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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask what you define as successful?

65 replies

Rosehip345 · 06/03/2021 19:25

What is it that makes you think someone else is successful or in what way would you see yourself as successful.

I’ve had a pretty difficult day today. I’m very aware that I’m viewed as not successful enough to have an opinion on anything. I just want to know why and what I need to change to at least be spoken to as an equal, or even better as someone to value the opinion of.

OP posts:
aintnothinbutagstring · 07/03/2021 08:09

I wouldn't say happiness is success, happiness is fleeting moments. Feeling purposeful, feeling valued, feeling your life has meaning, that is what I would call success.

lightlypoached · 07/03/2021 08:10

"I’m very aware that I’m viewed as not successful enough to have an opinion on anything. I just want to know why and what I need to change to at least be spoken to as an equal, or even better as someone to value the opinion of."

Your opinion matters, it's just that some of the ignorant people around you don't acknowledge it, and that's shitty, ignorant and arrogant of them. iI also smacks of sense of superiority from them, which is often underlaid by an acute sense of inferiority - people who feel inferior often lash out and bully or put down the people around them because they think it will make them feel better.

If the debate is about, say, how best to build a bridge, and their trade is bridge building engineer, then maybe they could adopt this stance, but for pretty much all other conversations
a) you're entitled to an opinion (esp if you've read up on something, have personal experience, or 1st hand knowledge , or just an opinion based in being human being who's lived x many years
b) it's bloody rude to shut someone down like that and
c) adults debate and discuss things from different viewpoints to expand their knowledge, experience and data on a variety of subjects all the time.
d) if they listen they may just even learn something. (My guess is that's what they are probably scared of, I mean how humiliating that you a mere whatever you are , is telling them something they've never even thought of ! The temerity of you being cleverer/ better informed / more imaginative , don't you know your place?

Stand with your head held high, tell them to stop being so rude , ignorant and disrespectful. And if they continue to treat you this way tell them to fuck off Grin

Seriously. You deserve better.

turquoisewaters · 07/03/2021 08:11

Surely those who are disregarding your opinion are not perfect at every single aspect in life? Everyone has their weaknesses. Try and look at your own positives as well

namechange2547 · 07/03/2021 08:16

@Sunhoop completely agree, I use the word successful in the context of a person when they've excelled in a field or skill as you say, that's not to say I wouldn't admire or respect another person without those goals or achievements particularly if they'd made a life for themselves that made them happy, I could think of plenty of positive words that I'd find appropriate, I just wouldn't ascribe the word "success" because it has a different meaning to me.

Whocares2021 · 07/03/2021 08:20

Who are the people who are disrespecting you? Why do you think they would treat you differently if you were ‘successful’. Are you sure it’s not just that those people are knobs?

RJnomore1 · 07/03/2021 08:24

I think everyone will have a different definition of success for them but mines is to make a difference in the world somehow. Just to make life slightly better for someone else. People would probably say I’ve been quite successful career wise but that’s the bit that drives me. I could probably have more money and status doing something else but that is what matters to me

So I suspect your individual success is driven by what you value most and then by whether you get internal or external validation, if you rely on others opinion to define yourself that’s something to work on I would say.

Littlecaf · 07/03/2021 08:50

I think being successful is a combination of happy, healthy in the ways you can control and make enough money to sustain your lifestyle.

MrsTophamHat · 07/03/2021 08:55

Successful to me is:

A job that you like and pays you enough to do the leisure activities you like as well. Not having to worry about paying bills each month.

Having a home that you like.

A happy, contented home life, be that single or with a partner/ children.

CorianderBee · 07/03/2021 12:30

Someone who reaches their goals - whether that's writing a book, being a CEO or having happy kids.

Success is relative.

LemonRoses · 07/03/2021 12:33

Earning a pound more than our expenses.
Knowing you’ve raised happy, confident adults with a strong moral compass and social conscience.
Sustaining a loving and equal relationship.
Good friendships.
Being comfortable in your own skin such that you are comfortable going against a popularist view.

Trinacham · 07/03/2021 12:38

Being comfortable - financially. Not necesarily rich, but being able to live without worry.

Feeling loved. Being happy.

OnlyHerefortheBiscuits · 07/03/2021 12:39

Happy.

'Happiness' will look and feel very different for everyone, though.

There is one common thing across all happy people that I notice however - they don't compare themselves to others. They might look at others and get inspired but not for comparison.

VestaTilley · 07/03/2021 12:41

Everyone is entitled to an opinion - we live in a democracy. Yes, your opinion may carry more weight if you’re a medical doctor talking about a medical problem, but in general terms whether you’re a “success” or not does not define whether you’re allowed a view on things.

I define success by whether someone is happy, if they are then that’s enough. And there’s a lot to be said for it. We value material possessions far too much in our society; I don’t care a jot for stuff and things, and I consider myself successful because I’ve done some interesting things and forged a nice (enough) life for myself and my family.

Success isn’t all about becoming a millionaire or seeing your name up in lights.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 07/03/2021 12:53

I don't think people's opinions are disregarded by friends and family because they are not "successful" tbh.
Depends on opinion as pps said. I wouldn't respect someone's opinion on stock market if they never did mire than read an article about it the same way I would respect stockbroker's one, but nonethless both are allowed to have an opinion.

Honestly, I think you need to look at different reason than "success" to find out why your opinions are being disregarded by the people around you

Asiama · 07/03/2021 13:09

I think success is subjective. I think I'm successful because I'm happy. I have a lovely immediate family, we are all healthy, I have food and a roof over my head, and my in-laws are the most wonderful people

My mother sees me as a total failure and embarrassment because she thinks I'm ugly, don't dress nicely, is disappointed in my 6-figure job, and doesn't like the house we bought ("only" has 5 bedrooms and is in a green leafy area, which for her isn't as good as inner city). As a result she doesn't respect my opinions because she feels my choices in life are poor so I'm not worth listening to.

If people can't show you basic decency then their opinion on whether they see you as successful or not shouldn't matter to you. Life is too short to care about people like that.

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