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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think I'm never going to look good again?

76 replies

stilltiredinthemorning · 27/02/2021 16:43

I'm 43 in a couple of months. I've never been beautiful, but have always looked quite young for my age, had nice skin, decent haircuts and a good sense of style. In the last couple of years I barely recognise myself. I've gained a lot of weight (and was always a bit chubby) and my face just looks AWFUL. It's hard to describe but it's sort of puffy and saggy and everything points downwards making me look pissed off. None of my nice clothes fit me anymore, no amount of make up helps, even my hands look horrible! I feel like it's happened so suddenly...

I've tried losing weight but even when quite strict I don't seem to shift a single pound (and I need to lose at least 2 stone to make a proper difference).

So, I'm wondering, is, that it now? Should I just give up because I'm kind of realising that things are only going to get worse! I never thought I'd age so badly, but I guess some people do. All my friends still seem to be looking pretty good and all of a sudden I feel like a fat middle aged women (which I am I guess!). All the sorts of clothes I used to wear and haircuts, jewellery etc. somehow just look 'wacky' now. I have no idea what to wear, how to do my make-up or my hair or anything - complete identity crisis!!!

OP posts:
Positivevibesonlyplease · 28/02/2021 09:46

Try to do some exercise every day - YouTube workout and/or a work. That will make an enormous difference to how you feel and look. Have a look at Pinterest and Instagram for clothing styles you like and hair/make up looks. Take Omega 3/6/9 supplements and a multivit. Drink lots of water to help depuff. Try some facial massage techniques (YouTube again.) Invest in a lovely face, hand and body moisturiser - Cerave works and is relatively inexpensive. Body Shop body butters smell lovely, if you want to feel a bit more pampered. Get some fake tanning drops to mix into the moisturiser - a subtle glow will make all the difference to how you feel. I’m older than you. I don’t feel as good as I did in my 20s, but I’m confident in myself and my style. Well-being and looking after myself is important these days, which I think is key to making yourself feel and hence look better.

Positivevibesonlyplease · 28/02/2021 09:47

@Nuitsdesetoiles I’ll second skincare and bright lipstick!

DestinyIsAll · 28/02/2021 09:47

Thank you skeenskeenjellybean

I also agree with advice to have a check up with the GP OP.

Dentistlakes · 28/02/2021 09:53

Same here op, but I’m at bit older than you at 50. I finally took sole action and lost weight (3.5 stone and counting) and exercise every day. The better diet and weight loss has made a huge difference. I’m not saying I look 20, but I at least look ok for my age an feel loads better.

You can lose weight but it is harder when you’re older. A combination of low carb, 16:8 and exercise has worked for me so far, although losing that last stone is proving tricky.

DearTeddyRobinson · 28/02/2021 09:56

Hi OP, I've just turned 46 Shock. I gained a stone during lockdown and AGED. so I have done the following:
Botox. If you are around London I can recommend a lady who is an actual magician.
Weight watchers. I just restarted a week ago and if I stick to the plan I will have that pesky stone shifted shortly after Easter.
Hyalouronic (sp?) acid. Aforementioned magician lady recommended it. I got la Roche Posay eye cream with H acid in Boots, and a face cream from Tesco so nothing too pricey.
I think my skin looks smoother and let's be honest the Botox really helps 😁.
I'm also trying to exercise more, my joints are a bit creaky but I do 5k about once a week and some yoga with Adriene in between.
The upshot of all of this is I went from looking like my mother Shock to being asked for ID when buying booze in Tesco 2 weeks ago. To be fair I was wearing a mask so my age was concealed but I was still delighted 😁

Mummadeze · 28/02/2021 10:05

A bit of fake tan on the face helps me feel slightly better. But I feel like you right now. The lockdown stone has crept up to a stone and a half and I feel shit about it. My hair is awful. I suit short hair but it has grown into an unflattering chin length. I can’t fit in my nicer clothes. I have to sort it out before the world is open again. Somehow!

Sillysandy · 28/02/2021 10:12

Hi OP,

I feel your pain. When you get past 40 your body just can't deal with abuse like lack of sleep, water deprivation the way a 20 something can.

It's just not true you will never look as good as you did last year or even as young. I looked far better at 40 than I did at 35 thanks to a lifestyle turnabout.

It's not just about weight and ironically while your looks tell tales, it's not all about looks either. You're not old and if you look as haggard as you say then you are probably not doing great on the inside.

I'd view this as the beginning of a self exploratory journey; keep a food, alcohol and sleep journal and log your moods, sleep and weight (only check your weight twice a month). Their are loads of resources online with nutrition help, try cutting out wheat and track how you feel, it definitely does me no favours. The most common deficiencies are vit-b, vit-d and omega-3 but that doesn't mean they apply to you.

If you are near a good health shop (not a chain) see if the person working there has any advice for you.

As a starting point, get to bed early, get your water intake up, bring your alcohol intake right down, get out in the fresh air for a 45 minute walk minimum every day, get your steps up to 10,000, stretch, clean up your diet and get some advice on supplements. I know you have kids and these things seem last on the list but you have to prioritise your own health. Acupuncture and yoga are great for a general feeling of wellbeing. My friends swear by a massage but I think i get enough from yoga - even ten minutes on your mat every day helps.

I totally hear you and shudder on the fashion statements looking whacky. Find some inspiration and really think about how you want to look, not silly styles you've fallen into. Do a huge clear out on your wardrobe and look at the pieces you have and built some outfits up. Vacuum pack your too small clothes and label them starting with the ones you are closest to fitting into.

Good luck.

SpringisSpinning · 28/02/2021 10:22

@DearTeddyRobinson

Can you pm me me the botox please and tell me rough cost.

Thanks for the cream tips.

stilltiredinthemorning · 28/02/2021 10:35

Thank you everyone, I really appreciate your advice. I think quite significant action is probably required if I really want to make a difference. Its just a question of whether I can summon the energy or will power. I'd love to think it's thyroid problem but realistically I don't think it is. I maintained a fairly healthy weight from my mid-twenties to mid-thirties, but to do so took quite a lot of dedication. I tried to stick to 1400 calories a day (and that was just to maintain) and was pretty active. 1200 calories may seem like a starvation diet to some, but the truth is I probably would have to stick to that for the foreseeable to get any kind of results, that's just the way some of our bodies work.

The kids have definitely aged me, bless them! I look a good 10 years older than I did at 38. They both have some additional needs so we're not going to be through the sleep loss for a while yet.

I've tried skin creams and haircuts/colours, make-up and new clothes, but I do think I'll have to accept my face as it is unless I have botox or fillers etc. which isn't financially realistic at the moment unfortunately.

I'm sad and quite saddened by how bothered I am to be honest. I think it's mainly because I've always enjoyed make-up and fashion etc. and if would nice to have that 'escape'.

Destinyis all you've helped me to get all this in perspective. What an inspiration! I'm not healthy, I'm overweight and I'm exhausted and I'm not always very happy, so that's probably the place to start!

OP posts:
Bubbinsmakesthree · 28/02/2021 10:48

Great post @DestinyIsAll

Prioritise you physical and mental health, make these the goals you set for yourself. If you are fit and feel positive you will radiate that ‘glow’.

Trip to the GP sounds worthwhile and then focus on physical activity - it doesn’t matter whether it shifts the weight

jelly79 · 28/02/2021 10:54

Oh OP don't be so hard on yourself!! This will be so much more to do with your frame of mind than how you actually look and I am sure some small changes will make you feel so much better!

Exercise is such a tonic for head space. It makes you feel so much better about yourself! Order some online clothes to try out at home and you may find what makes you feel good again

Please know you are not alone feeling like this xx

Ikora · 28/02/2021 10:59

I honestly think lockdown has made many people perceive their looks in quite a negative way. I am not talking serious depression here just the day to day boringness of it all. You know how little kids eyes light up easily if you say you are going to have ice cream, go to the beach and stuff like that. We have also lost this. As much as we may not show it because we are taught that jumping up and down on the sofa in excitement is not grown up, there is still that little child somewhere in all of us.

Hormonal changes happen, men age gradually. We get the shitty end of the stick with it being more sudden so we feel it more acutely. I looked really very young till I had my menopause in my mid forties.

DearTeddyRobinson · 28/02/2021 11:11

@SpringisSpinning done x

pinkearedcow · 28/02/2021 11:21

@DestinyIsAll what a great post. I hope everything continues to go well for you Flowers.

Octopus37 · 28/02/2021 18:48

@DestinyIsAll that's really inspiring. Well done you. @stilltiredinthemorning you can still enjoy fashion and make up, I agree, its a bit of escapism. Hope you start to feel better soon

DestinyIsAll · 28/02/2021 20:47

Thank you Bubbinsmakesthree pinkearedcow Octopus37

stilltiredinthemorning I was the same, embarrassed to see friends I hadn’t seen in a while, I avoided people, even lost some lovely friendships because of it, it’s such a shame.

My DC are all older and more independent now but some of them share a genetic medical condition with me and needed much more care when young, so I empathise. It’s an exhausting time, DH was supportive and helpful when at home but he worked really long hours. It’s difficult to know how to change things when parenting young DC, working etc, but I can really see looking back that I should’ve found a way to keep myself healthier and stop myself just sinking lower and lower. I wish so much that I had somehow motivated and helped myself to feel and look better 10 years ago. Pointless to regret things, it doesn’t help so I’m focusing on now.

One thing I will say about a low calorie diet, I know not everyone is the same, but the thought of it is worse than doing it, I find I really quickly adjust to smaller portions, and if I have e.g., porridge, which I put apricots, nectarines or berries in, it’s filling enough that I can last without getting hungry. Other things helped too, but eating well, losing weight and exercising more gave me so much more energy and the feeling of well being, self esteem and confidence grows each day. That definitely shows in my whole self I think. I know how that sounds 🙄 😊 but it’s been really true for me. I hope you find something that works for you. 💐

yaboo · 01/03/2021 00:15

I think a lot of women have a kind of mini mid-life crisis in the years between 40-50! Partly hormonal, partly psychological, 40 is some kind of demarcation line between 'young and pretty' and 'old and past it' and when you get that prod from mother nature/society's expectations/the cruel mirror, it's a little shocker, ain't it!

If you've had a very enjoyable life, caned the booze, smoked too many bifters, baked in the sun, spooned nutella out the jar most evenings, been overworked, sleep deprived, are almost always undernourished, dehydrated, sick, whatever, it definitely starts to show as you get older. And usually on your face.

You can just let it slide, if you want. Smash the mirrors in your house. Only use candlelight at home. Stop plucking your eyebrows, eat more cake, buy sensible shoes, stop dyeing your hair. Most of the people who know you probably won't give much of a toss. There's millions of overweight, mushy-faced middle-aged people in uncoordinated anoraks and polyester slacks who look like they've given up. They have. It's okay. Nobody dies.

(Except the fashion fairies. Oh yes. Every time a middle-aged woman buys American tan tights and gets a 'helmet' perm and keeps the same handbag she's had for twenty years, the heart of a small, well-coiffed Chanel-clad fairy breaks...I thought everyone knew that!).

But yeah, if you don't want to succumb and become 'one of them invisible wimins'... there's loads of things you can do. Some people choose injectables, some people start diets, some people buy new wardrobes, and some have total life revamps, dump their old fellas, change careers, get new lovers, take up new hobbies, start charities...

Tis up to you...

orchidsonabudget · 01/03/2021 09:00

Those who are suggesting Pinterest for clothes what are your search terms

Nuitsdesetoiles · 01/03/2021 09:54

@Ikora

I honestly think lockdown has made many people perceive their looks in quite a negative way. I am not talking serious depression here just the day to day boringness of it all. You know how little kids eyes light up easily if you say you are going to have ice cream, go to the beach and stuff like that. We have also lost this. As much as we may not show it because we are taught that jumping up and down on the sofa in excitement is not grown up, there is still that little child somewhere in all of us.

Hormonal changes happen, men age gradually. We get the shitty end of the stick with it being more sudden so we feel it more acutely. I looked really very young till I had my menopause in my mid forties.

So true. And seeing your face day in day out in that thumbnail in the corner of Microsoft teams/zoom is not doing any of us any good with our body image unless we're supremely confident/unbothered! To be fair it has spurred me to address with wine issue now I've seen how red my skin looks... Age 42 was more "alabaster" now it's red and inflamed. Purely down to wine. Time for action.
Positivevibesonlyplease · 01/03/2021 10:36

@orchidsonabudget

Those who are suggesting Pinterest for clothes what are your search terms
I started with ‘blazer and jeans’ as that was what I decided my staples were going to be. I then found people to follow whose style I liked, same with Instagram.
stilltiredinthemorning · 02/03/2021 19:58

yaboo Best post ever! (And to be fair I have enjoyed a fair few of the things you've mentioned, probably long after I should have grown up) Now I have the ultimate karma, a toddler in my forties and a face like a fat knee... WineWineWineWineCakeCakeCakeCakeShock

OP posts:
Mowly75 · 02/03/2021 20:10

Following. Same, exactly same as you OP. I’m post (surgical) menopause though at 45 & rapidly ageing, can’t take HRT. I have no motivation whatsoever to diet and exercise but I need to have a word with myself.

Msfoxy17 · 02/03/2021 20:14

I feel exactly the same as you @stilltiredinthemorning and so am reading this post with interest. I kind of know what I need to do but really struggle with motivation, like I just don't know where to start as there are so many things I need to change. I also have young children and the constant lack of good sleep really affects my motivation to be healthy and stick to things. Anyway I dont have anything useful to suggest really just wanted to empathise!

wizzbangfizz · 02/03/2021 20:17

Marking as feel in the same boat

apalledandshocked · 02/03/2021 20:17

Is the puffy/saggy face thing partly explained by looking at yourself on zoom every day? Soooo many people seem to have become extremely anxious about their puffy, old looking faces this year.

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