To think this is NOT nagging

[TheUnheard]

Completely PISSED off . Furious

I’m sick and tired of getting accused of nagging. It’s not nagging. If people listened the first time I wouldn’t have to repeat myself and then I couldn’t be accused of it.
It’s everything!
No other person seems to do anything it’s always me. I feel like I’m constantly ignored and to be heard I have to repeat myself which of course is ........nagging. It’s like my opinion or me asking for some help occasionally is just nagging.

For example I’ll ask for some help with something - get accused of nagging
Recently been speaking to Dh about one of dcs needs thought we had agreed on something- Dh now doesn’t recall any of the conversations now that it’s time to put stuff into place suddenly so what needed doing hasn’t been done and me saying why hadn’t I been listened to and why doesn’t he recall the conversations is me nagging. Then he starts going on about how much he does which is the sum total of changing 3 nappies, making a couple of dinners and being master of the fucking bbq each summer and I’m supposed to I think apologise for ‘nagging’

AIBU to just want to be 1) listened to and 2) not to be accused of nagging just for speaking

I hear you op. YANBU.

Delegate stuff fully and let him sink or swim.

I did meal planning, shopping & cooking.

I’d say it’s a man thing, but I’d be accused of being sexist.

I’m just sick of it for example we can be nearly out of bread so I’ll get the freezer loaf out and say whoever next goes to a shop please get couple of loaves. Nobody does and nobody tells me when there’s 1 slice left so then I ask again as Dh is going past shop on way home and I get accused of nagging.

Or with dc we had discussed it Dh nods and agreed on 3 occasions then tonight i said ‘oh I’ve done this the last 3 days can you tonight ‘ and I get ‘do what ? No idea what you’re taking about ‘
Doesn’t recall our conversations and I get told to stop nagging. Then I get told that it’s not his fault he does so much ! Something about the time he made bacon sandwiches for everyone for breakfast and that I should be grateful and stop nagging

you need to be more organised with the shopping. So you get a loaf out of the freezer, write it on the shopping list. Don't you ever notice there's only 1 slice of bread left? You have a child in nappies, who else is scarfing down all the bread who can't write? (as an example)

Treat discussions where DH has to take action (or you do) like work meetings. Write down the key points. Give him a copy. Agree who is doing what and when.

Can you just stop doing things? it sounds exhausting and like when my DCs say "why do you shout so much" and the answer is "because apparently you don't hear the 5 times i say it at a normal volume". I feel your pain but don't have any really good ideas.

@Brefugee

you need to be more organised with the shopping. So you get a loaf out of the freezer, write it on the shopping list. Don't you ever notice there's only 1 slice of bread left? You have a child in nappies, who else is scarfing down all the bread who can't write? (as an example)

Treat discussions where DH has to take action (or you do) like work meetings. Write down the key points. Give him a copy. Agree who is doing what and when.

Can you just stop doing things? it sounds exhausting and like when my DCs say "why do you shout so much" and the answer is "because apparently you don't hear the 5 times i say it at a normal volume". I feel your pain but don't have any really good ideas.

It’s hard with the bread. Dh and teenage ds seem to have weeks where they have so much toast so I get extra then they go off it and I have bread go mouldy then I get less and they eat more I can’t work it out at all. You can guarantee the odd occasion i fancy toast there’s only 1 slice of bRead it really is Sod’s law

Nagging is a dismissive verb used only by men toward women when they ask them to do something they don't want to do.
A man asks, a woman nags apparently.

So what's his solution to things getting done? He doesn't want to listen to you, he doesnt want to be reminded. Presumably he either wants to live in a shit til with no food or he can come up with his own suggestions such as a pre agreed split of chores

@FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken

So what's his solution to things getting done? He doesn't want to listen to you, he doesnt want to be reminded. Presumably he either wants to live in a shit til with no food or he can come up with his own suggestions such as a pre agreed split of chores

I’m not sure but me asking or reminding clearly isn’t appreciated!

I’m at the stage I feel like getting a tent / camping stove and living in the garden and fending for myself and not having to worry about anyone but myself

I’m so angry on your behalf OP!

Time to split the chores evenly. Sit down like a work meeting, agree who will take full responsibility for which aspect of household management. Pin on board and email him a copy.
No need for ‘nagging’ as you do your jobs and he does his.
If he won’t do his share and there is never any bread in the house or whatever, time for a different conversation.

Have you tried not nagging at all? If the bread runs out tough luck. Hopefully they will learn from the natural consequences of their actions. Maybe hide a bit of bread somewhere for yourself.
If you want them to do something that actually needs to be done such as putting a child to bed, politely ask at the time it needs to be done. Don't say that you did it the last 3 nights because that is kind of making it seem like your responsibility.
For anything non urgent just don't do it and don't say anything. Or if you have very different standards then decide to cheerfully do it yourself, without resentment, because you will benefit from having a clean house and you can't expect someone else to do a lot of cleaning if they actually don't care.

@Brefugee that’s what l do. Treat it like a business meetings with actions agreed and allocated. To all parties obviously!

This being MN, shouldn't someone ask if this could be dementia? How old is your husband, OP? If he's over 50 (or is it 40?), must be dementia!

Seriously, YANBU. Someone who can't pay attention or remember shouldn't be throwing around accusations of nagging.

As PP suggested, write it all down and divide it up.

we have a jobs list on the Fridge. I mostly add to the list but we each decide which bits we're going to do. I have stopped taking any responsibility for anything that wasn't allocated to me.

@Shnuffles yeah or mental health issues. That’s another classic! Being blunt it’s probably he doesn’t fucking listen! OP has my sympathy as my fiancé often doesn’t

I get it. I ask him/them to do something, again and again, I get told I’m nagging. If I get pissed off and then tell him/them I’m a bully. Just bloody do it.

If any man I lived with accused me of "nagging" to excuse his own lazy arsed behaviour he'd be slung out of the front door and bin bags full of his stuff after him. Fuck living with that!

Nagging is a dismissive verb used only by men toward women when they ask them to do something they don't want to do.
A man asks, a woman nags apparently

I cannot agree with this enough. The term "nagging" is SO sexist!

This book has some good ideas around this, OP

www.amazon.co.uk/Fair-Play-Win-Win-solution-Women/dp/152940018X

He thinks you're his mother and should run around after everyone. If he doesn't listen text him. You'll then have evidence. He has to grow up, stop being selfish and treating you like staff

*you need to be more organised with the shopping. So you get a loaf out of the freezer, write it on the shopping list. Don't you ever notice there's only 1 slice of bread left? You have a child in nappies, who else is scarfing down all the bread who can't write? (as an example)

Treat discussions where DH has to take action (or you do) like work meetings. Write down the key points. Give him a copy. Agree who is doing what and when.*

Fuck that shit
Is the op the only adult ?? Why should she have to take the responsibility of noticing the bread has run out.

My ex was one for those refused to let me shop alone (he was controlling) so I would text him asking if he could grab some milk/bread on his way home from work boom im nagging him so i would ask him once and that was it where is the bread for the sandwiches? I asked you to get it where is the milk? I asked you to get it i wouod always offer to pop to the shop up the road he would allow it IF I took the kids which was hardly a hardship they are mine 🤣

He is an ex now

I hear you. I'm angry with you. I pointed out to my h the other day that his use of the word "nagging" was literally him advertising to the world that he never, ever does anything the first fucking time that he's asked. Never mind the fact that I shouldn't have to ask him in the first place.

I start having conversations with my phone recording him. I did this with my ex as I was convinced he had early dementia. When he was confronted with it he told he didn’t do anything because he felt he shouldn’t. It was nice after years of gaslighting to get some honesty.