Please help. What do I say?

[Ifixfastjets]

Not an aibu, but a wwyd

Kids back in school today. First time seeing a friend who recently lost a baby. Pretty close to full term.
Very sad. I want her to know I am sad for her. I have made a gift for the baby, before she died. Personalised, with her name.
But.. I am autistic. I usually stick my foot in it!
She was surprised I knew about baby, when I texted I was sorry to hear her news. We are not best buddies, but we do visit each other with kids (non corona). She has given me a lift to school when I had no car.
We do always say hello. I pass on a few of my dd things for her younger child.
What do I say to her?
I dont want to upset her. I dont want to say the wrong things.
Should I still give her the gift I made for baby?

@ElizaLaLa
"Do NOT do this!

Jesus christ."

Steady on. Did you read the bit where I've actually lived through this experience? I was so grateful for everyone who had the emotional intelligence and/or courage to say something like this. What is your personal experience?

I have an old friend who's baby died and I always acknowledge that on baby's birthday, on the anniversary of baby's death. Baby existed, and friend doesn't see it as being reminded of what happened because how could it ever be forgotten? Obviously everyone is different but my friend has told me they appreciate it because lots of people just ignore it which hurts more you sound like a lovely person to try and do what's right for your friend and to learn about how to support her

[quote WhisperingJesse]@ElizaLaLa
"Do NOT do this!

Jesus christ."

Steady on. Did you read the bit where I've actually lived through this experience? I was so grateful for everyone who had the emotional intelligence and/or courage to say something like this. What is your personal experience?[/quote]
I've lost two. I wouldn't have appreciated that comment above at all. There are much better things to say imo.

Just remember that saying something is better than saying nothing.

Honestly, just saying, "I'm so sorry, how are you?" Is OK.

I lost my baby in similar circumstances. I just completely shut myself off. I preferred it if people didn't speak to me about him. I was extremely angry and just tried to block it out. I also felt very very protective over him and felt that no-one apart from dh had the right to talk about him. Everyone's different and you never know how you will handle the grief til it happens. He would have been five in January, some days are good, some are shit but he's always in the back of my thoughts still. I think you handled it well op.

@WhisperingJesse

Or even better, don't ask her a question. Just say ' this must be so hard for you, facing everyone for the first time. Well done'. Then if she's brimming up, she doesn't have to try and talk.

This is awful advice, please don't do this.

And I say again, I really appreciated it when people did. The post above yours shows how differently people respond. It's better than someone not saying anything at all for most people, but we're all different c

You can really see why people get paralysed for fear of saying something wrong.

OP I honestly think you are doing all the right things.

My reference to making cups of tea sounds a bit facile compared with other posts... I mentioned it because it came up on my autism course as a good "back up" strategy if you find yourself overwhelmed with not knowing what to do or say when someone's distressed.

... as a way of signalling empathy of you can't find the words.

You are absolutely lovely to have been so thoughtful, what a lovely friend to have.