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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want sex anymore

36 replies

Miserablyme · 24/02/2021 23:20

Two births close together with the latter being very traumatic I'm left with pelvic organ prolapse (cystocele and a descending uterus)

It's not severe enough to warrant surgery according to my male uro gynaecologist but it's certainly not nice to live with. I feel disabled at the ripe age of 27 and can't do any of the things I used to love.

Largely due to the above I've totally lost my sex drive and cannot stand being touched down there. Sex is no longer pleasurable as I don't get turned on I just feel self conscious and on edge it just all feels wrong. I tolerate it for DP's sake but the reality is I'm having sex I don't want and don't enjoy out of fear he'll go elsewhere.

I'm writing this after a failed attempt of having sex where I cringed my way through receiving oral sex because I cannot bare him being down there and he had to stop mid way through the actual sex because it was too uncomfortable for me.

He's highly sexed so I fully believe he's going to look elsewhere before long as sex is too important to him, so WIBU to just accept that for what it is and say I don't want to have sex anymore?

OP posts:

LouiseTrees · 24/02/2021 23:22

Could you not push to be seen by a woman and to receive more treatment?

Original poster

Miserablyme · 24/02/2021 23:25

@LouiseTrees

Could you not push to be seen by a woman and to receive more treatment?

I'm certainly prepared to try but I'll not get my hopes up.

The gynae I saw even refused to consider fitting me with a pessary so i could get back into jogging and exercise.

There certainly won't be a quick fix anyhow and the sex problem is going to be the elephant in the room for a long time to come.

OP posts:

LouJ85 · 24/02/2021 23:28

How long ago did you have your baby OP?

Bettina500 · 24/02/2021 23:32

Firstly I think you need a new consultant. Then could you request a referral to postnatal physio, that might help improve your symptoms and could also help build a case for surgery if you need it.

HaveeeeYouMetTed · 24/02/2021 23:35

Sex is more important to him than his partner, the mother of his child?

I don't care how highly sexed someone is, if their other half is going through issues (your case medical) then it does not excuse them looking elsewhere for that attention & if you honestly believe that's what he'll do, you have other issues to add to the physical ones I'm afraid.

You need to sit down & talk to him about how you feel & your concerns about how he will handle it.

Original poster

Miserablyme · 24/02/2021 23:35

The thing is I'm not even postnatal anymore, my youngest is 2.

Prolapse diagnosed at 6 week check up then I saw a gynae at 13 weeks pp.

One appointment at women's physio where I was shown how to do kegals correctly.

It hasn't got any worse but it hasn't got markedly better either.

It doesn't interfere with my day to day life too much other than the restrictions, but sex is a huge issue. I've gone off it completely because it's not enjoyable at all.

It doesn't seem fair to make him go without sex when it's so important to him but I'm at the stage now where I'm thinking fuck it, put myself first for once.

OP posts:

Original poster

Miserablyme · 24/02/2021 23:38

@HaveeeeYouMetTed

Sex is more important to him than his partner, the mother of his child?

You need to sit down & talk to him about how you feel & your concerns about how he will handle it.

To answer your first question, sadly I believe it is yes but he'd never admit that.

We've had talks in the past about how my problems down below make me feel about sex and he says all of the right things but his desire to have sex is still there.

OP posts:

Iremembertheelderlykoreanlady · 24/02/2021 23:38

I also went off sex when my prolapse was diagnosed (along with a whole load of other childbirth related issues)

Its completely normal. He needs to understand this.

And quite frankly if sex is more important to him that the rest of your relationship then you're well rid!

longcoffeebreak · 24/02/2021 23:41

I totally understand your fear of him going elsewhere but it's horrible having to go through the motions. I had similar due to menopause. Not sure what to suggest but going back to the docs/gynecologist and making it really clear about how much of a big deal it is for you can't hurt.

Original poster

Miserablyme · 24/02/2021 23:45

Thank you for letting me know I'm not alone or abnormal for feeling this way.

I feel for him I really do, no man wants to be celibate in his thirties, but I can't keep having sex if I'm getting nothing from it and it's just compounding the negative feelings I have down there.

I will speak to my GP and ask for another referral to uro gynae, preferably to see a woman this time.

OP posts:

Jillypots · 24/02/2021 23:49

Sex is not all about a vagina. Have you tried hand jobs, blow jobs, etc? There needs to be some give and take on both sides. You’ve been through a terribly traumatic time, and you’re still dealing with it. You need some support and understanding from DH. It’s not clear from your post whether you’re receiving that. If you are, then it’s reasonable to give a little back when and how you can. This doesn’t have to be vaginal sex. Marriage is much less about sex and much more about a mutually supportive relationship. I hope you have this. Take care of yourself.

B1rthis · 25/02/2021 00:03

Having a prolapse diagnosed and being pretty much told to just accept it is UI.
Perhaps get your partner on board with finding treatment? If he is busy helping research it might make him see a little more from your point of view?
Start with searching the name Jilly Bond.

TallFriendlyGinger · 25/02/2021 11:09

Completely reasonable to not want sex atm that sounds very difficult to deal with but please don't feel like this is just your life now and you have to get used to it. Your gynaeo sounds like an arse hole, get another one to examine you and see if you can get treatment. You don't deserve to feel embarrassed about your vagina, or feel uncomfortable or in pain during sex.

pandarific · 25/02/2021 13:10

Adding to the people saying that was a bad gynae you saw, and you 100% should go back. Also, I would really suggest sourcing some trauma counselling around it too - it’s unlikely to be a purely physical thing blocking you from enjoying / wanting sex, it’s a terrifying and traumatic thing to have happened you.

Not to say that you should want sex or that the focus of the counselling should be getting your desire back or anything like that - but you’re only young, and this really seems to be casting a huge black cloud over you, to the extent that you’re worried about the breakdown of your marriage. A two pronged attack on the actual trouble - both mental, totally understandable trauma from what happened - and physical - effects which can be remedied, despite what that arse of a gynae told you.

Can you also talk to your husband openly about ^^ and be honest about your fears and see if he can support you as you go forward with it all?

Wannabegreenfingers · 25/02/2021 13:14

I'd definitely get another opinion and possible some counselling. Birth Trauma can last for quite some time.

CallistoSol · 25/02/2021 13:26

No way would I put up with a sexless relationship, yabu and defeatist imo. Unless you want to kiss your relationship goodbye you need to get a second and even third opinion on your options. Can you go private for this? You are so very young to have written off a normal life so you need to do something now before it's too late.

LilMidge01 · 25/02/2021 13:31

I don't agree with the people suggesting your husband is arsehole if he doesn't want to stay with someone that no longer wants to have sex.

Noone should be forced to live in a sexless marriage (especially at such a young age) if they don't want to.

And similarly, you should not be having sex you're not enjoying, nor should you be resigned to feeling 'disabled'. You are absolutely NOT BU to not want sex right now.

I feel for both of you. I think the answer at the moment is you really need proper treatment, you shouldn't be expected to just put up with this, you are not BU. However, you also shouldn't need to be 'performing' when you're not comfortable. I think you also need to have a frank discussion with your husband and seek his support and help in getting you the right medical treatment so that you can both sort this out together. If he is not an arsehole he will see the need to support you through this so that hopefully one day you can both enjoy a happy sex life that pleases both of you in the future, at a level you are both comfortable with.

Lockheart · 25/02/2021 13:36

I agree with everything @LilMidge01 said, but in addition to asking for another consultant and insisting on the medical treatment you need I would also recommend seeing a sex therapist (individually or as a couple) to help you come to terms with everything that's happened.

On the medical side, is private medical care an option?

Wavienewbie · 25/02/2021 13:53

Just adding my voice to those saying it's worth pushing for a second opinion if you can. Was the physio you received through the NHS? I had a prolapse and was referred by my GP. Had two sessions I think which was enough to make a huge difference and I was discharged. I think I was incredibly lucky with provision in my area (Bucks) not sure what other areas are like but prolapses absolutely can be improved by physio in some cases. She gave me a few exercises to do but also performed a very thorough assessment/examination and treated me internally which helped allow both sides to contract equally.

Iwonder08 · 25/02/2021 13:59

This is crazy. You need to fix your physical problem, your consultant is crap and not necessarily because he is male. Get another doctor, go private if you have to. It is totally wrong to have sex when you are in pain. You need to tell your other half you have a health issue and stop torturing yourself.

LittleGwyneth · 25/02/2021 14:05

Okay so:

another consultant (and a complaint about this one

seeing a specialist privately if you can afford it for vaginal physio

sex therapy

taking sex off the cards for at least a few weeks so that it's not the elephant in the room

taking time to watch / read things which turn you on, wherever possible. Touch your body regularly and gently whenever you can, even if it's very brief. Be kind to yourself, speak nicely about your body.

make your you're making time to be intimate with your partner without having sex. Spooning naked, cuddling, curling up on the sofa, all that good stuff. The most important thing is that you don't allow a situation where sex is the only physical connection and therefore while sex is off the table all intimacy is gone.

Isadora2007 · 25/02/2021 14:13

Definitely ask for a referral to a women’s health physio specialist and don’t just accept this life. Sex is important and while you’re not unreasonable for not wanting it at the moment, you are unreasonable for accepting that is your life from now on.
Some relationship counselling could help a lot- it wouldn’t need to necessarily be sexual relations therapy yet as you mechanically can have sex but it sounds like the psychological aspects are the biggest issue here.
Work as a team and see your sex life as something beneficial to you both rather than a service you are providing your husband. Then he can support you and understand you want it too and you’re not just giving up a huge part of your relationship like that.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 25/02/2021 14:16

Definitely see a different gynae, and push really hard for something to be done.

Not so that your partner can be fulfilled but so that YOU can. You’re also young, and it’s sad for you to have enjoyable sex taken off the table already. Plus the ability to exercise!

You need to take PIV sex completely off the table for now.

Yes your DH might have a high sex drive, but you were injured having his baby.’it’s as much his problem as yours!

Zoinksalot · 25/02/2021 14:22

Your husband isn't an asshole based off this and the previous posts are a bit shit.

Forcing someone into a sexless marriage/partnership is bound to fail.

If you really do not want sex anymore then it's fair to assume he would want to go elsewhere (either by opening your relationship or ending it)

Notsoaccidentproneanymore · 25/02/2021 14:29

I had a slight prolapse after ds1 which made me feel very uncomfortable, so I can’t imagine how bad you feel. Must be crap.

Anyway, I saw a physio gyno who used some kind of device which could measure your vaginal muscles individually. I then had to practice squeezing each one in turn. It was difficult, but I was in my early 30’s and couldn’t imagine carrying on as I was.

I know things are difficult, but there are loads of different kinds of support, therapy available. It’s just finding the one which is right for you. You’re not even half way through your life - is this really how you want the rest of your life to be.

And don’t worry about your dh - you need to do this for you, not for anyone else.

Maybe if you talked to dh and discussed having a break from sex for a while it would take away the pressure you feel. All relationships have ups and downs, and this is a down stage.

I don’t think you should try to guess how your dh is feeling -talk to him honestly and don’t feel at all guilty for looking after yourself and putting yourself first.

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