Dreading coming out of lockdown.

[Beep9724]

I appreciate that most people don’t feel like this and can’t wait to see their families. I want to get out of this mess too but there’s parts of me that’s dreading it!

Mainly to do with our difficult families. Every weekend we would be guilt tripped into visiting my family. They aren’t elderly or lonely just needy and often toxic. Dm always asking to lend her money.

We always wanted some time just the 4 of us (dp, me and 2 dc) and due to lockdown we finally got that and we have LOVED it!! Before lockdown we would work all week and then visit family at the weekends (both a 20 minute drive away so not far but quite time consuming).

We’ve enjoyed weekends just the 4 of us. I wake up so much more relaxed on a Saturday. We’ve got quite a lot of work done in the house and garden. Lockdown hasn’t been a negative time for me - I appreciate that it’s not the same for most people.

It’s also mil. I find her easier than my own family but she’s prone to turning up unannounced at weird times - think 8pm when kids were going bed. Lockdown has been amazing as that hasn’t happened. I can relax on a Sunday without thinking mil is going to turn up. She can be quite judgmental and controlling too but still easier than my own family.

Of course I’m not saying we aren’t going to see them but I think I need to stand my ground and say we also want time just the 4 of us.

My mental health has been much improved during lcokdown. I know this isn’t the same for everyone. I’m probably in the minority here but I worry about getting back to how things were before covid. Weekends were stressful, busy and rushed. It’s nice living and not being expected to do anything to please others people.

Both our families, particularly mine can be quite difficult, almost toxic. They are controlling, judgmental and try and dictate what I do! My siblings are hard work. There’s no closeness.

I probably sound like a right cow. But I just love my own company and crap at saying no to people!

I want to enjoy a summer with my partner and children with only occasional visits to the family? Aibu? They aren’t lonely after all!

What is normal on how often to see family? My mum sees her parents every single day and I just couldn’t do it! 😭

I'm dreading it too in a way, for different reasons but I do get where you're coming from.

I think it’s wonderful you’ve enjoyed this time, don’t feel guilty about it!

You’ve discovered what healthy boundaries are and the benefits of them. WhT about agreeing with DP that 1 weekend a month is family -visiting time, and you pre-plan that with your relatives and in-laws.

Watching with interest as I’m in same boat as you!

I used to see my parents every week and MIL once a week too but not on weekends.
MIL came over in the week as the children were finishing school and stayed for tea and the evening.
My parents would come over late morning and stay for a few hours after school. Obviously that might not be an option for you but at least it might free up your weekend?

I can’t wait to get out of lockdown, but I understand completely where you’re coming from regarding the family situation. We went NC with in laws before lockdown for numerous reasons, but a part of their awful behaviour was guilt tripping us into spending inordinate amounts of time with them (like your family, they are not lonely in the slightest), but would spend the entire time being cruel, toxic, deliberately disinterested, jealous of any other people in our life that didn’t have a connection to them. Not seeing them has been so liberating, so I know how you feel.

I think you can plausibly say that lockdown has opened your eyes to how important time as a four is to you and that you’ll be maintaining that going forward. That way it doesn’t make it personal, and you get what you would like more of without making it specifically about them. Hopefully they respect your boundaries. If not, you’ll have to firmer.

Don’t be guilted. Just say no!
Insist she call and arrange to come round. If she simply turns up then say it isn’t convenient.
Good luck OP.

@Annabell80

I used to see my parents every week and MIL once a week too but not on weekends. MIL came over in the week as the children were finishing school and stayed for tea and the evening. My parents would come over late morning and stay for a few hours after school. Obviously that might not be an option for you but at least it might free up your weekend?

It’s a good idea, thank you but not really achievable due to living 20 mins away (I know that far but 40 minutes round trip) plus we all work different hours which change! They never come here anyway, it always seems to be our job to go there 🙁

Workout what you want your boundaries to be and stick to them.

Don't waste your time, energy and potential pleasure on people that you only see out of fear, obligation or guilt.

@ServeTheServants

I can’t wait to get out of lockdown, but I understand completely where you’re coming from regarding the family situation. We went NC with in laws before lockdown for numerous reasons, but a part of their awful behaviour was guilt tripping us into spending inordinate amounts of time with them (like your family, they are not lonely in the slightest), but would spend the entire time being cruel, toxic, deliberately disinterested, jealous of any other people in our life that didn’t have a connection to them. Not seeing them has been so liberating, so I know how you feel.

I think you can plausibly say that lockdown has opened your eyes to how important time as a four is to you and that you’ll be maintaining that going forward. That way it doesn’t make it personal, and you get what you would like more of without making it specifically about them. Hopefully they respect your boundaries. If not, you’ll have to firmer.

Thank you! There are definitely parts of lockdown ending I’m looking forward to - being able to get out and about more etc. This just a part of it with an issue that’s been going on for many years way before covid and covid has opened my eyes to it how much happier I am doing my own thing!

You are not being unreasonable to not go back to how things were. But honestly you need to grow a back bone. You have got to learn to say sorry but that doesn't suit me. The world won't end if you do, I promise you

thanks all! As well as wanting to us to come over, sometimes they’d want to meet up somewhere (always in their area). Thing is I sound awful but h hate going out with them. Me and dp are the quiet type, try and blend in. My family are so loud, like to be the centre of attention, will pick arguments with anyone who looks at them the wrong way! It’s exhausting. We are total opposites and I hate going out with them! There’s always a drama of some kind!

I need to be firmer. But they aren’t the easiest to speak to and I’ll be made to the look like the bad guy!

I agree with what servetheservants said about how lockdown has made you realise how important it is to spend time as your family unit. The old habit of seeing them every weekend is broken - don’t let it re-establish. Decide how often you want to see them and be firm.

@Hahaha88

You are not being unreasonable to not go back to how things were. But honestly you need to grow a back bone. You have got to learn to say sorry but that doesn't suit me. The world won't end if you do, I promise you

Totally, I agree but as above my family aren’t the easiest speak to. It’s safe to say I’m ‘scared’ of my own mother and her temper. Dp keeps reassuring me that even if she gets funny that is her choice, not mine and not on me but I hate arguments!

Sorry, just read that back and it doesn’t make complete sense! I meant tell your family what lockdown has made you realise about the importance of spending time as just the four of you.

Couldn't agree more, i've enjoyed the last year too (also recognise i'm lucky to be able to say that). I'll be setting social boundaries, parents will get a visit once a month (they are an hour away) and i'll be limiting other commitments too. More than ever, i've realised how stressed i was before and it turns out i actually like being at home!

There's no normal in terms of seeing family, all families are different. You're going to need to toughen up and set clearer boundaries when lockdown ends or not answer the door in Mumsnet stylee if the timing of a visit doesn't suit you.

I totally get it, OP. You do definitely need time to yourselves, and I think you'll have to just tell your family that you won't be visiting every weekend any more. It'll be difficult, but much easier if your DH/DP is on board

You absolutely need to ‘take back control’ of your time and learn to say ‘no’, OP. Loud and clear. If you insist on behaving like a doormat, that is how people will treat you.

It can be hard to say no to family members for the first time, but it soon gets easier.

Explain politely what your boundaries are, repeat whenever necessary and stick to them. If they fall out with you as a result that's their problem. You're entitled to your own life and to family time.

You are not being unreasonable to not go back to how things were. But honestly you need to grow a back bone. You have got to learn to say sorry but that doesn't suit me. The world won't end if you do, I promise you

I agree with this. You need to learn not to feel guilt tripped into giving up every weekend. Just say that you are busy.

I guess we are lucky that we live too far from family to feel guilt tripped into seeing them all the time, but if they lived nearer we would still only see them on our terms.

It sounds like you are lacking in self confiedence and assertiveness.

Just don't go back to how things were. Set a different agenda, if you must set one at all.

Personally, I wouldn't set any sort of timetable. Just see people as and when. You don't exactly live far apart. If someone suggests something that doesn't suit you then say so. You'll make another arrangement some other time.

Keep it casual. No schedule needed.

I think this is a great opportunity to set your boundaries. Say you hvae enjoyed spending more time as a family and are going to only visit every 2/3 weeks or whatever you want.

The first time MIL says she might pop round, state your boundaries.
Her :"Oh I might pop by over the weekend"
You : " actually would you mind not dropping by unannounced we have found it much more relaxing not having to be "guest ready" over the past few months. Perhaps we could schedule a time such as XXX"

You're not wrong for wanting time as a 4 but you need to control this as lockdown will end. Also 20mins is absolutely nothing so don't think of it as their area its your area too. Push back a bit and offer them time at yours if they don't want to make the 'journey' that's on them.

I get where you’re coming from. I would take the opportunity to reset things e.g. enforce boundaries with MIL just randomly rocking up, not let going to visit people take over your weekend and more time for you as a 4

I think this is a good time to make the break. Lockdown has given you the mental break so that you're better equipped to impose boundaries. You've avoided the problem for too long and you need to put your big girl hat on and deal with what is clearly an enormous issue.