To ask how to get DH back in our room

[Hoorayforsunshine]

DD just turned 3.

From birth until about 2 she was in my room, DH slept in another room.

We moved house last year and started all sleeping in the same room.

As I was pregnant I thought I had better start getting her ready to not being in with me...

Ended up with me in one room and DH and DD in the other.

Newborn son now in with me and DD sleeps with DH in her room.

Nighttime is still a struggle and DH hangs out in her room until she sleeps, gets up and watches tv or reads paper, or does some work and then goes back to bed.

Miss having him in my bed! Not for anything fun, I feel far too fat and still too soon after birth for anything like that. But just feel like we are ships in the night.

What to do?! Ideas on how to get DD sleeping on her own and DH back in with me???

I know this is probably something you’ve already done but have you tried talking with him about him not sleeping in your bed? Does he prefer sleeping with her because the baby wakes him up?

If it is because the baby wakes him up and he has work, could he come in with you at the weekends?

talk to him about it

Oh @CruCru he was initially kicked out when I was first preg and I wanted more room, and then it was for a combination of our and his comfort/ convenience - but now he wants to be back, it’s the 3 year old that won’t let him!

Baby wakes only twice or so in the night so not too bad. He could come back.

I should have made clear- he wants to be back in our/ his room.

He sleeps in our daughter’s room because she won’t be on her own and will not stay in her room if we try.

Well you guys are the adults, you shouldn't be being dictated to by a toddler!

Oh dear I’m afraid it sounds like you set yourself up for this. Whose idea was it for him to move out of the bedroom when dd was a baby? I never understand couples who do this.
And why did the two of you not help your dd to learn to sleep in her own room long ago?
You two need to decide whether being in the same bed as each other is actually a priority or not.

Super nanny back to bed routine- look it up. Or do you want her to get to 10 and still need one of you sleeping with her? I’m not being horrible it’s just that you need to be determined to sort this out if you two want to sleep together again.

I've just put a post up about my 7mo not sleeping alone and having to be in bed with one of us and the other one being in the spare bed in what should be her room..
Looking for advice on how to settle her in her own room now before I'm in a situation like yourself in a year or two down the line.
I'd like my partner back in our bed too.. feels like we're separated at the moment sleeping in two beds. :(
Hopefully it'll be back to 'normal' soon.
I've no tried and tested advice for you, but have you thought about re-decorating your daughters room with her ideas and to make it a new and exciting place for her to want to be in there alone? I'm aware she's young but it may work- if not it's only cost a tin or paint or wallpaper.
Good luck! ❤️

@pickingdaisies you would think so, wouldn’t you. We are pushovers, being knackered by work and life in general but she is also a tyrant.

@MissyB1 will look that up thanks. DH has obstructive sleep apnoea and his machine is loud. I have to have earplugs in to sleep. This wasn’t compatible with staying alert to feed the baby and I also found it easier post tricky birth to cosleep and bf.

Babies are different- my second baby is not as clingy already and quite happy in a cot next to me rather than in my bed. Therefore the safety because of wearing earplugs is less of an issue.

Sorry if that’s a drip feed but didn’t think that was necessary info.

Get a bigger bed. That's what we did. DC1 needs lots of support in the night, always has and we co slept until her was nearly 3. Now we sit in with him until her falls asleep and then leave. He then knows to come in to our room in the night if he wakes up and he gets in to our larger bed with us. We barely notice now. And as he has got older it has lessened naturally and he is now in our bed less than once a week.

Following.

We’ve got ourselves in a mess whereby baby cosleeps with me. And conaps. I’m going to bed with him at 7 and it’s not sustainable but I can’t cope with him crying.

Everyone starts in their right bed here although it descends into musical beds overnight. If you leave the 3yo she will eventually sleep through in her own bed, it depends how hard core you want to be as to how quickly it happens! Our 7yo sleeps through, the 5yo usually comes into our room about 2am-ish.

“ DH has obstructive sleep apnoea and his machine is loud.”

That is quite important info IMO. Genuine safety reason for him sleeping in a different room for a while then.

Is there any reason why he can’t come back in with you now? Can you hear your baby through earplugs if they wake & need a feed/nappy?

He needs a newer machine or a different mask if it’s too loud. They should be no louder than a white noise machine.

@MissyB1

Super nanny back to bed routine- look it up. Or do you want her to get to 10 and still need one of you sleeping with her? I’m not being horrible it’s just that you need to be determined to sort this out if you two want to sleep together again.

Yup. This.

@LibrariesGiveUsPower45321 yes- 3 year old won’t sleep on her own and attempts to get her to sleep on her own just result in her crawling into another bed in the middle of the night. Sometimes as soon as an hour after falling asleep. She is a starfish sleeper so this is v uncomfortable for all.

@user1471462428 I might just have been over sensitive. But between baby waking me for feeds and the machine, I was fed up. I think it prevented baby from getting back to sleep, as I recall too. But that was a few years ago now- it wasn’t an issue when we all in the same room for 6m in the past year! It was just the reason why we parted to begin with.

It sounds like there's a genuine safety reason for him not to sleep in your room for now (CPAP machine and you needing earplugs to sleep through it) but I do think it's important to get your DD used to sleeping on her own.

The Supernanny "bedtime" routine is a good idea.

First time out "bedtime darling" - take her back to bed.
Second time - "bedtime" - and back to bed.
Every time after that, you just take her back to bed - no communication or anything on your part, just keep repeating and returning her to bed.

She's old enough to understand that bedtime means bedtime.

On the super nanny routine, one thing I don’t understand (I have basically tried it before) is what you do when they cry/ scream and you are not communicating. DD isn’t the kind to get it and just give up, she will keep going and escalate and escalate.

@Hoorayforsunshine

On the super nanny routine, one thing I don’t understand (I have basically tried it before) is what you do when they cry/ scream and you are not communicating. DD isn’t the kind to get it and just give up, she will keep going and escalate and escalate.

You just ignore them.

[quote Hoorayforsunshine]@LibrariesGiveUsPower45321 yes- 3 year old won’t sleep on her own and attempts to get her to sleep on her own just result in her crawling into another bed in the middle of the night. Sometimes as soon as an hour after falling asleep. She is a starfish sleeper so this is v uncomfortable for all.

@user1471462428 I might just have been over sensitive. But between baby waking me for feeds and the machine, I was fed up. I think it prevented baby from getting back to sleep, as I recall too. But that was a few years ago now- it wasn’t an issue when we all in the same room for 6m in the past year! It was just the reason why we parted to begin with.[/quote]
That's one of the things baby gates were invented for.

Although if she gets woken up by the baby a few times, there's a good chance she'll choose to go back into her own room where it's quieter.

The back to bed routine is a great idea but jeez it's hard going when it's 3 hours plus of taking the child back to bed. Every single night

Ok. Preparing myself for 3hrs+ Of it tonight and next few nights.

Will update.

Oh God OP, I know it's not simple, I was so sleep deprived with my DD and it was only me trying to "train" her because my DH needed his sleep apparently🙄 (if I had to do it again, he wouldn't get away so lightly).
The only way through it is to not give in, and it's really hard when they are determined. You just have to be more determined.

She will “get it” it’s just that she won’t be impressed! She will undoubtedly protest long and hard but you have to be 100% committed. Grit your teeth and believe that this is possible.