AIBU to no longer encourage relationship with MIL

[JimJamJolly]

My DH has never had a particularly close relationship with his mum. I'm very close to my parents, so have tried my best to ensure his mum is involved in our lives as i very much feel that you treat others how you wish to be treated. I generally get on pretty well with her. There have been various incidents involving my MIL over the years which I've turned a blind eye too (my DH has been less forgiving), but after yesterday i don't think i can any more.

Yesterday was my DCs birthday. She chose yesterday to drop a bombshell which she'd been keeping to herself for 3 months. It ruined the day, and whilst i feel sorry for her due to the situation, i can't get over the fact that she chose yesterday to tell us.

My DH is very angry and is threatening to stop all contact with her. He only really makes contact when i suggest he does ("have you spoke to your mum recently" gentle nudges!) - she rarely calls us.

Previously I'd encourage him to give it a few days to calm down and then check she was ok, but this time i can't be bothered and am just keeping quiet. I'd never tell him to stop contact, but I'm not going to influence his decision and be peace maker like usual. I've been reflecting on past incidents and have had enough.

Examples include:
Me phoning to say my DH was in hospital and her being more concerned that my parents (who live 2 mins away - she's 30 mins away) were looking after our DC rather than her... And not once asking what was wrong with DH or visiting him. He was kept in for 3 days.
Knowing that we had booked DDs first visit to see Father Christmas (our first child) which was really important to me (massive xmas fan!) and taking DD to a different Father Christmas a week before.
Texting to see if she could pop round (duting covid when garden visits allowed in our tier). Then she turns up with a relative from a lockdown area.
Got lots of other examples!

AIBU to keep quiet/ out of it, and perhaps let the relationship fizzle out if thats what my DH wants? Or should i try and keep the relationship going for my children's sake (to be honest, it's clear she's only really interested in them!).

It really depends what the bombshell was. If it was a health issue or something then YABVU. If its something you've done that's annoyed her, YANBU.

I made the mistake of assuming the right thing to do was build bridges in a situation like this. It’s better to leave it alone, it would have saved me at least another 5 years of stress that ended up with the same result anyway

From bitter experience, I agree completely with this.

You cannot change people. You cannot make them think family is important. You cannot stop them being selfish. I thought I could do all of this. I thought if I treated them with kindness, it would be reciprocated. It wasn't. Like the poster above, it was just a waste of my time.

Your mistake was, like mine and many others, to think that your DH was being unreasonable in his behvaiour towards his DM and trying to fix that relationship!

Bow out of it! Follow his lead, start nothing, mention nothing, support his decision!

I could've written this post myself!

I tried and tried and tried to keep my DH's relationship going with his parents and always turned a blind eye to their antics (too many to list).

The turning point for me was when they told DH lies about me, and took advantage of me being home alone by turning up with someone I didn't want to see, and effectively showing me that they didn't value me or my feelings.

At that point, I took a step back and left it up to DH to manage his relationship with them. Suffice to say it fizzled out because he saw how shit they were to him and his family, and he ended up choosing to move closer to my folks because they treat him like he's their son.

So... the average bloke should be left to organise family get togethers, gifts, cards, regular and polite contact? Maybe my OH is just ridiculous.

Definitely stay out of it OP. If her own son doesn’t want a relationship with her then I doubt she will be a fantastic grandparent.

So... the average bloke should be left to organise family get togethers, gifts, cards, regular and polite contact? Maybe my OH is just ridiculous. confused

Yes, of course they should be responsible for all of that. If you’re capable of doing so for your own family then he can do the same for his. Being male doesn’t make you incapable of remembering to buy gifts or to contact your own family. He’s just lazy and used to you doing it for him.

@Notanotherhun

So... the average bloke should be left to organise family get togethers, gifts, cards, regular and polite contact? Maybe my OH is just ridiculous.

Yes of course, why wouldn't they? It's their family, if they maintained a relationship with other human beings before they met you surely they can do that after they get married?

@notanotherhun yes he is