To be annoyed with DP work?

[angrylama]

DP has been WFH for a year now. In that time work constructed many plans of when he was going back we have you will all be back in the office full time from April 2020 then you will all be back in the office from September 2020 then you will all be back in the office from January 2021 and the latest is they will all be back from April 2021 however not necessarily full time.

DP has been looking after DS since I've gone back to work. It works with his work schedule and DS has always been happy to entertain himself (DP never had any zoom meetings etc so it doesn't impact him in any way, it's more a fill in a form send an email type job). Each time we've started sorting out nursery's and then we've been told oh no you're not going back yet etc.

Our biggest issue is now the only on site sometimes statement. To put it into context if we put DS in nursery full time then we will be in a difficult financial position. We can survive but it will be tight hence why we are trying to hold off for as long and possible and each month have been putting away half of what a nursery would have cost us so have built up some reserves.

Now DP work know he looks after DS however with his 'numbers' at all all time high they have said they don't care as long as he continues to produce work.

DP as well as some others in his team have asked what is happening in April now the the government announcement has been made etc. They keep saying they are not sure and will let them know soon. They keep saying at the moment it is a flexible model so you wouldn't be on site all week but they can give no indication on days, times etc. At the start I was calm about it and said to DP we are all trying to work out what's happening but this is ridiculous now! Since they said this some planning must have taken place at some point! They must know a workable option either way. It's causing major anxieties and not helping us sort our childcare (which is impossible with spaces at the min?)

AIBU to be annoyed and frustrated.

We just want to know days that's all we need. Some teams have been given a plan e.g if we were to return in April then our team will be doing 2 days a week on Monday and Thursdays some have been told that they will be in the office a maximum 3 days a week so there are plans in there just not all teams have been told.

Do you think there's some kind of conspiracy to hide plans from your husband to make his life difficult, or might it be that plans are not firmed up for his team? I know which I find more likely.

Just unclench. You’re doing all you can- very sensible to set aside half. Your childcare is not your problem, most of us have to pay for childcare that’s just life. You’ve had a good run, I hope it lasts as long as it can but you need to relax over it.

Sorry your childcare is not their problem*

@HeyDemonsItsYaGirl it has been confirmed that plans have been made may the management team however only certain teams have communicated them down

Whether or not the employer uses allows it in non covid times does not change the fact that it is really unfair on the child
Rotary agree. There has been enough testaments over the past year from parents to know that working effectivelyy AND looking after a child lovingly and productively is impossible and one or both will inevitably suffer.

I do feel for you OP that your parents are moving and you are losing 3 days of childcare but if you've saved 2 days for a year, that's about to go towards FT childcare until you can claim the 30h. Can you OH ask if he can return FT in the office?

What age is your child OP? Because honestly, this is 100% not sustainable. We've done bouts of WFH with a toddler and while you can maybe leave an 8 year old on their own while you get on with work I do not believe it is possible or healthy to regularly ignore a pre-school child for a whole day. Developmentally, you'll regret this.

I know childcare is expensive and difficult and you've been messed around by multiple different people. But I refuse to believe your employer actually does think, oh yes work from home with a 2 year old in normal non-pandemic times, that's fine, because that is not possible. When we were balancing WFH with no childcare we stretched it to a max of 90 minutes cartoons a day and the rest of the time was active play/garden/books/etc because that's what a young child needs, the bigger they get the more socialisation they need. It meant we were both working in shifts late into the night and weekends and it was rubbish and we were still lucky we could do that but there was no other solution and we have embraced full-time childcare like a gift and our child is thriving there.

Your parents seem to have unilaterally changed the plan but you need to re-assess things now. Language development, motor skills - this can't be your plan until your child starts school.

It's not their fault that you're using your husband as childcare. They are paying for his time and that needs to be dedicated to work. So you need to get on and organise a nursery. Whether he goes back or not is irrelevant really.

He's currently 15 months (nearly). DP work is flexible so he can work when he wants so he currently schedules out a few hours each day to dedicate solely on DS the rest either he is asleep, eating or playing on his bits and pieces that he has got. He's never ignored if he comes over to DP etc. As I said there are no meetings or calls or anything like that.

My parents leaving was a massive blow. They are the reason I went back to work full time as we could afford it. If I had known they were going to leave then there is no way I would've gone back full time.

DP company are very good just not so much communication wise. There are lots of people who are anxious about it not just myself and him

@angrylama

I think you need to realise that it’s your responsibility to find childcare for you child, you’re parents are allowed to live the life they choose, you have to pay for childcare like everyone else.

Employers have been tolerant for a year about people working and having their kids at home, but long term its not sustainable, and if they asked everyone to be back in the office five days a week you would need childcare. So therefore you still need childcare even if they dont know what days they want them back in the office as this would have been the situation pre Covid.

The bigger impact is your family who were going to be your childcare 3 days per week suddenly moving within a week - that's where your additional costs will now come in and that's not the employers fault either.

Its not good for your child to be minded by a parent who's trying to work, as the interaction they can give to them is minimal (I'm doing this myself with three school aged kids at the moment) and your husband probably isn't working to his full potential because he's also a full time parent whilst trying to work.

If you offset the childcare costs you've saved, then that's a fair amount of money already, there is the government scheme where they match 20% which could help, and then there will be 30 hours free nursery care once your child is 3. Unfortunately until then paying for childcare is a part of life that we parents have to deal with

@angrylama then you'll need to find a nursery place and apply for flexible working at either yours or your husbands job to reduce your hours. Or look for a part time job.

Your parents really didn't want to do the childcare did they?! It sounds like a really tough situation though and I'd be furious.

Could you both drop a day or do compressed hours to 4 days each so he's only in childcare three days? DH probably needs to put in a flexible working request as PP have said. I don't think WFH with an toddler will work in the long run - they stop napping at some point and suddenly you've lost 2 hours of your day.

@Potterythrowdown I feel like I've come across as being silly. Of course at some point we appreciate that the arrangement will no longer work and by that point we will of course put him in full time childcare but at the moment it does work and has been working and spaces seem few are far between.

We've looked into a nanny in order to cover our hours which is our back up plan for the moment and we have meetings with a couple lined up in the next few weeks.

Our biggest issue so far is finding full time spaces before September which is causing issues at the moment with availability. If we go down a nursery/childminder approach we will need to sign up to 2 places to cover our week.

I have approached my employer about flexible working however at the moment they are unlikely to approve.

It's a shame the money saved from dp not communting and the lack of childcare Bill's for the last year hadn't been squirrelled away. Then little one could have a pot waiting for childcare costs for a year.

It seems as though the people to get annoyed with are your parents (who've ruined your childcare plan by moving away) rather than DP's work. It's not his work's fault that you've ended up needing 5 days of childcare rather than 2, which is the thing causing you the financial headache.

Regardless of whether DP is working from home or not, in the future, you will need proper childcare in place. And yes, that might mean ridiculous travelling to drop your child off at a nursery near the workplace, only to come back again (many of my colleagues have been doing this for months).

It sounds like either DP and/or you need to put in proper flexible working requests so that you can put your childcare plans in place.

@burritofan

This sort of thing makes my blood boil, OP. DP and I both work from home and our child is in nursery, as she should be because you can’t work and provide childcare at the same time. We’d like to continue WFH but, even with the Covid-induced “WFH revolution” (that isn’t really happening), it’s tough to convince employers that people won’t take the piss and have their kid at home at the same time.

Childcare was a problem in lockdown one because it was all shut. It’s not shut now, so you are being VVVVVVVVVVVU. Yes, fees are a struggle. They are for most people. Just get on with it. Or choose a cheaper provider – childminder, grandparents – or change your hours. Don’t blame the employer. (And I’m rarely on the side of the capitalist boot, but come on.)

This

I'm horrified that you & your DP think that's acceptable for an "almost" 15 month old

it has been confirmed that plans have been made may the management team however only certain teams have communicated them down

Confirmed by who? Why do you think your husband's managers are keeping it secret?

Our biggest issue so far is finding full time spaces before September which is causing issues at the moment with availability. If we go down a nursery/childminder approach we will need to sign up to 2 places to cover our week.

So be it then. As soon as one can fill the full time you can swap, or you may appreciate the flexibility of using both to cover. Maybe you could take a couple of days and see if it can fit into dh work as he phases back. However nowhere will hold a place indefinitely until you decide you need them.

I think I want to work for your DPs company if everything you have said is true.
No meetings, filling out forms and sending emails, completely flexible so he is managing to spend hours each day looking after a 15month old and also getting his work done without being stressed, his employer has no problem with this....where do I sign up?