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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Non Celebration of Birthday

68 replies

FlatChestAthlete · 24/02/2021 17:22

Name change, apologies.
In a new relationship, less than a year. DP doesn't believe in Valentines Day and told me long ago, so that's fine. A few days later is my birthday. DP doesn't message much in the week so was not unusual not to hear any mention of my birthday in the lead up. I certainly wasn't going to mention it! Birthday came and went, no card no present, not even a message wishing me happy birthday. Just finally discussed it. After a week of seething! DP doesn't believe in marking grown ups birthdays, only kids. AIBU to expect to have been told this in advance of the first birthday in our relationship to come around? And secondly to not even wish me happy birthday?? WTF?!?

OP posts:
BloodyCovid · 25/02/2021 11:22

He will make you feel crap for the rest of the time you are together.

Is that a choice you want to make for your life?

Original poster
FlatChestAthlete · 25/02/2021 11:40

I know where DP is and what they are working on and why long unsociable hours are required for another couple of months then some normality will return. Before disappearing and we could see each other we were both convinced we had found the one finally. It is the memory of getting that back that is keeping me from ending it. I would always be wondering what would have been if I hadn't tried. I'm not stupid. I know I'm putting myself through this in the hope that when normality returns we connect again. DP wants the same. DP will not being going away for work and being unavailable again. Sorry, the nature of DPs work isn't something I am willing to share.

OP posts:
redheadwitch · 25/02/2021 11:47

Sounds like hes in the military. If I'm correct and he is I offer the following advice:
As an ex-forces wife, who has endured many deployments, I can assure you that efforts can still be made for special occasions. I received more bouquets of flowers while he was deployed than I ever have at other times.
Its a case of how much effort they choose to make. They are not living in holes for 6 months with access to only break and water y'know.

Youllbeoldertoo · 25/02/2021 17:46

Urgh he’s vile.

Swipeleftagain · 25/02/2021 18:06

A close friend of mine has a ‘D’ P like this. He doesn’t do birthdays so she gets nothing, they’ll maybe have a meal or something but no cards/presents/flowers. And she’s not allowed to get him anything on his either.

It really pisses me off but somehow I’m in the wrong if I say that rather than him. Why do women let dicks like this call all the shots? I really don’t like a lot of fuss for adult birthdays but everyone deserves to feel a bit special for one day.

Original poster
FlatChestAthlete · 25/02/2021 20:35

Not in the military, not that it matters. Ok, so I've been speaking to a friend who has been a counsellor in the past and she suggests I should consider whether DP has intimacy issues. One thing that struck me as typical behaviour was the subconscious attempt to destroy a relationship which gets too serious and they can feel they are losing control. So rather than give themselves to another person fully, they sabotage it so they don't risk being hurt if the other person leaves them in the future. I've been reading about it this evening and would explain a lot. Some of you will think I'm stupid and naive and just base this on the birthday issue no doubt.
And for clarity, not that it should matter, DP is a she not a he. Very fair assumption for you all to make, so not a problem.

OP posts:
Nicolastuffedone · 25/02/2021 20:51

.....or she could just be a miserable git.

Chloemol · 25/02/2021 21:28

Why are you with him! He may not celebrate, but you do, that should be enough for him to do something

Sorry he would be out if he did that to me

Merryoldgoat · 25/02/2021 21:32

There’s precious little other fun stuff at the moment - why wouldn’t you celebrate in SOME way?

You don’t sound compatible to me.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 26/02/2021 00:37

She doesn’t sound great! Too many rules and “this is how it’s going to be” coming from her - I don’t believe in xyz so it won’t be happening, it’s not a “given” I’ll text you in the week etc

Just ways to make you feel rubbish and not valued. I’d definitely bin her.

ClarkeGriffin · 26/02/2021 00:58

Up to you if this is a big deal or not. Sounds like it is so dump her. Less than a year in, nothing to lose. No point being unhappy for your whole life.

HeddaGarbled · 26/02/2021 01:09

She sounds joyless. I’m with her on Valentine’s Day but not acknowledging your birthday is a deliberate “look at me, I’m really radical” pose. Like an emo teenager who wants to be noticed for not “obeying societal conventions”. Too tiresome and eventually, soul-destroying. Get rid and find someone nicer, kinder, more generous, more thoughtful and less self-absorbed.

pallisers · 26/02/2021 01:14

@MadameButterface

rude. tight. bin. next.
agree. And I would add self-centered and self-absorbed.

You acknowledge birthdays, she doesn't but it doesn't occur to her to step outside her thing and wish you a happy birthday - no it is her way all the way.

iceicesunsun · 26/02/2021 01:17

Is he a JW?

SleepingStandingUp · 26/02/2021 01:19

Is your partner not celebrating your birthday a deal breaker? It's ok of it is. Would she expect you to not celebrate yours, moan about cards around the house, refuse to come to your party etc?

I mean it's weird she didn't mention it when you told her when your birthday was, but only you can know if it's too much.

Of you know she won't do anything but wouldn't stop you and would come along to a meal or a party but not buy and not expect anything from you, then how good is the rest of it and is it worth losing over a card and present a year?

katy1213 · 26/02/2021 01:31

Somehow it sounds even more joyless coming from another woman.

diagold4u · 26/02/2021 02:23

Get rid of him. He's will only bring further misery in to your life

BlueThistles · 26/02/2021 02:32

oh ffs stop trying to 'work him out' ... he's a Happiness Thief..

imagine having kids with this man... Christmas sadness ... Birthdays miserable as fook... Easter Bunny exposed... Bonfire nights with ear defenders on... Halloween with the blinds shut incase anyone dares has fun... perish the thought ... 🙄

GET HIM TO FOOK

CypressSwampmaiden · 26/02/2021 03:05

It's one thing to not want to make a big deal of your own birthday, but I'm sure she is well aware that most adults in this culture expect at least an acknowledgement of a birthday, unless they've stated otherwise. It doesn't have to be a huge fuss, but to just act like it didn't happen is strange.

Unless she's amazing in most other respects, I'd take this opportunity to re-evaluate the relationship. A person who's miserable about birthdays is probably not the kind of person I want to spend my life with, on average. If she's wonderful in most other ways, I'd consider just celebrating my birthday with other people, from now on, or on my own. It most definitely would be a deal-breaker for me if she tried to make me feel stupid or childish for wanting to treat myself on my birthday.

Dita73 · 26/02/2021 03:22

Potentially an extreme tight arse. Ditch immediately

PerveenMistry · 26/02/2021 03:47

@MadameButterface

rude. tight. bin. next.

This.

AgentJohnson · 26/02/2021 04:17

How new is this relationship? Don’t go down the diagnostic rabbit hole. You are dating, this is the time to see if you are compatible and this something that you are not compatible on.

I hate Valentines and don’t want to celebrate my birthday, that doesn’t make me wrong or weird. However, it would make being with someone who wanted to do these things, difficult.

It’s either a dealbreaker for you or it isn’t but don’t waste your time and his, trying to change him.

AgentJohnson · 26/02/2021 04:19

I fear you are going to make a lot of compromises to stay with this man but they won’t be reciprocated.

Nicolastuffedone · 26/02/2021 04:22

The partner is a woman...

MrsTerryPratchett · 26/02/2021 04:27

DP doesn't believe in marking grown ups birthdays, only kids.

And that's a fantastic reason not to by HER anything. But you do believe in them and she didn't buy YOU anything.

Less than a year, I wouldn't be reading books about intimacy and trying to fix her, I'd be off. Find someone with some joy who can enjoy celebrations with you.

Unless she's a spy, in which case that's cool.