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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Schools aren't open to all until the 8th?

64 replies

YouAreStorable · 04/03/2021 19:02

Name changed so my other threads aren't identifiable, but I'm a regular and long-term mumsnetter.

I completely understand that schools have never been shut, and that keyworker children and those classed as vulnerable have always been able to go in, and I realise that the reasons for being classed as vulnerable vary. However, unless a parents work situation has changed (understandable) or school has decided a child now classes as vulnerable when they haven't before, children shouldn't have suddenly started going back into school this/last week should they?

I'm happy for people to tell me there are reasons, maybe teachers that have started having some of their class back early, to tell me that actually this was allowed and we just weren't aware of it. Our concern however, is that the child is suddenly being classed as vulnerable.

This is in relation to one of our dc who is in primary and lives with us 50% of the time. We've had issues in the past where school haven't informed us of things even though we they are supposed to inform both parents of everything because they say it's privacy for the other parent, although if it's about the education or welfare of our dc. There have also been issues with home schooling, where despite us having the dc and equal amount of time, the work hasn't been done at the other house and we've either had to do the entire weeks worth or they've had to miss significant chunks- neither of which is fair on the dc.

While all this is frustrating that the other parents won't be supportive of the dc in that context, we've been doing the majority of the work with them and so that alone shouldn't be enough of a cause for concern for the dc to be taken back into school. As we haven't been informed of this, we've also not been taking them in on the days they're at our house. This leaves us worried that there are other concerns that we're not being made aware of. AIBU to think this is the case, or has it actually been ok for some children to have already returned to school part time and it's just coincidence that it's not on the days they've been with us?

OP posts:

SnackSizeRaisin · 04/03/2021 21:13

This sounds like a terrible situation for the child, being stuck between two hostile parents to the extent that they can't even admit they have been to school.
School probably just don't want to get involved. Surely 2 adults responsible for a child can swallow their pride and be civil to each other? This child is probably going to be permanently affected by having to live with this burden - a bit of missed school work will be the least of their worries.

Velvian · 04/03/2021 21:18

Your tone makes me quite uncomfortable. You are sounding extremely judgmental. When you separate, to some extent you need to mind your own business about your ex partner's life. Your children being in school is not a SG concern in itself.

I appreciate you have an agreement that the school informs you everything, but what a ball ache for them for every little thing that parents should be sharing between each other.

I'm sure you are quick to bemoan how your ex does not share anything with you, but your contempt is palpable, so it is unsurprising. I think you need to take more responsibility in the obvious failure to coparent.

Rainydayss · 04/03/2021 21:18

My DD went back this week as he was very anxious about starting again with everyone on the 8th. The school suggested he came back early to gradually get back into it.
The schools are very aware of anxiety in children at the moment so maybe other schools are doing the same...

Original poster

YouAreStorable · 04/03/2021 21:24

@SnackSizeRaisin

This sounds like a terrible situation for the child, being stuck between two hostile parents to the extent that they can't even admit they have been to school. School probably just don't want to get involved. Surely 2 adults responsible for a child can swallow their pride and be civil to each other? This child is probably going to be permanently affected by having to live with this burden - a bit of missed school work will be the least of their worries.

Oh God, that's unfair! I won't engage any further than to say it is only on the side of one parent, not both. We try and have tried everything, and it's genuinely hurtful to have such nasty things said when we're doing our best for the dc.

I won't give too many details for identifiability, which is perfectly reasonable, but there have been safeguarding concerns in the past, and are significant long term mental health issues- with the other household, not ours. That was backed up in the past by the courts, medical professionals and police, and I suspect it says more about you that you assume we are just as bad....

We also have other dc in the home, who also have another parent, and funnily enough none of these problems, because we are all reasonable people perfectly capable of being civil to each other. Sadly it's not always so straightforward, and in our case, regarding the specific dc I'm discussing here, it will never be possible.

OP posts:

Original poster

YouAreStorable · 04/03/2021 21:26

@Velvian

I appreciate you have an agreement that the school informs you everything, but what a ball ache for them for every little thing that parents should be sharing between each other.

I'm sorry you feel that way, I hope you read my last reply.

My tone is quite detached in this solely because I'm trying not to make it too identifiable, but to cover all the important aspects. As I've said though, with the other dc in our household and their other parent there are none of these issues, and we all get on very well.

OP posts:

Original poster

YouAreStorable · 04/03/2021 21:27

@Rainydayss

My DD went back this week as he was very anxious about starting again with everyone on the 8th. The school suggested he came back early to gradually get back into it. The schools are very aware of anxiety in children at the moment so maybe other schools are doing the same...

That sounds really sensible in that case!

OP posts:

Velvian · 04/03/2021 21:32

I hope that you do take the more critical comments on board, op and think about the ways that you can change your interactions with the other parent to improve the situation. That is all you can really control.

Your language really paints the other parent as 'bad' You said that you are not the bad household (implying the other parent is). Your DC will be aware that you think this. How uncomfortable for them.

YellowMugPuffin · 04/03/2021 21:45

I've noticed lots of children returning to school this week on my Facebook, both my DDs school and other local schools, DC who up to now have been home fulltime. So it might not mean anything at all.

Original poster

YouAreStorable · 04/03/2021 21:49

@Velvian I think if you were fully aware of the circumstances you'd understand, but I do take it on board how that can be viewed without the whole story. My language is very much intended only for anonymity.

It's certainly a painful situation for everyone involved. The interventions of outside agencies and diagnoses involved etc though are sadly very clear- and there are not the same issues in any way in the relationships within the other parenting situation in the household.

This thread is very much though solely about working out if there were reasons for children (who weren't keyworker or otherwise vulnerable already as far as school was concerned) to be suddenly back in school, and so how worried we needed to be. I'm reassured a little now that although there could be concerns, there are also other reasons, so we can worry a little less while we wait to hear from school.

OP posts:

CoronaIsShit · 04/03/2021 21:59

If the situation with the other parent is as bad as you are describing OP, why have you not gone for full custody?

Original poster

YouAreStorable · 04/03/2021 22:13

@CoronaIsShit

If the situation with the other parent is as bad as you are describing OP, why have you not gone for full custody?

It's terrifying how that could go wrong. I've seen so many times on here and other places where the wrong judge on the wrong day and the consequences for the dc's is terrible. We would love to have more time, while recognising that it's massively important they still have time with the other parent, but unless it was led by safeguarding, we would be painted as trying to take them away, which is totally not where we're coming from, and just wish the situation was better.

OP posts:

Original poster

YouAreStorable · 04/03/2021 22:14

Like I said though, none of that was the point of the thread, and I'm genuinely grateful for the replies addressing that.

OP posts:

Symbion · 04/03/2021 22:16

Yes we've had quite a few drifting in since half term. In my son's case his diagnosis meant I asked for a "standby" place right at the beginning but we didn't ask to take it up until after half term. We could cope for half a term at home but then he reached his limit.

You're quite right, you need to know why your child is in school, and also know so that you can manage your infection control risks.

stablefeet · 05/03/2021 15:51

@YouAreStorable

So to clarify some things, the other parent is at home, not working when they have the dc. They have technology, although frequently refuse to use it, and have also had paper copies of all work provided throughout. DC younger end of primary age. We've worked like mad with dc to keep them as up to date as possible on our half of the week, and when we've explained the circumstances of having to do that, school have repeatedly told us we've been doing enough, and they weren't worried.

Suddenly dc goes back to school, we're not informed of it, or why, and dc won't talk to us about it.

I think from responses here, I'm definitely still worried about what's going on and why we're not being kept informed, but I'm less worried that there might be an urgent safety concern.

Op - our staff are on their knees trying to keep up with children in school, supporting learning and providing work on paper for "disengaged" families. They would definitely do their best to get the children in if they weren't accessing home learning and part of the reason for that was a lack of parental support. The paper work packs are a total pain in the arse. They have to be delivered, then the parents are at least supposed to take photos of the completed work for the teacher to see.

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