What should 13yo be allowed to do online?

[MaidInExeter]

Posing for traffic, tried teenage section but no response yet

I'll try to keep it short. Dd13 has form for talking to strangers online. Some of this has been sexual but not much, I've had countless talks about safety, showed videos etc and let her know that peadophiles and grooming is not something that just happened to others.

She had her Instagram taken off her for ages and has had her phone and laptop taken many times.

She has yet again proved she can't be trusted by messaging people she doesn't know. After having her accounts back for literally one week.

I don't know if I'm being unrealistic though, and other teens are doing the same. I was very very young when I had her and I question my abilities to parent a teen. I constantly wonder if I'm being too harsh or lax.

There's nothing inherently wrong with messaging people online but it's the nature and extent of it and going behind my back and lying.

If other parents of teens could answer these I'd be really grateful

Is it acceptable to check her laptop and phone?

Would you allow/be happy for them to message people they don't know

Would you be ok for them to do so, but only if the messages were age appropriate

Would you remove their social media and/or WhatsApp if they did these things?

Would you take their laptop/phone away if they carried on without permission/ went on desktop sites of social media even if you said they couldn't

Thank you, I know I sound like I've no idea and that's probably right. I know what I'm doing with toddlers. Teenagers not so much

So I guess if I need an answer
Yanbu Crack down and reduce her access
Yabu. She's a teenager, let her be

Crack down.

Crack down

Chatting with friends = fine
Chatting with strangers = not fine

Remove the stuff while she's still young enough to let you.

YANBU. Any idea why she is doing this? Is it attention seeking or is there a deeper issue at play?

Crack down and remove access when ever rules are broken

Of course you don't bloody let your child talk to random people online. Would you let her invite random strangers off the street into her bedroom?

Thank you! You've no idea how reassuring it is hearing people say what my gut is telling me!!

I don't think there's anything deeper, she just loves a bit of drama, attention, she often falls out with friends through no fault of theirs if she has too much unlimited access to her phone. I think it's boredom. It's so hard feeling like I can't trust my judgement but I had her when I was 18 and I just feel so young myself really and seems not long ago I was her age.

Thank you, honestly, it's great just to have other parents perspectives

It doesn't matter how old those strangers are either. A 15 or 17 year old is just as likely to groom her and abuse her as a much older person.

*If other parents of teens could answer these I'd be really grateful

Is it acceptable to check her laptop and phone?

Would you allow/be happy for them to message people they don't know

Would you be ok for them to do so, but only if the messages were age appropriate

Would you remove their social media and/or WhatsApp if they did these things?

Would you take their laptop/phone away if they carried on without permission/ went on desktop sites of social media even if you said they couldn't*

1. If you don't trust that she's able to keep herself safe, yes. My dd is 14 and I've never felt the need to do this but she's very open with me and shows me things on her phone all the time. Plus I haven't had reason to be worried as you have.

1. No I wouldn't - not adults they don't know anyway. DD's social media accounts are set to private so people she doesn't know can't see her stuff anyway. If she gets random messages from unknown adults, she knows to block.

1. Not sure what you mean by age appropriate in the context of an unknown adult messaging a child. I'd never be happy with this, no matter the content of it, because there's absolutely no reason for an unknown adult to be messaging my 14 year old. Like I said, unknown kids her own age - different entirely.

1. Yes I'd remove their access temporarily whilst I educated them and made sure there were restrictions on what they could and couldn't access, as well as privacy settings so others couldn't randomly add them, etc.

1. Tricky one. I wouldn't take my DD's phone away completely because she needs it for emergency contact reasons etc. But I would be checking it regularly and reiterating the importance of online safety etc if she continued to put herself in unsafe situations.

Bold fail - I copied your questions and tried to answer each of them, OP!

Absolutely crack down, she is at risk of child exploitation if she's communicating with strangers online.
All of her settings need to be absolutely locked down and this needs to be checked very regularly.
She needs to have you or another trusted adult as her friend on any app she uses and if she refuses or blocks, she loses access.
You need to be checking her phone, do this together not secretly.
She should not have her phone overnight, kids shouldn't be on devices before bed anyway so 90 mins before bed all electronics get handed over.

There's lots of info online and you'll find some behaviour contracts to use as examples. Make her part of the solution but be clear that if she dicks about, you take absolute control.

We have a strict rule - no talking to any strangers online. Also DS13's Xbox is in the den right next to our sitting room so we can hear what goes on. He's not too hung up about his phone - he's had it two years now and never asked for another, and goes days without looking at it when not at school. Also the strictest of strict settings at the router.

She is a child and she sounds like she is putting herself in unsafe situations. I would crack down and heavily monitor what she is doing.

DD is allowed social media when she's 13 (this year). I have told her i will be checking he phone, I already check her text messages as she has a few school friends she keeps in touch with.

Have you spoke to your dd about talking to strangers?

The dangers of the internet, grooming, people not being who they say they are? Have you told her never to send photos of herself and the ramifications of such?

Watch that programme about catching peodophiles with her. It was on a few weeks ago. It might make her realise who she is contacting might not be who thinks they are.

Yes I've had the conversations so so many times. Really drilled into her how easy it is for people to pretend to be other people.

That sounds like a good idea about that programme, do you have a link or know what it was called?

I have two thirteen year olds.Crack down. One has in the past been untrustworthy and it all went for a while. I only check intermittently these days but she is very honest. Neither of them have instagram or facebook. They do have whatsappand snapchat and tiktok(I don't like tik tok but think I would struggle to take it away from them and don't want to invite arguments and make them feel like they have done something wrong when they are really good girls - good at school, well behaved and helpful at home). If this ever changes tik tok will be the first thing to go. Good luck.I would have an absolute crack don.Phone replaced by a brick, change wifi password for 2-4 weeks.Make sure she knows you mean business. After that if she seems to be getting it phone back but with limited apps, limited screen time, handed to you every night and check ti thoroughly for a while. Then gradual reintorduction of apps - I would add hatsapp as teens seem to communicate on that for hwork etc.

Catfish beware
There is a TV program called Catfish
People pretend to be one or multiple people

Depends what you mean by chatting to strangers.

I didn’t have many real-life friends when I was your daughters age. I had accounts on several websites where I wrote stories and shared art. I made lots of friends on these websites (you could comment on each other’s work and have conversations in the comments section). It was really good for me. I was aware people might not be who they say they were.

I also was on things like habbo hotel and other sites were you could chat to people. Some of my conversations got a bit sexual when I was around 12/13 because that was the age I was becoming sexually aware and was curious. Again, I was aware some of the people was talking to could be anyone. I knew not to send pictures and would never dream of meeting anyone (but that was just me).

For me the Internet was a lifeline at that age. I formed some great friendships with strangers. So I can’t join team ‘crack down’ so easily. Yes, there are dangers, but I think it does depend on the kid/situation.

Forgot to mention Internet forums, which I loved, and is ironic since I’m on one!

Hello, strangers!

I strongly recommend Safe Lagoon App. You can see all their activity minute by minute in every app. I don't allow Snapchat/Tik Tok etc for my 14 year old son. Another brilliant app is Bark.

You need to have a long talk about this again. It's terrifying actually and I'm pretty lax with my teens but I do check their phones. I think if you confiscate it will make your relationship difficult. Talk and keep checking the phone and any other devices.

Family link app is also very good.