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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give my friend having IVF a gift?

38 replies

whatchathinkaboutthat · 07/03/2021 08:14

My dearest and best friend is going to be starting hormone treatment soon before embarking on IVF.

I know how desperate she is for a child and so when we speak I do everything I can to say the right things and be supportive. She is so strong and relaxed about it and positive - I am in awe.

Anyway the AIBU.. when my DC was born she was amazing.. she send gorgeous gifts and she still does for birthdays etc. Would it be weird for me to send her a present to sort of mark her starting IVF? Is that weird? I just want to kind of show her I am supporting her. How do I best do this?

Would it be weird to send some flowers saying 'so proud of you and you can do this!' Sort of thing? Is that the worst thing to do? I want her to know how proud I am of her and how I will be there to support her but at the same time I don't want to upset her?

Any advice?
Thanks!

OP posts:
TeenMinusTests · 07/03/2021 08:17

Flowers saying hope all goes well?

Not sure about 'you can do this' as if it doesn't work there could be some unintended implication of 'you failed'.

It's a nice thought. I'd have liked it I think.

NoGoodPunsLeft · 07/03/2021 08:23

I have heard this discussed on an IVF podcast and the only thing I can remember is buying cosy socks because there's waiting around in gowns etc and your feet get cold.

I also disagree with the 'you can do this'll sentiment, can't you say good luck & I'm rooting for you? Or I'm here if you need anyting?

SeeYouInAnotherLife · 07/03/2021 08:24

Flowers to say you’re thinking of her would be a lovely gesture. But please rethink that message. I think you mean you know she’s strong enough to go through the process? Butit could be misinterpreted as saying that you know she’s going to get pg - which unfortunately with ivf is by no means a certainty.

NoGoodPunsLeft · 07/03/2021 08:24

I would also recommend listening to this podcast because a few people hAve called/emailed in saying it has helped them understand what their family/friends go through with IVF.

It's called Matt & Doree 's Eggcellent Adventure

CounsellorTroi · 07/03/2021 08:25

Send her flowers by all means, and support her to get through it, but I agree about the “you can do this”. She’s not sitting an exam. The outcome is not in her hands.

Original poster
whatchathinkaboutthat · 07/03/2021 08:26

Okay I will rethink the message. Yes I wasn't sure... I think it sounded not quite right.
I just want her to know I'm there for her and I'm rooting for her.

OP posts:
Original poster
whatchathinkaboutthat · 07/03/2021 08:27

"Good luck, I'm thinking of you and if you need anything I'm always here"

What about that? ^

OP posts:
Original poster
whatchathinkaboutthat · 07/03/2021 08:27

@NoGoodPunsLeft

I would also recommend listening to this podcast because a few people hAve called/emailed in saying it has helped them understand what their family/friends go through with IVF.

It's called Matt & Doree 's Eggcellent Adventure

Will defo give this a listen. Love a podcast too!
OP posts:
Shieldingending · 07/03/2021 08:28

As someone who had ivf I echo what others said about changing your wording but the idea is lovely, you sound a great friend!

ellesbellesxxx · 07/03/2021 08:29

A friend sent me a card when we were going through ivf to say they were thinking of me and it was so thoughtful and appreciated!
Chocolates/flowers/a homemade dinner for the freezer (I felt permanently exhausted so coming home and defrosting something was amazing!)

Newkitchen123 · 07/03/2021 08:30

@whatchathinkaboutthat

"Good luck, I'm thinking of you and if you need anything I'm always here"

What about that? ^

That sounds lovely. Definitely not you can do this. I've had IVF and it failed twice for me, it's hard enough as it is.
CounsellorTroi · 07/03/2021 08:30

@whatchathinkaboutthat

"Good luck, I'm thinking of you and if you need anything I'm always here"

What about that? ^

That’s lovely.
Monicuddle · 07/03/2021 08:30

I think it’s really thoughtful. “Good luck” or “rooting for you” is enough.

justanotherneighinparadise · 07/03/2021 08:31

I’m a bit funny about fresh flowers. I’ve received them in the past due to loss and I found it upsetting when ‘they died too’ if that makes sense. So I always think a flower in a pot is so much nicer. Like one of those orchids that are impossible to kill.

Aprilx · 07/03/2021 08:32

Yes I think flowers are thoughtful, but as said “you can do this” is not right as it suggests she has a say in the matter.

HalleLouja · 07/03/2021 08:33

We made a work colleague a care package when she had IVF. Things like some smellies and her favourite crisps. She really appreciated it.

MarshaBradyo · 07/03/2021 08:34

@whatchathinkaboutthat

"Good luck, I'm thinking of you and if you need anything I'm always here"

What about that? ^

Yes this is good

Good luck is perfect. Anything around ‘you can do this’ doesn’t work as it’s not anything she can control.

Phineyj · 07/03/2021 08:37

I got a nice card and a supportive email from a couple of friends at a time like this and it made a huge difference. It was the thought not the thing. But you do have to be very careful with words. Bear in mind she's hoping for the best while expecting the worst.

Roselilly36 · 07/03/2021 08:37

Sounds a really lovely idea OP, I am sure your friend be will pleased at your thoughtfulness.

GreenClock · 07/03/2021 08:37

The message: I like “rooting for you” because you used it in your post so it obviously sounds natural coming from you. I think the lighter and less try-hard the message, the better.

She will appreciate it.

Coolcatsandkittens · 07/03/2021 08:38

When my best friend started her first round I made up a little bag of things she likes such as bubble bath, chocolate and magazines for her. I didn’t include a message or anything with it but she knew what I was trying to say and that she had my full support, and she liked it.

Dancingdolphins · 07/03/2021 08:38

You are a lovely friend. Flowers with the reworded message would be very well received. The other thing that's great for IVF is a good pair of socks- ideally with the ivf lucky symbol of pineapples on to wear on transfer day!

TheOpen · 07/03/2021 08:45

@justanotherneighinparadise

I’m a bit funny about fresh flowers. I’ve received them in the past due to loss and I found it upsetting when ‘they died too’ if that makes sense. So I always think a flower in a pot is so much nicer. Like one of those orchids that are impossible to kill.

I've never thought about it this way. Good piece of insight - and something I'm going to consider going forward.

MuddleMoo · 07/03/2021 08:48

I had never thought of flowers in that way so thank you

Sunbird24 · 07/03/2021 08:48

My best friend sent me a bracelet with specific stones in (rose quartz, moonstone and aquamarine) when I started IVF and I wear it every day. They’re all supposed to be recommended for women’s health and fertility, and I don’t know if they work, but it’s pretty and it means I’m reminded daily that she’s thinking of me and willing a positive outcome. My first attempt failed, I’m 5 weeks today from the second try.

You sound like a lovely friend, it really does make it easier to have someone like you cheering you on when you’re putting yourself through this.

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