How are you confident that you are "trying your best"? What does that even mean?

[Whycantigetitright]

I struggle with this. Whenever I'm trying to do something, and generally being a bit shit at it, I have no way of honestly assessing if I'm trying 100% my best or not.

There is always, always a voice pointing out I should be trying harder, pushing more, berating and scoffing for my shit efforts. I think it is because I am so mediocre at everything, I never see results that sort of show me my efforts are respectable? It's difficult to explain.

How do you know you're doing your very best? How do you recognise what that is?

Great point. I do what I can within the various limits of my own performance, but always feel I could be doing more.

I think trying your best is

• focussing on the job in hand to the best of your ability
• persevering
• thinking about why things aren't working and adjusting
• putting in reasonable time proportionate to the importance of the task

it isn't a

• that will do approach
• well others are doing even less approach
• what can I get away with approach

This is exactly how I feel about parenting!

The question is, who is keeping score?

If it's religion, then you have some guidance.

If it's social media or just the media, then they can fuck off.

I'm an atheist. I had an epiphany in a natural history museum, looking at the simple staggering vastness of time, and realising how infinitely small my existence is.

So what you're worrying about almost certainly doesn't matter. If you have a work problem, will your partner love you less? Your parents? Your best friend? No? Then it isn't a problem.

The only standards and problems that are real are the ones that threaten something that REALLY matters to you. Your loved ones, the roof over your head. Those are the ones to care about.

You don't need to do your best all of the time.

Why on earth would you want to try your best at all times? That way madness lies.

You're only human, OP. Same as the rest of us. I hereby give you permission to SLACK OFF.

I've been half arsing my life for years. It has worked out pretty well so far

I don’t always try my best. No one should be always trying to to their best. That’s a fast track to burn out. Good enough is good enough. Do what you can OP, take it easy when you need to.

You know what this is a really good question - I work in schools and am sure at times I’ve said ‘do your best’ - which you’re right, doesn’t really mean anything. I generally try and say things more like ‘have you read the question properly and answered all the points’ etc etc and that’s probably my approach in my own life too. Not so much ‘have I done my best’ but ‘have I understood what needs to be done and worked towards doing it in a way that is sensible and doesn’t exhaust me’. I think ‘trying your best’ does blur boundaries about when you should stop doing something- I’m never bought about it like that before though.

There are physical results such as 84%, tangible results such as koi’s, intangible such as how much effort you put in, how much you learn. Ultimately most people know when they are half assing it.

Sometimes, like today, my best is nowhere near anything like my full potential. But it's the best I can do today, and I'm working on being OK with that. I think sometimes that has to be your best

Depends in the situation. In my Uni work I put in everything I’ve got, which normally means stress and exhaustion but I submit my work knowing that I literally could not have done more.

I’m also tryin bro adopt a more healthy lifestyle for my son and I. I’m 3 weeks in, 8lbs down and haven’t gone off my plan. My son is loving all the home cooking and extra exercise, I know I am doing my best as I have tangible results.

My parenting could be better and on days I really try, I go to bed exhausted, knowing I did my best.

I think that if you aren’t sure you are trying your best, then you probably aren’t.

For the record, I mostly wing it through life and only try my best when it’s a genuine need, like top marks at Uni and giving my son and myself a healthy lifestyle. Everything else just gets what effort I have at the time (like the housework I should be doing...)

OP this is what I talk about in therapy every session. Wish I had an answer.

@thecatsthecats

The question is, who is keeping score?

If it's religion, then you have some guidance.

If it's social media or just the media, then they can fuck off.

I'm an atheist. I had an epiphany in a natural history museum, looking at the simple staggering vastness of time, and realising how infinitely small my existence is.

So what you're worrying about almost certainly doesn't matter. If you have a work problem, will your partner love you less? Your parents? Your best friend? No? Then it isn't a problem.

The only standards and problems that are real are the ones that threaten something that REALLY matters to you. Your loved ones, the roof over your head. Those are the ones to care about.

This.

I would add to this that it’s not necessarily a good idea to tell children that they must always do their best, or try their hardest.

Sometimes you can’t do what’s theoretically your best, and that’s ok.

Trying your best is a matter of perspective.

Of my dc:

One will always do all the work, including the extension work. If they're not happy, then they'll cross the whole thing out and do it again. In fact, if they have a spare hour they might well do it again to see if they can do it better. If they think they're not handing in their best they can get upset.
It's not actually a good things at times, it goes with being a perfectionist. They probably would say they don't always do their best because sometimes they're time limited and can't redo it as much as they want.

The other would normally do the work and would sometimes do the extension work. They would be indignant at the thought they could do more, despite dashing through it in 20 minutes because they wanted to get on and meet a friend. They would say confidently they're doing their best.

The last would rather sheepishly admit that they aren't doing their best but argue what's the point in

I think that if you aren’t sure you are trying your best, then you probably aren’t.

This is what I'm afraid of But I NEVER feel I'm 100% definitely doing my best unless I'm on my knees with exhaustion with tunnel vision trying to do whatever thing...How do you get balance?

An example - my Masters degree. I graduated with a merit, so not a distinction.

One one hand, I can say truthfully that was nowhere near my best work. I just cobbled together what I could and hoped desperately to pass all my courses.

I had so many extensions for different pieces of work...so maybe I don't even deserve the degree. Maybe I ought not even say I have a Masters degree because I had more time and still produced a load of old shit.

Then on the other hand - it feels like I WAS doing my best? I have several disabilities which kick the shit out of me physically several days a week, and I need fairly traumatic medical procedures on a regular basis. Which all knocks on my mental health, so now I have diagnosed anxiety as well.

I did the degree in part for my self esteem but ironically spent a lot of the time feeling worthless and lazy. Doing anything more than what i did felt impossible but is that just a poor attitude? It feels like I should have been doing more in order to be doing my best?

I feel like if I felt sure I was producing my best work I'd be less harsh and judgmental towards myself. But I can't ever honestly feel I'm doing 100% my real best...I just do whatever I can manage at the time. And it's never good enough.

@SunHoldsTime

OP this is what I talk about in therapy every session. Wish I had an answer.

Oh no! I would have hoped therapy would be helpful in clarifying stuff for you?

Most things in life you don't have to do your best at it at all. Being a distinctly average parent is optimal for instance, it's sustainable for one and it doesn't have the unfortunately consequence of making your child a project of your own self interest.

Sure. But I think the jobs market is about to get very, very ruthless and competition will be fierce for example. So doing your best is advantageous.

Although the more I think of it all the more lost i feel because maybe the problem isn't actually that I'm not doing "my best" but sadly rather that my best is actually just very mediocre and I actually have nothing more to give, and perhaps i need to concentrate on accepting myself for who I am.

My dad always used to say this, that he and my mum tried their best with us as kids. And they did. I had a wonderful, magical childhood. I try my best too, in all areas.

I can't vouch for other people's experiences. Unfortunately, many people will not see your best as their/the best because we all measure our successes to our own measures.

I really hate this expression and find it weak and negative tbh.
It always seems the retort of someone who is failing "well, I'm trying my best"

Doing your best is a positive statement.
To me it means doing what you can, within reason and accepting you are human and not a robot.

We make mistakes, we have off days, but we are still doing our best.
That's my philosophy, anyway

It always seems the retort of someone who is failing "well, I'm trying my best"

Hadn't thought of it like that but you're right

But it's also what we tell children a lot, "just try your best!"

Unfortunately, many people will not see your best as their/the best because we all measure our successes to our own measures.

I think this is ok though. We all know there is an objective best if it's something measurable. Like a winner of a race.

It's more about how you know you are honestly doing your best and cannot reasonably do any better, rather than what other people could be thinking. Because if you are confident you could not have done any more you can't beat yourself up.

It's more about how you know you are honestly doing your best and cannot reasonably do any better, rather than what other people could be thinking. Because if you are confident you could not have done any more you can't beat yourself up.

@Whycantigetitright Absolutely!

@Devlesko

I really hate this expression and find it weak and negative tbh. It always seems the retort of someone who is failing "well, I'm trying my best"

Doing your best is a positive statement.
To me it means doing what you can, within reason and accepting you are human and not a robot.

We make mistakes, we have off days, but we are still doing our best.
That's my philosophy, anyway

It's only me I've noticed doing this. I always told the kids don't "try to do" "Just do" We only have one at home now and when she's talking about school work especially she says I'll do my best, or I'm doing my best. Try is a cop out.