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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Family member/child sex abuse images. Can anyone answer this particular question for me?

32 replies

ColouredOwly · 03/03/2021 08:27

Last year DHs family member was charged with viewing (making) indecent images of children. Categories A B and C. Equipment seized, they've admitted it, sentencing sometime this year.

His siblings all have children. He does not.

My question is this: Can anyone tell me why would only some of his siblings and their spouses be interviewed by police/social services - in depth, called individually to go to be interviewed - and others not approached by anyone at all?! Even a phone call. Why would there be such a huge difference? When we're all in the same boat?

We all have young children, all had roughly the same amount of physical contact with this man over the years and all live roughly the same distance from his home address.

I'm struggling to cope with this situation. (Not helped by attitude of certain members of the family). I can't talk to anyone about it. This question has been bugging me for 6 months and i wondered if anyone here would be able to shed some light on this.

TIA

OP posts:

Throwit · 03/03/2021 08:31

Have you heard of the lucy faithful foundation?
They offer support for families in similar circumstances
www.stopitnow.org.uk/

TakeTheCuntOutOfScunthorpe · 03/03/2021 08:35

Maybe they've got all the information they feel they need from the siblings they have contacted.

I guess that their main concern is to find out whether his offending was "just" online or whether there was physical abuse as well. (One does not necessarily mean the other, fortunately.)

Findahouse21 · 03/03/2021 08:38

Ime the police at the investigative stage will only want to speak with people that will be able to help the investigation. So anyone that their initial evidence leads them to belive may have knowledge/information to share. Obviously this would depend on what their initial evidence is but might include locations of Internet access, content of messages etc.

Later down the line they will work with children's services to identify any children who might have future contact so that they can work to share enough information /advice to ensure that the children are safe from future harm

Original poster

ColouredOwly · 03/03/2021 08:41

Throwit thank you. Actually yes, last year i went onto their website. I didn't find it very helpful to be perfectly honest. Firstly their forum had a bit of a prevailing attitude of ''poor men, how can we support them'' and secondly i recognised a family member posting on there already (who didn't seem to be receiving much support). So i didn't stick around. But thank you :)

I am a long time poster on MN and i just thought if i asked directly someone here might have some ideas of why the difference in wider family police involvement.

OP posts:

Original poster

ColouredOwly · 03/03/2021 08:47

TakeTheCuntOutOfScunthorpe thank you. Your line of thinking is the same as mine. I just would have thought they'd have wanted to talk to everyone.

Findahouse21 - Obviously this would depend on what their initial evidence is but might include locations of Internet access, content of messages etc.

Yep. Understood.

That is the point i thought they were at when half the siblings were 'spoken to' and the rest weren't. Perhaps they haven't finished yet?

I'm being deliberately vague about which side we fall on. Spoken to or not. (not sure why tbh!)

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 03/03/2021 08:50

If you want to speak to them and you haven’t then there’s nothing to stop you contacting them yourself

Findahouse21 · 03/03/2021 08:55

It might depend which local authority you all live in, as different children's services will also address these slightly differently. It will also rely on the police having knowledge that there are other family members

Harryrotter · 03/03/2021 08:58

It could be due to who has been referred to social care, eg. If the police referred one family who they believed may have been close or have had more contact then social care would contact them to discuss. This may then lead to more referrals for the other children. Or if in the initial phone calls or visits made to the family, they identify that none of the children in the family have spent time alone or otherwise with this man, then they may decide they don’t need to contact the other families.
Social care only speak to families where a referral has been made. The police would speak to anyone who would help with their investigation.
Sometimes that would involve asking social care to make a disclosure to the family if they don’t already know, or if particular children are at risk.

Original poster

ColouredOwly · 03/03/2021 09:02

Shoxfordian thank you. I wouldn't know where to start finding out who to speak to. The offences were committed in one country and the family live in another. (Both UK) I'm not sure that i want to speak to them. I don't know what i want.

It's all so complicated. My main concern is DH who's mental health suffered with this all last year. He has now improved a lot.

The family members which i have any direct contact with are minimising like mad. I'm disgusted by that. I bare it for DH. Reading between the lines of family phone calls there is a section of the family who feel like i do. But i don't normally have direct contact with them and i think it would upset DH a lot if he found out i was contacting them 'behind his back' as such.

Oooooh this is such a ramble. Sorry. I just have so much going on in my head about it all.

OP posts:

Mamamamasaurus · 03/03/2021 09:06

Nothing helpful to add but

Original poster

ColouredOwly · 03/03/2021 09:07

Findahouse21 different country from offender address. Different county from rest of family.

Harryrotter thank you. Ah ok. I think the police would know about all siblings. So it seems they just don't talk to everyone as a matter of course in a nut shell. This surprises me, but if it's the way it is then it answers the question.

OP posts:

Original poster

ColouredOwly · 03/03/2021 09:09

Mamamamasaurus thank you :)

OP posts:

Findahouse21 · 03/03/2021 09:33

Do you want to speak to the police to ask for/share information. Or are you worried that a call might come out of the blue and you'd rather prepare yourselves?

If you have children you can make a CSODS application (commonly known as Sarah's law)

Original poster

ColouredOwly · 03/03/2021 10:08

Findahouse21 - Not worried about a call out of the blue. Well, i wouldn't be, DH might. But that's because he's got more complicated emotions about this than me. I'm just angry!

I would like to ask for information confirmation and clarification really. I would have nothing useful to share - i don't think.

What would the CSODS application reaveal? At this stage i mean. Pre sentencing. (We do have young primary age DC)

OP posts:

Original poster

ColouredOwly · 03/03/2021 10:11

Part of the trouble is no one is talking about this. In the family. Apart from loads of sympathy for ''poor'' [insert family member name] and how he's doing and how 'they' (police/courts/social services?) are all bastards!

My tongue is bitten to shreds!

OP posts:

Beefcurtains79 · 03/03/2021 10:22

Do they think he’s been falsely accused then?

Original poster

ColouredOwly · 03/03/2021 10:32

Beefcurtains79 No - he's admitted it all.

But somewhere along the line (of trying to come to terms with it i guess) they've turned him into the victim.

OP posts:

Beefcurtains79 · 03/03/2021 10:37

How? 😳

Sunnyday321 · 03/03/2021 10:41

Do you feel you have any information that would be helpful to the case ?

You don't have to wait to be asked to give it.

Jellycatspyjamas · 03/03/2021 10:43

I would like to ask for information confirmation and clarification really. I would have nothing useful to share - i don't think.

They’d only talk to you if their investigation suggested you might be a witness or a victim, they wouldn’t give you information about the offences or the investigation even if they did interview you unless that was necessary eg that it might explain the relevance of information they thought you might have.

They may have evidence that other family members were witnesses, or victims and need to interview them on that basis but I wouldn’t expect the police to talk to all family members unless they were relevant to their investigation.

sporky · 03/03/2021 10:44

The only ones that can really tell you why you haven't been spoken to or interviewed is the investigating officers themselves. No one can second guess the investigation.

CSODS won't tell you any more than you already know.

for you.

Thehop · 03/03/2021 10:47

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I can’t imagine how shit it must be. I couldn’t stand the apologisers either. Morons.

Original poster

ColouredOwly · 03/03/2021 10:49

How indeed!

They won't disown him and for their sanity they have had to find excuses for him. These excuses have slowly turned into 'reasons'. Once their is a 'reason' for something you can get a bit creative over 'fault'. That's what i think's happened.

I feel very sorry for them but i can't listen to the bullshit without getting very angry. And we're coming out of lockdown soon Super.

OP posts:

Original poster

ColouredOwly · 03/03/2021 10:57

Sunnyday321 Thank you. I'm pretty sure i don't have anything useful to tell anyone. We only saw him 2/3 times a year.

Jellycatspyjamas Thank you. I understand now. I just couldn't understand why they'd only approached half of us.

sporky Thank you.

Thehop Thank you. I know! And i'm stuck with them forever! Well, the rest of their lives anyway.

OP posts:

mbosnz · 03/03/2021 11:03

It's great that you're so understanding and supportive of DH's situation and feelings. But I think it's also very important that he acknowledges and accepts your situation and feelings, also. Personally, I'd be telling him, that I'm going to be reaching out to the family members you think feel similar to you. You and those that feel like you, shouldn't be isolated or muted, your reaction is a valid one.

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