My ASD son is singled out as disabled, meanwhile his relatives ASD is kept a secret

[Mysonisnottheoddoneout]

My DS is three and has been diagnosed with autism, he received the diagnosis just before his third birthday because I noticed signs very early on and pushed for early intervention.

Me and DH have long suspected that he is on the spectrum too. DS being assessed and subsequently diagnosed confirmed that to us, alongside the fact that his older son from a previous relationship (8) is currently on the diagnosis pathway for ASD himself as he is very clearly on the spectrum too.

So that's (at least) three members of the family that have autism.

You wouldn't know that though because my DS is the only one that people think is disabled.

DH's ex has never told DSS why he's going to these appointments or needed speech therapy, he's oblivious to the fact he's autistic.

He (and my other DSS) know about my DS having autism though and as such he's looked at as different / disabled and they treat him like a pariah.

If DS is having a meltdown when my step children are round DH will explain to his two sons that DS is struggling with sensory overload / transitioning because of his autism.

When DSS has a meltdown or struggles with transitioning he's just 'upset'

The fact his ASD is being kept from DSS is detrimental anyway in my opinion, shouldn't he know and be able to understand why he struggles with certain things.

FIL came round this morning and we were chatting, he was telling me about his previous nextdoor neighbour who's son had ASD and a learning disability, and how hard it was for the parents who had to call the emergency services multiple times when the young man went into meltdown and smashed up the house.

He said he hopes for our sake (me, DH and DS) that DS doesn't struggle so badly when he gets older.

Meanwhile his son (DH) is stood there nodding along, knowing he's on the spectrum and knowing DSS is too, yet does nothing to point out that actually that may not happen because he doesn't have outbursts like that.

AIBU to be pissed off that my DS' autism is public knowledge yet the others autism is a secret?

My son is not the odd one out

You have a DH problem 🤷🏽‍♀️

If im reading it right she wants them treated equally not drag dss down but put ds up so they are on the same level?

Absolutely this.

I'm having a hard time believing some posters actually believe I want DSS to be treat badly but then again the wicked step mother narrative never fails to make an appearance on MN.

@RandomMess

You have a DH problem 🤷🏽‍♀️

I do indeed.

He's happy to tell everybody my DS is autistic but not so quick to talk about his own ASD which he says he has with such certainty.

@EYProvider

This website has a disproportionate number of commenters whose children have autism. I find it extraordinary. If Mumsnet was a representative snapshot of society, the country would be bankrupt with the amount of money it was paying out to support all these kids with autism - at least 1 in 2, going by every other post on Mumsnet.

I have owned a nursery for 20 years, and in that time, must have had hundreds, if not thousands, of children on roll. I can think of maybe 10-15 children in 20 years who were either diagnosed with autism (rare in the under 5 age group) or had traits that might lead one to suspect autism. It’s not that common.

I just do not understand how there can be so many parents of autistic children posting comments on one website.

Or maybe the posters with autistic children are more likely to post on threads about autism...

Next time FIL says something just say "yes just like DH and DSS as well"

My mind boggles at the mental gymnastics your "D"H is doing to keep the facade going.

There's an interesting thread here on whether or not to tell a child they have autism.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4090670-Do-you-think-a-6-year-old-needs-to-know-he-has-autism-and-be-taught-about-it?msgid=102102425

My Awesome Autism is a highly recommended book.

I’ve just ordered that book - it will be good to have a positive message for DS rather than the negative.

Your DH letting his son call your joint son weird and treating him differently because of his autism is wrong for both of them.

How does he think his son will react when he does get his diagnosis? He'll then think he's a weirdo etc.

Your DH is being shit.

Could your DH be struggling to deal with the knowledge that not only is he likely on the spectrum himself, but the reason both of his children are struggling with it as well? hence the silence for as long as possible...

I asked DH over dinner why he hasn't told his parents he believes he's autistic, he said it's because FIL wouldn't believe it.

I asked what he meant by that and he said FIL has a preconceived idea of what autism is and he doesn't fit that, so he wouldn't believe it.

He referred to FIL saying "He's just mental" when he was talking about his brothers poor mental health and whether he'd been diagnosed with anything. He has, but to FIL he's just "mental"

Personally I think people should challenge the stigma but there we are.

@TheyIsMyFamily

Could your DH be struggling to deal with the knowledge that not only is he likely on the spectrum himself, but the reason both of his children are struggling with it as well? hence the silence for as long as possible...

He says he has accepted being autistic and doesn't feel guilty at all about the children having it, not that he ever should mind.

I understand your protectiveness of your son but think about it, the real victims of the family dynamic are your DH and DSS. They aren’t receiving the support they deserve because of the prejudice of your FIL.

Your poor DH has had to grow up in such a prejudiced environment, he thinks he’s protecting his son by keeping his diagnosis a secret. It isn’t about throwing your son under the bus but rather an act of self protection.

Rather than point the finger at your DH, be an example by correcting and challenging your FIL’s myopic views.

Your son is lucky to have you fighting his corner, your DH never had that support and it must have be incredibly difficult growing up with such negativity.

[quote EYProvider]**@Tal45* and @Merryoldgoat*

How can a child possibly be diagnosed with autism in 10 minutes and by one educational psychologist?

For a diagnosis of autism to be reliable, there have to be at least two professionals (who work for the NHS as well as privately) carrying out an assessment, which takes several hours.

If children are being diagnosed in 10 minutes by one educational psychologist, no wonder so many on here have autism.

This is not a criticism of the OP, by the way, just an observation.[/quote]
Well if someone is an expert in autism (which many children are never seen by), depending on the child and where they are on the spectrum, it's perfectly conceivable that they can diagnose almost at first sight.

I can actually sympathise with your DH not wanting to tell his parents. I never told mine even when I got my diagnosis. It takes a lot of energy being autistic and this is just one challenge that I've never had the energy for.

It's often very difficult for some autistic people to challenge others, but your dh needs to try to find some strategies to help him to stand up for your ds. Has your dh made any connections with autistic groups or forums? He might find them helpful.

For goodness sake.

Obviously he wasn’t seen only then.

He was seen by EPs at school, OT, SALT over time. Then he had his assessment at CAMHS and whilst 2 EPs did the assessment with him another sat with us and did questionnaires - the one with us was the senior EP. He buggered off, reviewed the findings and then had 15 mins with him.

Obviously he didn’t meet him and the diagnosis was made in 15 mins the first time.

Don’t wilfully misunderstand things.

@AgentJohnson

I understand your protectiveness of your son but think about it, the real victims of the family dynamic are your DH and DSS. They aren’t receiving the support they deserve because of the prejudice of your FIL.

Your poor DH has had to grow up in such a prejudiced environment, he thinks he’s protecting his son by keeping his diagnosis a secret. It isn’t about throwing your son under the bus but rather an act of self protection.

Rather than point the finger at your DH, be an example by correcting and challenging your FIL’s myopic views.

Your son is lucky to have you fighting his corner, your DH never had that support and it must have be incredibly difficult growing up with such negativity.

Thank you, I agree with alot that you've said.

You are right about FIL.

DSS is getting the support he needs in school which is wonderful, they have made adjustments for him where needed and he gets alot of 1-1.

DH didn't have that and his schooling and self esteem really suffered as a result. It is shit that he doesn't feel able to speak to his own father about his neurodiversity.

Has your dh made any connections with autistic groups or forums? He might find them helpful.

He hasn't no. He isn't one for talking online and isn't a fan of MN either as he doesn't agree with telling strangers your business

I have gently suggested he might benefit from speaking to other adults on the spectrum but he doesn't want to so I won't force it.

Your DS sounds like the lucky one, he is understood.

If other people are being arseholes, that's because they're arseholes. Pity them, ignore them, despise them, as you will.

@EYProvider

This website has a disproportionate number of commenters whose children have autism. I find it extraordinary. If Mumsnet was a representative snapshot of society, the country would be bankrupt with the amount of money it was paying out to support all these kids with autism - at least 1 in 2, going by every other post on Mumsnet.

I have owned a nursery for 20 years, and in that time, must have had hundreds, if not thousands, of children on roll. I can think of maybe 10-15 children in 20 years who were either diagnosed with autism (rare in the under 5 age group) or had traits that might lead one to suspect autism. It’s not that common.

I just do not understand how there can be so many parents of autistic children posting comments on one website.

You own a nursery? Good god.

Just a suggestion in regards to dealing
If your DH is worried about how DSS will be viewed/treated may be worthwhile separating some aspects and their solutions
As an example ear defenders for assistance with loud noises. Get your DH to see it as something anyone does in loud situations so builders using drills for example. And explain some people have sensitive hearing so wear them at other times too. Just like wearing noise cancelling headphones when out and about (technique used by parents of children who don’t want to be seen as different)
So if comments made when your DS wears his just say that many people wear them for so many different reasons.

It is hard but the challenging of what is ingrained ignorance takes time and persistence. What’s harder is helping someone come to terms with their diagnosis especially if they are surrounded by people who are rude and dismissive and see them as less. There are many famous people who have admitted being neuro-diverse on social media to try to help with the stigma. In our case we ended up making the decision to distance our child from less supportive family members.

If your stepchildren are excluding your child and calling him weird, and in-laws are referring to him as ‘the disabled one’ and calling mentally ill people ‘mental’ I don’t think getting other family members diagnosed as autistic will help. They aren’t likely to suddenly become understanding and respectful people, they’ll just start ostracising your husband and stepson as being ‘mental’ as well.

Honestly I don’t know what I’d do here. Your stepsons are behaving horribly but it’s hardly surprising, given that they see their own grandfather modelling this behaviour.

To be honest I think DH and his ex are ashamed of it. DH for sure.
It doesn't make any sense to be "ashamed" of one child's struggles but not the others?