Dreading coming out of lockdown.

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I appreciate that most people don’t feel like this and can’t wait to see their families. I want to get out of this mess too but there’s parts of me that’s dreading it!

Mainly to do with our difficult families. Every weekend we would be guilt tripped into visiting my family. They aren’t elderly or lonely just needy and often toxic. Dm always asking to lend her money.

We always wanted some time just the 4 of us (dp, me and 2 dc) and due to lockdown we finally got that and we have LOVED it!! Before lockdown we would work all week and then visit family at the weekends (both a 20 minute drive away so not far but quite time consuming).

We’ve enjoyed weekends just the 4 of us. I wake up so much more relaxed on a Saturday. We’ve got quite a lot of work done in the house and garden. Lockdown hasn’t been a negative time for me - I appreciate that it’s not the same for most people.

It’s also mil. I find her easier than my own family but she’s prone to turning up unannounced at weird times - think 8pm when kids were going bed. Lockdown has been amazing as that hasn’t happened. I can relax on a Sunday without thinking mil is going to turn up. She can be quite judgmental and controlling too but still easier than my own family.

Of course I’m not saying we aren’t going to see them but I think I need to stand my ground and say we also want time just the 4 of us.

My mental health has been much improved during lcokdown. I know this isn’t the same for everyone. I’m probably in the minority here but I worry about getting back to how things were before covid. Weekends were stressful, busy and rushed. It’s nice living and not being expected to do anything to please others people.

Both our families, particularly mine can be quite difficult, almost toxic. They are controlling, judgmental and try and dictate what I do! My siblings are hard work. There’s no closeness.

I probably sound like a right cow. But I just love my own company and crap at saying no to people!

I want to enjoy a summer with my partner and children with only occasional visits to the family? Aibu? They aren’t lonely after all!

What is normal on how often to see family? My mum sees her parents every single day and I just couldn’t do it! 😭

You never know, they might have come to like a bit of space too. Time to woman up and find your boundaries. Same for your DH.

We're not local to family so see one side about 4x a year and the others maybe 6. No more than once a month. If they were local I'd probably go once a month to both.

You’re far from the only one who feels like this - I do a bit and I’ve got friends who definitely do. It’s going to be hard to re-establish boundaries but you’ve got to get a good balance between doing right by your wider family and what’s best for you.

I completely agree OP.

My family are prone to 'popping in' just as you sit down for dinner, drives me mad.

Each weekend it was all planning which side of the family we would go and see or who would come round.

Lockdown has been so lovely just being in the house just us, no commitments, no birthday parties, no events. We have loved it.

I am not allowed to say this in real life to anyone though as most people have hated it.

But being able to be a small nuclear family has been so lovely for all of us.

Its worth noting your family have managed a year without you. They might not have liked it, but they've been ok.

So when they guilt trip you, remember that, they were fine for a year.

See this as a fresh start, once a month only. If they kick off and flounce they will miss out!

You are not being selfish at all. I think lockdown has made a lot of people reevaluate what they spend their time doing and whether they want to change their priorities. If you feel you have to say anything say you realize how much the children need family time in your small group. And that it is not negotiable. At some point I think there will be a showdown - unreasonable people dont suddenly get a clue and behave better. Stick to what is right for you. You dont owe them anything.

If you hate being with your loud and picking fights family, think how your children feel and then act to make your little foursome the way it is most of the time. I would only visit once a month, if that, and only if they weren't rude or horrid, if they were, I'd go very low contact. You don't have to live in fear of your mum and her sharp tongue, and I suggest you don't for your children's sakes, how must they feel being around these people if you don't like it?

Don't waste this opportunity to make the changes in your life that make YOU happy.

You have ONE life.

Just ONE. Create the life you want.

You can start by being partially honest with the most toxic rellies. Tell them straight how happier and more content you were when you weren't seeing the family so often. Then set your own boundaries and stick to them.

Same here but just with my side. Won’t be going back to seeing them every other week. I thought that was healthy boundaries as it used to be more frequently than that.
I don’t feel ill all the time now, so no way am I going back to choosing others before me.

Put the boundaries in and stick to them.

Once a month is plenty, depending how many separate visits that is. We have 3 separate grandparent units. I don't want to see more than one of them per week, some of them I would be quite happy to see once a year. It annoys me that they think they can come over every week, if they all do that we would have them round 3 days out of every 7 and no time for anything else.
It's obviously different if you like seeing them but in our case they are bitter, negative and critical and I literally spend the time hoping they will leave soon.

Just. Say. No.

I see my mum every week because I enjoy her company. Same with my dad and stepmum. In laws are abroad so see them once a year usually, I wish it was more as they’re fab.
I have some family members whose company I don’t enjoy, so I don’t see them. I don’t need a lockdown for that.

You're not alone, as a family we've relished the slower pace, having the space and time to just be us as a family unit. Its like we've had time to breathe and are all happier for it. We've had a lucky lockdown though, still working and earning so no financial worries. Enough space and garden at home to not feel on top of each other. Family local so were able to still see them albeit from the doorstep on a walk or outside when it was allowed.

We get on well with our families and it will be fabulous to hug and have them over for dinner again sometimes. But we've not missed the busyness of our old life, the mither for playdates (from other kids!) and friends inviting themselves over or turning up. Definitely need to work on the 'that doesn't work for me' line and being firm. We will definitely be cutting back on the activities we did once this is over. Between us all and our different activities/hobbies/social/school/work/visitors there was so little time to just be and be together. We won't be giving that time and space up again easily although DH can't wait to visit the pub and I can't wait for a theatre trip! I've quite a few friends who say similar so you're definitely not alone even if the reasons are different.

It's a shame that it's taken such an awful situation to make some of us realise that pre-covid life just wasn't working well for us and what made a lot of people happy before actually drained the life out of some of us.

I get where you are coming from too. It's not just in-laws, it is also things like the tyranny of the office party (if you don't attend you're a misery and not a team player). People need to assert the boundaries they've discovered over the last year and ditch any guilt.

I’d agree op you need to step up here. You with your family and your partner with his. You can’t rely on lockdown to do it for you. If anything lockdown should have shown you that. So instead if dreading it, you should be making it clear now.

Im so glad I'm not on my own! I have enjoyed the lockdown although I can totally understand why other people are struggling.
I would call this a reset and start as you mean to go on. Just tell the family that you have gotten into a new routine that you are all happy with and you're going to stick with it. It doesn't mean you're cutting everyone off, you're just reinstating a few boundaries.

I'm watching this intently as I am in a similar position. Although I miss my parents and siblings massively, I have not missed seeing my in-laws at all.

I have a DC who was a baby when Covid started and I've loved the chance to raise my now toddler without my in-laws interfering or trying to take charge. I feel very confident in my parenting abilities and have built a really strong relationship with my beautiful toddler - I genuinely don't think that would have happened so easily if my in-laws had been interfering and undermining me on a regular basis.

As others have said, I have learned all about boundaries this year. I saw a post on another thread about something similar to this, and one suggestions was blocking out your calendar for weekends in advance with things you want to do (e.g. going to the zoo or seeing friends or just a day out shopping or whatever) so that you can't make plans to spend time with people you don't want to spend time with. Plus if people turn up unwanted or uninvited on your doorstep you won't be there to answer the door. Win win!

I'm amazed at the number of people who spend time going round the rellies. This is something I've never done. I used to think I was odd because of it but I like my own time and own company to do with as I see fit. I see my Mum once a week and my siblings, whenever, nothing is ever set in stone. DH is the same with his family. I would go crazy otherwise. You have to create your own time with your own family. Like others have said, the world isn't going to stop turning because you said no. What's the worst that can happen? They get a bit uppity! Perhaps they will have a gossip and bitch about the situation. But all the more reason for not making endless time for them, just enjoy your time, you only get one shot at it, don't spend it being miserable to fulfil the needs of others.

The suddenness of it has knocked me a bit. I have been far more efficient in lock down..loved the peace...knew it couldn't last for ever...my arse is now the size of a small country..going to miss my dogs so much...

Me to op for similar reasons but also different reasons. It's highlighted where I need to make changes and how unhappy I was before.

Can't blame you at all

I do enjoy seeing some family and have really missed some get togethers, but not all!

We have spent some quality time as a couple and a foursome and I won't be going back to doing as much as before

Start talking about it now so it's not a shock for them; don't wait until the deadlines are upon you!

Plan things in and out for just the 4 of you

I hear you OP. Ive already had messages from my DSis saying she cant wait for us all to get together as soon as possible for a BBQ in her garden. Frankly, i cant think of anything worse! I am known as the anti-social bugger in the family though but i just prefer my own company and to be left out of the social events that usually lead to arguments at some point during the day!

In terms of people dropping by we had this with mil. On two occasions we told her it wasn't convenient when she turned up. On another we were on our way out so she had to go home and she arrived once when we were so busy we had to leave her in the lounge watching TV on her own because of kids kicking off, and other things going on. We now ask for them to tell us when they're coming because we are really busy. If it's not ok we tell them it's not ok.

There are lots of people in your position ....delighted of course that the bereavements, loneliness and financial suffering will reduce, but anxious about social obligations looming large.

It’s good that your OH agrees with you. Unity will help!