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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Non Celebration of Birthday

68 replies

FlatChestAthlete · 24/02/2021 17:22

Name change, apologies.
In a new relationship, less than a year. DP doesn't believe in Valentines Day and told me long ago, so that's fine. A few days later is my birthday. DP doesn't message much in the week so was not unusual not to hear any mention of my birthday in the lead up. I certainly wasn't going to mention it! Birthday came and went, no card no present, not even a message wishing me happy birthday. Just finally discussed it. After a week of seething! DP doesn't believe in marking grown ups birthdays, only kids. AIBU to expect to have been told this in advance of the first birthday in our relationship to come around? And secondly to not even wish me happy birthday?? WTF?!?

OP posts:

Dogscanteatonions · 26/02/2021 04:35

She doesn't care enough about you to want to make you happy. Think about that.

MyOtherProfile · 26/02/2021 04:36

Has she had a birthday while you have been together?

AnotherEmma · 26/02/2021 04:42

She sounds like a crap girlfriend. End it.

ChocOrange1 · 26/02/2021 04:53

Less than a year, I wouldn't be reading books about intimacy and trying to fix her, I'd be off
I agree. If its this much effort now, its only going to get harder. The first years of a relationship should be having fun, sex, getting to know each other, not trying to change your or their personality to fit together.

ChocOrange1 · 26/02/2021 04:54

@MyOtherProfile

Has she had a birthday while you have been together?

Good question

Blockedoff · 26/02/2021 05:27

@ChocOrange1 Op says she has had a birthday and looks like she'd received gifts!

@FlatChestAthlete get rid in my opinion!

PutItInNeutral · 26/02/2021 07:29

I would be seriously considering finishing things with him. He doesn’t ask you your point of view on these dates, he just does what he wants (he does nothing).

If this is how he treats you after being together less than a year, this doesn’t bode well.

Hibbs126 · 26/02/2021 09:12

I could have posted something similar the other day. My husband doesnt do valentines which is fine, I think most of it is just commercial gimmicks but I try to cook a nice meal or something.
He is not good at buying presents for birthdays/christmas for everyone not just me. Just had my birthday and got nothing - well he did make me a cake but only after numerous hints and me buying the ingredients for it. It does make me sad that he cant put the effort in to think of something to get me. It doesnt have to be amazing I would be happy with a bunch of flowers. I've decided next year I will treat myself to flowers/chocolates/something else I want to mark the day myself. I'm currently pregnant and know there is no hope of getting a mother's day present until the child is old enough to go shopping themselves!

Newkitchen123 · 26/02/2021 09:29

Sounds like she wants everything her own way. Sounds a bit dictatorial to me.
My husband isn't a big one for cards, but did get me an anniversary card because he knew I'd like it. We don't do valentines but that's a joint choice. I cannot imagine my birthday going unacknowledged.
I'd get rid because for one you sound incompatible and for another if you stay together it looks like you'll be dancing to her tune. New relationships are supposed to be exciting, not hard work. What's in it for you? Where do you get a say in how things work?

Original poster

FlatChestAthlete · 26/02/2021 11:31

I think if normality reigned at the moment then maybe we'd have had the chance to meet and speak in the lead up to my birthday and had that chat about birthday celebrations. Her voice message saying I don't really celebrate older folks birthdays was maybe an excuse in her mind to excuse her lack of action. She has switched us off in her head to get through current demanding challenges she is dealing with being away with work. I'm trying to understand and accept that even though it is totally alien to me and others I have spoken to. Can I be with someone who can do that?? I am a heart on the sleeve type and can have string emotions that I cannot hide. I think it is a defence mechanism for her hence previous post about intimacy issues. Apparently I've been hard work during this period as I've been demanding?! She wants us to go out and date again when she returns. Sounds a bit like she is wanting to reset the clock or progress and start from the beginning again when it's all fresh, exciting and new? That would further support the lack of intimacy problem. But I feel I need to see this through just so I know, even if it hurts a lot soon after. I could have ended it in January and have moved on emotionally by now, which I very nearly did. Feel like I'm committed now. Sorry, rambling now...

OP posts:

mainsfed · 26/02/2021 12:37

No, you don't need to be committed! You can end it any time!

It is the memory of getting that back that is keeping me from ending it

I suspect you will be buying her birthday presents and cards and she will never acknowledge yours.

Dump now.

MrsTerryPratchett · 26/02/2021 13:58

Fallacy of sunken costs. You're throwing good time after bad.

Your choice of course.

SleepingStandingUp · 26/02/2021 14:07

could have ended it in January and have moved on emotionally by now, which I very nearly did. Feel like I'm committed now.. It's a MONTH later, you sound like you haven't seen each other in that time and I'm assuming we didn't miss and a wedding and a baby so no, you're not committed. And she wants to date when she gets back so she Def isn't.

Lemonyfuckit · 26/02/2021 14:20

@FlatChestAthlete I know this probably isn't what you want to hear, but all the talking about what your counsellor friend has said and wondering whether your DP has intimacy issues / maybe disconnects as a way of getting through a difficult and intense period away at work but definitely wants to reconnect when 'normality' resumes.....comes across to me as though you're trying to make excuses for her to convince yourself that it's all fine, when in fact you're actually very disappointed with this behaviour (including the no effort for your birthday, and just general lack of communication etc) and this isn't giving you what you want and hoped for from the relationship.

So I suppose the question you need to ask yourself is, irrespective of any intimacy issues she may or may not have etc, whether this is working for you? People very rarely change, and I think that old adage about when someone shows you who they are, believe them, is very much true. So basically, does the level of engagement / interaction / effort and interest etc that this person shows you, fulfil and make you happy, or deep down is it not enough for you? There's no right or wrong, everyone wants and needs different things from relationships, but it does comes down to does this relationship make you happy or not.

PattyPan · 26/02/2021 14:48

Bin her. Even if she doesn’t want to celebrate, it doesn’t excuse not sending you a quick text to wish you a happy birthday. That takes no time or effort, the work excuse doesn’t stack up to me.

Original poster

FlatChestAthlete · 26/02/2021 15:17

@Lemonyfuckit before she had to suddenly leave for work, yes we were blissfully happy. I know it was less than a year at that point, but thought I'd found the one. She admitted she had never fallen as hard for anyone in her life. So yes, at that point last year I was in heaven and had no doubt we were meant to be together. Never been happier in my life.
However I did say to her recently that you can find out more about someone in adversity and I was seeing a different side to her. She said when she gets back she'll be back to the same person and it'll all be fine. I think she would have preferred us to take a break while she was away, which I didn't go along with as I could not go from heaven to hell in a day and then switch my feelings back on months later. However she has acted like we are not in a relationship during this time as it makes it easier to cope with what she's dealing with working 7 days a week withing days. Of this was someone who worked away regularly and did this to me I'd be long gone. This is a one off extraordinary event for her. If I'm still around when she comes back I will make it clear that can never happen again, and she also has to show me that she can empathise with how that period was for me, and make it up to me. O had better get more than a Toblerone from an airport as a gift too!

OP posts:

Cardinella · 26/02/2021 15:27

Sounds like a keeper that one!

A real barrel of laughs... 🙄

Newkitchen123 · 26/02/2021 18:43

My husband works away for a couple of months at a time 10 hours a day, 7 days a week. It's shit. But we do facetime every day while he's away. He doesn't just pretend I don't exist while he's away and then expect to carry on where we left off when he comes home!

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