What should 13yo be allowed to do online?

[MaidInExeter]

Posing for traffic, tried teenage section but no response yet

I'll try to keep it short. Dd13 has form for talking to strangers online. Some of this has been sexual but not much, I've had countless talks about safety, showed videos etc and let her know that peadophiles and grooming is not something that just happened to others.

She had her Instagram taken off her for ages and has had her phone and laptop taken many times.

She has yet again proved she can't be trusted by messaging people she doesn't know. After having her accounts back for literally one week.

I don't know if I'm being unrealistic though, and other teens are doing the same. I was very very young when I had her and I question my abilities to parent a teen. I constantly wonder if I'm being too harsh or lax.

There's nothing inherently wrong with messaging people online but it's the nature and extent of it and going behind my back and lying.

If other parents of teens could answer these I'd be really grateful

Is it acceptable to check her laptop and phone?

Would you allow/be happy for them to message people they don't know

Would you be ok for them to do so, but only if the messages were age appropriate

Would you remove their social media and/or WhatsApp if they did these things?

Would you take their laptop/phone away if they carried on without permission/ went on desktop sites of social media even if you said they couldn't

Thank you, I know I sound like I've no idea and that's probably right. I know what I'm doing with toddlers. Teenagers not so much

So I guess if I need an answer
Yanbu Crack down and reduce her access
Yabu. She's a teenager, let her be

The only bit that you need to be clearer on is the "people she knows" bit. My teens would be say that a friend of a friend isn't a stranger. They can be sure of the age or the friend of a friend but they have no clue what they are like. I've had to have this chat with my ds too. Many games are online and playing with someone (especially if you hear their voice on headset) can create a feeling of knowing them. The chat is functional "Can I trade your X for my Y" but he'd forget that the other person wasn't an equal like a school friend and to be as wary as he would be irl.

If your dd was my child she'd have a phone that was locked right. The school apps would work as would some offline games but she'd not have the ability to use a browser or download apps without permission. She might use a friend's device during school hours or try and buy a second phone so you'd have to watch out for that but socialising online is a privilege and she'd clearly too immature for it. Don't forget that some SM platforms like Snapchat make it easy to hide what you've been up to.

I read on here that a good tactic is to say "How would you feel if you Dad/your head teacher/your grandparent read this?" so they think about what they say. Some kids won't care but others need reminding that what they say online isn't really private. If she's not careful, she's a screenshot away from becoming a social outcast/humiliated etc

Thank you this is all very helpful. I'll definitely check out those software. We do have family link but I've used it for screen time and bed times more than anything.

That's the thing, I've chatted to strangers online (as I am now haha) however I am safe, and also an adult (a skeptical one at that)

I think I'll delete all her social media but let her keep WhatsApp as that's where she talks to her school friends. After I've made sure I have access to her phone and all apps.

I just think she honestly doesn't care. The consequences are worth the risk taking for her. Even if her dad looks through her messages, yes she gets embarrassed, will have a cry, but then a little while later she's back to it

I have an 18 year old dd, crack down it is addictive, gets worse and eventually you can't take it away. Yes you can check, she is your responsibility until she is an adult, you should check.
I learnt from my own mistakes and 10yo dd won't be allowed social media at all until 16
Watch social dilemma

The programme is called Undercover Police: Hunting Paedophiles. It's on all4. It's VERY graphic. You might want to watch it yourself first to see what you think.

Thank you I'll watch that.

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/m.huffingtonpost.co.uk/amp/entry/video-about-murder-of-kayleigh-haywood-warns-teens-of-the-dangers-of-chatting-to-strangers-online_uk_586ba7bfe4b00768ddd0f1b5/

The video in this article about Kayleigh Haywood is quite harrowing.

@Ccccchanges

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/m.huffingtonpost.co.uk/amp/entry/video-about-murder-of-kayleigh-haywood-warns-teens-of-the-dangers-of-chatting-to-strangers-online_uk_586ba7bfe4b00768ddd0f1b5/

The video in this article about Kayleigh Haywood is quite harrowing.

She watched that. Got upset, but it's like she doesn't believe it could happen to her.

Yes I have all this with my 14 year old DS. He plays a specific game on Xbox and gets chatting to the other kids playing it. So they're conversing via Instagram messaging - not exchanging phone numbers etc

However I don't like it. I check the messages fairly often and last week discovered a 13 year old girl has sent him anime porn - quite explicit stuff. They were literally chatting about a school PE class and how he calls it PE and she calls it gym (she's in America) when she suddenly wrote ' hey, look at what I've got in my camera roll!' followed by 6 images. She's 13. 13! And this is hot on the heels of a conversation he was having with a 22 year old woman (who the fuck knows though?!) who also plays the game and although wasn't chatting anything suspicious with him, just WHY? Why is a young woman wanting to talk to a young teenager?

Anyway I've had enough of the Instagram dramas that he seems quite involved in. They're all 'dating each other' and it's just ridiculous. He's a young 14 and I know he's keen to 'keep up.'

I won't be removing the whole thing as he'd be distraught and I don't want to risk him going 'underground' with it - at the moment he tells me most things. But I feel your pain and we are currently working on deleting everyone from his account that he does not know.