To be worried or am I overreacting?

[milligra]

I've namechanged

My grandson is 18 and he lives with us as his mum was a drug addict and he was neglected. My son had full custody of him when he was 1 but he passed away due to suicide. He was depressed but he just told everyone he was ok. I'm worried about grandson as he doesn't seem himself, he's quiet and doesn't eat much and he's always in his room. Yesterday he didn't eat anything I don't think as he kept saying he wasn't hungry. Today he agreed to come with me to walk the dog (he doesn't go out either normally) and he told me nothings wrong and that he's just bored. I don't believe him and I told husband I'm worried about him but he told me to leave him alone and that I'm overreacting.

Aibu? Would you be worried

Bump

I would be worried, yes.

Does he have friends, relatives who he confides on?

I don't think he has many friends. He used to be close to his cousin but I messaged him today asking if he has spoken to grandson recently and he said no

Yes I would be concerned. I would speak to your GP about accessing young people’s MH services Asap. Make heavy weather of his parental background so they take it seriously.

YANBU

He has had a very tough time.

Have you said to him you are worried? Or is it hard to talk about with him?

Can you think of anything that might be upsetting him? Is he spending a lot of time on the internet - could there be something bad happening there?

If you know any of his friends or cousin who are a good influence on him (lift his mood) I'd try to get them to visit. Ignore Covid restrictions. I would be concerned. He might be lonely and depressed.

Presumably his losses are very upsetting to him - that would be enough without anything else so with covid on top it must be hard for him.

Thanks for your replies and atleast I know I'm not overreacting

He just tells me that he's ok and then he tries to change the subject. He's mainly in his room, I did think he was on his Xbox but I've noticed he's mainly laying in bed or on his phone and this afternoon I went to check if he wanted any lunch and he was just laying in bed and he looked like he had been crying (his eyes were red) but he told me he was ok when I asked him (I didn't mention his eyes being red).

I just don't know what to do for the best!

It’s really tough isn’t it? My son is 17 and so depressed right now.
I think all you can do is anything to motivate him, so a daily dog walk is great, kindness like making him food and being there for him

Last lockdown he struggled abit but he was mainly ok. He was active and was doing work for college etc. But this time I can tell he isn't himself and I'd wish he'd talk to me but he just tells me nothings wrong

Feel for you. I would defo reach out for help but also reassure him that you are there for him

Reach out for help, both medical and social.

Poor lamb. He's had a very rough time.

Would he come down for film night/popcorn/any special things you do? Just to connect without talking.

Could you ask him to help you do some task? Lying in bed causes a vicious circle in the end and if he could get up for a bit to spend time with you doing anything that would help. Also, sometimes it is easier to talk while doing something else.

You aren't being unreasonable at all OP. You've every right to be concerned about your grandson, given the trauma he has been through in his younger years.
Keep a close eye on him and perhaps get mental health services involved if the situation gets any worse.
Good luck and for the record you sound like a wonderful grandparent.

Your GP should be able to advise, although it will be difficult if he doesn’t want to engage.

There’s a text service he could use - text ‘SHOUT’ 85258 - you could message to him - maybe saying you know he says he’s ok but if it would help to text.

Also Kooth is an online counselling service that’s available in some areas too.

The Charlie Waller website is also good for advice for parents/carers.

So worrying for you @milligra. Young minds have a (grand) Parent helpline and the website does give lots of suggestions. My 17 year old is pretty much keeping to his room and won’t talk. It’s a difficult time for them all.

youngminds.org.uk/

Google your local mh team. My ds 25 has had positive input from even just phone calls. He had 2 half hearted suicide attempt this past couple of years. In your case maybe he is worried about worrying you more by opening up to you. Maybe leave suitable numbers he can call. Even the Samaritans might help.

Can you invent a reason that you need his help with some task that is a fair distance drive away - people sometimes find it easier to open up when they don't have to be face to face with who they are talking to.

I'd probably also tell him that if there is anything wrong, he can come and tell you about it, whatever it is, and you won't judge/shout/etc. Not that you would, but maybe it will help to straight-up tell him that.

@milligra

You sound a really good grandmother op

Is there any good strong supportive males role models in your family at all op?

Or even good male roles models on his mothers side of the family?

if there is any either /or both sides

Really get them involved more in your grandsons son life it would be reassuring presence for him.

Also encourage your grandson to meet up with good supportive /influence friends , whether meeting up for e.g in your garden/at your home or /and him visting them at local park ect.

I really feel sorry for your grandson and your family struggling to get through such a extremly emotionally difficult time and then having shit Lockdowns which are extremly isolating experience to deal with too.

No wonder your grandson feels overwhelmed /confused and emotionally struggling

@milligra

Also op there is a charity organisation called men's shed in uk in which men of all ages learn the wood craft as a past time in supportive relaxed envoriment.
the wood craft objects they make can be anything from a park bench to various other stuff aswell, men go there and have a good chat enjoy themselves in a constructive way.
Its quite popular,obviously they take in social distance measures limited numbers.

@milligra

www.mind.org.uk

www.heads together.org.uk
www.princes.trust.org.uk

Youngminds.org.uk

www.the giving machine.co.uk

www.idealflatmate.co.uk

these are all supportive charties/organisations in uk that support young people struggling with their mental/emotional health

When I was a teenager and struggling with depression I found it very difficult to tell someone how I was feeling if asked directly, but would (sometimes) open up if I was spending time with them and there was no pressure. So it may be worth just trying to find times he can spend around you (or someone else), even if just in silence doing different things, to give him an opportunity to open up when he feels able to.

You are not being unreasonable to be worried, but I think it is positive that he came out for a walk with you and it seems like you are comfortable talking to him about this which is also a bonus.
Do you know why he hasn't been speaking to his cousin? Have they fallen out? Or could you give him a nudge to see him again?

I feel really sorry for teenagers during the lockdown, I imagine it's hard for all of them. I'd just reiterate you are there for him if he needs help and keep inviting him for walk, maybe treat him to a takeaway if you can afford it to try and get him eating or cook his fave thing.

Yes, definitely! Can you suggest volunteering to get him out of the house? Being a teenager and the pressure to be hard and manly is really tough- but when you talk to people of all ages and make inter generational relationships you realise that being a teen only lasts a very short time. By the time they are 23 it’s all about fitting in at work and settling down and the crazy years are behind them. My dd used some find a friend app at the end of the first lockdown and met loads of new people as she had drifted from her friends. New people to chat to, new experiences and even a relationship! She used to be quite introverted and angry but now she’s really sociable and when lockdown ends will be meeting her new friends again. She’s also taken up a new @thing” as one of her friends is into it so she’s got a new hobby as well. Remember it’s the end of a very long period of enforced inactivity and boredom at the most sociable time of their lives- it’s not surprising their mental health is affected. I will ask my dd what the app was, it was for young people though.