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AIBU?

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Original poster

Overreacting?

36 replies

confused123woman · 04/03/2021 05:22

Hi,

Tonight I have come across in my DH Twitter search history only fans/Sex pages which I of course confronted to be told it was just curiosity as it had been retweeted to his page which led to an extensive search out of "shock" of what can be put on there. However after looking through his timeline no such thing has been on there so he's searched off his own back one would assume.

It feels like I've been punched in the gut as for the last few days I've been struggling majorly with my mental health and been in tears to him about how self conscious I feel and how inadequate I feel to the girls on social media to which he has told me time and time again has no respect for or interest in.

For me, porn is a line in our marriage which he has told me he was happy with as we have spoke at length for years about it and I was always told it wasn't an issue he could live without it. I believed him as due to young DC over 18 websites cannot be accessed from our phones/laptop etc however Twitter seems to be A loophole.

I have been in tears and feel physically sick since I found this. I'm struggling to believe what he said about it just being curiosity and I feel like he isn't telling me the full truth.

Just now I can't look at him the same and I'm not sure how to ever trust again what he says or trust him with my feelings/insecurities.

How do I Move on from this?

OP posts:
Changedname476 · 04/03/2021 06:54

So your DH has looked at porn?
Is it legal porn? Is it weird stuff that creeps you out and that's why you're upset? Is it very frequent?
Unless it was super creepy, illegal , constant searches or paying for it stuff, I wouldn't let this get too big a deal in your mind. It sounds like you ought have more open conversations at some point, but he told you he was curious and had a look,

Bluntness100 · 04/03/2021 06:59

Ok this doesn’t seem your against porn due to concern about the workers, more you feel insecure in how you compare.

He should not have lied and said he wouldn’t look at it, although I get why he did lie, but also the onus is on uou to do something to help with this level of insecurity.

Crying and being physically sick because he jacked off to some porn is a really extreme reaction.

Are you getting any help cor your self esteem?

Notanotherhun · 04/03/2021 07:02

It's porn. Hmm

Josette77 · 04/03/2021 07:03

I agree with Bluntness. It sounds like your self esteem is the bigger issue. He shouldn't have lied but given your reaction I get why he did.

Ponoka7 · 04/03/2021 07:05

You've tried to dictate something, he's finding he can't live with that. So it's about were you go from here. You need to ask if something has prompted this.

Mummadeze · 04/03/2021 07:08

I personally don’t think you should police what he looks at online so long as he isn’t cheating on you or engaging with anyone. It isn’t healthy to decide what is okay or not okay for him to look at. I look at all kinds of things that are private. I have looked up old boyfriends on Facebook out of curiosity or googled men with freckles because I think they look hot. It is not in anyway related to my relationship or how I might feel about the person I am with. He might well have been curious or simply used that as an excuse because he wanted to look at some pictures online. But I think you are taking it too personally. It seems like an over reaction and you might end up pushing him further away. If you know you can trust him in terms of being a good loyal partner then I would let him enjoy his alone time how he wants.

starbrightstarlight8888 · 04/03/2021 07:11

I think you're overreacting. I never understand people that say they've banned their partners from looking at something online. They are adults and have every right to look at whatever they want.

Morgan12 · 04/03/2021 07:15

Is he paying for Only Fans subscriptions? Or just searching the term on Twitter?

I don't think its any of your business if he looks at porn tbh. That's a personal thing that you can't police. But if he is paying for Only Fans then that's a different story.

PurpleFlower1983 · 04/03/2021 07:16

I think you are overreacting OP and need to work on your self esteem. Come off social media if it’s affecting you so negatively.

Imapotato · 04/03/2021 07:22

So was it just standard porn he was looking at? I don’t like porn, it does nothing for me and I don’t really want to watch it. I’m fully aware though that DH watches it from time to time. He would probably like us to watch it together, but that’s not for me.

I think you need to do some work on your own self esteem. You DH watching porn is not any reflection on his feelings for you, unless he’s been messaging, engaging with sex chat online etc, then it’s pretty standard male behaviour and not about you in the slightest.

hellywelly3 · 04/03/2021 07:26

Nothing wrong with him looking at porn. It’s a completely normal thing to do.

Original poster
confused123woman · 04/03/2021 07:29

I find it hard to believe that anyone would be happy with being lied to. It's a boundary for him as well as mine, it's something we both agreed with disrespectful to woman and that you don't know their circumstances etc. He has also agreed he'd prefer me not to watch it. It's not about policing his thoughts or what he does as he can be imagining whoever he wants in his alone time, it's about the deceit and the lies and sitting across from me last night looking at these things whilst I've been in tears about how I hate my body.

I can appreciate what everyone is saying but we mutually agreed what we felt was disrespectful in our marriage and he's stepped over that boundary. I've respected his boundaries yet he hasn't extended me the same courtesy.

OP posts:
Original poster
confused123woman · 04/03/2021 07:30

It might be normal for other marriages but if we've agreed in ours it's not something we want the other to be using and then doing so/lying about it is deceit in my opinion.

OP posts:
Aimee1987 · 04/03/2021 07:37

I think your overreacting but if it's a line for you then I guess you have 2 choices break up your marriage over it or accept it.

Is it a big enough deal to end your marriage. I would say going through someonez search history is a violation of trust and I would personally consider that to be a bigger line in my relationship.

Original poster
confused123woman · 04/03/2021 07:38

@Aimee1987

I think your overreacting but if it's a line for you then I guess you have 2 choices break up your marriage over it or accept it.

Is it a big enough deal to end your marriage. I would say going through someonez search history is a violation of trust and I would personally consider that to be a bigger line in my relationship.

There was no snooping. He asked me to search something on Twitter and it all came up.

Of course it's a decision I have to make and not one to be taken lightly. He has said if roles were reversed he wouldn't be happy either.

OP posts:
Neron · 04/03/2021 07:43

Being nauseous and crying seems an extreme reaction, regardless of whatever 'boundaries' you have set.
If this isn't something you can accept - leave him. However if you hate your body that much, that will remain the same unless you deal with it.

soresore · 04/03/2021 07:54

I understand why you feel the way you do. You feel betrayed. And it's also a shock because of the way you came across it.

sst1234 · 04/03/2021 08:37

Women are deluded if they think their partners are not doing this. Surprising how many women and shocked and upset to find out that they are. Who do you think makes up the billions searching for this stuff.

Bluntness100 · 04/03/2021 09:29

Your initial post feels more about your insecurities. The latter one you sound angry that responses didn’t agree with you and focuses on lies and deceit and disrespect to the women involved.

I mean yes of course it’s a lie if he said he’d not watch it then did. And yeah he should have told you, but I guess that was really hard to do, when your reaction is so extreme it makes you cry and vomit.

MyLittleOrangutan · 04/03/2021 09:39

Massive over reaction.

I dont get the blanket bans on porn. I'd never police my husbands masturbation, if it's legal then you can watch it. You're just setting yourselves up for failure by banning totally normal things that most people have urges for.

Swordfish1 · 04/03/2021 09:53

I don't think you are over reacting at all OP. I'd have been the same. Its the lies and him looking at images when he knows how you have been feeling lately. He should have been putting that effort into supporting you, not doing something that he knows would devastate you.

Its a line for you, that you BOTH agreed on. I too have that line when it comes to porn. In that I wouldn't tolerate it. My view is, if my dp thinks i'm not enough and has to seek sordid gratification elsewhere, either just visually or wanking off at some other woman, then elsewhere he can go.
Its a dealbreaker for me too.

Swordfish1 · 04/03/2021 09:59

Nothing wrong with him looking at porn. It’s a completely normal thing to do

Not normal if he respects how his wife feels about it. And not normal knowing his wife is going through a really tough time at the moment but does it anyway.

buckets01 · 04/03/2021 10:06

Don't want to pass any judgement on your situation. But i just wanted to point out that the Twitter timeline will change every time it is refreshed. So while you may have looked through the timeline and couldn't find the image he was talking about, that doesn't mean he was necessarily lying.

YeahYeahThatsMoi · 04/03/2021 10:06

I think you are over reacting. The issue lies with you. You have a problem with you/how you feel so you are taking this too personally. You need to work on your confidence & self consciousness, as well as your mental health.

Yes he shouldn't have lied but he hasn't cheated either.

Bluntness100 · 04/03/2021 10:10

My view is, if my dp thinks i'm not enough and has to seek sordid gratification elsewhere, either just visually or wanking off at some other woman, then elsewhere he can go

How does that work then? Is he not permitted to masturbate or is he under strict instructions if he does he can only visualise you? How do you police his wanking habits? Or do you just take his word for it...

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