... to ask a friend to contact me less?

[eeek88]

I have a friend who contacts me on average 1-2 times a day but it can be a lot more. He never has anything to say, just wants attention. A typical interaction will be 'ping' or 'ello', or 'I'm drunk' or 'just had a 3-hour nap'. Nothing interesting. But once he's started a conversation he expects a response and wants me to do all the footwork in terms of coming up with interesting subject matter and keeping the conversation going.

If I don't reply, or don't give him extended responses, he can be a bit passive aggressive eg. sending longer messages about how he's worried about me because I don't reply as swiftly as I used to (I've repeatedly explained that I have a full-time job, and a farm to run, and hobbies that don't involve being on social media 24/7, so it's nothing personal but I just don't have loads of time...) or posting really desperate Facebook statuses about how every conversation he instigates ends within 2 minutes.

He has pretty major mental health problems and I have always felt a sense of responsibility towards him (he is a relic of an older friendship group that has pretty much disbanded, with people moving away, moving on with their lives etc). Pre-COVID we used to meet for a coffee a couple of times a month and I used to enjoy this time together although we don't have anything in common really. In between face-to-face meetings he didn't pester me nearly so much, so I didn't find the friendship a burden.

But now his neediness is seriously ramping up, and I can't take it. I'm busy. I'm due to give birth in 2 weeks (a fact he keeps forgetting - I think he's in denial). The other day he messaged me to say 'fanny' - an alternative greeting I guess, but not one I particularly appreciated, so I ignored it. A few hours later, at 2am, another message, this time using the nickname that ONLY my partner uses, which made me feel kind of weird. Every time I go on facebook he pops up. It's friendly but getting more and more insistent and makes me feel under pressure.

I CANNOT be his go-to person whenever he feels lonely, shit, bored, drunk, tired, etc etc etc. I don't know how to say this to him. He needs to get off his arse and find ways to occupy his time. I totally understand that this is easier said than done in a pandemic when your mental health is terrible and you don't work or have any hobbies. But I spent a year trying to talk him out of giving up his job (which was perfect for him, he just couldn't see it) only for him to ignore me and quit anyway. Since then he's been desperately lonely and bored, and increasingly unemployable and needy...

I've tried to support him in every way I can think of... I've suggested he joins me with arty projects which is literally the only crossover of our interests and he said he didn't have the motivation. Fine, but maybe he shouldn't expect me to have the motivation to express an interest whenever he takes a nap or spends money he hasn't got on a stupid impulse purchase. I've invited him to cycle over to my place (he doesn't drive) for a socially-distanced cup of tea and bowl of soup and he blocks out a day in the diary weeks in advance, then bails last-minute. In between lockdowns I even hosted a BBQ for him at my place - he invited the guests, I did EVERYTHING ELSE (bought the food, bought the drink, cooked the food, tidied up afterwards, gave him a lift here, dropped him home afterwards) - because I could see how desperately he needed some social interaction and a treat, but not only did he not help out in the tiniest way, he immediately demanded another one. FFS. Couldn't even pick up a packet of bread rolls while I was on my way to fetch him with a big stock trailer that's really awkward to park, because he had no money, but expects me to be all thrilled for him whenever he splurges money he can't afford on big purchases...

AIBU if I ask him to contact me less? If so, how can I do this as kindly but as firmly as possible? Or should I continue to be supportive because that's what friends do, even though his terrible decisions frustrate me, and my patience is slipping away? When my baby is born I assume I will have even less patience and time, so should I spell out this fact to him, to prepare him for the inevitable, or just let him work it out for himself?

Maybe steer clear of holding parties for him as it gives the impression you are a good friend. If you dont want to be, back off a bit. Be clearer.

I've had people like this. I've had to block for the sake of sanity. We're too nice and kind for our own good sometimes. They sense this and play and manipulate on it.

With the people I know that I'm building friendships with, usually i keep it for a e.g. Have a good weekend , sent on fridays, on occasion there's the odd topic in the week, but generally i just try to do the check in on the weekend one and do a week summary that way, if it's a more closer friend then if it was each day, then it would just be the , how are you, what you having for tea, and some evenings it would be quiet unless we got engaged in a conversation, but other than those I prefer more quality control on the topics,

@OneMoreForExtra

Have you heard of 'grey rock'? It's shorthand for a non-confrontational way of engaging with narcissistic people. You don't ignore, which can be provoking, you don't directly confront, you just respond as minimally and boringly as possible. The person moves on to get their social reward from more obliging people. No idea if your leech is a narcissist but it might work if you want to ease him away and not spend any more mental energy on it

Ping - 5 hrs later: ping back
Long story about a new purchase - 5 hrs later: yay, go you!
Needy crap about your response rate - soz, busy, you know how it is

I would begin with @forrestgreen’s general ‘putting my phone aside for a few weeks’ message, with the plan of removing this man from your life in a managed but final way. You’ll have a baby, and you say the prospect is already alarming him. It’s a good chance to end the relationship permanently. He’s a leach who adds nothing to your life and drains your energy.

I did a text to a very needy friend. She basically wanted to farm out all her life jobs because it made her feel loved. Unfortunately I don't like doing my own jobs never mind someone else's crap. And I was dealing with my health issues.
I text similar to my suggestion above but with 'worried about my own mental health' and that I was stepped away from phone and social media.
I did feel bad but the relief was huge, she had definitely impacted on me.

We never learn from mistakes if we don’t know they are mistakes.

You sound a lovely person with inner strength that he is feeding off. He’s likely done it before and will continue to do so unless it’s pointed out to him that his behaviour is smothering and needy.

You’ve had amazing advice above in regards to mass text. Just wanted to say that I totally understand your dilemma, I’ve been that ‘too nice’ a person countless times before. It’s especially hard when you know someone struggles with mental health issues, you feel like crap for not being able to be there for them. But it’s too much for you, it’s totally understandable and you need to prioritise differently from here on out.
I say this as someone who has an older brother with schizophrenia. He has to pay his one ‘friend’ to spend time with him, no one wants anything to do with him. He’s exhausting to be around and that’s coming from his sister. I feel incredibly sorry for him but that unfortunately doesn’t mean I can drop my kids and family life to be there for him 24/7. I do whatever I can, but sometimes you need a break and that doesn’t make you a terrible person, at all. Good luck with baby 👶

I have a friend like this that I need to stay on friendly terms with because we are both part of a wider social group. I ended up muting her on everything I could and then checking once or trice a week and replying to anything I needed to, ignoring the more histrionic messages. Once I stopped responding so quickly she backed off and found her supply elsewhere.

But he's not your friend is he? Why do you feel responsible for him?
What are you getting out of this friendship?

Perhaps take longer to reply. Ignore the fanny messages and just be busy, which you will he even more so with a baby.
Stop letting him take from you.

Slowly move away from this friendship, it's one sided.

He's one of life's users.

Other's have distanced themselves because they know it.

He plagues you because you are the only woman that is putting up with this.

@forestgreen message is excellent.
Do this and block him and don't give him another thought.

He is not your project to fix.
He's using you and you are allowing it.

He will only increase his imposing on you.

Do you want this situation to continue indefinitely?

You owe him nothing.
Focus on your family and new baby and block the user.

I have a male cousin like this. He will often message with stuff I feel quite inappropriate and creepy. If I ignore it, he just keeps messaging, and when I do respond my messages are pretty short and to the point but he doesn’t get the hint.

I assume he is lonely as lives alone but we haven’t even seen each other in years and years due to family falling outs so we have no real adult relationship.

I can totally empathise with the dread you feel when a message from him pops up. Honestly though, you cannot and should not be or feel responsibility. He has a social worker and if he wants friends, he needs to learn how that works and it is not with the type of bordering on harassing messaging he is doing to you.

Stop replying (also trying to take my own advice!!!

@Bandino

Maybe steer clear of holding parties for him as it gives the impression you are a good friend. If you dont want to be, back off a bit. Be clearer.

I was happy for him to consider me one of his closest friends, though I didn’t feel the same way about him (I have many people in my life who I find more interesting and rewarding to spend time with). We share a birthday which is where the occasional joint party came in. But I’m not happy to be the mum of a 38-year-old with the maturity and self-control of an 8-year-old, which is what seems to be happening. Basically I’ve outgrown him. For 12 years I’ve been growing up, taking on new responsibilities and projects, while he has remained fixed in his ambition to do as little as possible.

All he wants to do is party but between the plague, his lack of transport, his failure to contribute to making parties happen, his old friends growing up, and his total lack of self control around an unattended packet of tobacco or bottle of booze, the invitations have gradually dwindled to nothing.

It’s sad. Hence my reluctance to be crueller than necessary.

@Silenceisgolden20

But he's not your friend is he? Why do you feel responsible for him? What are you getting out of this friendship?

Perhaps take longer to reply. Ignore the fanny messages and just be busy, which you will he even more so with a baby.
Stop letting him take from you.

Slowly move away from this friendship, it's one sided.

Basically I believe that care in the community was made for people like him, who hover at the edges of social care provision, who can and should live independently with support from their community. The alternative is he has a massive breakdown and ends up institutionalised, which would be a shame and a massive waste of resources - and unnecessary.

I’ve felt quite strongly about this for a long time, and until COVID came along, it worked. There was balance. He’s well known in town and all he had to do was park himself on a bench on a sunny day and there would be a steady stream of people greeting him or stopping for brief chats, or he could buy a coffee or pint and be humoured by the staff, who all know him by name. Unfortunately since COVID, these options have massively dwindled. Cafes and pubs closed or at best not geared up to people wandering in and loitering by the counter, streets dead. So he’s trying to fill the void with 24/7 messaging and, I suspect, rather too much booze, driving everybody round the bend and feeling ever more lonely.

I wish he would drop his standards a bit and reach out to others in his situation instead of only wanting contact with interesting people who have better things to do!

@Youngatheart00

I have a male cousin like this. He will often message with stuff I feel quite inappropriate and creepy. If I ignore it, he just keeps messaging, and when I do respond my messages are pretty short and to the point but he doesn’t get the hint.

I assume he is lonely as lives alone but we haven’t even seen each other in years and years due to family falling outs so we have no real adult relationship.

I can totally empathise with the dread you feel when a message from him pops up. Honestly though, you cannot and should not be or feel responsibility. He has a social worker and if he wants friends, he needs to learn how that works and it is not with the type of bordering on harassing messaging he is doing to you.

Stop replying (also trying to take my own advice!!!

I think my friend is your cousin....

Thanks for the good advice everybody! Makes me feel like less of a bitch.

@eeek88 oh imagine if it was 🙈 age is a couple of years off or I’d worry if it was.

My latest strategy is to mute WhatsApp notifications from him and when I open the app and see his messages I’m now just swiping and deleting so he’ll see I’m not reading them

He can still see when I’m online though which is a real pain

@forrestgreen

Tbh I only read your first paragraph. I'd send something along the line of

" Hi, (don't put his name, pretend it's a mass text), just letting you know it's only x days until I hopefully give birth. With the farm, x and x you can imagine how busy life is already. So I've decided to put my phone away for a few weeks. I'll obviously do a mass text when the baby comes. But aside from that sorry I'm incommunicado for a while. Hope you stay well."

And then probably don't ever answer a message from him again. Once you've had space you won't want to go back.

Brilliant 👍 And as another poster said, start it Hi Everyone! (I hope you’re all well in these strange times would make it even more generic)

Then you're being a martyr. Stop it.

There's care in the community and there's looking after yourself if this is effecting you and it's effecting you.

Get some boundaries and use them.

You're wishing he would do this (back off etc) and do that but at the same time you say he needs professional support so why are you expecting that he will do the things you hope. He won't.

He's not going to and you can't control that. You can control how you respond and you need to stop pussy footing around it and just do it. Step away and ease out of it.

@Youngatheart00

I have a male cousin like this. He will often message with stuff I feel quite inappropriate and creepy. If I ignore it, he just keeps messaging, and when I do respond my messages are pretty short and to the point but he doesn’t get the hint.

I assume he is lonely as lives alone but we haven’t even seen each other in years and years due to family falling outs so we have no real adult relationship.

I can totally empathise with the dread you feel when a message from him pops up. Honestly though, you cannot and should not be or feel responsibility. He has a social worker and if he wants friends, he needs to learn how that works and it is not with the type of bordering on harassing messaging he is doing to you.

Stop replying (also trying to take my own advice!!!

Why have you not blocked him? Because he's your cousin? Why on earth are you accepting these messages?

Yep, the hi everyone, message is good.

@forrestgreen

Tbh I only read your first paragraph. I'd send something along the line of

" Hi, (don't put his name, pretend it's a mass text), just letting you know it's only x days until I hopefully give birth. With the farm, x and x you can imagine how busy life is already. So I've decided to put my phone away for a few weeks. I'll obviously do a mass text when the baby comes. But aside from that sorry I'm incommunicado for a while. Hope you stay well."

And then probably don't ever answer a message from him again. Once you've had space you won't want to go back.

This!

I mean this kindly but you are encouraging this dynamic by hosting parties, buying everything, giving him lifts etc.
Boundaries work both ways.

He can't respect a boundary that you've never set.

Massively reduce your response rate to texts, and be polite but breezy in person.