To not want a weekend away that includes my DM's partner?

[Wiggleinherwalk]

I've not seen my DM (74) since Feb '20 - we live different ends of the UK (5hr drive) and due to both her and her DP having medical conditions, and him needing a big operation at the end of last year, they've been doing maximum shielding. They both have their own houses but she's basically moved in with him, which I guess is nice as otherwise it would have been pretty miserable and lonely...

They've now both had their first injections and my DM has suggested meeting up when lockdown lifts in May/June - I'm due with my first baby in mid-July so it would be to see her when I have my bump, and before we're in the chaos of baby's arrival.

When she first suggested meeting she said she'd love to treat me to a weekend away somewhere mid-way between us, could stay somewhere nice, just a very chilled catch up. Thought it was a lovely idea and was delighted. However, she then said that the invite was for me & DH and would be her and her partner...

There is quite a bit of back story with her DP but briefly I don't like him, I don't trust him, and by choice I wouldn't spend any time at all with him. When they first got to know each other it was as friends (Mum had just lost my DDad, he'd lost his DW), but although he was seeing someone else he kept trying it on with my mum anyway, told her some horrific things he'd done with other women (incl an event he told her about that I'd say is rape). He's made some inappropriate comments to me (he's mid-70s, I'm early-30s), he's walked in on me in the bathroom. Last time I stayed with her it was without my DH and I put my suitcase and a chair behind my bedroom door as he was staying in her house and I didn't feel safe that he wouldn't 'accidentally' open the door while I was changing etc.

As well as thinking he's morally disgusting he's also just horrible to be around - he doesn't listen or join in conversations, you'll be chatting in a group while he's on his phone and he'll just cut across with something completely unrelated and derail the conversation. If he's bored he makes random noises/humming/whistling. He's also still recovering from his op, so can't really walk far or do much, so it would completely change the dynamic and it would be Mum looking after him/making sure he's OK, and make catching up almost impossible.

There's also an awful dynamic between him and my DH, as (rightly) my DH thinks he's disgusting, gets super irritated being in a room with him, and that my DM is basically an idiot for being with him. So it's super stressful trying to be in the middle of that as well!

Mum knows I don't like him. But when she found the suitcase blocking the door her response was 'I'm sorry you feel like that', when I asked if he could just go to his own house occasionally (like be there for breakfast, then come back for dinner) so we could actually talk she thinks I'm being mean and the implication was "you don't have to come then". She's put me in awkward situations where she invites him to things (like my birthday dinner [4 of us, so not a big group to hide in]), and then when I've said I don't want him there that I'm then cruel and guilt trips me. Want to suggest a weekend just the two of us, but from previous things I don't think she'll go for it...

But on the other hand, she's 74, I've not seen her in over a year, and she seems to want him there... And with the pandemic you become aware that you can just lose people in the blink of an eye, so if I say 'no, I'm not going if he's there' and then something happens I'll regret a missed opportunity to have seen her?

YABU - Suck it up - it's only a weekend, be civil and you can just try and pick out some good bits despite him being there
YANBU - Say you can't face a weekend with him and suggest either a weekend just the two of you or politely decline the invite

I often visit my DD and her family without DP. If your DMs partner is so bored then he should just stay away. He sounds awful but your DM will be feeling split between you both.

Why not go away just the two of you and have some Mum and daughter time before the baby arrives instead and perhaps have a chat about visits afterwards?

You could be describing my mum's ex from a few years ago, right down to raping his ex-wife. I was dealing with fallout from that toxic relationship while pregnant too. Any time I saw him the stress of it for days before and after (on top of the hormones) nearly broke me. Don't do that to yourself.

Agree with PP, frame it as "I just want a girly weekend with you before the baby arrives". Watch out for her bringing him along anyway, it sounds like she's really forcing him on you.

Thank you so much for all your replies - just feel really sad about it as from 'Oh how lovely' it's gone to that horrible feeling of anxiety at the thought of how unpleasant and stressful if will/could be..

@roarfeckingroarr - You're absolutely right about the personal comments - he makes really awkward personal references thinking he's funny so can only imagine what he'd say when I'm 8m with a big bump - especially if it is a pool type place where I just wouldn't want to be in my swimming costume anywhere near him! e.g. for my birthday he sung me happy birthday ending 'I saw a fat lady, and I thought it was you!! HAHAHAA!!" Errr, right, thanks...

Hadn't really thought about her wanting to bring him when she wants to come and visit Grandbaby but that would also be awful - like breastfeeding would be impossible, or just feeling vulnerable and having him lurking around...

@RunningFromInsanity Thank you both for your alternative opinion, it's really tricky... Just to clarify, I'm incredibly civil to him in person so it's not that I'm 'super blatant' in the room - I've given him a hug when I arrive, ask how he is, what he's been up to, I'll include him if I'm making tea/dinner - I'm not mean or nasty to him in anyway!

But perhaps as an example, my brother lives abroad, visits once a year, went through an awful break-up where his wife left him and took his daughter and all his money, is now denying visiting access. We were so worried that he might even take his own life it was that bad, and he's not one to talk about things so we've not really got much from him about how he's been feeling.

Last time he visited, he started opening up about it, how we'd support him through taking it to court etc. This is almost exactly how the convo went:

DB: This thing happened, it's really awful, I've been really struggling..
Mum's DP: LA LA LAAAA, COUGH COUGH, LA LA LAAAA
DB: I've not really known what to do...
Mum's DP: Apparently it's due to snow in Israel this weekend
DB: I'm been given this letter from my solicitor..
Mum's DP: This woman got attacked on a footpath at 1am - serves her right HAHAHA
Everyone: Oh for goodness sake!?! Please just stop?!
Mum's DP: Puts on motor racing in the room at top volume...
Everyone: Silence...

I'm not telling her to leave him, or that he's not welcome at all while I'm there, he lives 2mins walk up the road so I thought it might be a good compromise if he found us chatting about family stuff so boring to ... just go home for a bit?!

@RunningFromInsanity

It’s not up to you to decide who your mum dates, or to ask her to ask him to leave her house when you visit.

You say she puts you in awkward situations by inviting him but have you though how awkward it must be for her, with you making it so blatant that you don’t like her life partner?

How would you feel if she constantly excluded your DH, or asked him to leave the house when she visits?

There's a difference between "I don't really like him...." or "He has a few annoying habits," and "I genuinely don't feel safe around him and have to block his access to my bedroom to feel secure enough to go to sleep," and "I think he's a rapist," ffs.

If my mum was too scared to be left alone with my DH, I'd be reconsidering my choice of life partner and whether I should be asking him to leave permanently, not just the house when she visits.

Talk about women being conditioned to be polite and prioritise not hurting someone's feelings over their own safety....

And your mum didn't have a problem with that??

@Dragonfly3 So sorry to hear you lost your mum

Lots of this I would put up but see less of her. The inappropriate comments etc are what put me firmly into YANBU. No one has to put up with that.

I definitely would suggest it's just the two of you as you'd like to spend time together before baby comes....and hope she gets the hint!

@thevassal So the rapist thing - [Look away if this is triggering]

apparently with his ex-partner (who he was seeing at the same time as he was trying it on with my mum) she woke up to him having sex with her, she freaked out and tried to get him to stop, he just carried on until he was finished. They broke up shortly afterwards. He for some reason told my Mum about it, who told me, and her response was that 'if you're in bed with someone, and have said yes before, then...' and didn't see it as being that big a deal...

I on the other hand am of the 'no means no' mentality, whatever the relationship and whatever you've agreed to do with someone before, or even mid-way through the act.. He's ex-army and there's another story about something that happened when he was serving abroad that sounded pretty dodgy/underage/non-consensual...

He's in his 70s but he's not a 'cute little old man'!! Annoying or boring I can smile sweetly through - I can laugh at the same joke 100 times if it's with a good heart!

But from that story I've labelled him 'rapist', and some of the comments he's made have felt uncomfortable where he's made it clear that he sees me as an attractive younger woman.. So no, I don't feel safe being in the house sleeping alone as there aren't any locks and I'd be worried about waking up and finding him at the end of the bed...

Is something going on that you don't know about ? is he forcing your DM to let him come on the trip ? or insisting he's there all the time whilst you are staying ? can he be controlling her for some reason ? After her inheritance? For example ? Forcing distance between your DM and her DC ( you and your brother ?) he sounds like a really nasty bit of work .

@Nanny0gg No... Which I find pretty difficult to be honest... She's very much 'this happened and I feel upset about it', but when you ask her what she's going to do / change / reply she's 'too nice to cause an upset'.

Yeah from what you say he's a rapist OP, no doubt there and if that story is one he is happy to tell your mum wtf kind of things does he keep hidden? Could you do a Clare's law request for your mum, would she even listen to any disclosure about this guy?

I think you need to distance yourself from him, meeting up where he will be outside the home only, no more overnights, just hypervigilance to never find yourself cornered by him. Not to worry you but be prepared for your mum to start referring to him as your DC granddad and imploring you to "be kind" to this man.

I agree re girls weekend thing.

I'm worried for you about when your baby is born though. It's going to be so awkward, I'd not have him anywhere near my child. Your DMs response about the rape situation is appalling. To the point I don't think I'd feel comfortable leaving my child in her care. She sounds as though her perception of right and wrong are severely skewed, or that she is easily manipulated/her views are malleable by those clothes to her. All of which set off alarm bells for me. I'd get figuring out to boundaries now, this is probably a good time for it to come up, perhaps consider and prep for it in case it comes up.

@crazylikechocolate I don't think so... I think it's really sad but I think she's very lonely and spent a few years living on her own after my dad passed and then he started showing up and 'something is better than nothing'... He's also a confident driver whereas she's very nervous so it means she can get out and about more...? Some of the things she tells me I wonder if she even likes him! But there are a lot of hours in the day if you live on your own... I don't think it's about stealing her money - they both have their own houses mortgage free, he's got an ex civil service pension so he's still got a really good income.

With his operation I think she became his carer while he was recovering so they've been spending a lot more time together (she's pretty much moved in to his), and with lockdown in a way I'm grateful that she wasn't just stuck at home on her own for 12 months...

Long-term once grandbaby arrives I'm hoping she might move up to be closer to us - just hoping she doesn't bring him with her!!

I'd say girls weekend- see how it goes and try to have fun with your mum by yourselves. If it goes well, keep all future visits as 'girly days'. When you have your baby you'll likely have to spend some time with both of them, unless you demand otherwise. When you do, make sure it's somewhere you can leave (i.e. visit them, not them visiting you or meet somewhere neutral like a cafe, park or if you're spending the weekend together perhaps a hotel so you can stay seperately and only see them when you want to). Don't let them both in the house if you don't want to, if you do and your Mum's dp is making noise say it's disturbing the baby or offer him a seat in another room.

I have had similar experiences with a member of my DH's family so I know how you feel especially regarding your own vulnerability.

Best of luck with your LO!

I'm sorry to read that your DM OP is with such a nasty man and a Clare's Law request seems appropriate given what you describe.

YANBU to not want him any where near you on any weekend away.

WTF pushed y'ou are being unreasonable? DOn't see the sex pest and don't let your mother have unsupervised contact with your child when it arrives as she clearly doesn't understand what he is like.

I think it's also really weird she told you these things. Would she be really Ok with you fighting your partner off if he tried to rape you?

I would tell her you were actually hoping for a girls trip, no boys, sort of a baby moon type thing but if it’s going to be more couples based then that’s a different kettle of fish all together and not the girls break of soaking your feet and reading and girly stuff you had in mind. Don’t mention the partner issues specifically.

Just tell her your DH is swamped at work and can't make the time but you'd love to meet up just the two of, she just needs to let you know what dates she can do. And if she comes back insisting her DP joins just so oh well, never mind, I'll let you know when DH can make it to then. Then forget about it.

[quote Wiggleinherwalk]@RunningFromInsanity Thank you both for your alternative opinion, it's really tricky... Just to clarify, I'm incredibly civil to him in person so it's not that I'm 'super blatant' in the room - I've given him a hug when I arrive, ask how he is, what he's been up to, I'll include him if I'm making tea/dinner - I'm not mean or nasty to him in anyway!

But perhaps as an example, my brother lives abroad, visits once a year, went through an awful break-up where his wife left him and took his daughter and all his money, is now denying visiting access. We were so worried that he might even take his own life it was that bad, and he's not one to talk about things so we've not really got much from him about how he's been feeling.

Last time he visited, he started opening up about it, how we'd support him through taking it to court etc. This is almost exactly how the convo went:

DB: This thing happened, it's really awful, I've been really struggling..
Mum's DP: LA LA LAAAA, COUGH COUGH, LA LA LAAAA
DB: I've not really known what to do...
Mum's DP: Apparently it's due to snow in Israel this weekend
DB: I'm been given this letter from my solicitor..
Mum's DP: This woman got attacked on a footpath at 1am - serves her right HAHAHA
Everyone: Oh for goodness sake!?! Please just stop?!
Mum's DP: Puts on motor racing in the room at top volume...
Everyone: Silence...

I'm not telling her to leave him, or that he's not welcome at all while I'm there, he lives 2mins walk up the road so I thought it might be a good compromise if he found us chatting about family stuff so boring to ... just go home for a bit?![/quote]
The response should have been “ it’s not f’cking about you, would you let the man speak to his f’cking family and F OFF”

I don't think it's unreasonable of you to want a mother-daughter weekend away at all. You will be able to have a proper catch up without any distractions. If she refuses then it's not you that's being unreasonable.Especially as she knows you don't like him. I don't see how she can argue it if you say you want a girlie weekend and are leaving your DH at home too.

Op. Have you thought that maybe now is the time when the pressure s off to speak to your mother about how unsupervised access to your baby will go? If you are considering not letting him around the child and I hope you are not. Maybe she might reconsider this shit bag.