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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH working over the weekend

41 replies

Andv · 06/03/2021 10:54

Hello everyone.
AIBU by getting upset because my DH took a job to do over the weekend?
Our DD is 5 month old and with lockdown, maternity and not having family around and obviously not been able to see fiends I feel a lot of time quite alone and tired.
Our DD has been quite difficult the first 3 months - not sleeping well, crying a lot and have to keep always on my arms. When she was around 3 month he took a job after work and I end up been on my own with her until sometimes 11pm. I told DH that until she settles please don't take any more jobs after work. He usually gets home by 5.30pm
I can say that now my little one is much better. She will stay on her chair a lot, sleeps more and is not fussy at all. Well she still naps on me or in the pram if I take her out.
Well so now DH gets home saying that he has taken a job to do over the weekend... "only 2 hours Saturday and Sunday" which I know by experience it won't be 2 hours... he does painting, flooring, etc and always something else comes up.
Am I right to think he should have asked me about it before taking the job ?
I don't know if I feel like this because I am a new mum

OP posts:

pumpkinpie01 · 06/03/2021 10:58

Do you need the money ? Is he self employed?

Lockheart · 06/03/2021 10:59

Do you need the money?

Justcallmebebes · 06/03/2021 11:01

Sounds like he's working hard to support his family. Unless there's a back story I don't see a problem

Original poster

Andv · 06/03/2021 11:02

Money in is always a plus, but we are doing well as we are and I don't consider that we really need the extra money right now...
He used to be self employed that's why sometimes he still gets jobs.

OP posts:

Original poster

Andv · 06/03/2021 11:05

I know @Justcallmebebes that's why I feel bad when I get upset. He is a really hard worker.

OP posts:

NavaniKholinRocks · 06/03/2021 11:08

I would be annoyed too. By not discussing it with you first he’s just assumed you are the default parent even at the weekend and limited what you are able to do.

sunflowersandbuttercups · 06/03/2021 11:10

I wouldn't be angry about DH taking on some extra work, no.

I get it's tough for you but it's not like he's out playing golf or on a jolly. He's working and earning money for your family.

Chamomileteaplease · 06/03/2021 11:13

I would sit him down soon, make him look you in the eyes and listen to you: "DH I really need you at home at the moment as much as possible. There will be other times in the future when it will be great for you to make some extra money, but at the moment we have a very young baby to care for and I am very, very tired and very lonely. I need you to be at home as much as possible during this time."

If you were going to counselling they would probably ask your husband to repeat back what he thinks you said, to check he has heard and understood.

I am suggesting this because it sounds like he just isn't hearing you .

SimonJT · 06/03/2021 11:17

I wouldn’t feel secure being the sole earner (even for a limited time), so if I was in that position I would personally take on additional work so I could build my rainy day fund in case of unemployment, illness etc.

JorisBonson · 06/03/2021 11:18

@sunflowersandbuttercups

I wouldn't be angry about DH taking on some extra work, no.

I get it's tough for you but it's not like he's out playing golf or on a jolly. He's working and earning money for your family.

Yep.

DH regularly takes 12 hour overtime shifts at the weekends. It's shit because I can't go and see anyone at the moment, but the money all goes towards our future.

If he went out on a tear up for 12 hours at the weekend, then I'd have an issue.

We are very lucky that he gets to do this overtime at the moment so I wouldn't complain.

sunflowersandbuttercups · 06/03/2021 11:26

OP - if he'd asked, would you have said no?

How would that impact his reputation if he has to keep turning down jobs?

GirlLovesWorld · 06/03/2021 11:30

I remember this feeling from when my kids were small, the desperate feeling of filling long days by yourself.

Thing is though, he's doing what he needs to do for your family, and your doing what you need to do, and in the early years it sometimes feels like the other side always has the better deal.

Maybe a conversation would help about the short and long term; you're thinking about what you need today and he might be thinking about what the family needs generally.

GoldenOmber · 06/03/2021 11:36

I don’t think he should get to unilaterally decide to do this just because it’s earning money. I get the chance to do overtime/extra weekend shifts every so often and I wouldn’t ever just say yes without discussing it with DH, because he’d be looking after the kids. He needs to talk about it with you.

GreatTeaMonkey · 06/03/2021 11:40

Does he spend any time with your DD? Or you for that matter.

billy1966 · 06/03/2021 11:40

OP,
Do you get the feeling he is using work to avoid being at home and doing a share of parenting?

Many men do this.
Conveniently using work to avoid family life.

Only you know the truth.

Tal45 · 06/03/2021 11:46

He needs to talk to you about decisions that impact you. It's called good communication and it's as simple as that. xxx

partyatthepalace · 06/03/2021 11:48

@Chamomileteaplease

If you were going to counselling they would probably ask your husband to repeat back what he thinks you said, to check he has heard and understood.

I am suggesting this because it sounds like he just isn't hearing you .

Well it sounds like you feel you aren’t getting enough support, and you might be right, and it sounds like he feels he needs to be earning more money, and he might be right.

When you feel calm, set up a conversation with him and explain you are struggling and would like some more help. Let him explain how he feels to you too. It may be there are other ways you could get help (eg family, dropping BF) or ways he can help and still take on more help. Or it may be this is the way it is, but at least you will both feel heard.

Sounds like you are both doing the best you can for your family so keep the communication flowing. And if you are going back to work soon make your you divvy up parenting properly then - this is VERY IMPORTANT

supersonicginandtonic · 06/03/2021 11:52

You have a child under one, you can form a support bubble. Can you do it with your family?
Also you can meet friends for exercise. It's what has kept me going with my friends. Meet a friend for a walk, you said baby sleeps in the pram. That way you're not alone all weekend.

MyLordWizardKing · 06/03/2021 11:56

I don't think the fact that he's going out earning extra money for your family automatically means that it's the right choice and you're wrong for being annoyed about it. I know when I was stuck at home with a baby all week, I longed for the weekend so that I had some adult company around the house - and that was way before lockdown, where I could go out to baby groups and social visits if I so wished.

Extra money is nice, and of course if your family is relying on it then he has little choice but to work, but a new mother's mental health is also important. Sometimes there's only so much you can bear.

Stompythedinosaur · 06/03/2021 12:04

I can see that it might be something to agree together, but I wonder about whether not ever working at weekends will effect his job?

I've just turned my laptop on to do a few hours work today, and will likely to the same tomorrow. It's shit, I would rather be doing something with my dc, but my career is important to me and we rely on my income.

Sittingonabench · 06/03/2021 12:18

It’s a balance OP, you asked he didn’t take on work until she was settled and it seems she is more settled. You actually don’t want him to take on extra work as it leaves you alone which is completely valid but not what you said. From his perspective he gets these offers as he is known from being previously self employed, he may think if he says no too many times he will stop being asked which is a valid point for continuation of work and it is good to keep an extra stream of work going in case the worst happens. I think some of this is due to being a new mum which is not a reason to discount your feelings. You need to discuss with him what you actually want and what impact that will have on him in an honest way.

Dahlietta · 06/03/2021 12:38

Do you mean a job as in some work this weekend or a job as in a permanent pattern of working weekends? It sounds like you mean the former, in which case you are definitely being unreasonable. If the latter, less so.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 06/03/2021 12:41

I wouldn’t expect to have to ask my DH if I can work extra, I’d find that very stifling and controlling to have to do so.

In this climate i would imagine lots take work where there is some. Madness not too and it may limit his options in future.

peak2021 · 06/03/2021 12:53

It seems this weekend as in the evening were one-off jobs. If so, YABU.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 06/03/2021 13:03

Is he hands on with baby when at home? As someone up thread said, only you can know if he is using work as a way to avoid family responsibilities.

That said, in the current economic climate I can understand anyone doing what they can to keep family finances in good state, he's luckier than most to have plenty of opportunity to earn a bit extra.

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