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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu?

31 replies

Wide · 26/02/2021 12:37

Will try and keep this brief. A year ago myself and dh split up due to his financial lies, it was horrendous during the split and I was so sad and just wnated my family back together, we have 2dc. During this break while I was crying he chose this time to go and grt out another finance car he'd had one years before and the debt got wiped so to take another one out was selfish and stupid, i refused to get back with him but then in the end we did get back together. The car is £400 a month with insurance we are no high earnersxless than 30k and on universal credits. Dh has always dropped in i only work oart time and should do more etc I said when we got back together the deal is don't tell me to work full time when we would have £400 spare a month if it wasn't for his car so no i won't work extra and not do school runs, I want to be there for the kids, no judging to other full time workers.

Fast forward a year husband is on the sick with a hernia and I got made redundant, found anither job but that also went wrong again due to lockdown, so he's on the sick for at least another 6 months and I have been doing private cleaning and have started a little cake business to bring extra money in. Money is tight we have nothing spare and I haven't taken any money for myself in months, he has! We've argued today because he's said I now should work full time seeing as he is off and can do thr school runs but my argument is had we not got £400 to pay on a car we would have that spare do why should I work full time?? He's gona crazy at me shouting i won't do anything for the family when it's down, I'm bone idle I won't work for us. This was all infront of the kids, how vile. Can I add he isn't a husband that does much round the house, doesn't cook, doesn't put washing on its an ongoing argument for him to get out of bed, he would stay in bed til 2pm everyday if he could. So am I wrong for refusing to work full time?

OP posts:
Peanutbutterblood · 26/02/2021 12:41

Theres a lot going on here. Honestly what positives do you get from him? Personally it sounds like youd be better off without him and his debt

I dont work full time and wont as like you I want to be around for our children however dh is more then happy with this and works incredibly hard. However if he could not work and was then going to be around for the kids I probably would up my hours

In your shoes though I'd have to make sure dh was going to up his game and do housework while at home

2typesofjungle · 26/02/2021 12:42

I don't think either of you sound grown up enough to have a family.

Original poster
Wide · 26/02/2021 12:44

@2typesofjungle well i will give the kids back then!

OP posts:
abstractzebra · 26/02/2021 12:44

You do all the work and he shouts at you and is irresponsible with money?
I would think you would be better off without him.
I'm a bit sceptical about the amount of time he has been signed off for a hernia. I'm not a medical professional but I thought it was a fairly quick recovery unless something has gone wrong that you haven't mentioned.
He could do light duties surely?
He sounds awful and I think I'd be daydreaming of a peaceful life without him!

mainsfed · 26/02/2021 12:45

Leave him. Send the car back.

LuaDipa · 26/02/2021 12:48

He does sound a bit as though he wants everything his own way. He shouldn’t be spending on himself if money is scarce and he absolutely should pull his weight more around the house. It isn’t just about taking the kids to school, although that will get him out of bed, if you work ft he will need to pick up housework too. That being said, you do work for yourself so you could easily work more hours and I think you should consider this for at least the next 6 months as he is ill and can’t help that.

MyLittleOrangutan · 26/02/2021 12:48

Get rid. I doubt the kids are enjoying all this arguing and you dont seem to like eachother so why are you together?

LabCoatPocket · 26/02/2021 12:48

I think whatever your view of full or part-time work is, this is a case of needs must. Your family needs money. You are capable of earning and providing.

You have lost respect for your husband, understandably, and in your shoes I would leave.

However, I would not let my desire to remain part time impact how well I could feed and clothe my children, if I did have the opportunity to earn and improve things.

Additionally, the car debt is his. Don't pay it. You are not obligated to.

2typesofjungle · 26/02/2021 12:50

I think you'll struggle to send the kids back, but you could send the car back.

If you want to stay with this man and the car back, get a job and provide for your family until he is fully recovered and can work. Put together a list of tasks each parent is responsible for and have at it.

If you don't want to stay with this man, leave him and his car, take the children and start life without him.

MuddleMoo · 26/02/2021 12:55

I don't think you should have got back together with this man. It sounds toxic for the kids.

You might have to work full time to earn enough to look after your kids if he won't.

MuddleMoo · 26/02/2021 12:55

Don't pay for his car though

DynamoKev · 26/02/2021 13:02

Subject fail YABU

LIZS · 26/02/2021 13:04

Unless his job is physical he should be able to work now in some shape or form. Can he even drive this car? What does his employer say? How can you go out to work leaving him to do childcare if he does sweet fa with you around. Send the car back, ask for a settlement figure, but your bigger problem is your h.

Aprilx · 26/02/2021 13:07

I think you are both at fault here, him more than you certainly, but you need to step up here. He currently cannot work, so your family needs you to. You can sell / send back the car as well if you want.

ElizaLaLa · 26/02/2021 13:14

@Wide

Will try and keep this brief. A year ago myself and dh split up due to his financial lies, it was horrendous during the split and I was so sad and just wnated my family back together, we have 2dc. During this break while I was crying he chose this time to go and grt out another finance car he'd had one years before and the debt got wiped so to take another one out was selfish and stupid, i refused to get back with him but then in the end we did get back together. The car is £400 a month with insurance we are no high earnersxless than 30k and on universal credits. Dh has always dropped in i only work oart time and should do more etc I said when we got back together the deal is don't tell me to work full time when we would have £400 spare a month if it wasn't for his car so no i won't work extra and not do school runs, I want to be there for the kids, no judging to other full time workers.

Fast forward a year husband is on the sick with a hernia and I got made redundant, found anither job but that also went wrong again due to lockdown, so he's on the sick for at least another 6 months and I have been doing private cleaning and have started a little cake business to bring extra money in. Money is tight we have nothing spare and I haven't taken any money for myself in months, he has! We've argued today because he's said I now should work full time seeing as he is off and can do thr school runs but my argument is had we not got £400 to pay on a car we would have that spare do why should I work full time?? He's gona crazy at me shouting i won't do anything for the family when it's down, I'm bone idle I won't work for us. This was all infront of the kids, how vile. Can I add he isn't a husband that does much round the house, doesn't cook, doesn't put washing on its an ongoing argument for him to get out of bed, he would stay in bed til 2pm everyday if he could. So am I wrong for refusing to work full time?

You're wrong for staying with him. Kick his lazy entitled arse out, ffs.
Northofsomewhere · 26/02/2021 13:28

It does definitely sound like there's more problems then just finances here.

If he can't work and is signed off sick then I think you need to try and fill the gap financially as it should be temporary. Is it covid preventing treatment such as surgery? Also, if you were sick and unable to earn how would you expect your partner to react? Would you expect him to continue as before or to try and cover the difference?

Regarding the car, surely the family is benefitting from it in some way? Is he able to work a high income job or access a wide range of jobs as he has transport? As a family (pre-covid) travel further to experience hobbies or family time? What I'm trying to get across is presumably the family is benefitting from having access to a car financially and socially.

It does sound like if you removed the genders from the individuals, person a working part time and person b off sick. Then person a would be told to up their income to cover the shortfall financially until person b could work again.

If there's also a conflict over how much people should work then there needs to be compromise. It's ok saying you want to stay home with the kids as much as possible (you don't list ages) but when the family is struggling financially then both parents should be considering how to improve this and what the potential consequences are (financially, child care, socially) but acknowledge that putting pressure on one to be the main earner against their wishes could cause resentment.

I think you need to have some serious talks as a couple about where you see yourselves in the future and if you should have gotten back together. You don't sound like a partnership or like you're on the same page in regards to finances and family life.

notthemum · 26/02/2021 13:32

I had gall bladder, gall stones removed and a hernia operation all at the same time. Doctors said I should have two weeks off including the week of the op. I was doing quite a physical job.
However OP. Your dh is not a good person. He lies constantly, he is not prepared to take any responsibility for his children, he won't help you.
He wanted the car and if anyone is paying for it it should be him.
He is selfish, he doesn't care about you or the children. He is unkind to you and appears to be blaming you for all the difficulties that you are experiencing . I honestly cannot see what you get out of this relationship. However i do know that it is hard to just leave, but please try to look to the future would you be happy for your children to be in the position that you are in ?
Think carefully before you allow him to bully you into missing out on time with your children oh and if you need/want something for you or the children Bloody have it. Sod him. 💐

FuckyouCovid21 · 26/02/2021 13:38

If he can't work, is saying that he'll do the school runs and you are capable of getting a full time job then that's what I'd do. He needs to either send the car back or pay for it himself though.

Of course it would be nice to stay home for the kids but you going out working is probably the best thing for your family right now

Cocomarine · 26/02/2021 13:38

I voted YABU because it was your choice to get back with him, and it’s your choice to stay with him. And for both of those things YABU.

I actually think it’s all very well wanting to take your children to school, but actually no - one personal doesn’t get to decide unilaterally that the other has to be the full time worker to pay for that choice. But in your case - you should never have got back together with him.

Brefugee · 26/02/2021 13:41

Why did you go back? Presumably you thought it worth it, so what has changed?

Frankly? You knew about the car and you must have had an inkling about not being able to keep up payments so I think you are being a bit U to categorically refuse to work more. Your children need you to step up because their father won't.

Find out how to send the car back, then strike out on your own.

DinosaurDigestive · 26/02/2021 13:46

I have had numerous ops for many different things and a hernia op does have a quick recovery time.

I completely agree with @notthemum

You do not deserve to be treated like that and shouted at and put down. Particularly in front of your children. They shouldn't have to witnese this.

He should not have got the car. I wouldn't be paying towards his car.

mrsm43s · 26/02/2021 14:09

Well obviously you should work full time if you are capable of doing so and your family needs the money, which it sounds like it does.

Your DH sounds like a twat, though. However, you cannot refuse to work full time for the rest of your life based on the fact that he once took out a car loan!

Most parents manage to work full time as well as having children. It sounds like working part-time is a luxury you can't afford, especially since your DH is on sick leave.

I'd leave the DH anyway, as he sounds useless, but as a capable adult I've always had the expectation that I would work full time. It will be beneficial for you to build up pension contributions and work experience whatever may happen in the future.

BunchIsBloom · 26/02/2021 14:14

Bloody hell, leave him!

cherrybunx0 · 26/02/2021 14:17

i don't think he has a right to tell you how many hours you should be working when it sounds like he is a lazy, self entitled, useless person himself.

Honestly, when you get a bit more on your feet, look at leaving. He sounds exhausting and boring.

Topseyt · 26/02/2021 14:29

Why on earth are you with him? He sounds like an arse.