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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be worried why DH would call me by ex’s name

55 replies

confused14453 · 04/03/2021 14:23

Throwaway account.

I feel like I need some sense talking into me to get over this thing that happened last night..

DH and I have been married for 7 years, together for 10. We’ve never had any major issues in our relationship and no issues of infidelity. I have trusted him totally and I would like to think he says the same thing about me.

DH was with his ex partner for several years, they split up a couple of years before he and I met. From what he’s told me in the past, part of the reason they split up was because she was unfaithful to him, but they decided to work through that, only for her then to be offered a job transfer to Australia which she accepted, and they went their separate ways. He said that they did keep in touch via email for a few months but eventually lost all contact with each other. He’s never given me any reason to not believe this.

I was also cheated on by a previous partner and so I think that fidelity is something incredibly important to both me and my husband because we both have first hand experience of the hurt when cheated on.

So..last night, we were having husband and wife relations and to my absolute horror, as DH was.. finishing, he called out his ex’s name!

Obviously, the moment was completely gone, I was like what....??!... he was completely mortified and couldn’t stop apologising. I went into the bathroom for a few minutes to gather my thoughts. I went back into the bedroom to find him sitting on the bed looking very sorry and he said that he doesn’t know why it happened. I asked him outright if he was still in touch with his ex and he said no. I told him that if he was still in touch with her as a friend then I did not have an issue with this but I would appreciate openness and honesty. He promised me that he does not have any contact with her and has not for many years, since before he and I met. I asked if he still has any underlying feelings for her, and he said not.

In the early days of my relationship with my husband, I worked so hard on myself in terms of overcoming my insecurities thanks to my abusive ex-partner, who cheated on me with both men and women. It did take me a little while to let my guard down with my husband in the very early days.. but that was all a long time ago now and we’ve been extremely happy all these years! He knows about my past and has been very patient with me.

As a result of my husband doing what he did last night, I hardly slept because I have been so anxious.

We’ve not spoken much today yet because he’s been in meetings all day (WFH) and I was busy earlier. I am ashamed to say that I saw his tablet lying there on the side in the kitchen this morning and I was very tempted to snoop through it. I did not do this and I would never do this.. but the temptation was there for a brief moment :( I really do not want to feel like this. But what my husband did last night is so out of character. He is quite shy about his body and rarely says anything during intimate moments, let alone something like his ex's name! His quietness during intimacy has never bothered me, it’s just who he is and we still have a satisfying love life. I’m making the point that this is just so out of character for him.

I don’t know what to do, should I just let it slide? or try to talk to him about it further? It really has completely blindsided me.
Thanks all.

OP posts:
Palavah · 04/03/2021 15:18

Just a brain fart?

Shetoshe · 04/03/2021 15:22

Not ideal, and I would be livid, but he was maybe just fantasising?

I'm not sure that would make me feel better! But I admit that was my first thought too OP Sad I wouldn't have jumped to cheating, especially since you say this is all very out of character.

Could it be he had a nosey on her FB like you did and saw she was back in the UK and it got him thinking of her. I do this out of idle curiosity with an ex of mine. I have absolutely no romantic feelings towards him and I was the one who ended the relationship but we were together a decade so sometimes he pops into my head and I'll get curious what he's up to. Perhaps this is what happened and her name just slipped out by mistake?

Gahhh... it could be absolutely nothing but it's a shame as these small instances can have a big impact. Flowers

sanfranfibber · 04/03/2021 15:23

@maras2

I wouldn't think twice about snooping.
At which point your relationship would be dead.
Smoothsoul · 04/03/2021 15:25

In the mornings my dp has to get up before me. He can sleep through his alarm (phone) and it wakes me. I often say “turn of the alarm ex name” to be fair I was with my ex 20 years and I’m usually still half asleep but I HATE myself for it.

saffire · 04/03/2021 15:28

I've called my partner of 7 years by my ex's name. But only if he's pissing me off! 😂

gokartdillydilly · 04/03/2021 15:34

I'm afraid I did this once, at the moment of climax I shouted my female colleague's name. For some reason it just occurred to me that I'd forgotten her birthday. DH was VERY weirded out by it

user1471457751 · 04/03/2021 15:35

I thin you're being overly sensitive and there's nothing to suggest anything untoward is happening. I've called my niece by the dogs name, called my sister by my brother's name. It happens. It's only a big deal if you make it one and it will be your issue not his. He hasn't done anything wrong. I think if you were a man OP the replies would be telling you chill out

justcannotwithyou · 04/03/2021 15:57

@CroutonsAvatar

Not ideal, and I would be livid, but he was maybe just fantasising? I wouldn’t take it as an automatic indication he’s in touch with her.

I totally understand why you are so insecure about it. I would be exactly the same.

Jesus! Are we meant to be cool with this sort of shit now?
toocold54 · 04/03/2021 15:59

It was just a slip of the tongue. I’ve called my DD my dogs name a few times but it doesn’t mean anything. If you were having sex it’s easier to not think properly anyway.

toocold54 · 04/03/2021 15:59

I'm afraid I did this once, at the moment of climax I shouted my female colleague's name. For some reason it just occurred to me that I'd forgotten her birthday. DH was VERY weirded out by it

GrinGrin

Wanderlust20 · 04/03/2021 16:28

I was about to tell you not to worry as I've done this once myself - wasn't even soon after I split with ex, I've been with my DH nearly 7 years and my slip up was quite recently, within the last few years I think!

But... during sex?! That's completely different from slipping up when asking to pass the salt. I'd be angry too, and wondering if he was thinking of her during sex.

Wanderlust20 · 04/03/2021 16:29

Cannot believe some folk think its not a big deal DURING SEX! Did you miss that part?!

IhaveNotBroughtMySpecsWithMe · 04/03/2021 16:35

During sex is pretty weird.

I'm always calling everybody the wrong name but I've never got it wrong during sex!

SuckerPo · 04/03/2021 16:40

Yeah I agree with PP, the during sex part makes this worse imo.

It's one thing to do it whilst asking you to turn up the volume on the TV, quite another to do it during sex imo. It would set my insecurities off anyway, so I don't blame you for getting upset OP.

From an outsider's POV, I don't think it means anything but I'd be thinking the same as you if it were me so not much help!

Palavah · 04/03/2021 16:40

No, didn't miss that part. It wouldn't be nive at all. I would be, as OP was, totally put off the moment and feel eesh afterwards. I would be somewhat reassured that my partner was profusely apologetic. Given there have been no other signs that he's still obsessed with or involved with his ex I would have to put it down to one of those things. Not nice but what else would you do?

Have none you ever, genuinely, had someone come into your mind when you were having sex with someone else?

Ileflottante · 04/03/2021 16:45

I’d say he is very aware she is back in the uk and has likely been thinking quite possibly even fantasising about her. Not ideal (but probably normal), it would be much better you didn’t know, but alas, the cat is out of the bag. That doesn’t mean however he’s cheating. In fact he almost certainly isn’t but he has likely been thinking of her. Do you get on with your MIL?

NeverEnoughCats · 04/03/2021 16:54

@Palavah

No, didn't miss that part. It wouldn't be nive at all. I would be, as OP was, totally put off the moment and feel eesh afterwards. I would be somewhat reassured that my partner was profusely apologetic. Given there have been no other signs that he's still obsessed with or involved with his ex I would have to put it down to one of those things. Not nice but what else would you do?

Have none you ever, genuinely, had someone come into your mind when you were having sex with someone else?

I don't think it's even about having someone else come into your mind necessarily. When it happened to me, I was definitely not thinking of my ex, I don't really think about him at all except in relation to when he's picking the kids up or whatever. I love my DP with all my heart, and would never fantasise about anyone else at all. I just opened my mouth and the wrong name came out - my brain farted! It wasn't something conscious at all, just as it isn't conscious when I call DD1 by DD2's name. My counsellor said it's pretty common.
M0rT · 04/03/2021 16:54

I would be weirded out by this too, but wouldn't automatically assume cheating.
Could be he routinely called out her name when with her because she liked it and since you haven't pushed him to be vocal during "marital relations" when he felt the urge to shout that was what came out?
I moved where I put the kettle a few months ago and this morning I turned in the wrong direction and dropped the tea bag on the floor instead of into the bin...I was tired and rushing and my body went back to old routine.
Could also be that she recently appeared in his Facebook feed if she is friends with his DM and that put thoughts of her back in his head.
I'll be honest if she cheated and then took a job in Australia, even if your DH still carries a torch it sounds unlikely she does..

SareBear87 · 04/03/2021 16:56

This happened to me with my DP

Moment of passion and he looked me dead in the eyes and called out his ex's name - never seen him so mortified. Obviously killed the moment and I was annoyed for a few days but ultimately his response told me all I needed to know. He was beyond gutted, was at a total loss of what to do or say, and just couldn't stop apologising.

We joke about it now but I can totally understand why it hurts. Try not to read too much into it, I'm sure it is nothing

ScarfaceCwaw · 04/03/2021 16:58

Do you ever mix up your DC's names?

There's a known thing in the brain where, broadly speaking, we keep names in sort of "category" buckets, e.g. we keep all the names of "my children" or "romantic partners" or "pets" in the same bucket and in a moment of stress or distraction we sometimes pull out the wrong one. (My MIL had seven brothers and sometimes goes through several names before she gets DH's right, even though she only has one DS.

I don't think it means anything more than both you and his ex live in the "names belonging to romantic partners" bucket in his head and he accidentally pulled out the wrong one while otherwise engaged. So to speak.

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 04/03/2021 17:09

Not quite the same, but I do occasionally call my cat the name of my previous cat, who died 14 years ago.
Happens both when I'm talking to other people, and when I'm calling or talking to her. I love her dearly, and don't think of her a replacement for my first cat at all.
(I would love to still have my first cat too, but that's not the same thing).

Mabelface · 04/03/2021 17:20

I called my partner of over 3 years my ex husband's name the other day. As he knows how I feel about the ex, we laughed after i apologised.

Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 04/03/2021 17:47

I wouldn't worry OP. The other day I called one of our Dogs the same name as a much loved but long ago deceased Dog. It just came out. It's like these things lurk in there somewhere. Forever.

CroutonsAvatar · 04/03/2021 17:55

No. Of course not. Hence the words ‘livid’ and ‘insecure’ and not at any point the word ‘cool’.

But it’s not unheard of and that’s where my mind went first rather than physical cheating. But as lots of other people on this thread have done this sort of thing themselves then it is probably totally innocuous.

OchreBlue · 04/03/2021 18:20

Memory is also triggered by context which can be the emotional context, and our brains often say words that are associated with but not what we actually meant. I really don't think it's something to worry about unless you've got other evidence. I often call people my sister's name during arguments because she's the main person I argued with growing up. And my dad often ends phone calls by accidentally calling me their cats name, she was very loved and died 15 years ago.