...to feel like such a failure?

[CremeEggVictim]

I’m feeling really low at the moment.

I’ve just been looking up people I was at uni with on LinkedIn and they all seem so successful - famous journalists, lawyers, editors. I’m a primary school teacher, single and depressed at 31.

I worked so hard to get into my uni and just lost all confidence there and feel like I’m completely good for nothing. We have a reunion soon and I feel like I’ll be embarrassed to say my job and the fact I’m single and suffering from panic attacks still years after graduating.

Do some people just have it easier than others? I just feel crap at my job and crap at life really.

Is it too late to turn everything around? I feel so stuck. 😔😔😔

@CremeEggVictim

Thank you so much, everyone.

@Pieceofpurplesky wishing you lots of extra luck for Monday.

@Labobo thank you. I’m hoping the CBT will help. You’re right about making a list of things I want to achieve. I did C25K years ago and did find it helpful to have those small goals - maybe that’s something I should try again.

@CremeEggVictim - I've been where you are and felt what you felt. I refused to turn up to a lovely reunion a few years ago because I felt like a fat failure among skinny wealthy people I'd been at uni with. But it was a wake up call. I got fit, lost weight, improved my career, got on with some projects that make me feel good. If they have another reunion I'd go now. CBT is so helpful. And bucket lists are such an easy way to add fun to your life. You get such a massive dopamine boost from them. I remember being in London with DC one day and realising we were near Monument. Since I was a child I'd wanted to go up it but never done it. We went up and it was so beautiful, looking at the city from this lovely old tower. You get an energy burst every time you get around to something - even something as simple to achieve as that - which you have put off until now.

My brother had big dreams but had his family earlier than planned and now manages a pub. He has a lovely family, lovely house and is well respected at work. He’s also got a big chip on his shoulder about everyone in his life doing better than him. He pulled away from all his friends who he thinks all have these big ‘London jobs’.

When I was going through infertility years back and knew he was having a tough time I tried to say how amazing he was doing and he says I was being patronising (prob was but was genuinely jealous of his life!) and he didn’t speak to me for a year.

Anyway years later, he’s very much isolated himself. He’s just found out that his school friend with a massive house, family, senior figure at a bank, has killed himself due to pressure this week. He didn’t have it all after all. None of us know what other people are going through. Someone can look happy and be utterly miserable. But if you’re doing well in your job, whatever it is, you have something to be proud of (here I am sounding patronising again).

I look up to teachers and think they do a very hard job. Be proud of yourself!

My brother still barely speaks to me. He doesn’t know that I’ve had to start my career three times over in different industries due to having kids and I still earn hardly anything. He just assumes I’m fine and living the high life.

Don’t be him.

I think your depression is causing a lot of your worries and affecting your confidence.
I’m a primary school teacher and I love my job and feel very successful. Yes I’m not as financially successful as a lot of my friends but I have never been made to feel inferior for this. My friends and I are all supportive of each other’s careers.
Have you sought help from your gp in relation to your depression?

If it helps while you’re still in your job, focus on one small thing each day that would give you some job satisfaction and remind yourself that it really matters to you and the student you supported. I work in HE, and have several colleagues with no children or other responsibilities and who are getting the research grants and more publications than me and get the management recognition- you can feel very small faced with that. But I know what I am good at - I’ve sat myself down and told myself so in recent years. So when I get an email from a student thanking me for spending time with them helping them to understand how to improve their work I tell myself that I’ve done something good today. And when I get an article out in a good journal I congratulate myself as well, but the public recognition doesn’t bother me either way. A couple of good colleagues and friends say well done and that’s great. I refuse to feel that I’m not progressing well enough, not earning enough etc if I can make a difference to even just one student that day.
PS I didn’t have my family at your age - there’s time for that.

I do love the children I teach

that's the main thing, not anything else.

Personally, I'd feel really proud to tell people I was a primary school teacher. I think people have a lot more respect for that than you are thinking right now. Also, how do you know the people you looked up in LinkedIn don't have panic attacks? I bet many do. It's very common.
Do you think it's down to social anxiety? If so, I've found counselling very helpful for that.
31 is no way too late to change profession/career/change your life if you want to. And you've already achieved so much already working hard to get to uni (again I am envious). A tip I once read was to think of something you already had achieved when you are down. Even regularly writing a list of things you've already achieved, from small things to big can give you a boost.
As others have said I think a lot of this is down to you being depressed, which is making you very hard on yourself.
You sound like a great person

I will tell you something, and this is so true for many people. I spent my twenties going out, having fun, working but riddled with anxiety. No one really knew how anxious I was.I nearly gave up my career as I felt so incompetent compared to others and never felt that what I had to offer in meetings was ever taking seriously. My confidence definitely took a knock throughout my twenties. I'm 38 now and I will honestly tell you that my thirties has been the beginning of a new found confidence in me. You finally reach a stage where you stop wondering how to please people because you actually don't care anymore. You become more settled and happier in yourself.I think you are like me,some people hate getting older but I absolutely love it,the older I get the more happier and content I am. Go to your reunion,tell them about your amazing job, tell them of your passion for teaching and let them be jealousy when you tell them how the lovely hours and school holidays give you all the time you need to travel. Tell them of your plans to travel or whatever you like to do on holidays. You sound like someone to be envied not pitied, and you certainly do not sound like a failure.

I sympathise op.
One of the most helpful techniques I have found is when I have a negative thought to ask myself 'where is the evidence for that?'. You mention everyone thinking you are crap but where is the evidence for that?
Everyone has done so well since school apart from me - where is the evidence for that.

I think 31 is still youthful!! I wish I was 31!!

CremeEgg If you feel that way why not do some post-grad courses and become a better teacher?

[quote CremeEggVictim]@CurlyhairedAssassin thank you. And late 40s is also not too late to become one if you still want to! I feel like teaching is something you can start at any time, and actually I wonder if I might have enjoyed it more if I’d done it as a second career with more life experience. There was a dad in his 50s on my course who was retraining.[/quote]
This did cross my mind about 5 years ago but I do know how heavy the workload is (I am secondary school support staff and also have friends who are primary school teachers) and my husband works 60 hours a week himself. My own kids would be basically left to bring themselves up and it's not what I wanted for them. Plus I honestly I don't think I have the stamina these days. I haven't got the same energy levels I had in my 20s so I think I'd feel a failure before I'd even got a few months in!

@CremeEggVictim

Ah thank you *@Whattodo121* ! Yes, teaching can be SO cliquey! There was a lot of bullying in the first school I worked in and it definitely didn’t set a great tone in terms of how I feel about the job.

The idea of thinking of the strands I do like about the job is a good one - I think I need to start reflecting on it all a bit more seriously and think about some changes. Covid has just made everything feel so stagnant! It’s like I can’t imagine having freedom to make choices again if that makes sense.

Yes, it's exactly this - Covid has made everything feel so stagnant! It's taken away our choices so we feel powerless to change anything. I keep reminding myself of this. Others in work are starting to mention how hard they're starting to find it. We are nearly a year in, don't forget. We have just got on with it, and got on with it, and every time the goalposts have moved further away. It's been hard. Give yourself some credit. Don't lose confidence.

Primary school teacher is a great job.

Journalist and editor are definitely going down as careers, can think of well known journalists that now have to support themselves via Patrion.