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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want sex anymore

36 replies

Miserablyme · 24/02/2021 23:20

Two births close together with the latter being very traumatic I'm left with pelvic organ prolapse (cystocele and a descending uterus)

It's not severe enough to warrant surgery according to my male uro gynaecologist but it's certainly not nice to live with. I feel disabled at the ripe age of 27 and can't do any of the things I used to love.

Largely due to the above I've totally lost my sex drive and cannot stand being touched down there. Sex is no longer pleasurable as I don't get turned on I just feel self conscious and on edge it just all feels wrong. I tolerate it for DP's sake but the reality is I'm having sex I don't want and don't enjoy out of fear he'll go elsewhere.

I'm writing this after a failed attempt of having sex where I cringed my way through receiving oral sex because I cannot bare him being down there and he had to stop mid way through the actual sex because it was too uncomfortable for me.

He's highly sexed so I fully believe he's going to look elsewhere before long as sex is too important to him, so WIBU to just accept that for what it is and say I don't want to have sex anymore?

OP posts:

Melroses · 25/02/2021 14:31

Def see another urogynae.

Also another gynae physiotherapist - one appointment for kegals is nowhere near helpful - you definitely need more than that. Privately if necessary.

I think post-partum help in this country is woeful and so hit and miss. I ended up getting sorted out 25 years later.

oblada · 25/02/2021 14:40

Definitely not unreasonable to not want but do investigate all the options suggested here. You shouldnt resign yourself to a life without sex or exercise at such an early age if you aren't happy with it. Insist that the doctors do something to help.

Biffbaff · 25/02/2021 15:36

Oh my goodness, you were let down by your gynae, I am so sorry you had that experience.

Please go back and find another person who will help you. You really don't have to just accept this. You really don't.

Best of luck.

Countrygirl2021 · 25/02/2021 15:58

You definitely need to get it sorted. You don't need to live with pain. Can you go private?

Fwiw I don't think it is reasonable to expect your husband to just not have sex.

DennisTMenace · 25/02/2021 18:33

NHS physio are only doing video calls still, but if you can afford it there are plenty of private dedicated women's health physio out there. The mummy hub and core restore are a couple of franchise type ones I can think of, but there will be independent ones too. Made a big difference to me with different post birth issues, when the NHS offered no help at all. It really is worth sorting out your body for you.

partyatthepalace · 25/02/2021 18:48

You need a re-referral - you should not have to put up with feeling uncomfortable, I would really kick up - see your GP and say it is doing your MH and your marriage in.

Your DP should not be pressuring for sex, but equally the problem needs to be sorted. It sounds like there is psychological as well as physical mending to do. So maybe a bit of counselling to talk your feelings about your body through?

Can you talk to your DP about how you are addressing things, but it will take a while, and agree some limits on sexual activity, eg no penetration. I think a counsellor with some specialist knowledge might help you manage this.

Tal45 · 25/02/2021 18:55

You are way to young to just accept that you'll never enjoy sex again - make a fuss, ask the gynae if he'd be happy never enjoying sex again, don't let them fob you off because god knows that's what many in the NHS seem to do if they can. xxx

Shalalalablabla · 25/02/2021 19:04

Now then listen to me I totally understand this and have very similar. I completely understand how you feel but I can also assure you that this does not mean the end of your sex life. You need to be referred again and if your consultant is unsympathetic ask for a different one. My consultant is a complete arsehole tbh and made me feel terrible. But I am on a list to have an op (nonmesh) and whilst it still does put me off sex at times and I feel selfconscious actually sex itself is great. There are plenty of things you can do to make things better such as getting a pelvic toner and using it, doing the pelvic floor exercises, asking for physiotherapy losing weight and finally when none of that does the trick you can have surgery to correct it. It is not something you have to live with forever it can be fixed and you should get it sorted if it Makes you unhappy. You will be really surprised how much difference all this can make and to sex aswell. If you have issues emptying your bowels etc make sure you drink lots eat plenty of fibre and maybe take stool softener have a bath and use wipes. Once you feel less conscious of it you will relax and enjoy sex ipromise you. If you really don't like sex anyway and don't want it anymore regardless of your problems that is another matter. Seriously it will get better.

hopelessatthinkingupusernames · 25/02/2021 19:40

I really recommend the Kegel 8 machine - took a while but it really made a difference for me.

I was told that they try to avoid surgery on younger patients, as it gives them less options in the future when it will likely get worse. Definitely ask for a referral to a women’s physio, they are really helpful.

I don’t think you are unreasonable to not want sex but your husband isn’t unreasonable to want it either. It’s a shit situation.

BrownFootStool · 25/02/2021 19:41

I recommend seeing a pelvic floor physio. I had no idea such people existed until I had issues. They can advise on things you can do to heal yourself. Also join a group on Facebook called Box Talk, it is for women with these physical issues. I also recommend a Kegal 8 Ultra, a device which uses electronic pulses to exercise you and restore you. They are £118 but you can pay in three installments. It's done wonders for me.

I don't have any advice re the sex issue different to suggestions above but you are definitley not alone.

SewingWarriorQueen76 · 25/02/2021 20:32

Also look up a group on FB called Pop fitness. Lots of support there too. I had a Kegels 8 machine. It was helpful just I figure out what muscles and where. I couldn't do it on my own.
I can have sex and do exercise but some things are now off limits. Like today when I jumped off a 5 bar gate with a full bladder. Glad I was prepared for it. Empty bladder wouldn't have been an issue.
It's an injury and you need to be kind to yourself. Small steps and I read that orgasms can help improve your pelvic floor as it tones it a bit each time.

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