Home Learning Failure WWYD?

[HomeHellp]

DH has been WFH through all lockdowns. I am freelance and my business dried up after lockdown one.

We have two DC and two dogs. DS1 is 10 and has ASD and struggles hugely with general life. He starts secondary this year.

Throughout lockdown ALL of the homeschooling has been left to me as DH has been working. DS1 needs my one to one input all day to get any work done . His school do online lessons but I have to constantly try to get him focused on the work , make sure he is online on time etc; he hates it and EVERY lesson causes a huge drama and I get the brunt of his bad mood. He is a ball of anxiety and I worry about his MH.

I’m told almost every day by DS1 how I’m a horrible mum for making him do home learning, how I hate him , how I don’t care about him and so on. I’m also trying to help smaller DS2 with his school work as well as looking after the DDogs .

Just before half term it all came to a head and DS1 had a major meltdown resulting in him kicking me. He was very remorseful and very subdued and genuinely sad for days afterwards.

At this time I called his school and explained home learning isn’t working for us and we’re giving it up for DS1. School understood. I explained this to DH but he wasn’t happy.

DH finished work early yesterday and came in to the home office asking why DS1 wasn’t in a lesson . I reminded him he was no longer doing it; DH proclaims he thought I meant for one day not a whole week and he thinks it’s wrong and DS1 should be working. DH tried to cajole DS1 in to a lesson and caused DS1 to start screaming and shouting because this has been sprung back on him.

After months of this shit , I lost my temper with DH and told him to sort it out. The last few months have been daily torture with screaming , shouting , battles over work. DAILY MULTIPLE TIMES EACH DAY!

We gave it up the day it was announced they were going back to school on 8th March and our house has been a lot calmer . I’m proud we got this far!

Now DH has me wondering if I’m wrong and if I should have enforced this hell for another week . WWYD?

@homehellp

I think that you've tried, you've discussed with school and they are supportive/fine with the decision so you've done all you can.
The vast majority of children are able to do some work each day at home. They are.
Some children won't/can't work for a variety of reasons. I don't know of any teachers who would demand you continue the stress level and produce a minimal amount of probably poor quality work. (I don't say this as a slur to you, but work produced under such duress is unlikely to be of high quality or much benefit.)
ASD is a particular issue for home schooling with the boundary of home and school being blurred. It's so stressful. Who learns well when they're so stressed? Better to have home as a calm safe space and build up confidence, and resilience in order to be ready to learn when back at school. I presume he had a place available at school which you chose not to take? That would be the only other option, although I know that it isn't an easy one either as even that return wouldn't be to 'normal' so may not have been less stressful.
Ultimately, he may have missed some schooling. He isn't the only one. Pandemic aside, it won't be the only time learning is missed; children can miss huge amounts of school for a variety of other reasons. It certainly doesn't mean that all is lost though. Children who are happy and secure learn better. If you are able to manage his emotional well being now and prepare him for school, then he has every opportunity to do his best and continue to learn.
I hope you're ok and that your son is able to manage. It's such a stressful time for many and ASD just adds to the confusion, frustration and stress.

God, we had this right at the start where he waltzed in from work after I'd just settled them in to a new homeschool routine and started changing it.

He was told firmly to take on the homeschool or butt out.

Your DH thought you'd ring the school just to announce you were having the afternoon off? he's on another planet.

You're doing the right thing OP

I have this problem too. its awful for us AND our neighbours. I haven't really thought that NOT doing the work would be an option. I am not working, but on my own,

We are JUST getting the work covered but DS (11) is refusing to join the twice weekly lessons - and I now have the Deputy swinging by after school - just to say hi!!!

I'm torn it would be so much easier to NOT do it, but at the same time, what else will he do? At the moment all his electronics have been removed because as soon as I leave the room to walk the dog, put a washing on, go to the supermarket (his sister is here) he will turn off school and turn on the TV.

Hopefully we'll be back on the 15th March in Scotland.

From what I have seen of yr 5/6 work compared to yr7 work i would absolutely not bother. He will catch up next year, secondary isnso much more intense.

If you can keep him in the habit of doing something productive in the day and by that I mean reading a book/magazine, following a recipe to make some food, doing an exercise video or doing some craft etc as opposed to being sat in front of the TV, then I'd leave him be.

I'd concentrate your efforts on the younger child and make sure they are ready to return to school, as getting one sorted will make things easier with the other come the 8th!!

The dh can definately butt out if he is not going to take the whole show on.

I think for some parents it's been a real eye opener to how hard teaching is! Multiply your struggles by 30.

Other people have picked up on this, I just want to add another reason it's not comparable: I remember DD year 3 teacher, a fairly strict man who I thought was a very good teacher, saying that he couldn't teach his own children at home. The relationship dynamic between parent and child is completely different to pupil and teacher.

Very similar here, DS1(12) with asd and adhd. Last lockdown the way the work was set worked for him and although it was hard we did it. This time, 5 live lessons a day does not work for him, so we have to access the recordings and then try to do some of the work, it's bloody torture and I've all but thrown in the towel. We do a bit each day but there have been several days when I've said, nope enough, nothing is worth this. DH is disabled through an accident and is at home all day and was helpfully heckling from the sidelines, I may have lost my shit at that point!

DS2 (9) is totally different and just gets on, but admittedly it's harder as the older one has stopped doing as much and he's noticed.

You're not failing, you putting his needs first. English and maths can be caught up at some point, mental health issues take a lot longer.

Also, to the PP. I can happily get a class of 30 to do as their told, my own boys.... Totally different!

I think that he's only appeared to undermine you, because the communications between the pair of you isn't great and transparent. And equally, you unilaterally deciding that you wouldn't be educating your child this week isn't, imo, "fair" and not how parents should work with one another when under the same roof.

Equally, you saying that education is off the agenda this week now makes the next lockdown or bubble closure, will make it so much harder to then enforce that education isn't opt out. He's 10yo and about to have real changes when he embarks on transition to secondary. Likewise, the message you have given will make homework incredibly difficult to then enforce as being necessary....
Is that really what you want for him?
I agree with your husband. And I am the mother of a child with ASD too and it hasn't been easy, but that's my issue, as the adult and parent, to manage.

OP can't vulnerable / SEN kids be back at school? Or is their a criteria he doesn't fit into? Too late now I suppose. My kids seem to think I'm being mean by getting them to do work.

I wouldn't bother. During lockdown 1, my asd year 6 son struggled to engage and I qas similar to you. School told me not to worry about it. And you have only a week (ish) to go.

This lockdown has been completely different now he is in year 7 I'm.pleased to say.

I don't disagree that stopping is the right thing for your DS. I'm sorry for both you & DS, that sounds v hard. I'm glad he'll be back in school soon.

I don't agree with the DH is a dick narrative tho (and in fairness, OP has clarified that DH can't do home schilling due to his work pattern, it's other PPs I'm mentioning).

He is working, OP therefore needs to home school which she is doing. But I can't see why DH might have a different view to OP re stopping & think it's fair enough for OP to have alternative plan, as suggested here, rather than telling DH that they are just stopping home schooling.

I disagree with some of what you say @BusyLizzie61. My 14 year old DS has ASD and is not managing to do much at the moment and did nothing in the first lockdown. But he is normally ok about doing homework because homework is work that school gives you to do at home and he sees that as qualitatively different to home schooling. So I don't think that saying no to the home schooling means that OP's DS won't do homework later on.

I've pretty much given up too. I did all the cajoling first lockdown and it massively affected my mental health. Like you, I wasn't working (furloughed) so felt I HAD to do a good job and when, inevitably, I didn't, it felt bad. This time it's been more shared with DH but my 10 DD has also stopped as is just so bored with it. I don't blame her, it's tedious, and her teacher said she wasn't expecting much work from anyone this week.

Gosh how can you have such a completely appalling attitude to your child's education. I'm sorry your 10 year old is bored but she's a little child. She should do what she's told. You are lucky enough to have a child. Look after it.

@BusyLizzie61 believe me education is not ‘optional’ here . We have been home schooling since lockdown one and there have been multiple days we haven’t been able to do it but the next day , we try again.

The only reason I have given up now is because there is only a short time left before he is back to school and we are at crisis point . Not just ‘struggling’. Crisis point with professional involvement. DS1 wouldn’t get out of bed the day after half term started ; he lay in bed staring in to space very sad .

Homework is already incredibly difficult and is also often a battle as it revolves around school. I don’t think I need to worry about the impact missing a week or two is going to have on secondary because it’s already a huge obstacle.

Great that you’re managing your ASD child... well done .

Maybe your ASD child copes better than mine? Maybe they are all different? Or maybe I’m just a shit parent for not managing him better?

Like they say "if you've met one person with asd, you've met one person with asd", I work with children with asd and they are all different, they all have their own struggles and strengths. No one can say how it should be for you and your child based on their asd child.

As a teacher, I'd like to say you've done absolutely the right thing! An anxious, miserable, battling child is not going to learn anything except a hatred of learning and an association of you, as his most trusted person, with the hell of trying to learn under the most difficult circumstances ever. Give him big love, tell him you are proud that he has managed to get through this far. He and you have done incredibly well to get this far!!! Pats on your back all round.

Build back the parent-child relationship without having it be parent/teacher-child. Let him tell you what he'd like to 'learn' - what ever his interest is. Let him teach you something. Praise his non-school work knowledge. Remind him knowing stuff is fun.

Every single bit of content during lockdown will have to be revised when schools open. Too many students will have skipped bits, done nothing, etc, for it to be assumed the content has been sufficiently covered.

There's only a few days left, so do whatever keeps you and DS calm.
But if he has ASD, does he not have a 1:1 in school? If so, either he should have been in school with his 1:1, or the 1:1 should have been working with him online.

Don't beat yourself up you should congratulate yourself for getting this far. As soon as the 8th March return was announced I relaxed .It's been hell, chemotherapy was easier! He was stressed, I was stressed and DH was stressed. I feel all he has learnt is to hate home school and I had to stop before he started to hate me.
You are not unreasonable.