AIBU - Women and children in the UK have to flee from their homes to escape their violent partners and fathers

[TheNewKaren]

I’d love to be wrong, but IMO this is the reality in this country some way into the 21st century.

Yes. The "tell him he has to leave" posters dont understand.

It’s an awful reality; yet there is pretty much zero intervention into why violence is happening and why we on the whole seem to accept it

As opposed to what? There's not police force enough to deal with every DV call out in a prompt manner.

Even worse, when they get to a hostel, it will either be open to male bodied people too, meaning that violent exes could show up and be let in; or the hostel will have lost funding because it isn't "inclusive". That's the reality now. Vulnerable, traumatised women are doubly fucked.

@SenecaTrewe

Even worse, when they get to a hostel, it will either be open to male bodied people too, meaning that violent exes could show up and be let in; or the hostel will have lost funding because it isn't "inclusive". That's the reality now. Vulnerable, traumatised women are doubly fucked.

I found out yesterday that apparently the Equality Act 2010 sets out that the comparator for discrimination is within the sex class - so, correctly applied, it means that it should be trans men who are treated the same as women in single sex facilities.

Transwomen should be given the same access to refuges as men.

So it’s even MORE unfair that this is happening. Organisations that are operating correctly under the EA are being hounded!

(NB I’m happy to be corrected if I’m wrong on that legal point as it was what I understood from what I was reading and I don’t have a legal background).

Many years ago I told my violent partner that it was over via a phone call, we didn’t live together. The next day he turned up, when I refused to answer the door he kicked it in, then he dragged me along the hallway by my throat. Neighbours heard my screams but no one called the police (I lived in a block of flats). Unless you can provide body guards for every woman at risk, there’s no choice.

We have refuges, I lived in one myself after the above incident, although I am also concerned about recent developments like a pp. What else is there? I know some women have stayed at home and had panic buttons fitted, grills over the windows etc. But to me that’s like being in prison.

I’m happy to be corrected if I’m wrong on that legal point as it was what I understood from what I was reading and I don’t have a legal background.

I believe you are correct unless the person has a gender recognition certificate and even then, as I understand it, they can be excluded from single sex spaces if the exclusion is, "a proportionate means to achieving a legitimate aim". Which in the case of women's refuges would be not further traumatising abused women and children and providing an environment they feel safe in.

The trouble is, most of the perpetrators don’t give a flying fuck about non molestation orders/bail conditions. So the only way to be safe is to move to a new and unknown location. So a woman who stays will constantly be having to look over her shoulder waiting for him to turn up unannounced. Not sure what the solution would be apart from locking up all the perpetrators forever. Which is never going to happen.

@Number3BigCupOfTea

Yes. The "tell him he has to leave" posters dont understand.

I always wry smile at this one.

Like he'll suddenly stop being an abusive arsehole for 5 minutes and willingly go.

The fact us that the courts and police will barely get these fuckers out. As if a stern word from their victim will do anything except get more abuse towards her and the kids.

Love also "leave for the kids" - who are immediately subject to unsupervised 50/50 contact with an abuser. Brilliant.

I think it's pretty universal. Legally women can have the home awarded to them and their children, but is you are abused you are usually too terrified to do this.

I had to leave the family home due to DV. So traumatising for the kids. I moved 200 miles away. Best thing I ever did in the end but at the time the worst.

Yup, I was forced out by an abusive bastard. I thought he might kill us all in the night, so I took all the kitchen knives and slept with them under my pillow until I managed to sneak away.
I was further traumatised by social services. The first social worker was a psychopath.
Thankfully, a paediatrician one of my son's was seeing stood up for me against their bullying.

@Number3BigCupOfTea

Yes. The "tell him he has to leave" posters dont understand.

Ah, yes. The same crowd who think that just because they demand something of somebody it automatically happens. Usually the same ones who think that "did you mean to be that rude?" Is the ultimate put down that there's no coming back from. Why, yes, I did mean to be that rude. That's why I said it.

I sometimes wonder if those posters actually live in the real world or if all their social interaction takes place on screen.

It doesn't even have to go this far. My ex was EA more than anything (though with the very odd bit of physical violence thrown in). I ended up moving out of the house in joint names. He is now tens of thousands of pounds better off than me due to him keeping the house and me having to start with only the money I put in, which I guess I'm lucky to get, but none of the increase in the value of the house, which he will keep.

I moved out because I knew there was no way that he would. There was no point fighting that. I now have to scrape a deposit together again and will be lucky if I ever get a mortgage on my own.

I guess they were lucky enough to have been so assertive from day one that they are if anything the more dominant partner in the relationship. Any small insinuation that my x was behaving less than perfectly towards me made him angrier. It was always my fault. I didn't leave. I escaped and then he abused me through the courts. It was my low self-esteem that got me in to that situation in the first place but a lot of posters just post ''why have children with men who don't treat you well''. They do not understand because they cannot understand. Their parents SAW them as separate people. Their parents were attuned to their emotions. Their parents didn't gaslight them. Their parents didn't withhold good mood until they had 100% compliance.

Have I missed something? Is someone saying this isn't the case? Of course women have to flee from abusive partners! That's why there are women's refuges, womens aid etc, no?

Whoever says otherwise is just silly.

@Number3BigCupOfTea I'm sorry you went through that.

I'm very fortunate to have only ever been (and am still in) a loving and equal relationship. It still doesn't mean I'm naive to the fact that there are awful relationship dynamics out there and I don't think anyone should have the excuse that just because they haven't been through it personally then they can't relate or understand.

I'm really so sorry you have been through all that and I agree that people who have never had experience may not understand why a woman would be in that position. I am still so shocked that anyone thinks a woman would never have to flee that scenario even if they grossly view it as "of her own making" or anything

Well I’m not being funny but wouldn’t you want to be the one that leaves? If I had a violent ex partner I wouldn’t want him to know where I was living so if you stay he will know where you live and possibly continue to turn up and abuse you so maybe it’s best

@PearlescentIridescent

Have I missed something? Is someone saying this isn't the case? Of course women have to flee from abusive partners! That's why there are women's refuges, womens aid etc, no?

Whoever says otherwise is just silly.

The same posters who think their word is law, and so whenever there is a say a post about somebody being owed money post their grand solution of -

"Well tell him he IS going to give you the money."

Okay.

I told him. Still have no money.

*The same posters who think their word is law, and so whenever there is a say a post about somebody being owed money post their grand solution of -

"Well tell him he IS going to give you the money."

Okay.

I told him. Still have no money*

Yep, way too simplistic sometimes on here. I posted in someone else thread (thread's been deleted) about some problems I was having that were similar to OPs.
Was told "Just do x, y, z". Thanks. Already tried that, if it was that simple I'd be laughing.

The law is on the side of the abuser. Even though we have extracted ourselves from the grip of a violent partner/father by and large, looking back and still suffering emotional and financial consequences is shocking and frustrating.

Also regarding Woman's Aid etc - what can they do? They all sing the same song: take your kids, leave all your property behind and live like you are on the run. Why is that even an acceptable solution for women with children?

This was me. Last year I fled horrific dv from my ex whose also a child abuser and abused our DD, :( we had child protection intervention and I received a chilling phone call from a social worker telling me to leave.. I left with 3 black bin liners of my daughters belongings and toys and whatever I could get off the washing line.. Many people who know me said had I not left when I did its probable he would've murdered me as he's such a disturbed individual. I can't fault the police and social services though.. As well as protecting my daughter they protected me

Yes still without a home over 6 months later. Can’t be housed in social housing as officially I ‘own’ a home (that I can’t access) and finding a private rental is nigh on impossible. My housing officer is lovely, but ineffective.
I am stuck with the liability of a property I am not allowed to live in, ex won’t do anything about it because why would he? It’s just another way of making my life harder.
A solicitor told me even if I took it to court they would award the house to him as he paid the mortgage, they won’t care he physically and emotionally abused me to the extent I had to flee my own home.
So yes, it is weighted in the abusers favour.

Same with the family court. Its apparently my daughters right to be forced to see her abuser.