To not want a weekend away that includes my DM's partner?

[Wiggleinherwalk]

I've not seen my DM (74) since Feb '20 - we live different ends of the UK (5hr drive) and due to both her and her DP having medical conditions, and him needing a big operation at the end of last year, they've been doing maximum shielding. They both have their own houses but she's basically moved in with him, which I guess is nice as otherwise it would have been pretty miserable and lonely...

They've now both had their first injections and my DM has suggested meeting up when lockdown lifts in May/June - I'm due with my first baby in mid-July so it would be to see her when I have my bump, and before we're in the chaos of baby's arrival.

When she first suggested meeting she said she'd love to treat me to a weekend away somewhere mid-way between us, could stay somewhere nice, just a very chilled catch up. Thought it was a lovely idea and was delighted. However, she then said that the invite was for me & DH and would be her and her partner...

There is quite a bit of back story with her DP but briefly I don't like him, I don't trust him, and by choice I wouldn't spend any time at all with him. When they first got to know each other it was as friends (Mum had just lost my DDad, he'd lost his DW), but although he was seeing someone else he kept trying it on with my mum anyway, told her some horrific things he'd done with other women (incl an event he told her about that I'd say is rape). He's made some inappropriate comments to me (he's mid-70s, I'm early-30s), he's walked in on me in the bathroom. Last time I stayed with her it was without my DH and I put my suitcase and a chair behind my bedroom door as he was staying in her house and I didn't feel safe that he wouldn't 'accidentally' open the door while I was changing etc.

As well as thinking he's morally disgusting he's also just horrible to be around - he doesn't listen or join in conversations, you'll be chatting in a group while he's on his phone and he'll just cut across with something completely unrelated and derail the conversation. If he's bored he makes random noises/humming/whistling. He's also still recovering from his op, so can't really walk far or do much, so it would completely change the dynamic and it would be Mum looking after him/making sure he's OK, and make catching up almost impossible.

There's also an awful dynamic between him and my DH, as (rightly) my DH thinks he's disgusting, gets super irritated being in a room with him, and that my DM is basically an idiot for being with him. So it's super stressful trying to be in the middle of that as well!

Mum knows I don't like him. But when she found the suitcase blocking the door her response was 'I'm sorry you feel like that', when I asked if he could just go to his own house occasionally (like be there for breakfast, then come back for dinner) so we could actually talk she thinks I'm being mean and the implication was "you don't have to come then". She's put me in awkward situations where she invites him to things (like my birthday dinner [4 of us, so not a big group to hide in]), and then when I've said I don't want him there that I'm then cruel and guilt trips me. Want to suggest a weekend just the two of us, but from previous things I don't think she'll go for it...

But on the other hand, she's 74, I've not seen her in over a year, and she seems to want him there... And with the pandemic you become aware that you can just lose people in the blink of an eye, so if I say 'no, I'm not going if he's there' and then something happens I'll regret a missed opportunity to have seen her?

YABU - Suck it up - it's only a weekend, be civil and you can just try and pick out some good bits despite him being there
YANBU - Say you can't face a weekend with him and suggest either a weekend just the two of you or politely decline the invite

For this time, you can make it more specific - "I wanted to be able to ask you things about the birth and recovering from it and breast feeding and all that, and I wouldn't feel comfortable doing that in front of DH and DP."
Though of course, the next issue will be when she comes to visit the baby; you can't put off ever seeing him without being quite blunt about it. Perhaps it will be a bit easier once you have actually had some one-to-one time with your mum after this long gap.

You sound like a saint continuing to be pleasant to him and he sounds truly vile.

I have the same situation with MIL’s total cock of a DP so I am sort of in your husband’s role. He’s an absolute perve, makes comments like (when standing behind my chair and looking directly down my top) “There’s a fine view from up here! I say, there’s a fine view from up here!” Loads of walking into the bathroom accidentally, too much touching, racist references polished off with phrases like “well that’s what they’re like HAHA!,” and an endless need to be heard whatever the conversation. I no longer visit and am considering total NC with all of them. My kids are not allowed to visit or stay there alone. Lockdown has been a godsend on one hand as we haven’t had to create
endless excuses not to see him.

However MIL won’t accept a word said against him (“He’s actually very kind when you get to know him.”) and DH is completely caught in the middle as he can’t stand the Cock either but wants to see his mother. DH has tried to see her alone to see if they can continue their relationship and only manages very rarely as she insists on him being there every time. He’s been honest in his dislike of the DP, honest about wanting a relationship with her, but she still would rather have the Cock in attendance than see her son and grandchildren. Her view is that the Cock is her chosen partner and everyone should just accept him without question.

I think the diplomatic suggestions about wanting proper mother daughter time are great, but it sounds like there’s a bigger issue you might want to resolve before you have your baby which is whether your mum will choose her DP over you. If she does, you need to be ready to make some tough choices about how frequently you see her.

Assuming that your DM is excited about your child, you hold all the cards here. I would refuse to have him in your house and not stay at your DM’s if he is there. Be very firm. If he tries to stay whilst you are there, leave and go to a hotel. Tell her that he will not be allowed into your house and stick to it.

Your poor brother. Not only did he have to go through all that with his ex, he didn't have the chance to talk about it because of this complete idiot.

I hope he's OK now.

If a mother insists on not making time for her children and puts cock before them, then she cannot whine about there being less or no contact. She is not some fecking love-struck teenager. And you are not safe around that rapist. Your feelings and later on the well-being of your baby trumps your mother's feeble and quite frankly rather appalling attitude. It's one thing if she has standards so low that not even a slug can limbo underneath them but it doesn't mean that the rest of you have to tolerate this. I'd give her the chance by asking for a mother-daughter get-away but if she is tone-deaf about it and insists on having him there. I'd pull back and make it very clear that he isn't welcome to visit when the baby is there.

I have a general issue with partners anyway. Yes sometimes they are there. But I've got friends i never see without their DH (because they are for some reason attached at the hip) and it really pisses me off. This has nothing to do with me liking them or not. But there are times I want to chat with my friends or indeed my mum just on a one to one level. I don't think that's an unreasonable request? I don't dislike my mums partner at all. But I'd be annoyed if I couldn't see her without him.

As for his behaviour, he sounds vile and I'm not someone that manages well with such things. I would make some excuse and say I wasnt feeling up to a weekend or a big deal. And you'd quite like it if just you and her could quietly catch up with no fuss. As someone said above, you'll not get that chance once the baby is born!

It's a bit sad but I don't think we'll be willing/able to do unsupervised access anyway - she's far too far away to be able to drop her DGC off for her to help with any kind of childcare, and being 74 I don't think she'd be able to cope with looking after a toddler when they get a bit older.. Would be more weekend visits where we'd be going specifically to see her, or her coming to stay with us for a bit.

Do think the idea of a hotel stay when we go would be a relief so we could have somewhere to retreat to, and then we could take her out for the day or out for lunch and 'oops, with me, DH, DM, car-seat what a shame there's not room in the car!'

She's weird actually in that she's got a really big lounge but has got rid of most of her furniture so she's got a 2 person reclining sofa in the living room, and then has an armchair, so in the evening me or DH end up sitting on a kitchen chair. She also got rid of her King bed as it was too big for her bedroom but hasn't replaced it, so there's only a bed in the guest room.

She's gone down the 'well, there's usually only me here' route, but when you go her and her DP take the comfy sofa and then you're just a bit stuck. Joked that we'd have to end up bringing camping chairs but she didn't really take the hint!

@NicelySpicy Oh God I'm so sorry you've also been through something similar, and that it's affected the relationship between you and your MiL and for your children to not have a close relationship with their grandparent. And probably caused some pretty tough times between you and your DH too I'd imagine!

Can completely empathise with dealing with the uncomfortable comments but I just feel conditioned to not make a scene. Need to take a leaf out of @LouiseTrees book and just tell him to 'F-off you disgusting old perve'!

(pre-COVID) he was standing on my Mum's drive while I was getting my suitcases out of the car and he kept going on about 'the neighbours thinking he'd moved in his new younger woman HAHAHAAA'... And not once but just the 'nudge nudge, wink wink' saying it repeatedly. Eugh...

Whilst we can all understand your mother being lonely, her dp does sound beyond the pale! Just because your mum has lowered her standards to the sewer doesn't mean that you have to too. Like you said, you could put up with a sweet boring old man but not a likely rapist.

I feel you should be more assertive with your mum. Tell her that whilst she might like her partner to come on this weekend, you really do not want him to - I mean you have about 20 reasons to give her - and push that you would like to spend the time relaxing just the two of you women, chatting and catching up, mother and daughter.

If she does say no, then you know where you stand. Hopefully if she sees that you aren't going to capitulate, she will think again.

If she does come, it might also give you an opportunity to check she is ok .

@HollowTalk It is really sad, and I'm sure it's affected his relationship with DM. He stays with her when he comes to the UK and she's always saying how bad the jet-lag must be because he'll just go to bed at 9pm, or how strange it's the weekend and he didn't get up until 10.30 and then was straight out the door. Doesn't even slightly put it down to the fact that it's stressful being downstairs or that he's spent the time from dinner sitting on a hard kitchen chair!?

Thankfully he's met a wonderful woman where he's living and they're engaged and have a house together so he's just building his new life out there. He's still fighting for access rights but he seems a lot happier than when he was with evil ExDW.

@Chamomileteaplease I was pretty shocked when she took the "I'm sorry you feel that way" stance when she stumbled over my suitcase barricade - obviously am not a mum yet, but I just can't imagine if I had a daughter who told me she didn't feel safe in my house that I'd just sigh and say 'oh well, that's sad' and not be horrified?!

I am going to stand my ground on this one - DH has said he's more than happy to sit out so I can put it down as a girls weekend, and think being very pregnant by then and wanting to keep it low key is completely reasonable (especially as we're so close to coming out of lockdown). If she's worried about driving I can find somewhere closer to her and collect her/drop her off, if she doesn't want her 'treat' to just be us and exclude him then I can pay for it.

Feel a sense of instant relief that I don't have to try and brave-face my way through another awkward embarrassing, stressful time with someone I just don't want to encourage into my life in any way!

And then hopefully I can get a couple of glasses of wine down her and be able to suss out whether she's actually happy or if there's more going on..

I think that’s a really good idea OP and you are setting the boundaries now and can build on them later.

It’s hard to know what’s behind anyone’s actions but her reaction to you barricading the door is so strange, as she makes it all about your actions and not the cause of them. Maybe she and my MIL are from a generation where that behaviour is ok, but we’re not.

Sounds like your DH has your back though which is really good

OMG I so felt your pain with the driveway scenario not envy!

One more thing - re you feeling conditioned not to respond and be polite - don’t forget who did the conditioning and who is relying on you to be the lovely polite daughter you are, always doing the right thing when expected to. My MIL knew it would take a lot for her son to voice his views and she/DP kept pushing him until he did. They were then outraged and shocked that he wasn’t toeing the line so please brace yourself.

Ugh this bloke is a vile mysoginist. Not all men born before 1950 are quite this awful, but the leering really takes me back to the bad old days when people actually found this sort of behaviour acceptable 🤢. And that's not even the worst of it. It isn't OK It was clear in 1980 it was wrong. It's even wronger now. Where has your poor mother been all this time to find this in any way bearable? 😭

God he sounds awful. Really hope you get the weekend away with your mum. You could also say it would be nice for you to have a break from your DH as you've spent so much time together in lockdown.