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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ghost her?

41 replies

flakymate · 28/02/2021 18:53

My friend and I are 23. We have been friends since school.

She has a habit of making plans just to cancel last minute. It’s literally most of the time she arranges something. Say we’re meeting at 1pm for a walk, she’ll text at 1:05pm to say she can’t make it for whatever reason. It’s always a weird, flimsy excuse too. Eg today said she needs to help her boyfriend’s mum, but spent all week whining to me about how her BF’s mum hates her - they argue a lot so how have they randomly made up when we are due to meet? By that time I already drove 45 minutes to meet her and cancelled other plans for her so feel massively mugged off at being stood up.

Whenever we do meet, she conveniently forgets her money or her “Uber app doesn’t work”, so I have to pay for her every time we meet and pay her travel home.

Aibu to cut her off?

I have always been a shoulder to cry on for her and have been supportive, but she’s never done the same for me

OP posts:
DippingToes · 28/02/2021 18:57

Yeah, I'd cut my losses. It sounds very one sided. Sorry Thanks

LuvMyBoyz · 28/02/2021 18:58

She’s no friend. Don’t put up with this anymore. She doesn’t respect you. Deserves to be ghosted. Not worth a confrontation as she probably can’t see anything wrong with her behaviour.

Jumpers268 · 28/02/2021 18:59

Voted YANBU. I'd have been so irritated having driven 45 minutes for her to have just cancelled. Especially when she'd have known way before hand surely? I hate ghosting though. I think you should just tell her, and then block if you feel you need to!

IhaveNotBroughtMySpecsWithMe · 28/02/2021 19:02

I'm much older now but my friend always used to do this..

Turns out she was in a DV relationship and it was him making her change plans all the times.

Thelnebriati · 28/02/2021 19:05

Have you met her boyfriend?

Original poster
flakymate · 28/02/2021 19:07

You’re all right. The thing is that I never message her first and don’t suggest meeting - I’ve been happy to let this phase out over the years but she comes crawling back and I feel bad about ignoring her! It’s like she’s trolling me

OP posts:
partyatthepalace · 28/02/2021 19:07

Has she always been like this or is it a new-ish thing?

If she's always been like this then I would let her go, if she hasn't - I would explain to her that you are frustrated that she doesn't appear to value your time right now, but you'd like to pick up the friendship when she's a bit freer. I'm saying this because you never know what's going on in people's lives that is making them behave oddly.

Original poster
flakymate · 28/02/2021 19:09

@IhaveNotBroughtMySpecsWithMe @Thelnebriati I went to school with her boyfriend too although I don’t talk to him. They live separately with their parents so I doubt DV is at play. She’s been like this since before they were together! But thanks for the alt perspective as I wouldn’t have considered that!

OP posts:
1Morewineplease · 28/02/2021 19:11

I think it's time to move on. She clearly doesn't regard you highly , and when you do meet , she uses you.
She's not a friend.

Thelnebriati · 28/02/2021 19:12

In that case I think you've just outgrown her. Its not pleasant to go through but its better than being messed about.

73kittycat73 · 28/02/2021 19:15

If she can't afford to get home, how did she pay to get there?

DrManhattan · 28/02/2021 19:15

Stop being a mug

Original poster
flakymate · 28/02/2021 19:40

@DrManhattan

Stop being a mug
Embarrassing but you’re right😔

@73kittycat73 Tbh think she was lying! When I graduated and was working she was a student so once said asked if I could pay as I apparently have more money than her. I was still broke as a Londoner paying rent/bills whilst she lived at home. After that until the pandemic she often conveniently “couldn’t” pay

OP posts:
Shakirawannabe · 28/02/2021 21:11

Is she like this with her other friends

Original poster
flakymate · 28/02/2021 21:43

@Shakirawannabe

Is she like this with her other friends
She doesn’t have other friends, just spends time with her boyfriend/family
OP posts:
LongTimeMammaBear · 01/03/2021 22:29

YANBU for being upset and no longer wanting to be her friend but just ghosting is wrong. Perhaps send her a text that today was enough abd you’re not going to be making any more plans to meet up with her as she has continually showed you a lack of respect by regularly standing you up and to please not contact you again

Then block her.

Original poster
flakymate · 02/03/2021 10:18

I don’t think I will message her. I have a new number now so no point giving it to her only to say don’t contact me?

She hasn’t replied since she cancelled last second, not even an apology, so she isn’t bothered about me. Tbh it’s satisfying knowing that she has no way of contacting me when she decides I’m useful again😄

OP posts:
jendifer · 02/03/2021 10:23

Talk to her about it. Explain how you feel when she cancels like this and how you need to see something different from her.

TheCatWithTheFluffyTail · 02/03/2021 10:24

Instead of ghosting her just don’t start up a conversation with her and the next time she contacts you to arrange something say no because she always cancels. Continue to say no and eventually she won’t bother making plans with you.

Covidweddingday · 02/03/2021 10:28

Good idea to just not give her your phone number. If she does manage to get in touch and asks you to meet up then its probably better to be honest. Something like ' Sorry, but I'm really busy and I'm not prepared to give up any more of my time to meet up with you when you regularly cancel on me when I've already set off to meet you'

Aprilx · 02/03/2021 10:32

I can understand you being fed up, but I find it somewhat ironic that you are complaining about a friend cancelling the latest plans when you cancelled plans with somebody else in order to make the plans with her. Maybe she got a better offer just like you did.

Don’t ghost.

OnceIWasAnApe · 02/03/2021 10:42

Yeah, don't ghost, that will mess with her head and although she sounds selfish and unthinking, no-one deserves that. Just don't meet up again.

Original poster
flakymate · 02/03/2021 10:59

@Aprilx

I can understand you being fed up, but I find it somewhat ironic that you are complaining about a friend cancelling the latest plans when you cancelled plans with somebody else in order to make the plans with her. Maybe she got a better offer just like you did.

Don’t ghost.

When I said “cancelled” others, I meant that I said no to seeing my boyfriend because I already made plans with this friend last weekend and wanted to honour that. This friend obviously didn’t want to go so I could have seen him after all, but she told me last minute. I shouldn’t have said used the word “cancelled” as I never said yes to him.
OP posts:
TakeTheCuntOutOfScunthorpe · 02/03/2021 11:01

Don't talk it out - you will just make her feel bad. Ghosting seems the way to go, you don't need her in your life.

Original poster
flakymate · 02/03/2021 11:09

Thanks for all your replies. I don’t see the point in giving her my new number just to confront her or say goodbye?

Taking on board your replies, I’m not purposely going to ghost her - she can contact me on social media, I haven’t blocked her. When the time comes I’ll just distance myself, think we’ve just grown apart since school and it’s time to let this friendship fizzle out.

OP posts: