Help me understand please Advice really needed

[Sun90]

Hello everyone, I hope lockdown hasn't been to hard on you!

I am looking for advice on 8 year old am going to say a girl not that it really matters (I think).

Now I don't have any older children and I do not remember being 8 myself so people with 8 year olds could possibly understand better for me. I do have a child but he is only a baby so no experience so far!

Just to clarify I am not this child's step mum in anyway (although I do feel I am) I am not recognised as her SM by my DSD herself or her mum which I understand it must be hard to understand so I don't push. I have always said to DSD we are friends she didn't give me any reaction to this but I felt it was the best way to clear it up as when I take her to the park. A man might say oh sorry my daughter wants to play with your daughter and DSD will stare at me intensely until I clarify she isn't my daughter. don't think I've ever heard her call me by my name I've been in her life 6 years but I think I will never understand so I don't pull my hair out trying to.

So DSD is 8 (to me personally she is my stepdaughter in my heart but shh lol)

my partner and his ex same old really didn't get on she stopped contact none could understand why we went to court got granted a fair order we have her every other weekend and half the holidays so every other weekend my partner has off work with his daughter i am on maternity leave atm will be returning to work also I do activities with her we have a nice relationship never any problem.

DSD is due to come in the April holiday my partner may have to work some of those days and I will be responsible for DSD (this is why court orders are a shame that we cant get on and agree she should of gone back to her mums for a few hours with her brothers to play bless her but DP wont allow it neither would DSD mum the other way round)

so normally when DSD is here with DP I think its incredibly sweet he does everything for her opens the wardrobe door picks her clothes opens her shoes so she can get them on does her shoe laces she is a very quiet child so he will ask her 6 or 7 times a day if she's okay if she is thirsty hungry needs a poo when she goes for a wash he fills the sink unplugs it for her fills the bath unplugs it for her washes and dries her hair puts her coat on cleans up after her whatever she uses or I do if its mess in the front room not bad mess just juice cartons ect.

Do you as parents do this for your 8 year olds I'm a little nervous about having her alone because I feel I will not be able to do all of this for her as I have a son to look after and my usual cleaning shopping etc. also as an individual I am very independent (not sure about that age) but I don't think to ask if someone needs help unless they ask me for help of course but she isn't a child who will verbally ask for help she will stare at me until I kind of figure it out but when I'm really busy I'm worried I wont notice I have a baby to care for and you know how demanding they can be? with filling a sink or opening shoes to get them on I would just say put your shoes on or go and have a wash I'm nervous she will just stand there until i do it?

Should 8 year olds have these independent skills? Or are there parents out there with 8 year olds do you do everything for them ( even picking toys for them to play with)??

Like I said as well and this is very important she does not verbally ask for anything she doesn't seem to know a lot if she is asked like fave food or colour …. she will stare at us or just look sad until we go through the questions and hopefully get the right one?

I take her to the shop to pick sweeties but she just stands there and stares at them we have to pick the packets up and ask this one or this one she shakes her head we put them down until we get a nod?

to be honest this one is a little annoying with the pandemic people have to follow a one way system and it can sometimes clog up the isle because we have been there so long i get worried that I'm in peoples way but DP will say we are entitled to be there too I am very cautious of people I don't want to make someone more anxious than they already are.

I feel like DP and DSD kind of laugh at me in a way when I wait and let people past because I have a pushchair again I feel bad that I'm making partner and dsd wait because they went past and now I'm behind its all weird stuff?

Its easy with my partner here because he is happy to do that all day with DSD but I'm so nervous about having her alone it keeps me up at night.

Any advice at all please? I just want whats best for her to be honest but like I said I don't naturally think the same way as DP does and there is nothing I can do about that.

Thanks in advance guys

I suspect it's just become a routine or habit for her. You can encourage her to do these things independently when she's with you. (As with all new routines, it will take a while before it embeds so you'll have to persevere for a few weeks.) Kids can adapt to more than one routine and understand that things are different with different people/in different environments. But, I'd expect her to revert to her mom/dad routine when she's with her parents.

@Hankunamatata apparently She isn’t a year ahead with all her learning :/ that’s come from DP through school report and parents evening?

@Hankunamatata she’s is a year ahead sorry auto correct

I don’t do half those things for my three year old never mind my seven year old. Does a 8 year old really need asking if the need a poo? That's very odd! Surely most children can grab their clothes/shoes/ coat themselves?? I’d just do whatever feels natural at the time. Could you prompt her rather than do thing for her? ‘Get your coat on’ ‘grab yourself a drink if you want one’ she may love the fact you treat her as an eight year old not a baby.

Really unsure of the laughing to let people past sentence?

@TalktotheFoot

Any ideas how I can positively change this when she is with me?

I'd let her do most things OP - her DF and DM are stifling the poor child's development and ability to think for herself.

I think I'd probably talk her through things a bit — if she's used to being babied, she might not know how to start on her own? That would explain why she does it when her cousin's there.

So maybe ask her what she wants to wear the night before (from a coupe of choices if she's struggling), then put those out, so in the morning all she has to do is put them on. Washing... I think I'd probably run the bowl for her then leave her with soap and flannel, but pop my head in to check she's ok. I'd probably help her wash her hair if she wanted that, and I'd dry it — hairdryers are quite heavy and hot so that's more that I'd worry about the safety aspect.

You could also do things like asking her to pick out the baby's clothes, or help you with setting the table. Children often like to feel grown up and useful.

@PolkadotsAndMoonbeams

That’s such a good insight thank you I will definitely try this :)

Some of the things you've mentioned I do for my 8 year old, like fill up the bath, tie his shoe lace hug only because he can't do it yet. He puts his own shoes on, at that age they should be able to put all clothing shoes on by them self, should be able to pick their outfits out. I have a snack draw at the bottom cupboard and the lower shelf in the fridge is for anything kid related so easy access to help themself. Your dsd should be able to help herself or ask when she feels like snacking or eating food, seems odd that she would need to be asked if she needs a poo. Maybe your dh feels like he needs to do everything for her seen as he doesn't see her on a everyday basis. Do you know if she is like taht at her mums? Is she shy around you? It's odd that she doesn't eagerly pick her sweets and rather needs you both to ask 100 times, this would frustrate me

Why does she not consider you her step mum if you have been in her life since she was 2? I doubt she even remembers the time when you weren't there.
Does she like the baby? (Her half brother). What would she do if you asked her to fetch a clean nappy or something?
Her mum and dad might be babying her but she should be totally relaxed around you after 6 years. What is your relationship like with her mum? If it's good maybe you should have a chat with her about the way she is around you.

There are two issues here. Her refusal to speak or acknowledge you and her behaviour in general.
The only thing that can be done is for her mother and father to talk about what is happening to ascertain if it at both homes or just yours.

To save yourself hassle, maybe cut open questions to a minimum for now. Instead of which sweets do you want; go with do you want smarties or jelly babies? Do you want a sandwich or some pasta rather than what do you want to eat.
Encourage independence with things they might enjoy and feel that they have accomplished something. I would be telling dp that if he wants to do everything for her than he needs to swap his work days and look after her himself. It's setting the child up to fail, not benefitting the child. They need some independence for high school.

When you have her on her own, encourage her to do those things herself. Just say things like, "why don't you go and run your bath now. Tell me if you need help."

Don't let it keep you up at night. At 8 she's very much able to do those things if she is given the chance to try.

She stares at you intensely until you clarify to strangers that you're not her stepmother, even though you are, and you have to play guess what sweets she wants every time? Unless she has developmental issues, your partner is just raising a rude little brat.

If she hasn't got any SN she sounds rude and spoilt.

@Ilovemaisie

I ask myself the same questions I have friends who have only just recently joined a blended family and they complain about the child always wanting sweets from the shop or constantly asking for toys and too many questions this isn’t the case with me and I don’t know why :/

I have always gone out of my way for DSD never been mean or nasty to her or her mum always took her shopping for mums bday Xmas and mother’s day because I feel it’s important she appreciates her mum

I think she likes her brother when I play with him she will sit close by and watch I’ve know this little girl most of her life and sometimes it feels like I have a stranger in my house.

I don’t know her mum very well at all I made numerous attempts to meet up get to know each other she never wanted too nor do I drop off or pick up as she doesn’t really seem to like it but she always seems pleasant and she has never mentioned me in heating debates with my partner.

I’m honestly so confused I’ve never had any problem when it comes to kids ever if anything they don’t wanna go home when they come to my house she is the only child I know that behaves this way.

@MusicTeacherSussex do you really think this could be defiant behaviour?

@Pieceofpurplesky

I’m starting to feel maybe it has to be me :/ I’ve tried everything known her her whole life really I don’t think I’ve ever heard her call my name she will either stare at me until I ask what’s up or tap me on the shoulder or not at all I suppose :/

Op does she ever talk to you?

@VeganCow

Op does she ever talk to you?

@VeganCow

Who my DSD

[quote Sun90]@TalktotheFoot

Any ideas how I can positively change this when she is with me?[/quote]
How about things like opening her wardrobe door and saying, "There you go, choose something to wear today and I'll be back in a minute". Or, "I've made you a drink, it is on the side in the kitchen, help yourself when you want it." That sort of thing. Go halfway towards helping her, and then allow her the opportunity to do things herself if she wants to. Left to her own devices, I expect she will.

If you take her in a shop and she wants some sweets, put the basket down on the floor beside her, tell her to choose some sweets and put them in the basket. If she doesn't, then pick up the basket and carry on shopping, and then 'notice' later and say "Oh, didn't you want any? Never mind. Maybe next time."

The second time you do it, the penny might drop.

@Sun90 yes dsd

@VeganCow

Yeah she mostly talks to me if I’m im doing something and her mum does the same thing so I mostly hear my mum does that or my mum does this she will answer with nods not yes or no I do things like comment openly on Netflix shows she watches pretending I don’t understand what’s happening in the show that is useful and she normally corrects me but if you ask how was school? Nothing if you ask what’s your favourite colour? Nothing any direct question she does not answer but I could ask my partner the same question or her cousin when she is here and then DSD will want to answer aswell so I feel it’s only when someone else is doing it?

She has never been an affectionate child and it use to upset us that before my son was born we never really cuddled DSD or snuggled on the sofa because she never wanted to (or at least I think so) I don’t really know so in 5 years I would watch her dad chasing her for a cuddle now when DP is cuddling the baby or putting him down DSD is a lot more affectionate with dad so that’s good news.

But with me if I’m cuddling my son on the sofa she will stare at me from the other side of the sofa and I have said do you want to join she nods yes and will come over but will just kind of sit there so I’m not sure wether to cuddle her it makes me feel really strange I’ve known this child most her life it’s heartbreaking we should be snuggling on the sofa watching movies with no issue but it was never like that before my son was born it’s very new for all of us.

Sometimes I try and stop my natural reaction towards my son because I don’t want her feeling left out or feeling like she has to cuddle me it’s so weird like I said never had this with any other child they run up to me give me a big kiss and cuddle will march me down the shop because I’m a pushover with toys and sweets for them all so yeah man I don’t know........

(Sorry for the rant you only asked a question haha)

@sun90 absolutely! The parents dont want her to grow up so they are letting her act like a 4 year old. I would not be fretting about how to handle her, she just needs to grow up. If she stares, you tell her it's rude
If she holds up the whole shop being a baby, choose her sweets for her or don't get any. By letting her behave this way she is learning that bad manners are allowed and it will get her into trouble later in life
Oh, and if someone calls you her stepmum, just smile. She is 8 years old for christ's sake, at that age I was making my mum sandwiches and introducing myself to people, got told off if I acted weird or rude and certainly didn't disrespect adults by playing silent nodding games. She is running rings round you, toughen up, and while you're at it, tell her dad how embarrassing his behaviour is. Sorry for the tough love, but I am quite shocked at what you've told us.

@Digestive28

I did suggest a routine to my DP as I thought it would make her feel more involved as she had responsibilities and also he was allowing her to stay up very late which I wasn’t comfortable with because of the inappropriate things on tv after 9 so the only thing that has really stuck with the routine is the bedtime but if I say anything else my partner gets funny with me for the rest of the day so I keep quiet now and I suggested a board to him his reply was she isn’t a toddler :/