To think I'm never going to look good again?

[stilltiredinthemorning]

I'm 43 in a couple of months. I've never been beautiful, but have always looked quite young for my age, had nice skin, decent haircuts and a good sense of style. In the last couple of years I barely recognise myself. I've gained a lot of weight (and was always a bit chubby) and my face just looks AWFUL. It's hard to describe but it's sort of puffy and saggy and everything points downwards making me look pissed off. None of my nice clothes fit me anymore, no amount of make up helps, even my hands look horrible! I feel like it's happened so suddenly...

I've tried losing weight but even when quite strict I don't seem to shift a single pound (and I need to lose at least 2 stone to make a proper difference).

So, I'm wondering, is, that it now? Should I just give up because I'm kind of realising that things are only going to get worse! I never thought I'd age so badly, but I guess some people do. All my friends still seem to be looking pretty good and all of a sudden I feel like a fat middle aged women (which I am I guess!). All the sorts of clothes I used to wear and haircuts, jewellery etc. somehow just look 'wacky' now. I have no idea what to wear, how to do my make-up or my hair or anything - complete identity crisis!!!

How tall are you? I'm 5'5 and 39.The only way I can lose weight is sticking to 1400 cals per day. Tough but true.

You will never look as good again as you did last year. No, that's not true. You will never look as young again. But there's no reason why you can't look good.

You have to get used to your changing body, and a change in colours that you can wear. But there's going to be a lot of changes from now on. For example, skin loses its elasticity - what this means in practice is that where you have loose skin, eg insides of elbows, back of hands, you can push it around and it stays put, it doesn't bounce back. Your pubic hairs will re-locate to your chin. Your eyebrows will develop unruly bristles. It won't happen to you just yet - I'm 20 years older than you. But you do need to be prepared to keep re-learning.

All the sorts of clothes I used to wear and haircuts, jewellery etc. somehow just look 'wacky' now. I have no idea what to wear, how to do my make-up or my hair or anything - complete identity crisis!!!

There it is. It’s not about ageing. You’ve just lost your look and need to find a new one. It happens to us all every 15 years.

You know what I’m going to suggest: look on Pinterest for outfit ideas and find fashion influencers for outfit ideas. When shops are open again, go to John Lewis and book a session with a personal shopper. Get a different haircut and have a makeover at a Bobbi Brown counter.

You’ll feel better when your weight gets back to normal. Forget strict calorie reductions, just knock off the sugar and processed stuff and try to eat fresh stuff that you’ve prepared yourself from scratch. Good luck.

Love the first response to your op.

Weight. Prioritise your weight. You were me a year ago, we’re a similar age. I’ve lost 3 stone this year by sticking to 1200 calories and I’m just about starting to like what I see again.

Alternista I agree with you and some of the other posters. Just cutting out the rubbish and moving more isn't going to cut it. 1200 calories a day though 😭. Can I ask how you manage social events?? Now that it looks like lockdown will be slowly lifting we would generally see friends and family for lunch/dinner etc at the weekends and I'd maybe go out once a week with a friend. All my friends and family are slim, literally every single one of them and they're not always very supportive, not in an unkind way, but just in that 'just eat less pudding and go for a walk and the weight will melt off' way..

Over lockdown, for 2 months I did the 16:8 diet, gave up alcohol, all sweet stuff, crisps pastry etc and ate 3 portion controlled healthy meals a day - I didn't lose a single pound!

Health mot firstly- thyroid esp to see if that’s affecting weight loss.

New clothing and find your style as you’ve gotten older. Jewellery helps too. Get haircut and done when you can and think about ongoing maintenance.

Decent skincare. Get yourself to style and beauty awards.

Style and beauty board

Just cutting out the rubbish and moving more isn't going to cut it. 1200 calories a day though

I’ll tell you what isn’t going to cut it: reducing your calorie intake to an unsustainable level. Your body will start fighting to hold on to its fat stores and you’ll end up at a higher weight than you are at now if you get into a cycle of strict dieting then returning to a more normal way of eating.

If you eat better food and cut out the junk your body will settle at a lower and healthier weight. It’s not going to be ‘lose 3 stone in 2 months’ though.

It will when you come off the starvation diet, which is what I said. Unless you would like the OP to live on 1200 calories for the rest of her life?

I was always quite attractive I think, put on a bit of weight when I had first two DC but lost it, after my third pregnancy (twins, put on lots of weight) I didn’t lose it and for most of my 30’s and 40’s I completely lost myself in health problems and sibling/family problems, leading to depression and huge weight gain, continuous vicious cycle.

I have quite severe long term health problems and felt exercise would be painful and hard so I was reluctant to do any. My medical issues genuinely do cause me pain and always will but what I wouldn’t accept was how much worse I was making it for myself by being so overweight. I could hardly even get up the stairs. I comfort ate and though I was so embarrassed and thoroughly miserable I had no motivation.

In May 2019 as I was about to turn 50 things just clicked. I felt real sense of mortality and that I had to do something to make myself feel better and I was galvanised into action 😊.

I started healthy eating, it is/was a diet, but really is a complete change of attitude to food. I joined a gym with a pool, started swimming and using the cross trainer first. When Covid broke I started walking and gradually built stamina. The more the weight came off the easier the exercise was and the less it hurt. By summer last year I had lost a lot, bought new clothes, started really looking after my skin and hair. I was feeling so much better mentally and physically and regaining some confidence.

Then in June I had a shock diagnosis of breast cancer. I was really thrown by it initially, feeling what the hell was the point. But actually all that weight loss put me in a much healthier position to have the operations I needed safely and recover better. September last year I had a mastectomy and reconstruction and after a few months of recovery I’m doing well, still have another recon op to go and taking anti cancer meds long term which are a bit grim but I can imagine how much worse it would be at my old weight. I didn’t want to ‘undo’ any of the work so I continued walking when I felt well enough and was more careful with eating over Christmas and in January I got back on course to lose the last couple of stone.

I have now lost nearly 9 1/2 stone in total, a few lb’s off a healthy bmi with a bit under a stone to go to my ‘goal’ weight. I’m really enjoying buying clothes. I couldn’t bear to before, I couldn’t even look in the mirror.

I use retinol, face peels and good anti ageing products. I use hair treatments and look after my nails and have whitened my teeth, all have helped. I’m considering some salon treatments when they open back up, maybe laser, but nothing surgical, I may not do it but I’m open to it. I want to look good, hopefully young for my age but natural too. I’m 51, I’ve got 5 DC, stretch marks from twins, some saggy skin from weight loss 😳, a mutant boob, I’m realistic, and I won’t ever look as young again or be the weight I was at 20, but actually I can still look good and dress well. I’m sad at the years I missed not enjoying life but feeling good about where I am now. My overall appearance is definitely important to my self esteem but my main focus is health.

I didn’t mean that to all come out, sorry for length 😊 but the key thing for me, with the weight loss, apart from when I was in active cancer treatment, is that I have stayed really motivated and focused and been very consistent with it. If you’re trying to lose weight and ‘can’t’ there is a reason, and even if you think you’re eating well, at the end of the day you are taking in more calories than you are using and you need to look again at that. There will be a reason there.

Also switching from ‘mum’ mode, caring for everyone else, never having time for me, not wanting to waste ‘family’ money on me mentality, to actively making time for self care and choosing to invest time, money and care into me without feeling guilty. It’s a conscious change.

@stilltiredinthemorning

Over lockdown, for 2 months I did the 16:8 diet, gave up alcohol, all sweet stuff, crisps pastry etc and ate 3 portion controlled healthy meals a day - I didn't lose a single pound!

As a PP suggest definitely ask your GP for a thyroid function test.

I’m nearly 20 years older than you and I am sad that as a 40 something you think it’s downhill all the way. It’s hard with small children.
Definitely prioritise sleep and get into good self care.
I don’t personally think Botox is the way to go. Sleep, good diet and plenty of water.
I lost 2 stone at a similar age to you and kept most of it off. I made some time for me and bought clothes to suit me. I found John Lewis personal shopping to be good. You don’t need to buy anything but take photos and make a wish list. Also find your best colours. Look on Pinterest for ideas.
Suncream is also very important. I don’t have a major skincare routine but I always wear SPF50 on my face and hands. That is not foundation with SPF15 in it.
Alcohol - I don’t drink generally except when I’m socialising.

Sorry that was a bit long. Good luck

@DestinyIsAll, what a great and inspiring post. Thank you.

Sounds as if you need to give yourself a break. As others have said, I'm sure you look better than you think. If you have a nice skin, with the right skin care products you your skin can feel good again. Likewise, with your hair, once the hairdressers open again (not long now) you can get a new style, which might give you a life. I can relate to the feeling that you're never going to look as good again, I recently saw a photo of myself at 30. At the time, I though the girls I worked with pitied me for not being very attractive, I was surprised by how good I looked in the photo. I'm someone who will never be beautiful, I've got quite a noticeable eye problem, which means I'll never be photogenic which doesn't help. I'm also fair skinned and not at all good at pulling off the natural look.
For me the key (think I finally realised this in my late 30s, I'm now 46) is finding my own personal style. Think its Iris Apfel, that said 'You're not pretty, and you'll never be pretty. But it doesn't matter. You have something much better. You have style. That has become my mantra. I may be pale, naturally off blonde and a bit pear shaped, but I dye my hair turquoise and I get a lot of compliments about it. I wear funky clothes and do my make up nicely. For me this works, despite being peri menopausal and feeling quite rubbish a lot of the time. As a starting point, why not treat yourself to a new lipstick in a different colour (know its harder to try things out at the moment), you could pick one up in the Supermarket or order online. Also try and wear clothes in colours that suit you. It can give you a boost.

As for weight, a few of us have got a weight loss thread going (currently Frolicking February, soon to be Mindful March), where we are trying to loose weight by various methods. There's no judgement, people have varying amounts of weight to lose and are doing so by various methods.

Good luck

Sorry should have proof read, I meant to say give you a lift about getting your hair done, not give you a life.

the info you gave about your body holding onto fat stores is incorrect. There is numerous info it there supporting this.

I think that you should Google for some of the scientific studies about the effect of severe calorie restriction on the basal metabolic rate.

OP I've had a few phases in my life where I've looked puffy/grey/miserable and then been ok again.
Guessing lack of sleep is a main contributor. At 5 and 3 you should be nearing a point where that eases.
Drink lots of water, watch your diet. Try an exercise you enjoy. Maybe when lockdown ends you can hunt out some new outfits/makeup?
I occasionally get botox and think if helps.
Remember, your friends may be feeling similarly!

I really sympathise op I'm 46 and felt I just aged very suddenly about 2 years ago. People stopped being astonished when I told them my age! I like at pics from when I was 40/41 and wonder what the hell happened. My main issue is my hair it's gone very thin and fine and just won't grow. I really want it longer again but it never gets past shoulder length and the back is a frizzy disaster.

What I have found helpful is wearing clothes that are "me" I had a bit of an identity crisis in my 30s after having dcs and bought stuff I thought I should wear as all the other mums were wearing it. However it was frumpy and not my style. Also the hair thing I had it cut quite short as I fell for the mantra about too long hair being aging, quite the opposite short hair can look great but it can also be very aging. It's my biggest regret as now it refuses to grow!!
I do invest in high quality decent skin care. Retinols, facial peel masks, decent serum etc. I prioritise this over all other self care. It's made a massive difference. I really would advise it. Also bright lipstick from a decent brand, not beige or neutral, those actually suit very few people.