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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I can have a family in time. Just turned 37. Any advice from ladies who met a man later in life

48 replies

Chocaholic9 · 01/03/2021 07:46

I know I am a walking cliche but I turned 37 recently and starting to panic about the fact that I have still not met my Mr right.

I never really wanted to be a mum but now I feel the biological clock ticking.

I've been dating for 21 years but never had a LTR that lasted longer than a year. Every man except one that I have met has been emotionally unavailable in some way or wouldn't commit.

I did some EMDR healing last year and this year and worked out why I was going for unavailable men so much. It was to do with my childhood and the things that happened when I was little. I feel like I'm finally at a place where I am no longer interested in being the fallback girl and unavailable men are not appealing.

But it is awful to look back over my life age 37 and wonder what the fuck have I been doing all these years? I feel like I have been wasting my time.

I wondered if there are any ladies on here who have been in my position in the past and have any words of wisdom or advice to offer?

Do you think it's too late?

OP posts:
SenecaTrewe · 01/03/2021 07:54

I lost my partner in 2012 and spent many years single. In March 2018, when I'd just turned 37, met a man through my synagogue. Started TTC in July 2019 and I got pregnant in December 2019 when I was 38. DD born in September 2020 when I was 39. I've just turned 40 and we will soon start TTC again.

So it's not too late, if you find a guy who wants a family.

PaperMonster · 01/03/2021 07:56

I met my partner aged 38 and had my daughter at 42.

Original poster
Chocaholic9 · 01/03/2021 08:01

Thanks for sharing @SenecaTrewe - your story gives me some hope!

OP posts:
Original poster
Chocaholic9 · 01/03/2021 08:07

@PaperMonster

I met my partner aged 38 and had my daughter at 42.
If you don't mind me asking, did you conceive naturally? I'm worried if I don't meet someone in time I will have to do IVF in my 40s and I don't really have the money for it.
OP posts:
Cuddling57 · 01/03/2021 08:07

I haven't been in your position but did try for a second child at 37 with a new partner after divorcing from my DS dad. Tried for years and ivf too with new partner but no luck.
If you would like my worlds of wisdom they are:

  1. Get a full fertility check so you know where you are now. Although there was nothing 'wrong' with me it is still something positive to do.
  2. Don't wait for a man to have a baby! Look into sperm donation etc. I know this may not be the dream way to have a family but worth considering!
My friend didn't meet her partner until late in life and had a baby older than you Smile. You will hear lots of stories like it. I guess my experience makes me think if you want a baby just go for it! Good luck!
MuddleMoo · 01/03/2021 08:08

I would make sure you establish early on if anyone you date wants a family or not. I mean not on the first date but if it's a deal breaker for you then you don't want to waste time on someone and hope they might want a family.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 01/03/2021 08:10

You could get a fertility check OP. I always think being fully informed is the best approach.

If you know your fertility is ok it might reassure you, if you know you don't have much time it might help you consider full range of options/priorities including having a child alone etc.

Original poster
Chocaholic9 · 01/03/2021 08:12

@Cuddling57

I haven't been in your position but did try for a second child at 37 with a new partner after divorcing from my DS dad. Tried for years and ivf too with new partner but no luck. If you would like my worlds of wisdom they are:
  1. Get a full fertility check so you know where you are now. Although there was nothing 'wrong' with me it is still something positive to do.
  2. Don't wait for a man to have a baby! Look into sperm donation etc. I know this may not be the dream way to have a family but worth considering!
My friend didn't meet her partner until late in life and had a baby older than you Smile. You will hear lots of stories like it. I guess my experience makes me think if you want a baby just go for it! Good luck!
Thanks for your input.

I wouldn't want to do it alone with a sperm donor because I want someone who will be an involved dad to do it with me. I don't think I have it in me to go it alone.

I will look into getting a fertility check, I guess it might soothe some anxiety if it turns out all looks good, but if things don't look good wonder what I can do about it.

OP posts:
Oysterbabe · 01/03/2021 08:13

It's not too late but you need to be very actively trying to meet someone. Immediately discount anyone who is not looking for marriage and children in the immediate future.
I met DH aged 32 we were married and I was pregnant in less than 2 years.

Original poster
Chocaholic9 · 01/03/2021 08:13

@MuddleMoo

I would make sure you establish early on if anyone you date wants a family or not. I mean not on the first date but if it's a deal breaker for you then you don't want to waste time on someone and hope they might want a family.
Yes good point.
OP posts:
theseriousmoonlight · 01/03/2021 08:19

I met my DP at 34 but we didn't start ttc straight away. It took a year but I had dd1 at 38 and dd2 2 days before my 41st. No ivf and no fertility check as I thought I had to wait a year while ttc.

Original poster
Chocaholic9 · 01/03/2021 08:20

@Oysterbabe

It's not too late but you need to be very actively trying to meet someone. Immediately discount anyone who is not looking for marriage and children in the immediate future. I met DH aged 32 we were married and I was pregnant in less than 2 years.
I have a photo shoot booked next week for some nice pics for my online dating profile! I feel like I'm not ready to date again because I'm burned out on it, I might wait several weeks.
OP posts:
theseriousmoonlight · 01/03/2021 08:21

And yy to Oysterbabe. I asked DP what he was looking very early on, by the 3rd date I think!

justanotherneighinparadise · 01/03/2021 08:22

Yes, I did and had my first at your age. Conceiving my second was a complete nightmare, so just be prepared that you may only be able to have one child.

imlateagain · 01/03/2021 08:25

I met my DH when I was 37, had DC1 at 38 and DC2 at 43 (surprise!). I did tell him almost immediately that I wanted to TTC, fair play to him for not running a mile Grin.

Racoonworld · 01/03/2021 08:25

I would do the fertility check then you know roughly what you're situation is. If all is ok then you have some time so no need to panic, but start actively looking for someone straight away as it could take a year or two to find someone. If your fertility isn't ok (as it can start declining from early 30's), then you can start looking into options and make a decision whether a partner or a child is most important to you.

Original poster
Chocaholic9 · 01/03/2021 08:29

Thank you everyone for your input. I am going to book an appt with a fertility specialist to do some tests.

OP posts:
Kintsuji · 01/03/2021 08:30

A close friend met her DH at 36 and by her 41st birthday they were married with 3 under 3. She'd always wanted kids, but was very certain she didn't want to go it alone, whereas that would have been the plan for me if single at 35. Probably lucky considering that's where I'll end up.

Original poster
Chocaholic9 · 01/03/2021 08:40

I definitely won't be doing it alone. If I don't meet someone in time or I can't conceive, I'll just be accepting that it wasn't meant to be.

But the ideal situation is to meet someone in the next couple of years and get married & TTC fairly quickly

OP posts:
Ragwort · 01/03/2021 08:42

I conceived naturally at 42 and wasn't even 'trying' for a baby Blush.

interest12 · 01/03/2021 08:48

I met my partner at 36, we agreed fairly quickly that we’d like a child “one day”. Pregnant at 38 but MC. Pregnant now at 39 , due soon.
I never planned on having kids any younger as I had other things to achieve first, so it worked out well

Justcashnosweets · 01/03/2021 08:55

I met DP when i had just turned 35, and had DD at 37. We conceived really quickly but trying for a second has been fraught with problems so we have given up, especially as I am now almost 45! Definitely get a full fertility check, keep as healthy as possible and be very upfront with any potential partners about what you are looking for. Also, I know a number of women who had babies well into their 40s, so don't give up hope yet! Best of luck

Clymene · 01/03/2021 08:56

@Chocaholic9

Thank you everyone for your input. I am going to book an appt with a fertility specialist to do some tests.
You can get usually get your FHS levels tested through your GP
ExcusesAndAccusations · 01/03/2021 09:02

Don’t have unrealistic expectations about IVF by the way (I know you said you don’t have the money but things change). It’s very good for fixing specific problems but it isn’t a cure for age-related miscarriages unless you buy donor eggs.

Good luck for the future whatever it holds.

jiskoot · 01/03/2021 09:08

I met my partner at 38 after being single for most of my life, we were both not sure about kids but once we'd been together for 18 months decided we'd come off birth control to see what happened. Nothing has and I'm actually pretty sad about it. 44 now so looks like I'm out of time, feel like I'm too old to start investigating as well now. My friend, the same age, is currently pregnant though so who knows.