... to ask a friend to contact me less?

[eeek88]

I have a friend who contacts me on average 1-2 times a day but it can be a lot more. He never has anything to say, just wants attention. A typical interaction will be 'ping' or 'ello', or 'I'm drunk' or 'just had a 3-hour nap'. Nothing interesting. But once he's started a conversation he expects a response and wants me to do all the footwork in terms of coming up with interesting subject matter and keeping the conversation going.

If I don't reply, or don't give him extended responses, he can be a bit passive aggressive eg. sending longer messages about how he's worried about me because I don't reply as swiftly as I used to (I've repeatedly explained that I have a full-time job, and a farm to run, and hobbies that don't involve being on social media 24/7, so it's nothing personal but I just don't have loads of time...) or posting really desperate Facebook statuses about how every conversation he instigates ends within 2 minutes.

He has pretty major mental health problems and I have always felt a sense of responsibility towards him (he is a relic of an older friendship group that has pretty much disbanded, with people moving away, moving on with their lives etc). Pre-COVID we used to meet for a coffee a couple of times a month and I used to enjoy this time together although we don't have anything in common really. In between face-to-face meetings he didn't pester me nearly so much, so I didn't find the friendship a burden.

But now his neediness is seriously ramping up, and I can't take it. I'm busy. I'm due to give birth in 2 weeks (a fact he keeps forgetting - I think he's in denial). The other day he messaged me to say 'fanny' - an alternative greeting I guess, but not one I particularly appreciated, so I ignored it. A few hours later, at 2am, another message, this time using the nickname that ONLY my partner uses, which made me feel kind of weird. Every time I go on facebook he pops up. It's friendly but getting more and more insistent and makes me feel under pressure.

I CANNOT be his go-to person whenever he feels lonely, shit, bored, drunk, tired, etc etc etc. I don't know how to say this to him. He needs to get off his arse and find ways to occupy his time. I totally understand that this is easier said than done in a pandemic when your mental health is terrible and you don't work or have any hobbies. But I spent a year trying to talk him out of giving up his job (which was perfect for him, he just couldn't see it) only for him to ignore me and quit anyway. Since then he's been desperately lonely and bored, and increasingly unemployable and needy...

I've tried to support him in every way I can think of... I've suggested he joins me with arty projects which is literally the only crossover of our interests and he said he didn't have the motivation. Fine, but maybe he shouldn't expect me to have the motivation to express an interest whenever he takes a nap or spends money he hasn't got on a stupid impulse purchase. I've invited him to cycle over to my place (he doesn't drive) for a socially-distanced cup of tea and bowl of soup and he blocks out a day in the diary weeks in advance, then bails last-minute. In between lockdowns I even hosted a BBQ for him at my place - he invited the guests, I did EVERYTHING ELSE (bought the food, bought the drink, cooked the food, tidied up afterwards, gave him a lift here, dropped him home afterwards) - because I could see how desperately he needed some social interaction and a treat, but not only did he not help out in the tiniest way, he immediately demanded another one. FFS. Couldn't even pick up a packet of bread rolls while I was on my way to fetch him with a big stock trailer that's really awkward to park, because he had no money, but expects me to be all thrilled for him whenever he splurges money he can't afford on big purchases...

AIBU if I ask him to contact me less? If so, how can I do this as kindly but as firmly as possible? Or should I continue to be supportive because that's what friends do, even though his terrible decisions frustrate me, and my patience is slipping away? When my baby is born I assume I will have even less patience and time, so should I spell out this fact to him, to prepare him for the inevitable, or just let him work it out for himself?

Tbh I only read your first paragraph. I'd send something along the line of

" Hi, (don't put his name, pretend it's a mass text), just letting you know it's only x days until I hopefully give birth. With the farm, x and x you can imagine how busy life is already. So I've decided to put my phone away for a few weeks. I'll obviously do a mass text when the baby comes. But aside from that sorry I'm incommunicado for a while. Hope you stay well."

And then probably don't ever answer a message from him again. Once you've had space you won't want to go back.

That's a really good suggestion

You will not have the time to respond once your baby is there. You need to be really blunt. I have found that my male friends, especially if gay have often had far more issues with respecting my personal boundaries and expecting too much from me. They were really possessive too and expected to be put first ahead of even of my DH. I had to sack virtually all of them off over the years because they would not just reign it in and sulked massively, which I cannot abide and will not tolerate any longer. Sorry to have no real constructive advice other then actually telling them in a condensed version that you will no longer be available for daily chats in the forseeable future. If the friendship is worth saving, they will respect this, if not bin them!

The interaction you describe such as fortnightly meetings, hosting a barbecue,spending a year trying to talk him out of leaving a job might be appropriate for a very close friend or family member. It's not appropriate for someone with whom you have little in common and who is simply a leftover from an old social group. Given the inappropriate midnight and 2 am messages,you really do need to knock this on the head. Has your partner seen these messages? Perhaps your partner could reply to them in a suitably robust fashion if you cannot. I would also leave your partner to extend any future social invitations and make sure these include other people. You need to back off.

@forrestgreen

Tbh I only read your first paragraph. I'd send something along the line of

" Hi, (don't put his name, pretend it's a mass text), just letting you know it's only x days until I hopefully give birth. With the farm, x and x you can imagine how busy life is already. So I've decided to put my phone away for a few weeks. I'll obviously do a mass text when the baby comes. But aside from that sorry I'm incommunicado for a while. Hope you stay well."

And then probably don't ever answer a message from him again. Once you've had space you won't want to go back.

Love that suggestion. Just one minor tweak though. I’d said ‘Hi everyone’ It might make it seem just a little bit clearer that you’re sending it to lots of people (even though you’re not)

He is looking for a free counselling self esteem building service from you daily.
You are nicer than me, I would've cracked up long ago.

@forrestgreen

Tbh I only read your first paragraph. I'd send something along the line of

" Hi, (don't put his name, pretend it's a mass text), just letting you know it's only x days until I hopefully give birth. With the farm, x and x you can imagine how busy life is already. So I've decided to put my phone away for a few weeks. I'll obviously do a mass text when the baby comes. But aside from that sorry I'm incommunicado for a while. Hope you stay well."

And then probably don't ever answer a message from him again. Once you've had space you won't want to go back.

Love this suggestion!

He sounds exhausting
Nobody needs texts twice a day especially when you are busy and have no impt news. He's using you as a social crutch without recognising you used to only meet every few months and really aren't his daily support mor welcome it

I'm close to my friends and family and we chat when each of us wants to and feels like it, and none of us mind if people don't reply as they are busy.

Eh. His demands are not reasonable.

I'd be seriously losing my patience if I got "Fanny" as an attention seeking message.

How old is he? Does he have a regular therapist?

Agree with forrestgreen above, send some kind of message saying you won't be available for contact for the foreseeable future. Mute him on all social media and mute/block on any messaging service you have, at least for the time being. Also go over your social media settings and make sure you're appearing offline/no active status enabled.

Honestly that doesn't sound like a friendship to me, it sounds a really unhealthy dynamic. You need to focus on you and your new family. He doesn't seem to have any boundaries or respect for you or your new situation. He's not your responsibility. It sounds as if his behaviour is escalating the closer you get to having the baby.

@forrestgreen

Tbh I only read your first paragraph. I'd send something along the line of

" Hi, (don't put his name, pretend it's a mass text), just letting you know it's only x days until I hopefully give birth. With the farm, x and x you can imagine how busy life is already. So I've decided to put my phone away for a few weeks. I'll obviously do a mass text when the baby comes. But aside from that sorry I'm incommunicado for a while. Hope you stay well."

And then probably don't ever answer a message from him again. Once you've had space you won't want to go back.

Another vote for this.

Although he sounds like the type to keep massaging anyway. If he does just ignore the messages. It sounds like this friendship has run its course so start fading him out.

If he doesnt get the message in a couple of months, you may have to be blunt with him.

@forrestgreen

Tbh I only read your first paragraph. I'd send something along the line of

" Hi, (don't put his name, pretend it's a mass text), just letting you know it's only x days until I hopefully give birth. With the farm, x and x you can imagine how busy life is already. So I've decided to put my phone away for a few weeks. I'll obviously do a mass text when the baby comes. But aside from that sorry I'm incommunicado for a while. Hope you stay well."

And then probably don't ever answer a message from him again. Once you've had space you won't want to go back.

Love this idea! Thanks, will try it.

Will tip off a few mutual friends as well so that if he asks them if I’ve sent the same, they can say yes. (They understand the situation but beat me to the boundary-setting so are not in the firing line quite so much).

My partner knows about the messages, feels a bit sorry for him but is not the type to tell him to back off. He’s removed himself from social media because of people like this guy popping up and wanting his attention all the time. Basically we have a life and people want to be part of it (the fun bits when we throw parties, not the bits where we wrestle with sheep in driving rain, I hasten to add...) and that’s fine but there are limits!

He’s in his late 30s, I’m 32. He has a social worker who signs him up for therapeutic groups that do activities together. He feels he’s above it and doesn’t really engage because the other service users are lower functioning and more tragic than him. He wants to play with the cool kids but the cool kids now have jobs, hobbies, kids, responsibilities... and tbh I’d be more inclined to be generous with my time if I could see him doing the same for others in our community who are less fortunate than him and who might appreciate a bit of his time and companionship.

He also has a habit of latching on to women who are kind to him. Sometimes it’s women he fancies, who are way out of his league (ie. no danger of him ever having to make a move on them or grow up) but too nice to tell him to fuck off. Sometimes it’s mother-figures (one nice mum round the corner is not enough mums for a guy this needy) but the last one emigrated and he seems to think I’m her replacement. Things have definitely escalated as my due date approaches. This has also coincided with him falling out with his sister. Whatever he needs, I am not it.

I had a friend like this. I cut ties in the end - I wasn't a counsellor, the friendship wasn't a friendship, it was one sided. Nothing I was doing or saying was actually helping. I suspect the same in your case. He needs real help. I suspect he's sending those messages out to several people and seeing who responds. You need to just stop.

I should also say that this person gave me reason to believe I was safer away from him, but I realised before then that i wasn't a friend - just a hamster wheel for him to loop around on endlessly with no intention of trying to solve a thing

This kind of “friendship” would scare me.

How often do you run into him?

The suggestion upthread is good but if he persists then you will have to be blunt. When your baby comes along you'll be past caring about sugarcoating being blunt. His happiness is not your responsibility and if he wasn't part of your life would that be a negative or a positive for you? Ditch the guilt and set your boundaries. Smartphones and social media mean intrusions into your life almost become the norm and it's 24/7.

If you have friends who have been able to boundary set why not ask their advice on what they did?

I think the issue is that it sounds like you always respond so whilst it sounds like you're very nice, this will have encouraged him.

I think the issue with the guest suggestion is that it may get him off your back for a few weeks but he'll then be back.

I think I would be more direct and say that you're now very busy with preparing for the new baby and you don't have time to chat any more. Then just stop replying to anything he says, mute him on WhatsApp and don't open the messages so he doesn't get the blue ticks.

If you are feeling nice you could occasionally invite him to group meet ups and send him Christmas / birthday cards. But if you start the messaging again you'll just start the unhealthy pattern again.

@BlackBucketOfCheese

This kind of “friendship” would scare me.

How often do you run into him?

He’s totally harmless so he doesn’t scare me. He lives in a small town (population 1500 ish) which is my local shopping town and contains several of my friends. On sunny days it’s hard to avoid him in town as it’s only a little place.

Yeah, the suggestion by PP is good.

If you wanted something other than the total break, you could say that he’s welcome to text (or whatsapp maybe) as often as he want to get stuff off his chest, but you are only going to have a chance to read and reply about once a week.

Messages will quickly decrease I think because you’ll have made it clear your attention cannot be gained or expected at any time of day or night, and you will engage with him in your own time and on your own terms. But, you haven’t actually said “don’t contact me”.

Good luck!

@Treehops

I had a friend like this. I cut ties in the end - I wasn't a counsellor, the friendship wasn't a friendship, it was one sided. Nothing I was doing or saying was actually helping. I suspect the same in your case. He needs real help. I suspect he's sending those messages out to several people and seeing who responds. You need to just stop.

Sounds very familiar. I’ve been trying to wean him off me for months but it’s causing a few tantrums eg. the pass-aggressive ‘are you ok’ messages, desperate fb statuses, increasingly outlandish attempts to grab my attention... The other day I wrote a lighthearted fb status, he posted a long nonsensical reply that was attempting to be humorous, which I didn’t see because I don’t obsessively follow up all my notifications, and a day or two later he messaged to ask if I’d seen it! It’s really relentless. I can’t fix his problems. And as with your situation nothing I do or say is helping. He wants my friendship when it’s easy for him, requires no effort or self-regulation, and involves taking path of least resistance at every point, but that’s not how I live my life or encourage others to live theirs. Hence why we are now in a situation where I have more interesting things to do with my time than stroke his ego as he makes bad decisions and feels sad about it.

@givemesteel

If you have friends who have been able to boundary set why not ask their advice on what they did?

I think the issue is that it sounds like you always respond so whilst it sounds like you're very nice, this will have encouraged him.

I think the issue with the guest suggestion is that it may get him off your back for a few weeks but he'll then be back.

I think I would be more direct and say that you're now very busy with preparing for the new baby and you don't have time to chat any more. Then just stop replying to anything he says, mute him on WhatsApp and don't open the messages so he doesn't get the blue ticks.

If you are feeling nice you could occasionally invite him to group meet ups and send him Christmas / birthday cards. But if you start the messaging again you'll just start the unhealthy pattern again.

I’ve noticed that the following works:

1. ghost him HARD and brutally. Offer no explanation. Ignore all communication and run away if you see him. Keep this up for minimum of 2 years Or
2. leave town / the county / the country. Don’t come back Or
3. be really horrible to him. Make him frightened of you (easily done as he’s terrified of conflict and prone to intense paranoia). Make him feel you have bullied him.

There must be another way because I don’t like any of these.

I don’t reply to all his messages, far from it. I’ll often ignore him for days. But they keep coming, in a relentless, pathetic, steady drip.

I’m wondering whether to pretend I’m super offended by the ‘fanny’ comment and say that I just don’t need this shit right now, I’m hormonal, I’m about to give birth, do not pepper me with random insults, I need some space please respect my needs otherwise I’m going to get even more annoyed. (The truth is I’m very difficult to offend and it takes far more than what is clearly a pathetic attempt at humour to get my hackles up, but I can probably blame hormones for an out-of-character overreaction.)

Have you heard of 'grey rock'? It's shorthand for a non-confrontational way of engaging with narcissistic people. You don't ignore, which can be provoking, you don't directly confront, you just respond as minimally and boringly as possible. The person moves on to get their social reward from more obliging people. No idea if your leech is a narcissist but it might work if you want to ease him away and not spend any more mental energy on it

Ping - 5 hrs later: ping back
Long story about a new purchase - 5 hrs later: yay, go you!
Needy crap about your response rate - soz, busy, you know how it is

Please don't allow him to spoil the last few weeks of your pregnancy, this could be your last chance to relax for a long, long time. He's an entitled man who comes across as manipulative. I would send the 'hello everyone' text suggested above and then never, ever get in touch with him. Ever. As long as people keep enabling this behaviour by engaging with him, he will not get help for his issues. See cutting contact as helping him, and do it. For both your sakes.

@OneMoreForExtra

Have you heard of 'grey rock'? It's shorthand for a non-confrontational way of engaging with narcissistic people. You don't ignore, which can be provoking, you don't directly confront, you just respond as minimally and boringly as possible. The person moves on to get their social reward from more obliging people. No idea if your leech is a narcissist but it might work if you want to ease him away and not spend any more mental energy on it

Ping - 5 hrs later: ping back
Long story about a new purchase - 5 hrs later: yay, go you!
Needy crap about your response rate - soz, busy, you know how it is

This is my strategy. It’s not working very well but I will try to be even more boring!

He just sounds really irritating. I'd have lost my patience ages ago. When your baby comes you won't have time for this anyway. He doesn't sound like a friend to me, he is using you to prop up his self esteem. Just drop out of his orbit once your baby arrives.