To think this is NOT nagging

[TheUnheard]

Completely PISSED off . Furious

I’m sick and tired of getting accused of nagging. It’s not nagging. If people listened the first time I wouldn’t have to repeat myself and then I couldn’t be accused of it.
It’s everything!
No other person seems to do anything it’s always me. I feel like I’m constantly ignored and to be heard I have to repeat myself which of course is ........nagging. It’s like my opinion or me asking for some help occasionally is just nagging.

For example I’ll ask for some help with something - get accused of nagging
Recently been speaking to Dh about one of dcs needs thought we had agreed on something- Dh now doesn’t recall any of the conversations now that it’s time to put stuff into place suddenly so what needed doing hasn’t been done and me saying why hadn’t I been listened to and why doesn’t he recall the conversations is me nagging. Then he starts going on about how much he does which is the sum total of changing 3 nappies, making a couple of dinners and being master of the fucking bbq each summer and I’m supposed to I think apologise for ‘nagging’

AIBU to just want to be 1) listened to and 2) not to be accused of nagging just for speaking

Write everything that needs doing on the fridge and tell everyone you expect them to do their fair share. When they do it they write their name next to it. If they can't behave like adults treat them like children and you won't need to mention it anymore as you'll have proof they are just lazy arseholes

He can't have it both ways - either he doesn't remember the conversations, therefore it's the first time he's been told (and you're not "nagging") or he knows full well he's been told before (so therefore you are "nagging").

@FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken

So what's his solution to things getting done? He doesn't want to listen to you, he doesnt want to be reminded. Presumably he either wants to live in a shit til with no food or he can come up with his own suggestions such as a pre agreed split of chores

Oh, his solution is simple. He wants/expects OP to do it all herself.

Been there. Got out. Haven’t looked back.
Men like this don’t change. And it took me years to work out that it’s all completely conscious and deliberate. He just doesn’t want to do it.

The two times Dh accused me of nagging, l told him it was a sexist patriarchal word used to exert control of women.

He never said it again😁

I bet his boss doesn’t need to “nag” to get him to do stuff.

He’s taking advantage because there are no consequences.

Let the bread run out. Let his own behaviour inconvenience him.

Is there any product that would substitute for bread that you like (but that he dislikes)? Oatcakes? Ryvita? Have them on standby for yourself. It’ll probably only happen once or twice before he shapes up.

When he faces the consequences of whatever he hasn’t done, remember to behave calmly and airily. Don’t rise to the bait when he moans.

@user1471462428

I start having conversations with my phone recording him. I did this with my ex as I was convinced he had early dementia. When he was confronted with it he told he didn’t do anything because he felt he shouldn’t. It was nice after years of gaslighting to get some honesty.

Just shows you eh? I have been on the verge of recording mine sometimes as I was beginning to think either he or I had dementia. It’s maddening behaviour.

What @SnackSizeRaisin said.

I really feel for you.

However

Living with other people is no guarantee they will share your standards, priorities or expectations, even when married!

Match their effort level (cheerfully- no passive aggression). They can’t be bothered to remember the thing about the bread, don’t YOU then put the effort in on their behalf. Let the bread run out. Are there things that you would like to chuck in the “fuck it bucket”? Do so!

When the bread runs out and you are munching on your oatcake, remember to say “oh what a shame you don’t like these. I got them because the bread is always running out”

"How can it be nagging, apparently you don't remember the previous times I brought it up"

@Cisonostatibellagiorni

"How can it be nagging, apparently you don't remember the previous times I brought it up"

🤣🤣🤣🤣

Disengage and please yourself.

If my DP spoke to me like that I’d think he didn’t really like me very much, or respect me. If you aren’t a team, fuck him off.

Teenager can also buy bread, can’t he?

@Cisonostatibellagiorni

"How can it be nagging, apparently you don't remember the previous times I brought it up"

Superb point! They DO remember. It’s staggering how a man who gives every verbal reassurance that they love, care and respect you are actively working beneath the surface to ensure they keep you exactly where they want you. Once you see it, you can’t unsee it.

Keep your own supply of bread in the freezer and use that for toast. Hide it in a veg bag if necessary.

Let them work out how to obtain their own bread when theirs runs out.

Assuming neither of them have any special needs, they're quite capable of feeding themselves and buying the food for this, without you doing it for them. They've already shown they don't appreciate your efforts with all the thinking and reminding, so just leave them to it. They'll soon work it out when the bread fairy stops delivering.

OP,
Stop doing ANYTHING that benefits them.
Stop buying any food they like.
I mean anything.
Stop with the laundry.

Don't do a single thing that benefits THEM.

It works.
They treat you like a mug, because you are a mug.

Stop being a mug, and they will stop treating you like one.
It really is that easy.

Fuck that shit
Is the op the only adult ?? Why should she have to take the responsibility of noticing the bread has run out

The person who uses the last of something writes it on the list, and because you have one spare of everything, hopefully you don't run out before the next shopping run (with milk we buy 3 litres per week some weeks we use more, so the long life milk comes out)

If there aren't any cornflakes because someone didn't write them on the list (and i don't go through cupboards when it's my turn to shop, i get what's on the list) then there aren't cornflakes until the next person goes shopping (DH and i take it in turns).

In OPs position I'd have a secret stash so I wasn't inconvenienced, but i definitely wouldn't be doing their thinking for them. OTOH if my DH called him a nag I'd stop doing anything at all around the house unless it benefitted me.

Next time..
'Stop nagging'
'I'd love to. Awesome idea. So, I've split the chores fairly. You're on shopping and cooking. I'm on laundry. Dcs are on dishwasher and cleaning.'

And, if he's on shopping and cooking, make sure you have a hidden stack of food somewhere.