Home Learning Failure WWYD?

[HomeHellp]

DH has been WFH through all lockdowns. I am freelance and my business dried up after lockdown one.

We have two DC and two dogs. DS1 is 10 and has ASD and struggles hugely with general life. He starts secondary this year.

Throughout lockdown ALL of the homeschooling has been left to me as DH has been working. DS1 needs my one to one input all day to get any work done . His school do online lessons but I have to constantly try to get him focused on the work , make sure he is online on time etc; he hates it and EVERY lesson causes a huge drama and I get the brunt of his bad mood. He is a ball of anxiety and I worry about his MH.

I’m told almost every day by DS1 how I’m a horrible mum for making him do home learning, how I hate him , how I don’t care about him and so on. I’m also trying to help smaller DS2 with his school work as well as looking after the DDogs .

Just before half term it all came to a head and DS1 had a major meltdown resulting in him kicking me. He was very remorseful and very subdued and genuinely sad for days afterwards.

At this time I called his school and explained home learning isn’t working for us and we’re giving it up for DS1. School understood. I explained this to DH but he wasn’t happy.

DH finished work early yesterday and came in to the home office asking why DS1 wasn’t in a lesson . I reminded him he was no longer doing it; DH proclaims he thought I meant for one day not a whole week and he thinks it’s wrong and DS1 should be working. DH tried to cajole DS1 in to a lesson and caused DS1 to start screaming and shouting because this has been sprung back on him.

After months of this shit , I lost my temper with DH and told him to sort it out. The last few months have been daily torture with screaming , shouting , battles over work. DAILY MULTIPLE TIMES EACH DAY!

We gave it up the day it was announced they were going back to school on 8th March and our house has been a lot calmer . I’m proud we got this far!

Now DH has me wondering if I’m wrong and if I should have enforced this hell for another week . WWYD?

Missing one week of home learning that he was barely engaging in to have a happier home life is absolutely fine in my opinion. Your DH sounds like a dick.

No. Your not wrong, there’s little point pushing it if it results in that much upset. Ultimately what will he achieve in that state?. No wonder he kicked off yesterday.

I've pretty much given up too. I did all the cajoling first lockdown and it massively affected my mental health. Like you, I wasn't working (furloughed) so felt I HAD to do a good job and when, inevitably, I didn't, it felt bad. This time it's been more shared with DH but my 10 DD has also stopped as is just so bored with it. I don't blame her, it's tedious, and her teacher said she wasn't expecting much work from anyone this week. Give yourself a break op, well done for getting this far. Yanbu.

My DD is y10 and is suffering from severe anxiety .. she’s done virtually no home learning, she’ll catch up , might take a year or two but do what, her mental health is much more important.
Give your son a break, he’s 10 .. it really doesn’t matter

Attendance at online lessons has fallen off a cliff at my place. The minute the school return date was announced its like parents went 🤷🏽‍♀️.

Not saying this is the case for you OP. It sounds like you've had a really hard time and tried your best. I think for some parents it's been a real eye opener to how hard teaching is! Multiply your struggles by 30.

There’s no point in carrying on at the moment. Go out for a walk with DS1, discuss things that you see, involve some facts ( ie. learning) about what you find.

You may have been able to also do this week if your husband had been supportive throughout. He has not shared your load at all-practically or mentally. He is entitled to take regular breaks and finish on time and then help in whatever way the person doing the lion share needs. Hiding in a study all day working is clearly not doing nothing but it is unlikely to be as stressful and taxing as what you have been going through. I say this as someone who often hides in a study.

With things as they are-one week to go. I think a lot of families have eased back. We want a few more relaxed days and a few happy memories before they go back. As much as we are desperate for them to go back we will also miss them. So you are not being unreasonable at all.

Honestly, one week (or several) will make little difference. This narrative about children being "behind"is damaging to everyone. Enjoying learning by not forcing it is good strategy. Routine is good if you can manage, say, 10mins of reading or watch a short film then talk about it maybe? It's still learning but it isn't lessons. It'll be fine. Calm always good!

I will be showing DH this thread .

@Beebumble2 DS1 will not leave the house and I can’t leave him alone so unfortunately a walk is off limits. I of course take younger DS2 out to the park or for walks when DH finishes work.

If your DH was working, I think it was fair enough that home schooling fell to you, but I hope your DH backed you up, rather than leaving you to be the bad guy

I think a short break before going back to school sounds sensible. It's a shame you and DH misunderstood each other. You probably both feel that you've been undermined

Your DH has two choices. He can engage properly or butt out!

And I say that as the person who was mostly locked in a study all spring while DH suffered this with our ASD child. This time round we asked school if she could go in and they said yes.

What is a week in the grand scheme of things?

@notanothertakeaway I understand why homeschooling fell to me ; that’s not an issue. BUT if I’m doing it , I get to make the decisions about what is right or wrong for DS1. My issue is DH hasn’t listened and assumed I was quitting for one day and then complained when he realised I’d thrown in the towel .

I think you've done the right think. Some kids took to home learning really well. I've no idea if it's due to their temperament or skills of the parent or a combination of both.
It's not been an easy road for us, and the relief when the date was announced was palpable.
If anything our school is now trying to cram more in since then! But they've been a bit shit and think they've now realised they've caused a rod for their own back.

So bloody hard op. You've done the right thing. I agree your DH is a dick. My ds is 18. He has ASC and any attempts from me to get Ds to do schoolwork were met with complete failure to actually get him to do anything. I tried everything. Cajoling, rewards, encouragement, praise, bribes, threats, crying, screaming, slamming doors every thing. But I could spend hours and hours and hours trying. The effort he put into not doing it!! He could have won a Nobel prize. Whatever I did achieved nothing. This went on to school refusal for the majority of his last 2 years in education. I could do nothing. He left education and he's now doing an apprenticeship. He'd had enough of education. He'll sit for hours writing stuff to do with what he's now doing. I don't think we would have coped if he'd been that age in lockdown. They either do it or they don't. If they're interested they'll do it. If they're not there is little you can do. The only thing you can do is reduce the anxiety you could be causing by the constant trying but achieving bugger all. You've done what you can op. You've said it all. The house is calmer. Our house got calmer when I stopped trying. You've got to see that as a win. Luckily I'm single so I don't have another adult in the house making the situation even worse. With ASC you pick your battles. Even though education feels like the top top priority this is a battle you aren't going to win. So choose not to battle this one. It's not giving up. You have a calm house. You have won. And your ds has won. It's for the best.

[quote HomeHellp]@notanothertakeaway I understand why homeschooling fell to me ; that’s not an issue. BUT if I’m doing it , I get to make the decisions about what is right or wrong for DS1. My issue is DH hasn’t listened and assumed I was quitting for one day and then complained when he realised I’d thrown in the towel .[/quote]
Yes, OP, I agree with you. Perhaps you misunderstood my earlier post

@notanothertakeaway I hope my response didn’t come across as snarky. That’s not how I meant it.

During home schooling, has your DH ever helped during lunch perhaps?

@Dontfuckingsaycheese I agree to picking battles and sorry you’ve had it so tough too.

My parents definitely are of the opinion that if I’m more forceful DS1 would have no choice but to do it ; but that’s not really how it works with ASD. When DS1 says no, NOTHING will budge him. NOTHING.

@Iloveacurry DH only gets a very short lunch break and he uses this time to eat his lunch. We’re always done by the time he’s finished work in the evening.

Nope you've absolutely done the right thing OP.

I gave up with ds (7) as soon as the announcement happened. He hates it, I hate it, he wasn't really learning as he hated it so much, I'm busy as fuck myself with uni stuff and this is supposed to be his home not a classroom or battleground, I'm his mum not his teacher and I think the last year has been difficult enough for them without trying to force homeschooling.

YANBU OP. I am also unable to work at the moment so have taken on all the homeschooling for 2 young DCs. The difference is that DH does listen and take an interest in their learning. He'll ask them to show what they've done that day, and enthuse over the well done bits and effort, as well as discussing progress/difficulties with me once they're in bed. Crucially, he may give his thoughts but he is happy with whatever decisions I make regarding the learning as it is me that has to implement it.

FWIW I think you are fine to stop with DS1 now as it's causing such problems. I have scaled back DD1's work this week as she's hit a wall. A week won't hurt, and even less so if engagement was already poor. DD2 however, had a low a few weeks ago but is back riding the wave now so she's doing everything set - you need to pitch it to each child's needs.

@HercwasanEnemyofEducation apologises for interjecting here but I don't think parents homeschooling their children is really comparable to the struggles of teachers and multiplying anything by 30 makes no sense.

Teachers are paid to do a job they have been trained for, and at 3pm they get to wave cheery bye to the kids. That isn't to say it's easy teaching, I know it's far from it, but this is the job you chose to do and you get long breaks from it.

Parents homeschooling children are not paid, not trained and not equipped to deal with the challenges it faces. Come 3pm they still have to try and be around each other despite the struggles of the day. There is no break from homeschooling as it's always a looming cloud - theres always something due and parents are always aware of trying to find the time during an otherwise busy day to fit in school work.

Also @HomeHellp I think you've done the right thing in stopping.

No school work is worth the stress you're all being put under and if DH is that concerned about it he take over & deal with the challenges himself! But seeing as he is working & doesn't have the time, he doesn't get to make decisions about it.

You have my heart felt sympathy as I've been on the receiving end of that kind of battle. I home Ed all the time, and it took a good few months to figure out the ebb and flow required to make our lessons productive. The thought of trying to get my ds who has an ASD to do set work when the school demands gives me cold sweats. You totally made the right decision. The toll it takes on your own well being when you are in the firing line of regular meltdowns is serious and very unpleasant. A few more days and he will have the routine of school back. Stick to your guns!

@StormcloakNord I get it, I've been homeschooling and teaching myself. Yes we're trained to teach but the other issues are x30! I don't want this thread to become teachers vs parents, far from it. We all need to work together towards a common goal. But perhaps it has been eye opening to some exactly how their children can be.