To think I can have a family in time. Just turned 37. Any advice from ladies who met a man later in life

[Chocaholic9]

I know I am a walking cliche but I turned 37 recently and starting to panic about the fact that I have still not met my Mr right.

I never really wanted to be a mum but now I feel the biological clock ticking.

I've been dating for 21 years but never had a LTR that lasted longer than a year. Every man except one that I have met has been emotionally unavailable in some way or wouldn't commit.

I did some EMDR healing last year and this year and worked out why I was going for unavailable men so much. It was to do with my childhood and the things that happened when I was little. I feel like I'm finally at a place where I am no longer interested in being the fallback girl and unavailable men are not appealing.

But it is awful to look back over my life age 37 and wonder what the fuck have I been doing all these years? I feel like I have been wasting my time.

I wondered if there are any ladies on here who have been in my position in the past and have any words of wisdom or advice to offer?

Do you think it's too late?

Many who, very much like the proverbial grasshoppers, partied their 20s and 30s away - feeling on top of the world, loved, desired and admired by many, their looks and earning power at their respective peaks, feeling that they own the world - suddenly face the very predicament OP is talking about.

Unless you get extremely lucky and find the Mr Right in a short course of time, it'll be a choice between Mr Will-Do or sperm-bank if children are a must.

Mind, many Mr Will-Dos can turn into Mr Really-Nice-To-Grow-Old-With.

Don't settle for someone who is horrible in order to have kids. It is not worth it.

I met mine at 39, pregnant at the first go! Ds is now nearly 11 weeks and gorgeous, and I want another!

@Chocaholic9

I know I am a walking cliche but I turned 37 recently and starting to panic about the fact that I have still not met my Mr right.

I never really wanted to be a mum but now I feel the biological clock ticking.

I've been dating for 21 years but never had a LTR that lasted longer than a year. Every man except one that I have met has been emotionally unavailable in some way or wouldn't commit.

I did some EMDR healing last year and this year and worked out why I was going for unavailable men so much. It was to do with my childhood and the things that happened when I was little. I feel like I'm finally at a place where I am no longer interested in being the fallback girl and unavailable men are not appealing.

But it is awful to look back over my life age 37 and wonder what the fuck have I been doing all these years? I feel like I have been wasting my time.

I wondered if there are any ladies on here who have been in my position in the past and have any words of wisdom or advice to offer?

Do you think it's too late?

I have several family members who met men at 40, and had 2-3 kids from 40-46. One had 5 kids. So it is possible. They did tend to be really health focussed though and met their partners while doing their preferred sports / fitness activity - some have younger partners while others have similar aged ones.

Met my DH a bit earlier (34) but for various reasons weren’t able to start TTC until 39. For pregnant first time. Had a second at 43. Not too late at all. But get on with it!

Thanks all for the messages, this gives me hope!

And for the person who left a snide comment, no I did not party my 20s and 30s away, I was actually dealing with some deep issues from growing up with a narcissistic personality disordered mother who made me feel not good enough and told me pretty much every day directly and indirectly, that I wasn't good enough and there was something wrong with me.

After years of therapy and most recently some EMDR, turns out there's nothing wrong with me, apart from being an ordinary flawed human being like everyone else!

I chose relationships with men who would not get close to me or men who lived on another continent because I was terrified they would find out there was something wrong with me.

If you put me in a room with 20 emotionally available men and 1 unavailable one I could sniff out the unavailable one straight away.

I don't worry about finding a nice man at this stage in my life as I know I have a lot to offer. I'm so glad I broke my pattern now rather than having another 20 years of messing around with unavailable types.

@ExcusesAndAccusations

Don’t have unrealistic expectations about IVF by the way (I know you said you don’t have the money but things change). It’s very good for fixing specific problems but it isn’t a cure for age-related miscarriages unless you buy donor eggs.

Good luck for the future whatever it holds.

Thank you!

OP, my apologies, I truly didn't mean to sound snide, just relating the experiences of vary many of my wide circle of acquaintances.
I didn't mean that you were partying your life away.
However, there's absolutely nothing wrong with partying your 20s and 30s away, these bloody fantastic years make memories nothing can replace. One can feel content to finally settle down and give full focus to children as one really has all the T-shirts and there aren't many lures that can distract, as one's been there and done that. With a cherry on top.

I’m with Oyster, great advice. You have to be very upfront early on about what you’re looking for. I was 28 when I became single again but with known fertility issues that meant I didn’t have a lot of time to hang around. Told DH on the first or second date that I was ready for a family and planned to TTC in a couple of years either with the right person or alone, so that if he wasn’t in the same place in life we could avoid wasting each other’s time getting into anything. I wasn’t willing to tie myself exclusively to anyone anymore unless it was with the understanding that it would be heading towards a family if all went well.

You still have time but not a lot of it so you need to be proactively dating to find a good partner and father for your children. Lots of guys out there want kids and are ready.

I feel for you, I know the terror of wanting it and it feeling so far out of reach and not knowing if you’ll ever achieve it. It’s terrifying. But you can do everything in your power at least to make this happen instead of just sitting back and hoping the right person appears.

@Chocaholic9
I have more friends who had children in their 40s than 20s. I’m now 50s and my peers have as many dcs in primary school as University.

I spent 10 years in a pretty unhappy relationship, which I left when I was 37. I met DH at a friend's party when I was 38, he was 39. I didn't have any luck with OLD, and had about given up finding anyone.
We were married when I was 40, and had DD1 at 41 and DD2 at 44, both conceived naturally.
It's not impossible, although I do think I'm incredibly lucky. I am also very fit and active, eat healthily and don't smoke, which I'm sure helped.

thanks for all the replies

@Helbelle75 - that's great. I do eat very healthy, am a heathy weight and active, and have never smoked, don't really drink alcohol. Hoping that works in my favour.

@praecantator

OP, my apologies, I truly didn't mean to sound snide, just relating the experiences of vary many of my wide circle of acquaintances. I didn't mean that you were partying your life away. However, there's absolutely nothing wrong with partying your 20s and 30s away, these bloody fantastic years make memories nothing can replace. One can feel content to finally settle down and give full focus to children as one really has all the T-shirts and there aren't many lures that can distract, as one's been there and done that. With a cherry on top.

It’s such a pervasive myth though. You have no idea how many women in their thirties who want children are told that they caused their predicament themselves because they were too ‘career focused’ or too fixated on partying and travelling. It’s the whole go-getter childless sad career woman trope.

In reality most of the women I know who haven’t had kids by their late thirties but want them would have had them already if not for partners saying ‘no, not yet, maybe someday’ until they were too old. It was their choice to stay of course but I do think a huge part of this is guys not wanting to ‘settle down’ until they’re at an age where they’d be pushing it if they had a woman’s biological clock.

Many women are forced to wait due to financial insecurity too, or because they’re sensible and know they’d not be able to offer a baby what they deserve in insecure low paid work in a house share or rental. It’s really infuriating to many women for it to be portrayed like they were so busy going on holidays and getting spa treatments and drinking cocktails they forgot to try for a baby. Life isn’t really like that. OP hasn’t even said anything about how she’s spent her life so far partying so where have you got that from?

It is true that I haven't been financially ready for a baby, and still aren't really!

I have been savings for years and have finally reached about 80% of my house deposit goal now at the age of 37. I don't have a pension at all. I know by having a family I may go backwards on these goals as I'm self-employed.

I met DH at 37, had DS aged 39. We chose to stop at one

My friend, long time single, would have loved to have a family. It didn't happen for her, unfortunately, but she still has a happy and fulfilling life

Another friend would have liked children, but ended up with a man who already had a family. She is a great stepmother

Me and DH got together when I was 38, bought a house and had DS at 39, married at 40, had DD 4wks ago at 42 (43 in 2mths).
Both conceived naturally, I'm fit and well, no problems in pregnancy. Also work 33hrs and studying for my 2nd degree.

Anything is possible 😊

And some of the people who appeared to have it all, their lives didn't turn out as we hoped e.g. due to bereavement, affairs

Life is unpredictable. My advice would be to make the very best life you can with the cards you are dealt

@ColdBrightClearMorning

I agree, however, in my social circle, my description is true. We had such bloody brilliant two decades and children/families were the last in our minds.
Most of us have quite young children now in our 40s/50s, some of us found Mr Rights, some of us settled with Mr Will-Dos. Must say that some Mr Will-Dos have outperformed Mr Rights though, in love and longevity of relationships.

Oops, namechange fail.

I had my second at 39 naturally .. so many of my school year are having second babies now at 40. I don't know the ins and outs of everyone and I personally had a panic at 35, but conceived baby one quickly, and baby two took six months trying. You should have time assuming you are in good health, and a healthy BMI.

I thought especially these days late 30s & 40s is when a lot of women are conceiving due to precarious living circumstances i.e. lower wages, insecure housing etc. That said, don't rush for the 1st the man who comes along who seems vaguely interested just because your biological clock is ticking.

The honest answer is that if you take ten 37 year old women, it will be too late for 2-3 of them to conceive, but the others be fine.

37 was too late for me, as was 35 (luckily I already had one child). I know several other women who weren’t able to have families as large as they wanted, this is a very common thing that isn’t talked about enough.

I don’t want to give you false reassurance, if you’re very keen to be a biological mother then maybe consider single motherhood asap. If this is more about having a full family with dad etc then you have plenty of time to meet a man, but children might have to be adopted, or step, or egg donation: you could have a baby any time in your forties with a donated egg,