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Original poster

to be worried why DH would call me by ex’s name

55 replies

confused14453 · 04/03/2021 14:23

Throwaway account.

I feel like I need some sense talking into me to get over this thing that happened last night..

DH and I have been married for 7 years, together for 10. We’ve never had any major issues in our relationship and no issues of infidelity. I have trusted him totally and I would like to think he says the same thing about me.

DH was with his ex partner for several years, they split up a couple of years before he and I met. From what he’s told me in the past, part of the reason they split up was because she was unfaithful to him, but they decided to work through that, only for her then to be offered a job transfer to Australia which she accepted, and they went their separate ways. He said that they did keep in touch via email for a few months but eventually lost all contact with each other. He’s never given me any reason to not believe this.

I was also cheated on by a previous partner and so I think that fidelity is something incredibly important to both me and my husband because we both have first hand experience of the hurt when cheated on.

So..last night, we were having husband and wife relations and to my absolute horror, as DH was.. finishing, he called out his ex’s name!

Obviously, the moment was completely gone, I was like what....??!... he was completely mortified and couldn’t stop apologising. I went into the bathroom for a few minutes to gather my thoughts. I went back into the bedroom to find him sitting on the bed looking very sorry and he said that he doesn’t know why it happened. I asked him outright if he was still in touch with his ex and he said no. I told him that if he was still in touch with her as a friend then I did not have an issue with this but I would appreciate openness and honesty. He promised me that he does not have any contact with her and has not for many years, since before he and I met. I asked if he still has any underlying feelings for her, and he said not.

In the early days of my relationship with my husband, I worked so hard on myself in terms of overcoming my insecurities thanks to my abusive ex-partner, who cheated on me with both men and women. It did take me a little while to let my guard down with my husband in the very early days.. but that was all a long time ago now and we’ve been extremely happy all these years! He knows about my past and has been very patient with me.

As a result of my husband doing what he did last night, I hardly slept because I have been so anxious.

We’ve not spoken much today yet because he’s been in meetings all day (WFH) and I was busy earlier. I am ashamed to say that I saw his tablet lying there on the side in the kitchen this morning and I was very tempted to snoop through it. I did not do this and I would never do this.. but the temptation was there for a brief moment :( I really do not want to feel like this. But what my husband did last night is so out of character. He is quite shy about his body and rarely says anything during intimate moments, let alone something like his ex's name! His quietness during intimacy has never bothered me, it’s just who he is and we still have a satisfying love life. I’m making the point that this is just so out of character for him.

I don’t know what to do, should I just let it slide? or try to talk to him about it further? It really has completely blindsided me.
Thanks all.

OP posts:
MaMisled · 04/03/2021 14:34

Please stop fretting! DH and I have been deliriously happy together for 19 yrs and we do this all the time, or call each other weird amalgamations of both names, even during sex! Its just how our brains work and means nothing.

CroutonsAvatar · 04/03/2021 14:37

Not ideal, and I would be livid, but he was maybe just fantasising? I wouldn’t take it as an automatic indication he’s in touch with her.

I totally understand why you are so insecure about it. I would be exactly the same.

boredinthouse · 04/03/2021 14:39

Very very occasionally I will call DH my XDP name. We split up almost ten years ago and I hold absolutely no feelings for him whatsoever! It normally happens to me when I'm really stressed about something, for example I did it about three times in a row when our DC had been taken into surgery and I was upset. I feel awful about it every time but I hope that DH understands it's just the way my stupid brain works. He's never called me by his XDP name, so maybe some people are just better at not doing it than others.

AryaStarkWolf · 04/03/2021 14:41

but he was maybe just fantasising?

About his ex, ouch

OwlBeThere · 04/03/2021 14:44

It’s a slip of the tongue. Nothing more. I really wouldn’t worry!

Pippa234 · 04/03/2021 14:46

'but he was maybe just fantasising?'

I thought the same (sorry OP) Sad

Bufferingkisses · 04/03/2021 14:49

I think these things do happen, the brain is very strange sometimes! My OH did it once (not sex but more a situation needing an urgent response) he was so mortified that he obsessed about not doing it again leading it to actually happening 3 more times. You could see the strain on his face when he needed to call out to me because he was so petrified. In the end I took the piss out of him, he relaxed and stopped worrying I was going to leave him forever or something and it never happened again.

It sounds like you have no reason to think it is anything other than a brain fart aside from some (understandable) fear. IMHO try not to obsess over it and try not to let him either.

NotFabulousDarling · 04/03/2021 14:52

We've been together over a decade and neither of us have ever managed this. Sorry.

PhatPhanny · 04/03/2021 14:54

His actions would mean more to me than saying the name, ok, it was at a pretty shitty time, but honestly, he sounds like he is genuinely really sorry.

My husband is a sleep talker, thats great fun 😂 he picks up on names from tv and has random dreams about it like captain Jack sparrow in eastenders trying to save ET from the Trex before the minions take over the world!

Talk it out if you need to, dyour feeling were hurt and you need to ease your worries too, but try not to fixate on it.

Wakeupalready · 04/03/2021 14:56

Sometimes I think this just happens.
My partner has not done this to me, I have done something to him but from a very different context.
I had several partners that cheated on me. During marital relations, as you put it, my husbands face has somehow turned into theirs and I have frozen and had to end the sex. It's incredibly difficult to explain to your partner without them leaping to the conclusion you view them as cheating. Even having them assuming you are fantasising about them.
I have no rational reason why it happens. But it has. More than once.
If there are no other issues in your relationship and he is genuinely remorseful - I am not sure you will do anything positive to your relationship by obsessing about it.

GreenWillow · 04/03/2021 14:58

I’d be worried too OP, I haven’t even thought about my ex for years.

Ariela · 04/03/2021 14:59

Well given I completely forgot what you call that machine that sit in the corner of the utility and you put clothes in to clean them, so called it the hoover (it's not made by hoover, nor do we own a hoover brand vacuum), I guess it's possible he just got it wrong. But I do think you need to talk.

JesusAteMyHamster · 04/03/2021 15:02

I called my dp mother the other day....... She's been dead for 12 years Hmm

It's easy to get a name mixed up or come out with the wrong one, I honestly wouldn't worry about it. And certainly wouldn't let it spoil what you have

Original poster
confused14453 · 04/03/2021 15:05

In a moment of weakness I’ve just done something really stupid.

Argh.
I just looked at up his ex on Facebook (my MIL is friends with her on there) and it turns out that pre-covid, she relocated back to the UK.

Obviously now my mind is doing over time.

OP posts:
Original poster
confused14453 · 04/03/2021 15:06

(I will add that all I did was look her up I didn’t contact her lol)

OP posts:
maras2 · 04/03/2021 15:09

I wouldn't think twice about snooping.

JayAlfredPrufrock · 04/03/2021 15:10

My DH randomly called me his ex wife’s name in conversation after we had been together 20 years. His sister who was with us was horrified. I couldn’t have cared less.

JustStopFightingPlease · 04/03/2021 15:10

He sounds like he was really sorry - I think you should just be open and honest with him about how it's made you feel and what insecurities it's raised. Hopefully he can help reassure you.

I think some people are worse at this than others - I am often calling people the wrong name and a few times I have called my DH either my ex's or one of my brother's names. Not at climax tbf but they have definitely come out of nowhere and I haven't even been thinking about that person at the time. The name has come out without me even registering it.

NeverEnoughCats · 04/03/2021 15:10

This happened to me - I said my ex’s name during in intimate moment. I was absolutely mortified, and felt really awful for my DP! I’ve not thought about my ex in that way for years, and although we see each other when the kids go from my house to his, we don’t communicate at all other than that, so there was definitely nothing behind it.

I asked my counsellor about it. She said that if you imagine your brain is a bit like a filing cabinet. We tend to put people/objects/events of the same type or category in the same drawer. For example both of my children are in the same drawer. My four cats are in the same drawer. And so are my current and previous partners. When your emotions are a bit heightened, e.g. when you’re stressed or in the middle of something that gives you a rush of emotion, such as sex, your brain misfires and picks the wrong bit of information out of the correct drawer. That’s why, if you’re feeling a bit harassed with your kids because you’re late, have a million things to do and so on, you call your kids by the wrong name.

I’ve done it since, in a non-intimate situation (just a bit harassed trying to get tea on the table, with both of our kids going on in the background), and we just laughed it off. I think it just felt so much worse whilst we were having sex.

I wouldn’t worry about it, to be honest.

Original poster
confused14453 · 04/03/2021 15:10

@maras2

I wouldn't think twice about snooping.
I cannot bring myself to do it. Believe me it is tempting but I am not going to. It’s just not something we would do in our relationship Simply because for all these years there’s been no reason to
OP posts:
hellywelly3 · 04/03/2021 15:11

I think it’s just a case of a random word but sometimes things don’t feel right for a reason. She won’t be the only woman called that name could there be someone new with the same name? X

KnobblyWand · 04/03/2021 15:15

I honestly thought that 'calling out names' at the point of climax was a book/film trope.

Rosieposy89 · 04/03/2021 15:16

How upsetting for you. I was with my ex 7 years and I have a real fear of accidentally calling DH by his name. Sometimes that fear can make you say it. There was a time I accidentally called my DH by a pet name I had for my ex because I was trying not to. Your partner sounds genuinely sorry

Original poster
confused14453 · 04/03/2021 15:16

@KnobblyWand

I honestly thought that 'calling out names' at the point of climax was a book/film trope.
Same here until this happened to me last night!!
OP posts:
nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 04/03/2021 15:17

I would probably not worry too much about it. I accidentally called my coworker dad and said I loved him yesterday. Sometimes your brain just facts and produces something random. I also once asked my mum if the apricot had blinked yet. (Has the microwave beeped yet?)