To discuss more maintenance..

[Del29]

Hi all! I have a DS with an ex. We split when I was pregnant. He was on a low income but living with parents at the time so we arranged £30 a week. He was okay paying it for a while but it would be a hit and miss when he had new girlfriends etc or when he’d spend it all on booze so I went through the old csa who calculated around £40 a week so it was took out his wages. Since then the csa went over to the new system and my ex was keen to sort our own arrangement to avoid the fees. I thought I would give him the benefit of the doubt now he’s matured a little it seems and he carried on paying £40 a week. Saying that rather than paying me £160 4 weekly, it’s actually £160 a month on a specific date the same date each month so it’s actually less than £40 a week but I’m not going to get that nit picky. But paying it the same date every month means he misses 4 weeks of payments every year!

Anyway...

DS is 10 so a long time has gone by now. It’s obvious my ex is earning considerably more. Nice house, nice car, holidays. His 2 younger kids seem to have everything (lives with them with their mum). He’s even bleddy boasted about a pay rise 🤣 (he is a very show off type of guy!) yet he never mentioned upping payments - I just left it. We get by and don’t really need the money! But handy for DS for any extra clothes, uniform etc etc.

He lives locally and I was recently looking through job sites. A job very similar to what he does in the same place (if not the same job - few people work alongside each other doing similar roles which I’m aware of as have friends who work there). It’s quite a comfortable wage.

I’ve added it to the cms calculator and it’s saying he should be paying quite a bit more - even with the 2 younger kids he has! I’m sure on exact figures he earns but an estimate saying around £60-70 a week.

Aibu to discuss? I’m not the type to demand money at all but it wound be handy. as DS is getting older everything is getting more expensive. I’m a stay at home mum and dp has provided for both DS and younger Dc we have together and it seems unfair!

Wwyd? Leave it? Bring it up? Contact the cms?

Dp is saying to leave as we don’t need it. But we aren’t rich.

To add he doesn’t see much of him either. Maybe a few hours at the weekend and maybe overnight every few months!

CMS and ask why his income wasn't monitored and how much will the back pay be as well as how much moving forward.

@fairydustandpixies

CMS and ask why his income wasn't monitored and how much will the back pay be as well as how much moving forward.

It was because we made our own arrangement completely away from the cms after our csa case finished. This this a fair few years ago now!

Am I right in thinking I can use the cms to determine how much he should be paying without actually making a claim or case with them?

I would absolutely raise it with him. It's for your son's benefit and he deserves it.

It doesn’t matter that you don’t need it. He, his wife and two younger children are benefitting from his increased salary, why shouldn’t your son?

Tell him it’s time to review it, ask what he’s earning now. Don’t peg it to DS being older, that’s irrelevant, or that you don’t need it. And I wouldn’t mention his house or cat etc. Say you haven’t reviewed what he contributes to your son for years and you’re doing so now. You could ask what he’s earning or just say you’ll go through the CMS and let him know what the revised figure is and he can pay that through a private agreement, or you’ll go straight through them.

He’s taking the piss. Bragging about his pay rise and not offering increased maintenance is so rude.

Thank you. I feel like it’s partly my own fault for making our totally own arrangement and abandoning cms to avoid the fees (well I would have been happy to use them). Lucky for my ex he got the new job after our old case changed He’s such a show off about money. I don’t think he’s loaded or anything just in a better position then he used to be!

With secondary school on the horizon everything is getting much expensive for DS!

I had this, was paying 170 a month when it should have been 283!! No morals at all!!

@AnneLovesGilbert

It doesn’t matter that you don’t need it. He, his wife and two younger children are benefitting from his increased salary, why shouldn’t your son?

Tell him it’s time to review it, ask what he’s earning now. Don’t peg it to DS being older, that’s irrelevant, or that you don’t need it. And I wouldn’t mention his house or cat etc. Say you haven’t reviewed what he contributes to your son for years and you’re doing so now. You could ask what he’s earning or just say you’ll go through the CMS and let him know what the revised figure is and he can pay that through a private agreement, or you’ll go straight through them.

He’s taking the piss. Bragging about his pay rise and not offering increased maintenance is so rude.

Absolutely! A year or two ago he bragged about a promotion and a pay rise. He even said he could start paying more and never did. If he seen DS a lot I wouldn’t care so much but he isn’t a very consistent father in his life either! Probably shouldn’t have sorted this earlier! But I’m a wimp when it comes to things like this and turn a blind eye!

Ask him, say its probably best to work it out each year.

And if he kicks up a fuss go the official route.

Ask him, if he says no then at least you know. And can then go via cms ( and if he agreed £40 per week thats £173 pm he should be laying so I would be getting that sorted now

But I’m a wimp when it comes to things like this and turn a blind eye!

Think of it as doing the right thing for your DS rather than something for you. Might give your more strength. I understand not wanting to confront this kind of thing, but your DS should get what he is entitled to from his father.

@LaceyBetty

But I’m a wimp when it comes to things like this and turn a blind eye!

Think of it as doing the right thing for your DS rather than something for you. Might give your more strength. I understand not wanting to confront this kind of thing, but your DS should get what he is entitled to from his father.

Totally! My ex isn’t the easiest person in the world though!

Cms or you will always have to appear grateful when he does pay... And he isn't to be trusted - - happily seeing 1 dc with 30 quid a week...

I get it, but it's a decent bit of money that can be saved for your son if you don't need it now.

I'd at least ask. You can ask civilly, just a "I'd like to revisit the maintenance payments now some time has passed". And see where it goes from there.

Thank you. I always feel like an idiot for bringing it up. I know some parents don’t get any maintenance at all for their little ones! I never had a penny from my father after my mum and Him split when my mother was pregnant with me!

OP, love, he’s already mentioned it so you have an easy opener. Do it by email if that’s easiest.

These things are only amicable if they’re amicable when both people are acting fairly. If it’s only okay because you don’t feel you can ask for what he owes his son then it’s okay is it? He’s got you feeling unreasonable for asking for what’s fair and you haven’t even done it yet.

What’s the worst than can happen? He huffs and says he won’t increase it? Then you go via CMS and don’t have to discuss it with him further.

He threatens to see his son even less? Well, he’s already useless and seriously disengaged and it’s not much of a loss.

He says something horrible or calls you grabby or unreasonable? Well who gives a shit, you know he’s a pathetic father and a rubbish ex. What do you care what he thinks.

Best case?

He says oh yes, sorry, I’d forgotten, I’m on £xx now and I’ll up there payments by £yy.

You’re paying for the bulk of your son’s costs. Take every penny of the little his dad is obliged to contribute.

@AnneLovesGilbert you are so right. I don’t think it’s the case of forgetting I don’t think. I have no idea if it’s him or her or a mix of both. It could be her trying to control what he pays DS, I really don’t know to be honest.

To cut it short contact cms. It costs £20 to set it up. You can go for the direct pay option. Basically they calculate the figures every year. He pays you that figure evert month. If he misses a payment you contact them and that's when they will charge. He won't miss a payment because if he does and you switch it they charge him 20% to handle it and charge you 4%. So if he had to pay 200 a month it would cost him 240 in total with you receiving 192. With direct pay they do the calculations but neither of you are charged as he sends money straight to you. Benefit is you know the amount is fairly calculated and if it's ever missed they will be able to chase him for it.

Well she’s not your son’s parent. Whatever her views it’s on him that he’s underpaying while bragging. So I’d leave her out of it and just contact him. If his salary has increased he owes your child a higher percentage in maintenance. He knows you’ve gone through the CMS in the past and can do so again if he doesn’t increase it by himself.

@FortniteBoysMum great thank you! Just the info I needed!

@AnneLovesGilbert absolutely. There’s all sorts of issues with her which I’ve tried to avoid in this post. That’s a whole another story to tell 🤣

You’re paying for the bulk of your son’s costs. Take every penny of the little his dad is obliged to contribute

Not sure how as the OP says she doesn’t work.

Whilst I agree he should pay the right amount, I’d personally feel cheeky asking for more if I wasn’t paying myself.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

You’re paying for the bulk of your son’s costs. Take every penny of the little his dad is obliged to contribute

Not sure how as the OP says she doesn’t work.

Whilst I agree he should pay the right amount, I’d personally feel cheeky asking for more if I wasn’t paying myself.

Well kind of this! With secondary school on the horizon everything is getting much expensive for DS! Are you personally doing anything regarding this?

Okay, OP’s household is paying for the bulk of her son’s costs, why shouldn’t his father pay what he owes?

Her DP isn’t his father and he’s already picking up the bill for most of it. He’s happy to but that’s not the point.

Are you personally doing anything regarding this?

What on earth does this have to do with what the boy's father should be paying? OP already said they are fine for money. It is money for the DS to have the money for maintenance he is entitled (as far as the law is concerned) based on his father's income.