...to feel like such a failure?

[CremeEggVictim]

I’m feeling really low at the moment.

I’ve just been looking up people I was at uni with on LinkedIn and they all seem so successful - famous journalists, lawyers, editors. I’m a primary school teacher, single and depressed at 31.

I worked so hard to get into my uni and just lost all confidence there and feel like I’m completely good for nothing. We have a reunion soon and I feel like I’ll be embarrassed to say my job and the fact I’m single and suffering from panic attacks still years after graduating.

Do some people just have it easier than others? I just feel crap at my job and crap at life really.

Is it too late to turn everything around? I feel so stuck. 😔😔😔

Thank you, everyone. You are all so lovely.

@MrsTulipTattsyrup I hadn’t really thought of it like that. Thank you.

@ExhaustedGrinch maybe impostor syndrome is part of it. I think this feeling of complete worthlessness started at uni where I just felt so stupid compared to everyone else, and it has never really gone away. I will have a look and see if there are any books that will help.

@SecretSpAD yes, it’s the stopping comparing that is so hard. Thank you for being so kind.

Linked in and social media in general is a brag fest, linkedin is about telling everyone how great you are at your career in the hope of getting noticed by a better company. You are a primary school teacher which is so important, you are teaching the next generation, you have a degree which is a huge achievement.
So many parents even if they don't tell you will be grateful for the job you do!
But I know a few people that are teachers and the bitching and backstabbing between teachers is there too! (yes it's negative but I have seen this happen alot to know its there) if you are really unhappy in your job, you can transfer your skills.
If it's more panic attacks and feeling you are not good enough you can get help for that, even if you pay privately its an investment.
We are living in such strange times, even in war times people are not facing the same restrictions we are facing now so everyone's mental health is being impacted in one way or another.
So you are not alone!

Teaching is one of those jobs that can be quite cliquey and the atmosphere varies hugely in different schools. I’ve worked in schools where everyone is lovely and we all supported one another and I’ve worked in ones where the atmosphere is so toxic it makes you anxious just stepping through the door. I second what a PP said about finding the aspect of your job you like and then focussing on that and looking a bit outside the box. I qualified at 27, did my NQT and first few years in a boarding school (loved it!) then worked at a private primary, then a private through school and now have gone back to the state sector, doing a completely different role. It took a lot of steps to get to where I am now, but I’ve gained SO much experience and it means that I have the confidence to go ‘I’m not happy in this workplace so I’m going to make the choices to make myself happy’ and have applied elsewhere. There have been a lot of setbacks along the way, but it’s all worked out ok 👍
I have also struggled with depression and anxiety and workplace bullying, so I’m not saying this to be super smug, I’m saying that you don’t have to accept feeling a bit shit at your job, I’m absolutely sure you’re not, but if your workplace is making you feel like you’re shit, maybe it’s time to change that?

Also everything is bollocks on LinkedIn. Take it all with a pinch of salt!

Thank you @Pippin2028 these odd times certainly don’t help, that’s for sure!

I adore my kids primary teachers. It's a job I could not do. It takes a special person. Try and get online cbt course. Would you consider medication- sertraline worked wonders for me. Cant advise on single bit but everyone seems to be old to meet anyone lately.

I used to have similar thoughts to you OP and CBT really helped me.
Start catching those negative thoughts/self talk and stop it growing.

For example I used to say I was a terrible parent/wife/employee. And it was making me depressed. Fact is I wasn't but because I'd got into a cycle of saying that to myself I started to believe it.

I feel similar. I'm 30, currently an unemployed single mother. Before this I taught English as a foeign language.

I also feel worthless and like I'm doing life wrong.

I love creme eggs too.

I feel you OP! I’m a nurse, band 6 so kind of junior sister level but in a specialist area. Many of my student nurses I signed off 15 years ago are now at the most senior level band 8’s and far more qualified and knowledgeable than me. But I’m happy so try to stop the comparison of what I could have done.

Ah thank you @Whattodo121 ! Yes, teaching can be SO cliquey! There was a lot of bullying in the first school I worked in and it definitely didn’t set a great tone in terms of how I feel about the job.

The idea of thinking of the strands I do like about the job is a good one - I think I need to start reflecting on it all a bit more seriously and think about some changes. Covid has just made everything feel so stagnant! It’s like I can’t imagine having freedom to make choices again if that makes sense.

Everyone you are all so kind!

I had wondered about medication @Hankunamatata but I think I want to wait for the therapy first. @Sickoffamilydrama glad to hear CBT helped you. Fingers crossed.

Oh @raskolnikova solidarity to you! I really think lockdown doesn’t help all of these thoughts. Also I think teaching English as a foreign language sounds very cool and interesting - in fact that’s something I had wondered about doing if I leave primary teaching because I feel like there would be a bit more autonomy, maybe? Or maybe not. At least we have creme eggs!

@Ermidunno well being a nurse is amazing full stop. And yes, I think stopping comparison is key - it’s just working out how to do it!

@CremeEggVictim

Everyone you are all so kind!

I had wondered about medication @Hankunamatata but I think I want to wait for the therapy first. @Sickoffamilydrama glad to hear CBT helped you. Fingers crossed.

Oh @raskolnikova solidarity to you! I really think lockdown doesn’t help all of these thoughts. Also I think teaching English as a foreign language sounds very cool and interesting - in fact that’s something I had wondered about doing if I leave primary teaching because I feel like there would be a bit more autonomy, maybe? Or maybe not. At least we have creme eggs!

It varies depending on where and how you do it. I used to teach in language schools abroad, they could be cliquey and have poor managers too, although some schools are nicer than others. Some people manage to get a decent wage being self-employed, although I only got a couple of private students here and there, not consistently.

Cremeegg I feel exactly the same as you. I think it's the anxiety of going back - I teach at secondary and I bet, like us, you have been bombarded with directives this week about hygiene, rules, shielding children etc etc whilst trying to zoom and teach the children in school! I have been teaching over 20 years and these last few weeks have probably been the worst. My head doesn't know what's happening.
I have a permanent knot in my stomach. I am also a 50 year old single mum (albeit easier without the arse in my life the money is a struggle). I feel that my job is in danger and they all think I am useless - that's because I think I am useless. If I stop and think I know I am OK at a tough job and help the kids.

I also look at friends with shiny new houses and amazing holidays with great careers or SAHM working for charities ... but then when I see them (not recently) or talk to them they moan about their lives too. Life can be hard however shiny it appears online.

Don't beat yourself up. This time next week you will have your hands full of excited kids!

Solution- don't look at LinkedIn.
Instant 100% mood improvement.

Success is subjective. People may have picture postcard lives...doesn't mean they are happy.
I don't mean to downplay your feelings at all; it's very easy to feel ill of ourselves and our own achievements. But remember, comparison is the thief of joy...

We’ve all had a very difficult year, and teachers have been right at the sharp end. You should be very proud of your profession I think you guys have done an amazing job!
As someone said on another thread “teachers are one rung below NHS on the sainthood ladder at the moment “

I always wanted to be a primary school teacher. I love kids and it was something I'd grown up wanting to be. I vividly remember a wonderful teacher I had who was just so good with the pupils, I looked forward to every class.

Ended up becoming a university lecturer. I like my job but it isn't something I want to stay in. I'll be leaving after maternity leave, and will go self employed for a while. Maybe one day when the kids are school age I'll retrain and get that primary school teaching job.

Never feel ashamed, OP. You should be really proud of yourself - you're doing an important and worthy job. You're also only 31 - plenty of time for a DH and everything that entails yet, if that's something that's important to you.

Be proud at your reunion!

@CremeEggVictim

I do love the children I teach, but I feel like the adults and other staff think I’m crap. I feel like I had all these dreams for my future when I was younger and now I’m a not very good teacher instead.

Thank you though @weightedblanketlove that’s really kind. I know I need to stop comparing myself to others.

What were the dreams for your future?

I agree with others that this level of negative thinking is worryingly distorted. You are doing a lot of projecting or what CBT calls mind reading, which is to assume you know how other people are thinking and feeling and how their lives are going. You don't know that the adults at your school think you are rubbish, unless they have said so outright, in which case, shame on them for their lack of professionalism and support.

You don't know that everyone else is succeeding. Lots of roles in law are horrendously badly paid. Duty solicitors earn around £30k a year working unsociable hours with difficult clients in miserable situations. Barristers can struggle a lot at first too. High street solicitor work is deathly dull.

Many journalists also earn about £25-30k these days. Their rates have plummeted. You may see their names in mainstream papers but that doesn't mean they are salaried. They could be freelancers desperate for a steady income. Editors too earn modest amounts in most publishing houses - even top commissioning editors are capped at about £40k. Another low paid profession for the expertise required.

Don't assume. People we envy can be having a terrible time. I remember when I was at my fattest, struggling in a yoga class, almost in tears as I watched this lean, graceful woman in front of me performing incredibly complex poses. I was so envious of her body. When the class ended I overheard her chatting to the teacher about some serious condition she had - cancer or arthritis - I forget which. But I felt so shocked that I'd spent the class wishing I had her body, when actually, what was wrong with mine (being overweight) was perfectly fixable.

Why don't you make a bucket list of everything you'd love to do - easy fun things, challenges, plans for your career, free time, home, relationships etc. Work out what your dreams are now, and start activating them. Do some of the small easy stuff immediately - like mastering a new recipe or yoga pose, or starting C25K etc. It will make you feel optimistic.

Look into ways to get out of teaching. Or at the least change schools. I've been there. Sadly there are quite a lot of very arrogant and competitive ambitious teachers - basically bullies - who thrive on putting others down even though they can do it subtly and 'supportively'.

It all depends on your definition of successful I guess. To me, a primary school teacher is about as valuable to society as it is possible to get. Therefore you are successful.
In some countries (esp Denmark and Scandinavia) teachers are really appreciated and treated much better than here.
What you do is amazing but if I were you, I'd have a look at changing schools and see if you enjoy it any better in a different environment, rather than giving up entirely.

@CremeEggVictim

I’m feeling really low at the moment.

I’ve just been looking up people I was at uni with on LinkedIn and they all seem so successful - famous journalists, lawyers, editors. I’m a primary school teacher, single and depressed at 31.

I worked so hard to get into my uni and just lost all confidence there and feel like I’m completely good for nothing. We have a reunion soon and I feel like I’ll be embarrassed to say my job and the fact I’m single and suffering from panic attacks still years after graduating.

Do some people just have it easier than others? I just feel crap at my job and crap at life really.

Is it too late to turn everything around? I feel so stuck. 😔😔😔

You are successful OP- you are a teacher- you have a career.

Yes, you are unreasonable to think that you are a failure but your feelings are valid- maybe think about why you feel that teaching (which has a huge impact on your student's lives) is somehow less worthwhile than working as a barrister or famous journalist.

If status, fame or a high income are very important to you then you could consider retraining in a different profession; alternatively try to reframe the situation.

With re. to being single- you still have plenty of time to meet someone and it's better to not be with someone than to be with the wrong person. Some of your friends/ex school mates will be with/married to the wrong person and secretly regretting it!

You're a teacher... One of the most respected professions in my eyes, and after the past year, I think most parents will forever be in awe of how difficult teaching young children is. OP, you should never feel ashamed of your achievements, no matter how big or small you feel they are. They make you you, and you are the best person at being you. If you don't enjoy your job, then retrain, but don't do this just because you feel you aren't successful enough. If you have a roof over your head, and food in your fridge, then you're alot more successful than you might think.

Thank you so much, everyone.

@Pieceofpurplesky wishing you lots of extra luck for Monday.

@Labobo thank you. I’m hoping the CBT will help. You’re right about making a list of things I want to achieve. I did C25K years ago and did find it helpful to have those small goals - maybe that’s something I should try again.

I think you are in the wrong job and that's why you feel down. I'm guessing you have a background with high expectations and that's why you feel like a failure, when you are not. Would you try research in education or something else you are interested in. There are lots of pressures in teaching. Teachers have a lot on their plate at the best of times. I think a change would do you good. If the other staff are unsupportive it's sounds like a bullying culture.

Op I've been in your shoes and nearly left my profession because of it. Cbt really helped and also guided meditation. The app insight timer is fantastic. Its free and there's thousands of mediations to choose from. Even 5 minutes of thinking more positive thoughts helps me stop feeling self critical and improves my ability to think differently and change my negative thought patterns. I think of it as rewiring my brain.