To feel guilty about this?

[Blobbydobbydobb]

I don't do Mum guilt generally. I've always worked since having DC, always FT because I worked so far from home that I'd have to finish at 1 to be back for school pick up, and so on. I never struggled with returning to work, or felt sad for DC being in childcare 8-6 or sometimes 7-7 each day, it was what it was and I just got on with it. Don't get me wrong, I did feel a bit sad about missing some school events, I never had the luxury to WFH or flexibly pretty much until the last year or so, so anything school related I had to take a day's annual leave.

But there's one thing I still feel hugely guilty about, is the fact my DC didn't get into grammar school. I did very well academically, I have an Oxbridge degree (despite apparently not looking the type ) and professional qualifications. DC was never tutored because I believed the school that 'tutoring wasn't necessary'. DC failed by 1 mark. Plenty of kids with lower scores made successful appeals with the school's backing. However the head at my DC's school hated me and refused to endorse an appeal, stating they never supported any which simply wasn't true. For example, in the year below DC, a child who failed by about 10 points but whose parent was a school governor/ active PTA member was supported.

This was all over a decade ago and I try not to dwell but every so often I'm reminded, like today a colleague was saying their niece had failed by a similarly narrow margin, but that colleague as a professional has every confidence that the detailed appeal they are drafting will be successful etc etc.

And it made me feel guilty all over again. Guilty for not making sure DC was tutored (every other kid in their class who got in was), guilty for not doing a better job of the appeal - if my colleague thinks an appeal is a slam dunk for her then it should have been for me. I'm also angry about it too, my DC ended up with a really substandard education because of that single mark - we're in an area where almost no one outside of the grammars goes to uni, such is the level of education and aspiration at non selectives.

I know I need to let it go, and generally I have, but I can't help that nagging feeling of guilt and that I should have done better...AIBU?

I don’t understand how you said “I don't do Mum guilt generally. I've always worked since having DC, always FT because I worked so far from home that I'd have to finish at 1 to be back for school pick up, and so on.” which sounds like a two-hour commute each way.

But you then go on to say “I did consider moving, I applied for a number of jobs in an area with good schools but was unsuccessful. Commuting to those areas was not possible. So we ended up stuck where we are.”

Do these two statements add up? You lived two hours away from the job you did, but there was nowhere else you could live within two hours of that place of work that had better schools?

I had a 2 hour commute during primary school years. By secondary I was working in a different location, with a slightly shorter commute. There were areas further afield with good schools but all were vastly outside my budget. Or would have been too far to travel to.

The school was poor in terms of league tables, all the non grammars are here. I went to a similarly poor quality school myself and basically taught myself several of my subjects because the teaching wasn't up to scratch. I wanted my DC to have a better experience - to get the opportunity to study Mandarin or Latin; the school DC went to only offered 1 foreign language, which less than 20 children opted to do for GCSE.

Did you offer them the opportunity to be tutored or take extra curricular classes in those subjects?

The idea that smart children do well anywhere isn't true and is also besides the point. Our children aren't statistical experiments, obviously we'd want them to do better than the odds, not worse.

OP: the truth is that it doesn't sound to me like you did the best you could for your son's education and you know that. I wouldn't bother feeling guilty though, it's time to just do better.

Full disclosure: there is definitely a mostly class based divide on mumsnet about children's potential. A lot of working class parents feel like the chips fall as they may. If a child fails, they fail. Obviously a lot of middle class parents think different. They drag their kids kicking and screaming over the line. I am firmly the latter so I admit my bias upfront.

The dirty little secret is that lots of middle class children also fail to bloom by 18 and they require a lot of adult support to get them to a good life and career. Are you willing to do that?

Can you get him some internships? I would be calling every connection, every uni friend, every colleague to get him some opportunities. Can you help him do the research, help him write the applications, send him ideas. Are you willing to fund him through some post covid travel to build his confidence?

Don't fall into the trap of treating him like an adult/charging him keep and all that. try to open his mind to what's possible. But now is the time for helicopter parenting.

I think you’re being really harsh on yourself here tbh, yes grammar schools on average provide a much better education than state schools, especially poor performing state schools. However, I went to a very poor secondary school, which was in special measures by the time I left, I also had an endless stream of supply teachers and at one point did lose motivation. However, I’ve been to uni, got onto a very competitive graduate scheme and have a masters degree, many of my colleagues went to grammar schools and some even private school, and they’re no higher up the career ladder than I am.

You have to really blame your DC for the circumstances they are in now. If they would have applied themselves better they could have gone to uni and had a successful career as well, yes it would have been easier to succeed if they got into the grammar school, but there’s no excuse for such a poor performance at their GCSEs if they were smart enough to miss getting into a selective school by only one mark.

Does your DC know that you, effectively, think they are a failure and that you fucked up their life? Honestly it may be true I suppose but happy and employed are not small things for a 22 year old to be. And 22 is nothing is it?! I hope you don't keep harping on about what a shame it is/how you fucked up. I mean this in the most helpful way possible but you need to frame yourself and get over it. Your DC is ok and has a full life ahead. Maybe not the life YOU had planned for them but if they could have done well at grammar school they can do well in life b in the way THEY see as relevant.

My parents had a similar problem with the appeals process with my brother. He ended up at the school I went to which was dependent on the mainly middle class parents paying for extra tuition to get the children over the line as it was a fairly poor school. He also had a severe learning difficulty. He has done fantastically, gave up his twenty’s to work his arse off and it has paid off big time. However my parents are very supportive, happy to pay for what needs paying for, but also imbedded into us that our success is our responsibility. I spent my twenty’s having loads of fun and only now am I making a success of my life. It really is different personality’s-he will be fine, your obviously supporting him, just don’t let him use the shit school excuse-at a point no one cares and it’s just how well you do your actual job which helps you get on.