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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Please help. What do I say?

35 replies

Ifixfastjets · 08/03/2021 07:48

Not an aibu, but a wwyd

Kids back in school today. First time seeing a friend who recently lost a baby. Pretty close to full term.
Very sad. I want her to know I am sad for her. I have made a gift for the baby, before she died. Personalised, with her name.
But.. I am autistic. I usually stick my foot in it!
She was surprised I knew about baby, when I texted I was sorry to hear her news. We are not best buddies, but we do visit each other with kids (non corona). She has given me a lift to school when I had no car.
We do always say hello. I pass on a few of my dd things for her younger child.
What do I say to her?
I dont want to upset her. I dont want to say the wrong things.
Should I still give her the gift I made for baby?

OP posts:
takeabrolly · 08/03/2021 07:53

Sorry to hear about your friends loss. You've already said in your text that you are sorry to hear about the baby so I would say there's no need to repeat it. Just smile, say hello, try and be friendly. Take your lead from her (she may not be ready for much contact yet). And don't give her your gift

OytheBumbler · 08/03/2021 07:54

It's lovely of you to have made a gift but I don't think I'd give the gift. She might find it upsetting and I wouldn't want to risk that.

CGWGWOO · 08/03/2021 07:54

I would ask her how she is. Leave out talking about the baby unless she mentions it first.

MuddleMoo · 08/03/2021 07:55

I wouldn't give it to her now, especially not if you are seeing her at school drop off which will be hard enough for her.

MuddleMoo · 08/03/2021 07:56

Ask how she is but don't mention the baby unless she does first. She might not want to think about it right at that moment.

Ducksarenotmyfriends · 08/03/2021 07:58

It's really thoughtful you made a gift but definitely don't give it to her. I'd do just as CGWGWOO recommended.

MRex · 08/03/2021 07:59

School drop-off isn't a good time to bring up upsetting matters. Say hello, be friendly, ask if she'd like a walk with coffee one day. A quiet walk would be a better environment for her to talk to you if she wants to.

WhisperingJesse · 08/03/2021 08:03

I lost my first baby at 8 weeks old. She knows you know, due to the text, so do go up to her and say 'how are you today?' Her feelings will be different from hour to hour and day to day, so don't just ask how are you as a general overall thing. Please don't avoid her through anxiety. It is so stressful knowing there is this huge 'elephant in the room' that no-one dares mention.

I think it would be lovely for you to give her the gift, but not today at the school gate. She will treasure anything with her baby's name on, but it needs to be a more private moment.

WhisperingJesse · 08/03/2021 08:06

Or even better, don't ask her a question. Just say ' this must be so hard for you, facing everyone for the first time. Well done'. Then if she's brimming up, she doesn't have to try and talk.

Zoeyclash · 08/03/2021 08:11

I think you've got good advice here about meeting your friend at the school gate. As for the gift, it was very kind of you to make something for the baby. How about texting your friend to let her know that you have a handmade personalised for her little baby, and would she like you to drop it in to her? You could mention that it's absolutely no problem if she's up to it/doesn't want it. If I were you, I'd hold on to the gift any way because your friend might appreciate it in time.
For context, I also lost a baby. Some friends and family gave small little gifts for the baby e.g. little teddies, a little blanket etc and I really appreciated them. I know everyone is different though, that's why I suggested that you ask your friend first, so as not to upset her.

Original poster
Ifixfastjets · 08/03/2021 08:12

Thanks all.
Will keep it light and friendly.
Off now. School run.

OP posts:
Aprilx · 08/03/2021 08:13

You have already passed on your condolences, I would ask her how she is but not specifically bring the subject up again, particularly as you said she was surprised you knew. I think the gift is likely to be upsetting and I would not pass that on.

Lalliella · 08/03/2021 08:27

You sound like a lovely and caring friend. Just be there for her, acknowledge what’s happened without asking too much. Give her the opportunity to talk as much or as little as she needs. Keep the gift for now, perhaps give it to her another time when it’s just the two of you.

MuddleMoo · 08/03/2021 08:28

I'd keep your gift and then you can ask at a later date in a more private setting if she would like it

PegasusReturns · 08/03/2021 08:33

I’m going to go against the grain here and say please mention it.

When I lost my DC over the holidays and returned to school I can’t tell you how much I appreciated the women that sought me out to say sorry or gave me a hug.

It was over a decade ago and I remember them all, as I do the ones that chose not to mention it which was enormously painful.

One woman put her foot in it terribly but I am still so appreciative that she tried.

ElizaLaLa · 08/03/2021 08:47

@WhisperingJesse

Or even better, don't ask her a question. Just say ' this must be so hard for you, facing everyone for the first time. Well done'. Then if she's brimming up, she doesn't have to try and talk.
Do NOT do this!

Jesus christ.

AirBubbleMe · 08/03/2021 08:50

I think you sound like such a nice friend. It is so refreshing when someone actually acknowledges loss rather than pretending all is fine. I don't do pretence and my friends appreciate it.
I think the gift sounds lovely. I'd probably mention it in time, not right away, and say just be open about how you made it for her baby and you also understand that she may not want it.

Greenbks · 08/03/2021 09:01

A lot of people on here giving really bad advice in my opinion. Having lost a baby, I cherished anything And everything with my sons name on it and appreciated people who recognised what had happened.

It’s not a ‘you’ve text her your condolences so keep it breezy at the school gates type of situation.’ Her baby died for fucks sake, so yeah I think the decent thing to do is mention it somehow, for example, how are you today and something along the lines of if you need a coffee /walk chat etc or anything else I am here.

I would give the present to her at a private moment if she takes you up on the offer of a walk etc.

Baby loss and neonatal deaths are difficult for the parents and I’ve hated when people ignore that I’ve given birth and my baby has died - I’ve not mentioned it to them bcos I know it turns into something where the other person doesn’t know how to react and makes them feel awkward. Which I’ve found to be disgusting. It’s not catching, surely you can mutter a few words without thinking you might choke to death.

So thank you op for trying to educate yourself. I admire you.

PegasusReturns · 08/03/2021 09:13

Or even better, don't ask her a question. Just say ' this must be so hard for you, facing everyone for the first time. Well done'. Then if she's brimming up, she doesn't have to try and talk

Do NOT do this!

Jesus christ

I actually think this is good advice. @ElizaLaLa what are you so opposed?

I might not have add the “well done” but it is a thoughtful acknowledgment of how hard the situation is.

Original poster
Ifixfastjets · 08/03/2021 09:13

Thank you all.
I did say hello to her and hubby. Asked if they were ok.
Said I was here to talk if they wanted.
Then left it at that.
Pegasus; I would like to be your friend. I am always trying but getting it wrong. I'd appreciate someone noticing I had tried. Especially in their dark hour.

OP posts:
PegasusReturns · 08/03/2021 09:15

@Greenbks

It’s not catching, surely you can mutter a few words without thinking you might choke to death

Agreed! I can vividly remember standing in the playground want to scream “my baby died it’s not normal he’s dead”. Of course I didn’t but the idea that if you don’t mention it they won’t get upset or be “reminded” is absurd.

Greenbks · 08/03/2021 09:34

@PegasusReturns I agree. Most people have been good but returning to work I’ve had people I would have lunch with/was friendly with avoid me to the point of removing me from a work email cc list twice. I noticed but didn’t say anything and then someone else who was fairly new mentioned this and that she didn’t understand why this person kept removing me. The ex friend who kept removing me had recently had a baby and I believe they felt awkward and perhaps thought they were trying to spare my feelings but I just kept thinking you coward and I don’t want your baby. It doesn’t work that way.

Also, I’ve always said my baby DIED. My partner says we lost our son and that’s fine but I remember in the beginning (I still do) I needed to say our son died. The reaction on some peoples faces was as if I’d said a racial slur. It’s perfectly ok to use the word baby and died in a sentence. It’s bloody shit and the most agonising painful thing we’ve been through but that is what happened and I won’t minimise it so others can feel comfortable.

Feeling awkward or not knowing what to say is not good enough. There are plenty of websites like Tommy’s or sands etc and forums like this, like the OP is doing where people can ask for advice (although some filtering through the advice is needed)

Bottom line on this subject and many other subjects is that
Ignorance is not a good enough reason.

Symbion · 08/03/2021 09:38

Goodness, what a lovely friend you are.

I think when you next see her alone, maybe towards the end say something like "I made a little something for

Greenbks · 08/03/2021 09:47

Op I know you mentioned that you are autistic and do not always know what to do in these types of situations so are seeking advice - my gosh then I think the rest of us should be too. I think you’re a wonderfully caring person and a lot of others can do with the same traits. X

Original poster
Ifixfastjets · 08/03/2021 09:50

I'm off to Google sands and tommys

OP posts:
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