To find love again in your forties

[PinkPonyTail]

AIBU to wonder this?

So married at 21 and now 41

He’s a good man and father but no sex, no excitement, no conversation.

Just evenings sat in silence.

AIBU to ask of there could be more or am I too late?

Have pondered this for the last number of years if that matters

IABU - be content
IANBU - there is/could be more

It's two seperate questions.

Of course 41 isn't too old to find love and sex,but that doesn't mean that you won't or shouldn't be single for a time if you break up.

Should you break up? Only you can answer that. Are you ok never having sex again, or conversation etc? Is it literally none or is it just rare? Does he know you're unhappy? Would you consider couples counselling? How old are the kids? Can you afford to leave? Are you happy to do 50/50 care?

I'm just going to stay with you on this one and listen to the reply's, I'm in the same situation.

Do you love him?

There could be more always. Age is irrelevant. We have one life etc...

However have you started where you are at and really looked at it with husband before you give up the ghost.. so to speak?

@smellyolddog

I'm just going to stay with you on this one and listen to the reply's, I'm in the same situation.

Do you love him?

It’s the classic I love him, he’s a good man but I’m not in love, very sad.

I suppose I could muddle through and people have much, much worse to contend with but I feel there could be more.

Or maybe not and I’m living in a fantasy world.

Were you in love with him?

What changed? You or him?

Of course you can. If you want to spend the next 30/40/50 years like this or however long it is until you break then carry on...or leave now & have the maximum amount of time you have left in your life being happy. Everyone deserves that.

Also no sex at 41!? No thanks!

Yes there is more.

If you want to leave then that’s what you should do. If you want to explore counselling then that’s good too but you shouldn’t stay out of a sense of this being “all there is”

@Ijustknowitstimetogo

Were you in love with him?

What changed? You or him?

I loved him very very much, in the early days.

I changed, difficult admission.

Life changed me. He’s a good man, easy going and kind.

I took on the provider, bread winner role. I do everything for the family.

I feel very much the same. I’m 41, we’ve been together 20 years with 2 older teenagers.

He’s lovely, he really is. He’s funny, kind and adores me. He even doesn’t complain that I don’t want sex anymore.

But, I’ve lost my attraction to him, he can be lazy and I’m fed up of feeling like I’m cleaning up after him, and we don’t seem to have anything in common anymore.

I wonder if there’s more, but after seeing my dad treat my mum like shit I feel lucky to have a husband who is so reliable and always on my side.

Should I care about fireworks, attraction and mutual hobbies if the man I’m with cares about me?

I don’t know what the answer is but I understand how you feel @PinkPonyTail

Are you me?! Same age, bread winner too

@SingleHandSue

I feel very much the same. I’m 41, we’ve been together 20 years with 2 older teenagers.

He’s lovely, he really is. He’s funny, kind and adores me. He even doesn’t complain that I don’t want sex anymore.

But, I’ve lost my attraction to him, he can be lazy and I’m fed up of feeling like I’m cleaning up after him, and we don’t seem to have anything in common anymore.

I wonder if there’s more, but after seeing my dad treat my mum like shit I feel lucky to have a husband who is so reliable and always on my side.

Should I care about fireworks, attraction and mutual hobbies if the man I’m with cares about me?

I don’t know what the answer is but I understand how you feel @PinkPonyTail

It’s so hard isn’t it? You’ve nailed it with the lost the attraction bit, it’s the same with me.

I’m torn between ripping the family apart and feeling this turmoil forever

I'm 61 and have just had the best 3 years of my life with a new partner

@Cripesitsthegasman19

Are you me?! Same age, bread winner too

Sorry to hear you’re in the same situation.

I look at my mum who is 65 and says she wishes she’d been brave enough to leave my father. This is my husband is a good man, just very very boring whereas my father wasn’t.

How can you tell someone they are boring without ripping them apart?

@weedoogie

I'm 61 and have just had the best 3 years of my life with a new partner

☺️ that’s beautiful! Made me well up a bit!

Now

How did you find love again?

I divorced at 39, he was not nice though. I was 100% happy being single, not looking for love, but it found me at 50. Four years later we are engaged and still enjoying that honeymoon period.

@PinkPonyTail

We met at work.

I'm afraid that it's not a story that ends well. She died of cancer, completely out of the blue, 3 months ago. Still, those 3 years were worth all the heartache and will sustain me for the rest of my life

Hi OP - I'm 45 and thought I was in the same situation as you - DH a good man but we'd grown apart and he'd changed so much we had nothing in common. No sex or conversation for years. He tolerated me. Then last year I discovered he was had been/was cheating, with at least a couple of mistresses - which explained why he'd withdrawn from our relationship. I immediately told him to leave the family home and he has a place early where he has the DC every other weekend Fri-Mon. The end of the marriage was a relief, to be honest - in the aftermath I rediscovered who I really was, who I used to be - before years of neglect and a zombie marriage (dead, but still shambling along) took their toll on my self respect, self esteem, self belief etc.
This year I met a new partner - initially on-line dating, then we were able to form a part-time bubble while my DC were at ex's - and it was been an utter revelation. Not just the sex - which is amazing after nothing, for so long - but to be with a man who cherishes me, communicates, wants to talk and hear my thoughts/opinions etc. It's utterly blissful and I feel so very, very loved. It's early days and could all end in tears, I suppose - but I'm enjoying it to the hilt for as long as it lasts. I was so terribly crushed and thought I'd never be happy again - but obviously, there is life after the end of an unsatisfying marriage.

[quote weedoogie]@PinkPonyTail

We met at work.

I'm afraid that it's not a story that ends well. She died of cancer, completely out of the blue, 3 months ago. Still, those 3 years were worth all the heartache and will sustain me for the rest of my life[/quote]
I’m so glad you had those years of happiness, but so very sorry for your heartache.

It sounds like she was a lovely person

I left after 28 years, found love very unexpectedly at 50, still together but don't live together. Keeps the domestic drudge out of our relationship, have keys to each others homes and drop in whenever. It's still exciting. I get in from work to a love note or flowers or the washing up done etc. Still keep our independence but are very much together. Sex life is fantastic too, spontaneous and exciting. Best decision ever. And he's 14 years younger

I left my partner 2.5 years ago. He was a decent enough guy, 14 years married, no abuse. He was lazy and I was the bread winner. We battled on for years and got more and more disconnected. The sex went, the fun went. Eventually I just felt trapped and unable to breath. We finally split and divorced. About 9 months after we split I met my new boyfriend. He is imperfect as am I. However he is fun, he likes me, we have sex and dates (pre Covid). He isn’t moving in, we aren’t getting married but what we are is enjoying life. It’s worth it and I am so much happier as is DD. Life is fun!!

In my fifties and watching...

This is my parents. My mum could have done so much better than my dad. Life's too short.

I remarried at 58. Took a lot of courage to walk away from a crap marriage.

I don’t think anyone should stay in an unhappy marriage and it’s quite common after all those years together to feel a bit - is this it? But be careful not to assume the grass is greener.

I split with my husband 4 years ago feeling much like you do. It was a civilised breakup and we’ve stayed friends but it’s still the hardest thing I’ve ever done, it’s changed me so much as a person and made me question every aspect of my life.

Meeting someone else is not easy either - not impossible but don’t kid yourself there are lots of men out there who are better than your husband, they might be different or more exciting but I’d guarantee they come with a whole load of baggage.

I don’t regret my decision but I wish someone had told me how hard it would be, how much I’d miss the security of someone always having my back and being there even if life had got very dull. I’ve never felt more alone especially the past year for obvious reasons - everyone I know has someone who they’d pick over me and that is tough to take. The freedom is great of course but the loneliness not so much.

I’m not trying to put you off, just saying think it through a lot! Good luck with whatever you decide