To think if it takes a village to raise a child, why is it left mainly to the Mother/parents?

[chuckb4ss]

I only say the Mother because I feel at present Fathers taking shared leave isn’t as common. But I am not surprised women suffer from PND when they are left to raise a baby for the vast majority of time on their own. It makes me think that maybe the modern nuclear family of two parents and two children doesn’t work, and that we are better how we were in the past as tribes or surrounded by extended family for support. This would also reduce the loneliness experienced by the elderly too.

Look around your 'village'. How many of the people living there are in tune with your views on how you want your child to grow up?

If you are seriously saying that you want GPs, aunts and uncles, or members of your social circle to play a hands-on, godparent kind of role, you need to accept that those people's opinions are now legitimate when discussing the upbringing of your child.

Relatively few people are willing to hand over that much control of their child's upbringing to people outside the household, so the 'village' doesn't really come into play.

Depends on your extended family to be honest! Sometimes it’s preferable to be alone.

This. My mother would drive me crazy and overstep my boundaries if not nag me about them until I gave in despite me actually having been a childcare provider. I get on with my in-laws but I’m not comfortable around them enough to have my breasts out and worrying about post-birth bleeding.

Because not everyone wants a village to raise their children. Because frankly you don't necessarily trust or agree with other people in the matter of child-rearing.

And because people want the freedom to be able to live wherever in their country, or indeed the world, suits them, and not be tied to staying in the area where their extended family lives.

I entirely agree that child-rearing needs to be shared more equally between the two parents, and that's it's great to have grandparental input if that's appropriate and possible, but other people's input? No thanks!

I remember asking my grandmother how she saw life today compared to when she was my age. She sighed deeply, " we've lost as much as we've gained ".

Killer whales also have infertile grandmothers, but interestingly, they use their retirement years to exclusively look after their male grandchildren only.

And more relevant to the question at hand, my parents messed me up enough with their ideas on how you raise kids, I'm not having them do that to my own.

The idea makes me shudder personally.
And let's face it, the village would just be other women. Shit fathers of which there are many would be simply placing their expectations on a bunch of women rather than just the one, and feeling justified in not pulling their weight.
I'd like to see uninvolved men stigmatised and shamed. That's the societal change I would wish for.

I guess it depends if you asked the village before you made the personal choice to have a child.

My taxes pay for other people’s children’s healthcare and education and that’s all fine, but you can fuck off if you think I’m looking after someone’s kid.

We live in an individualistic society, rather than a collective one.

I have been lucky to find a nice supportive local "tribe" when parenting little ones. Very tricky to do nowadays with corona restrictions - try local FB groups?

I was thinking about how lucky I was when my kids were small the other day. We lived in a village and I had very close friends who lived right near. We spent every day together and pretty much raised each other’s kids. It was really lovely and we were such a great support for one another.

No the kids are teen and we’ve all moved and work full time. We’re still friends, but don’t live in each other’s pockets like we did. But it was such a nice way to raise babies and small children.

@ShirleyPhallus

I think men should step up and give a hand with raising their own children before expecting members of the wider family to do it for them

I agree with this.

Also it depends who you think is part of your "village"? It that your parents/in-laws/siblings etc? Or the wider community? And were any of the people in the "village" consulted prior to the baby bring born, or are they just expected to help without question?

I am in favour of the nuclear family model

I will not allow others to interfere when it comes to deciding how I raise or educate my own children

Because it's an inane saying, OP, meaningless drivel.

I agree, but in our individualised society, not many mothers truly appreciate or accept someone else's input in the raising of their children. Just look at all the posts on here complaining about people giving unsolicited advice, not doing things following your exact instructions, etc.

Patriarchy, Capitalism, individualism

It's a symptom of how we live today. Yes, there are places in the world where much more is shared, but it's shared amongst the women only and it's all the women are given the opportunity to do.

I'm a single mum. Ex has contact with DC but has had very minimal involvement in any 'raising'.

We are a long way off any kind of equality.

@Linning

We live in a totally different world to before.

A- women’s life were often dedicated to their children and household chores due to not being allowed to work. I can’t see how working moms who barely have time to see their own kids could fit in other people’s children on a regular basis without further affecting quality time spent with their own kids.

B- back in the days (and not too long ago) children where NOT seen as the center of the universe. The notion that you would bring your baby to a baby class to enhance his cerebral abilities would have been laughed at for example. You could reprimand anybody’s kids without being questioned and the parenting that was given to the kids by the “village” is drastically different to what would be acceptable now. Now mums read half a million books about parenting before the baby is born, many think saying “no” is extremely damaging and have planned almost minute by minute what they want their kids to do/learn/ear and are not ready to compromise on it, try and give a suggestion to a mom about what to do with her baby and you will see the majority will less than appreciative.

Mums currently want the village if it means free baby sitting and if the village follows the thousands of instructions they have carefully drafted in a PDF as if the village has never raised a kid to adulthood before.

There are benefits to the village and I do think mums and elderly (especially elderly) need more support BUT I think mums have isolated themselves from the village rather than the village from mums. It’s impossible now to go to a baby class without every single mom comparing their kids to each other, bragging about their own kids, judging the parenting choices of others. Honestly parenting is now this weird toxic competition where people want to show off and nobody dares to be honest as a result making it impossible to offer advice or support without making the other person feel like she is failing or triggering a defensive reaction.

I agree. I’m a 60s child, being raised in a ‘village’ is reciprocal. You get help, but you also get advice and opinions that you might not like. I had a free-range childhood, and part of the reason that worked is that you were supported, taught, chatted to, scolded, judged and occasionally walloped by other members of the community. You don’t get the free support without the consequences, which is what many seem to think ‘Takes a village to raise a child’ means.

You only have to look at MN to see lots of parents and mothers don't accept anyone else 'interfering'. It used to be that any adult could tell a child off for doing something wrong, that is no longer acceptable, even giving advice is frowned upon because apparently 'mother always knows best'.
I've even seen accusations that men being interested in children not their own are paedophiles so I can well understand why they wouldn't get involved.

@Gwenhwyfar

You only have to look at MN to see lots of parents and mothers don't accept anyone else 'interfering'. It used to be that any adult could tell a child off for doing something wrong, that is no longer acceptable, even giving advice is frowned upon because apparently 'mother always knows best'. I've even seen accusations that men being interested in children not their own are paedophiles so I can well understand why they wouldn't get involved.

This.

I used to assist then boyfriend with babysitting his nephews. But the parents often thought their trips to the gym, days out etc were a priority over ours so l nipped that in the bud

@Cautionsharpblade yeah this

It doesn’t take a village to raise a child, nor would I want that in the slightest. It’s just a nice way of saying give up your parental rights and authority and let the government (from local village level on up to national) make all the decisions and do the child rearing for you. I wanted to raise my children with my DH. I would not want even an inferring grandparent much less a local village version of social services dictating to me every parenting decision.

For it to take a village, the parents need to be open to the village raising the kids.
Too many would complain and not like others telling their precious children off or teaching discipline.
It's also cultural too, all the women in my family have helped to raise my kids.

Depends on the extended family. I wouldn’t want my dad helping me raise my children, his values are not what I want them to grow up with.

It’s also lovely being able to ask for extended family support, unless you all live in different countries and/or have full time jobs and responsibilities. My parents and grandparents all live in different countries, four sets of aunts and uncles, again each one in a different part of the world. My closest relative is 1000 miles away. Not so easy, raising the children together.

Surely it depends how you define raising a child. Covid has narrowed my children's world. Eg DD no longer goes to brownies. Pre covid I would not have said that brown owl was raising her, but actually it was a part of her upbringing / life that we valued. And the childminders have been like an auntie and uncle to my children, whose real aunties and uncles live hours away. Obviously I pay them, but in a village wouldn't you also pay the farrier / shopkeeper / farm hand.
I think people who provide activities for our children are a hugely important part of their lives.
When they were pre verbal I wasn't keen on them being away from me / their dad, but at least back then we could visit family with the children in tow. I think now you get one household and that's only for under 1s.
Covid has dismantled the village.

Depends on the extended family. I wouldn’t want my dad helping me raise my children, his values are not what I want them to grow up with.

Yes. Not everyone has a decent village that they want helping to raise their kids. The thought of my own parents raising our kids or in-laws makes me cringe. Their views don’t align with ours and from experience I wouldn’t want my children going through what I went as a child.