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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to no longer encourage relationship with MIL

33 replies

JimJamJolly · 07/03/2021 11:58

My DH has never had a particularly close relationship with his mum. I'm very close to my parents, so have tried my best to ensure his mum is involved in our lives as i very much feel that you treat others how you wish to be treated. I generally get on pretty well with her. There have been various incidents involving my MIL over the years which I've turned a blind eye too (my DH has been less forgiving), but after yesterday i don't think i can any more.

Yesterday was my DCs birthday. She chose yesterday to drop a bombshell which she'd been keeping to herself for 3 months. It ruined the day, and whilst i feel sorry for her due to the situation, i can't get over the fact that she chose yesterday to tell us.

My DH is very angry and is threatening to stop all contact with her. He only really makes contact when i suggest he does ("have you spoke to your mum recently" gentle nudges!) - she rarely calls us.

Previously I'd encourage him to give it a few days to calm down and then check she was ok, but this time i can't be bothered and am just keeping quiet. I'd never tell him to stop contact, but I'm not going to influence his decision and be peace maker like usual. I've been reflecting on past incidents and have had enough.

Examples include:
Me phoning to say my DH was in hospital and her being more concerned that my parents (who live 2 mins away - she's 30 mins away) were looking after our DC rather than her... And not once asking what was wrong with DH or visiting him. He was kept in for 3 days.
Knowing that we had booked DDs first visit to see Father Christmas (our first child) which was really important to me (massive xmas fan!) and taking DD to a different Father Christmas a week before.
Texting to see if she could pop round (duting covid when garden visits allowed in our tier). Then she turns up with a relative from a lockdown area.
Got lots of other examples!

AIBU to keep quiet/ out of it, and perhaps let the relationship fizzle out if thats what my DH wants? Or should i try and keep the relationship going for my children's sake (to be honest, it's clear she's only really interested in them!).

OP posts:
Notanotherhun · 07/03/2021 12:01

Keep quiet. Like you, I have to suggest my OH calls his mother. If I didn't do this then he wouldn't, nor does he instigate seeing her. Men. I would play the observer.

JackieWeaverFever · 07/03/2021 12:02

What was the bombshell?

But no yanbu to withdraw
I think NC is a bit ott I'd go more LC ( Christmas and birthdays etc)

Cocomarine · 07/03/2021 12:03

I think you should have respected your husband in the first place. He obviously had the measure of her, and you’ve pushed more of a relationship with her on him than he wanted, or she deserved. So yes - back right off.

SharpLily · 07/03/2021 12:06

I'm in a similar position to you and no longer encourage contact. I don't actively discourage it but after being very friendly with her in the beginning, I've come to understand that there's a reason none of her other family want anything to do with her. I'm not interested in causing a rift by refusing contact altogether but I think it's best for our family if we maintain a certain amount of distance. In the long run I think we're more likely to all get along better that way.

Easterbunnygettingready · 07/03/2021 12:06

Just leave her to dh. If he doesn't bother then you don't either.. She clearly isn't interested in your dc either.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/03/2021 12:08

You never should have pressured him to keep a toxic person in his life, regardless that it's mother. Doing so has only caused more drama and grief. You should have respected his decision not to contact her.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 07/03/2021 12:09

There's an assumption that women do the emotional labour in families by 'encouraging' their husbands to remain contact.

These are grown men, not children. If they want to maintain contact I'm sure they will. (This is coming from someone who does not get involved in any way with my DH's relationship with his family. Not my circus - that's for him to sort out).

Drop the rope.

Notanotherhun · 07/03/2021 12:13

@MarieIVanArkleStinks - what about when the OH has a sibling that has a very close relationship with that mother. Not as simple as leave him to it.

Easterbunnygettingready · 07/03/2021 12:15

When I first met dh he was just venturing back into a relationship with mil. A year in I met her... Oh boy... A year later we were nc... Dh has never been happier now she isn't in his life at all.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 07/03/2021 12:16

Don’t make a point of cutting contact or anything like that - just stop making the effort. She’ll soon show how much she cares by whether she’s the one to make the effort instead.

Original poster
JimJamJolly · 07/03/2021 12:19

Thanks everyone. Just going to keep quiet and leave it up to them!

OP posts:
B33Fr33 · 07/03/2021 12:21

Go grey rock, don't I initiate, don't seek out, don't engage in anything emotive, cards, maybe bland generic gifts. Keep her at a distance but give nothing for her to complain about.

Cocomarine · 07/03/2021 12:25

[quote Notanotherhun]@MarieIVanArkleStinks - what about when the OH has a sibling that has a very close relationship with that mother. Not as simple as leave him to it.[/quote]
It really is that simple. So what if your husband’s sibling is close to a parent? That’s still got your husband to decide the terms of his relationship 🤷🏻‍♀️

I was NC with my parents for years, and now LC as I call Xmas and birthdays. That’s it. One of my siblings even lives with them! Doesn’t stop her seeing me loads, holidaying with me... in fact, she takes a weekend break with me whenever they get too much for her, as they’re... difficult 🤨

At no point have either of my husbands, or before that boyfriends, ever thought it was up to them to intervene.

Let the husbands of the world manage their own relationships 🤷🏻‍♀️

Shoxfordian · 07/03/2021 12:29

I don’t see why you’ve been doing all this work to stay on good terms with someone your husband finds difficult. She’s his mother, let him decide how much contact to have with her. Not your circus op

SpringisSpinning · 07/03/2021 12:31

Op I've done the same thing.. Tried to facilitate a relationship that isn't there. I've always been the nudger.. No more...they don't realise it and think it's your fault their adult dc don't talk to them..

Definitely step right back and simply let things take their natural course

SpringisSpinning · 07/03/2021 12:33

In our case fil tries to push all the time to though, sends dh annoying emails, tries to guilt him..

yoyo1234 · 07/03/2021 12:34

Let your DH do what he is happy with. Do not put effort into a relationship that it is his decision to maintain or not.

MMMarmite · 07/03/2021 12:38

I have a difficult relationship with my mum. I would not thank a partner for pushing me to see her more.

Let him decide what relationship he wants, and support that.

BebeStevens · 07/03/2021 12:48

I made the mistake of assuming the right thing to do was build bridges in a situation like this. It’s better to leave it alone, it would have saved me at least another 5 years of stress that ended up with the same result anyway.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 07/03/2021 14:44

what about when the OH has a sibling that has a very close relationship with that mother. Not as simple as leave him to it.

Yes, it is. Grown men are not children.

Cherrysoup · 07/03/2021 15:06

He’s an adult, let him decide.

Notanotherhun · 07/03/2021 15:10

Adults can decide but when they are part of a family that comments on how little contact they keep, and that 'it's so lovely to get your call, you never call me" comments after calls... etc etc, it makes for a weird atmosphere at gatherings.

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/03/2021 15:11

He’s known her all his life and hasn’t wanted a close relationship with the woman. You should have trusted his view as he’s got a better understanding of her than you do.

It’s good you’ve finally come to this point. Respect his wishes, she’s his parent and he’s an adult.

peak2021 · 07/03/2021 15:49

I think you can be supportive of your DHs decision, even if you are staying out of any communication.

BoyTree · 08/03/2021 08:59

I don't understand why you have pursued a relationship with your MIL despite your husband's unwillingness?

He doesn't have a close relationship with her and doesn't want one and you have tried to force it only to find that you feel the same.

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