To be upset on Dh's behalf

Teapotsandtablecloths · 2021-02-25T10:26:03+00:00

My DH had a bit of a rough upbringing, his mum was an alcoholic who unfortunately died due to this. His dad worked abroad and took DH's brother with him and left my DH to care for his mum as a young child. Eventually they all moved abroad together and thats where she passed. Dh's father blamed him for having not policed his mums drinking (he was a young teen at the time) and the relationship has been fractured since then. Now the reason I'm upset is FIL still lives abroad. Other side of the world from us so the only contact is via social media and is almost nil anyway. But, the reason I'm upset for DH is that his dad keeps deleting all forms of social media for months on end to protest against Mark Zuckerberg lol. Cutting all contact completely. It bothers DH because it means his dad shows no interest in him or what hes doing and isn't around if DH needs to speak to him as he deletes whatsapp too. It infuriates me that he prioritises his war against Facebook over and above having contact with his son. I'm prepared for you to flame me as its nothing to do with me ultimately i guess. I'm just sad for DH.

BoyTree · 25/02/2021 10:29

Does his dad bring anything positive into his life? It sounds like he needs to accept that his dad is not the father he needed as a child and is not interested in an adult child-parent relationship. Instead of being at the mercy of his dad's whims, it might help your husband to think about whether being in touch with his dad is good for him at all.

NotAgainNoMore · 25/02/2021 10:31

Either of them could pick up the phone?
Yes, I'd feel so sorry for him. His DM's death wasn't his fault at all! Totally unfair for his DF to blame him but honestly, if he's like that, wouldn't it be better for him to go NC himself?

Original poster

Teapotsandtablecloths · 25/02/2021 10:32

@BoyTree ultimately no. He gives my partner birthday and Christmas presents and money occasionally. I almost dont exist to them bar the obligatory happy birthday comment on fb.

However he is the only family DH has bar me and my side so as much as i think he should NC i dont think he ever would.

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Original poster

Teapotsandtablecloths · 25/02/2021 10:34

@NotAgainNoMore

Either of them could pick up the phone? Yes, I'd feel so sorry for him. His DM's death wasn't his fault at all! Totally unfair for his DF to blame him but honestly, if he's like that, wouldn't it be better for him to go NC himself?

Believe it or not his dad doesn't provide his number as he doesn't see why we would need it as we don't live in the same place. Yep. He's that kinda person.

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CareBear50 · 25/02/2021 10:35

@BoyTree

Does his dad bring anything positive into his life? It sounds like he needs to accept that his dad is not the father he needed as a child and is not interested in an adult child-parent relationship. Instead of being at the mercy of his dad's whims, it might help your husband to think about whether being in touch with his dad is good for him at all.

I agree one hundred pc. His dad is so selfish. How can he blame his teenage son for his mum's issues!!!! He sounds like a horrible man

FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken · 25/02/2021 10:38

Has he had counselling? Leaving a child by themselves with an alcoholic parent is completely neglectful, blaming them for an adults drinking is just disgusting, and I think it says a lot about your husbands state of mind that he still wants contact with someone who has treated him so appallingly. It's sad his dad still has the power to hurt him. It sounds like he can't accept that there is no relationship...If the relationship is mainly on social media then it's not really a proper relationship.

But aside from that, could he not text or ring him? I do think he should look into therapy to try and overcome this and make peace with it though as otherwise he is going to feel let down again and again for the rest of his life

Original poster

Teapotsandtablecloths · 25/02/2021 10:49

@FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken

Has he had counselling? Leaving a child by themselves with an alcoholic parent is completely neglectful, blaming them for an adults drinking is just disgusting, and I think it says a lot about your husbands state of mind that he still wants contact with someone who has treated him so appallingly. It's sad his dad still has the power to hurt him. It sounds like he can't accept that there is no relationship...If the relationship is mainly on social media then it's not really a proper relationship.

But aside from that, could he not text or ring him? I do think he should look into therapy to try and overcome this and make peace with it though as otherwise he is going to feel let down again and again for the rest of his life

Unfortunately FIL doesn't pass out his phone number to anyone who doesn't live in the same country as he can't understand why anyone of us would need it. Hes a piece of work in that sense.

I have suggested counselling but DH is hesitant. He feels he has a "cap" on it at the moment as it happened a good while ago now that hes worried what impact it would have on him if he reopened that. Hes the type i cant force him or push him too far he has to come to the decision himself.

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idontlikealdi · 25/02/2021 10:52

There are other ways of contact - email if he won't phone but tbh it sounds like he's flogging a dead horse

Tarantallegra · 25/02/2021 10:52

Signal is a good alternative to Whatsapp if privacy is a big concern for him - www.signal.org

I wouldn't waste my time personally but it's worth suggesting if your DH doesn't want to give up

Original poster

Teapotsandtablecloths · 25/02/2021 10:52

@idontlikealdi

There are other ways of contact - email if he won't phone but tbh it sounds like he's flogging a dead horse

Email is a good shout. Stupidly i hadn't thought of that. Thank you 😊

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Original poster

Teapotsandtablecloths · 25/02/2021 10:54

@Tarantallegra

Signal is a good alternative to Whatsapp if privacy is a big concern for him - www.signal.org

I wouldn't waste my time personally but it's worth suggesting if your DH doesn't want to give up

I'll have a look at that thank you! I'm unsure at this point what DH wants to do. He only found out this morning that his dad is deleting all social media again so I'm letting him stew on it a little bit first.

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WhySoSensitive · 25/02/2021 10:56

WhatsApp is his phone number.
Write it down next time he’s got WhatsApp and ring him.

Comtesse · 25/02/2021 11:00

Toxic Families by Susan Forward is a good read. This man is a waste of space. He was let your husband down so badly, and is still doing that decades later. I would be telling my husband to prioritise himself, not this unworthy loser. Hoping for him to change is just a recipe for heartbreak. Get free, let him go. Get on Stately Homes on Relationships board - much kind insight there.

Ch3rish · 25/02/2021 11:03

@WhySoSensitive

WhatsApp is his phone number. Write it down next time he’s got WhatsApp and ring him.

I was going to say the same, deleting whatsapp won't stop you ringing him unless he's also blocked the number and the contact will still be saved in your DH's phone

Foxtrotalpha · 25/02/2021 11:13

There are other forms of contact, FaceTime over iPhone, email, even letters. Given his father’s indifference, should DH continue chasing after him.

It sounds like your FIL checked out of the relationship a long time ago. It is obscene to blame a young child for an alcoholic parent (I had an alcoholic parent myself).

Personally I would just leave FIL to it and maybe ring on birthdays, Xmas etc and leave it there.

Lampzade · 25/02/2021 11:21

Op, the truth is that your father in law is not bothered about preserving the relationship with your dh.
It could actually be a good thing that FIL is cutting ties . Your dh would be forced to accept that his ‘father doesn’t give AF about him. Your dh could then begin the process of grieving for the relationship that he didn’t have with his father and ultimately learn to accept that his father is toxic

RootyT00t · 25/02/2021 11:42

My god.

Poor DH!

Cpl1586407 · 25/02/2021 11:45

Your FIL doesn't sound like a nice man. If I were you I'd try to help DH accept that he dad doesn't want a relationship with you all and that's probably for the best

Original poster

Teapotsandtablecloths · 25/02/2021 11:48

@Foxtrotalpha

There are other forms of contact, FaceTime over iPhone, email, even letters. Given his father’s indifference, should DH continue chasing after him.

It sounds like your FIL checked out of the relationship a long time ago. It is obscene to blame a young child for an alcoholic parent (I had an alcoholic parent myself).

Personally I would just leave FIL to it and maybe ring on birthdays, Xmas etc and leave it there.

That's what I'm thinking, reduce it to high days and holidays for our own sanity.

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TillyTopper · 25/02/2021 11:50

Surely this has to be about DH coming to terms with his awful father? May discussing it and counselling could really help him. He obv can't make his father stay in touch so he needs to have the tools to not let it bother him so much.

Original poster

Teapotsandtablecloths · 25/02/2021 11:52

@TillyTopper

Surely this has to be about DH coming to terms with his awful father? May discussing it and counselling could really help him. He obv can't make his father stay in touch so he needs to have the tools to not let it bother him so much.

100% agreed. Unfortunately DH feels this is normal and the way family is seen as its all hes known. My family are in communication most days, visit each other etc and he thinks we're the weird ones. I think he just needs to process, understand and start to move past it, unfortunately 😕

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Bluntness100 · 25/02/2021 11:53

I’m sorry I don’t mean this harshly but your husband is a grown man and he needs to accept his father does not wish the type of relationship with him that your husband desires and has never wanted this.

He needs to take control and communicate on his terms ans seek therapy if he’s struggling.

Many people are no contact with a parent, and th other deceased, myself included, and you need to come to terms with it as an adult. Not continually look for something that is never going to be there and getting upset about it.

Original poster

Teapotsandtablecloths · 25/02/2021 12:02

@Bluntness100

I’m sorry I don’t mean this harshly but your husband is a grown man and he needs to accept his father does not wish the type of relationship with him that your husband desires and has never wanted this.

He needs to take control and communicate on his terms ans seek therapy if he’s struggling.

Many people are no contact with a parent, and th other deceased, myself included, and you need to come to terms with it as an adult. Not continually look for something that is never going to be there and getting upset about it.

Wow 😂 the username suits you.

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HowLongTo2022 · 25/02/2021 12:03

My DH has abusive parents. They don’t mean to be but they are. It reached unbearable levels when we had kids and he had some counselling and it really helped him. Just a few sessions. It didn’t focus that much on the past so didn’t open up any old wounds for him but gave him some great tips on how to interact with them now and also it gave him an understanding of why he felt the drive to maintain contact and ways to do that without the cycle of abuse containing. It’s had such a positive impact on his whole life.

Original poster

Teapotsandtablecloths · 25/02/2021 12:12

@HowLongTo2022

My DH has abusive parents. They don’t mean to be but they are. It reached unbearable levels when we had kids and he had some counselling and it really helped him. Just a few sessions. It didn’t focus that much on the past so didn’t open up any old wounds for him but gave him some great tips on how to interact with them now and also it gave him an understanding of why he felt the drive to maintain contact and ways to do that without the cycle of abuse containing. It’s had such a positive impact on his whole life.

I'm definitely going to suggest it again. Even if he tries it for the sake of trying it so we at least know. Thank you though for being open about that.

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