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Original poster

My ASD son is singled out as disabled, meanwhile his relatives ASD is kept a secret

97 replies

Mysonisnottheoddoneout · 27/02/2021 13:01

My DS is three and has been diagnosed with autism, he received the diagnosis just before his third birthday because I noticed signs very early on and pushed for early intervention.

Me and DH have long suspected that he is on the spectrum too. DS being assessed and subsequently diagnosed confirmed that to us, alongside the fact that his older son from a previous relationship (8) is currently on the diagnosis pathway for ASD himself as he is very clearly on the spectrum too.

So that's (at least) three members of the family that have autism.

You wouldn't know that though because my DS is the only one that people think is disabled.

DH's ex has never told DSS why he's going to these appointments or needed speech therapy, he's oblivious to the fact he's autistic.

He (and my other DSS) know about my DS having autism though and as such he's looked at as different / disabled and they treat him like a pariah.

If DS is having a meltdown when my step children are round DH will explain to his two sons that DS is struggling with sensory overload / transitioning because of his autism.

When DSS has a meltdown or struggles with transitioning he's just 'upset'

The fact his ASD is being kept from DSS is detrimental anyway in my opinion, shouldn't he know and be able to understand why he struggles with certain things.

FIL came round this morning and we were chatting, he was telling me about his previous nextdoor neighbour who's son had ASD and a learning disability, and how hard it was for the parents who had to call the emergency services multiple times when the young man went into meltdown and smashed up the house.

He said he hopes for our sake (me, DH and DS) that DS doesn't struggle so badly when he gets older.

Meanwhile his son (DH) is stood there nodding along, knowing he's on the spectrum and knowing DSS is too, yet does nothing to point out that actually that may not happen because he doesn't have outbursts like that.

AIBU to be pissed off that my DS' autism is public knowledge yet the others autism is a secret?

My son is not the odd one out Sad

OP posts:
UhtredRagnarson · 27/02/2021 13:04

DH's ex has never told DSS why he's going to these appointments or needed speech therapy, he's oblivious to the fact he's autistic.

Well aside from the fact the child doesn’t have an ASD diagnosis yet- what’s stopping your DH telling his child he might Be on the spectrum?

x2boys · 27/02/2021 13:06

Well autism is a massive spectrum and affects everyone differently,some people don't feel that they being autistic is a disability to them and view it quite positively ,my son is massively impacted by autism and learning disabilities so for him it very much is a disability,.

Original poster
Mysonisnottheoddoneout · 27/02/2021 13:09

Well aside from the fact the child doesn’t have an ASD diagnosis yet- what’s stopping your DH telling his child he might Be on the spectrum?

I have asked that question myself, he said he "doesn't know" why he hasn't said anything.

Yes DSS doesn't have a formal diagnosis yet but that's only because the pathway can take years to get through. He was referred alot later than my DS.

He's already receiving support on the basis that ASD is extremely likely.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mysonisnottheoddoneout · 27/02/2021 13:10

DSS was exactly the same as DS when he was three. They are so alike.

It's glaringly obvious to anybody who knows the signs that DSS has it.

Yet DS is "weird" because he has autism and is seen as the odd one out.

OP posts:
UhtredRagnarson · 27/02/2021 13:13

Ok. Let’s assume DSS is on the spectrum. It’s up to his parents what information they share with others about him. You made the decision for your child and decided to tell people. They get to make the decision for their child.

Original poster
Mysonisnottheoddoneout · 27/02/2021 13:14

To be honest I think DH and his ex are ashamed of it. DH for sure.

I on the other hand don't think there's anything to be ashamed of so I won't hide it from DS or anybody else for that matter.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mysonisnottheoddoneout · 27/02/2021 13:15

@UhtredRagnarson

Ok. Let’s assume DSS is on the spectrum. It’s up to his parents what information they share with others about him. You made the decision for your child and decided to tell people. They get to make the decision for their child.
DH is happy to talk to people about DS struggles but won't talk about DSS having the same ones, so whilst I agree it's down to DS parents that includes DH and he has a double standard.
OP posts:
Pinkdelight3 · 27/02/2021 13:15

Sounds hard, but it's up to DSS's parents how they deal with him and from what I can tell, there aren't diagnoses for DH or DSS so you can't say it's being kept secret when it's not actually a thing. It's more suspicions you have and so fair enough for others not to share them. They shouldn't treat your DS like a pariah though. Can you deal with that aspect without making it about who else may or may not be autistic?

Happycat1212 · 27/02/2021 13:16

Omg you’ve posted this before, you seem obsessed with wanting to get the other child diagnosed, it’s really unhealthy!

Originalusername2021 · 27/02/2021 13:19

It sounds as if they need more education about ASD and how it effects everyone differently, hopefully that will come in time.

user1936784158962 · 27/02/2021 13:19

Is there something wrong with being disabled?

Limpshade · 27/02/2021 13:20

This is all very strange.

What is the need to label DSS? As you say, he is on the pathway to diagnosis; HE DOESN'T HAVE A DIAGNOSIS YET.

I have a child with ASD. I am very open about that; that is my choice as a parent. Some people are more private. That is their choice. Please just back off for everybody's sake.

Original poster
Mysonisnottheoddoneout · 27/02/2021 13:20

@Happycat1212

Omg you’ve posted this before, you seem obsessed with wanting to get the other child diagnosed, it’s really unhealthy!
I couldn't care less about getting him diagnosed, I'm sick of my DS being treat as different when actually he's not the only one.
OP posts:
Originalusername2021 · 27/02/2021 13:21

Can you specify how he’s being treated differently?

Happycat1212 · 27/02/2021 13:22

Well you’ve posted this before and in the last thread you seemed to desperately want your DSS to be autistic too so that it wasn’t just your child, you seemed to be struggling to deal with the fact your son had been diagnosed and your dss hadn’t so you wanted him to be diagnosed too. You seem to be the one with the issues and constantly comparing them.

Limpshade · 27/02/2021 13:22

From your OP it sounds as though your son is being treated with more understanding than anything, rather than being treated "differently". You say you feel DH is ashamed of DS's ASD and actually this fixation with labels makes me think that you are too.

Love them both; support them both.

Originalusername2021 · 27/02/2021 13:23

Saying he’s having sensory overload seams more understanding than saying he’s just upset.

UhtredRagnarson · 27/02/2021 13:23

so whilst I agree it's down to DS parents that includes DH and he has a double standard.

Or maybe he has a different agreement with his ex than he has with you. Also- your son has a diagnosis, his other child doesn’t. He is parenting his children with two different people- there will be differences. You can’t expect it to be exactly the same.

Happycat1212 · 27/02/2021 13:23

And if he hasn’t been diagnosed yet then why should they tell him he is autistic? My sons waiting for a diagnosis and he has been waiting 2 years I haven’t said he is autistic and I don’t tell people he is because he isn’t diagnosed!

DietrichandDiMaggio · 27/02/2021 13:25

The issue is members of your family having a negative attitude towards disability, rather than them not recognising that your son isn't the only person in the family with a disability. You come across as somehow thinking your son's diagnosis is shameful, and that you don't think it's fair that he's the only one being shamed for it.

Sahm101 · 27/02/2021 13:26

Op why don't you look at it another way. Everyone who is aware of your dss will be more considerate to his sensory environment and when he is not coping. When people are aware they are able to make considerations. Why are you looking at this as a negative thing. What your dh and his ex decide has nothing to do with you.

MissBaskinIfYoureNasty · 27/02/2021 13:27

My 8 year old doesn't know he is diagnosed with ASD 🤷‍♀️ having him aware of a label wouldn't change how we parent him or manage his behaviour. A 3yo needs to be treated differently to an 8yo anyway so it's a bit of a silly argument.

Merryoldgoat · 27/02/2021 13:28

My 8yo DS has autism and was diagnosed at 5. We told him very soon after diagnosis and I think it was very beneficial. It allows him to understand why he might not like some things or find them difficult.

They are doing your DSS a massive disservice by keeping his difficulties a secret.

Nearlyhalfterm · 27/02/2021 13:31

It's absolutely not your right to tell DH he should be telling everyone his older son is autistic. It doesn't mean he is ashamed of him or has double standards. It is up to the 8 year old whether he wants that information shared and who with as he is old enough to be involved in that decision. Don't BS that you see nothing wrong with being autistic as if you genuinely do then why do you need it pointed out the 8 year old is autistic as a way of justifying your three year old being? Is it to point out it is clearly the genetic fault of the paternal family so fil knows it isn't your fault? And yes I do get it, I have a child who is autistic and has had challenging behaviour. I'm absolutely not ashamed of it and try to support people to understand it, but I also strongly believe that every autistic person can make that decision for themselves if old enough, and if they aren't the parents can decide. Your need does not trump the decision made by your DH and his son's mother.

Original poster
Mysonisnottheoddoneout · 27/02/2021 13:32

@Originalusername2021

Can you specify how he’s being treated differently?
Sure.

He is spoken about as the disabled one, by the IL's for starters. There is no malice in it, just ignorance because they have one image of autism in their mind.

He's spoken to and treat like a baby as though he doesn't understand anything when actually he has a pretty good level of understanding.

His siblings will happily play with my other child who is less interactive actually, but they push DS out all of the time and virtually ignore him for the duration of time spent together.

DS having a diagnosis of ASD has given the other children an excuse to leave him out and not bother with him because he's "weird"

If he's struggling "it's his autism again" but if DSS or DH are having a bad day then it's just that. A bad day.

He is without a doubt treat differently and it hurts.

OP posts:
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