Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ghost her?

41 replies

flakymate · 28/02/2021 18:53

My friend and I are 23. We have been friends since school.

She has a habit of making plans just to cancel last minute. It’s literally most of the time she arranges something. Say we’re meeting at 1pm for a walk, she’ll text at 1:05pm to say she can’t make it for whatever reason. It’s always a weird, flimsy excuse too. Eg today said she needs to help her boyfriend’s mum, but spent all week whining to me about how her BF’s mum hates her - they argue a lot so how have they randomly made up when we are due to meet? By that time I already drove 45 minutes to meet her and cancelled other plans for her so feel massively mugged off at being stood up.

Whenever we do meet, she conveniently forgets her money or her “Uber app doesn’t work”, so I have to pay for her every time we meet and pay her travel home.

Aibu to cut her off?

I have always been a shoulder to cry on for her and have been supportive, but she’s never done the same for me

OP posts:
MadameButterface · 02/03/2021 13:22

Ghosting was made for people like this

SeasonFinale · 02/03/2021 13:42

If she contacts you suggesting a meet up via social media. Say "no thanks, fed up of being stood up" and doen't be persuaded otherwise.

LongTimeMammaBear · 03/03/2021 07:07

@TakeTheCuntOutOfScunthorpe were you being sarcastic? As though ghosting isn’t hurtful? It’s far more hurtful and a longer lasting problem for the person being ghosted than being told the truth.

SnuggyBuggy · 03/03/2021 07:11

Life is too short to invest too much in people like this. I might consider asking them along to the sort of group event where them flaking won't spoil it for everyone.

Cookiecrumblepie · 03/03/2021 07:35

If you want her to hate you, ghost her. Otherwise tell her it’s not on and you are severing contact.

DipSwimSwoosh · 03/03/2021 07:43

Ghosting is unbelievably cruel. Just be honest.

EdgeOfACoin · 03/03/2021 08:33

If by 'ghosting' you mean not responding to any of her messages and ignoring her entirely when she contacts you - no, that is not right. That is hurtful and cowardly. Having been ghosted myself in the past by some people I considered my closest friends, it was one of the most painful experiences of my life. For me, it took years (literally) to get over. Don't do that to someone deliberately.

However, I think it's fine not to initiate contact and not make arrangements to meet up. If she asks why you aren't available, you can briefly explain that you are tired of making plans that aren't adhered to. If she persists after that, you can then cease communication. By that point she will know that you aren't interested in maintaining the friendship and she will know why.

It's the complete silence and lack of explanation that is cruellest and causes the most pain.

SnuggyBuggy · 03/03/2021 08:34

Sometimes the truth can be cruel too.

"I'm not giving you my number because you're a shit friend who always cancels on me and I can't be fucked with you anymore"

I don't see it so much as ghosting but growing apart.

rawalpindithelabrador · 03/03/2021 08:37

Ghost her. She probably won't notice but who cares? She's a user.

sanfranfibber · 03/03/2021 09:31

@TakeTheCuntOutOfScunthorpe

Don't talk it out - you will just make her feel bad. Ghosting seems the way to go, you don't need her in your life.
Because ghosting never made anyone feel bad.

Please don't ghost, it's cowardly as fuck and can do a lot of damage to how someone perceives themselves.

the ideal time to address this was the 1pm cancellation and texting to say you were already there and fed up of being dropped when convenient, so you think it's best not to arrange any more meet ups.

AtSwimTwoBerts · 03/03/2021 10:06

As though ghosting isn’t hurtful? It’s far more hurtful and a longer lasting problem for the person being ghosted than being told the truth

If you're "ghosted" (stupid word anyway) because you've acted like a complete dick to a friend, that friend doesn't have to let you down gently and be nice about explaining to you what a dick you have been. If you don't want to be ghosted and et hurt, don't hurt others in the first place.
Nobody owes you a gentle let down or an explanation of why your poor behaviour means they no longer want to be your friend.

Original poster
flakymate · 03/03/2021 15:38

it's cowardly as fuck and can do a lot of damage to how someone perceives themselves.

That’s interesting. I wouldn’t feel this way if I was ghosted, it’s not that serious. If someone aired my messages I would cut them off myself, think they’re rude and move on, instead of pondering on what is potentially wrong with me.

Bare in mind that this isn’t out of the blue. If she had emotional intelligence she would see why I feel mugged off. She hasn’t replied herself, let alone apologised. Do you think it’s cowardly not to double message and say goodbye to her? I think it’s a waste of my energy. I’m no longer invested in the friendship so am not interested in her response or a change in her behaviour. I’m just done

OP posts:
MadameButterface · 03/03/2021 16:47

She was the arsehole so it’s on her to apologise. Deciding not to contact her again isn’t even technically ghosting in these circs imo. If she does get in touch somehow, then obviously the tone of what she says and how she says it will tell you if she sees her behaviour as a problem, and you can take it from there depending on how you feel, which i’m sure is what you’ll do anyway.

Walruse · 03/03/2021 16:59

Be honest with her. The next time she asks to meet up, ask her if she actually has any intentions of going and paying her own way. I find ghosting to be cruel, much better to have a conversation and know where you both stand.

SnuggyBuggy · 04/03/2021 13:49

Has anyone actually been on the receiving end of one of these exit interviews? Do they help?

therealteamdebbie · 04/03/2021 13:57

Life is too short to waste it for people who are not interested in you!

Just ghost her. Be clear in your head and forget her, sadly it's very likely she won't even notice and won't bother. Save your time and upset now.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page